Thursday, December 1, 2011

so hopeless and all alone

Oh dear. I think I need a detox session from Facebook or something. Unfortunately one of the big things I do with a ministry I'm involved in at my church is post to the Facebook page every day. I guess that doesn't mean I have to look at mine, but that's what ends up happening.

I'm kind of tired of the pissing contests that happen. I'm also tired of people thinking they know everything that's going on in my life because they are my Facebook friend. I don't talk about negative things, I don't talk about my in-laws, I try not to complain or be grumpy. Mostly that means if I'm having a bad day or going through something difficult, I'm just silent in Facebook land. Which means if we haven't chatted face to face in awhile but you've been following my online presence, you have a very basic idea of what's actually going on. I don't mean that in a snotty way at all.

I have made several major moves in my life. It is insane to me how different it is to live in a different spot from someone now though. I'm only 31 so it is bizarre to me that I'm saying things like "I remember when..." but it's just true! We moved when I was in high school (1994) and the Internet was not this huge wide spread thing. My family depended on snail mail and video taped messages (VHS) to stay in touch. It was a big deal when we got to go back to California and be in person with everyone. It was hard for me to stay in touch with my friends because long distance phone calls were very expensive and we had to rely on writing letters. Not a lot of teenagers are into writing letters.

Last summer, we got to go from Texas to California and there was some family that I haven't seen in YEARS and I was really excited to get the chance to sit and talk. And none of them felt like we needed to really talk because they follow me on Facebook. I love being so accessible to the masses in general and specifically reconnecting with friends and family. But I value time spent over a cup of coffee (or whatever you can find in a coffee shop type setting that suits your tastes) and chatting face to face. I like to see people's faces as they tell me stories and I like to hug people I haven't seen in ages.

And the stupid contests over how many "friends" you have and who posts more on who's wall and blah blah blah. I think it's easier to be self-involved when all your interactions are online as well. If someone posts they are having a bad day, it's hard to know how bad of a day and how many questions you can ask. I've noticed a trend lately of people making typos and leaving it up and adding another comment to correct them. What's the deal with that? I have no qualms about deleting a post and reposting it correctly. And if someone was ridiculously rude to me, I'd just delete the comment and let the chips fall where they may.

I feel old fashioned.

Maybe mostly today I just feel grumpy.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

31 days of improvement: day 2

I have a crap ton of weight to loose and I want to be healthy. And hott but I figure that will come along with the losing weight and being healthy.

My husband thinks I'm beautiful and looks at me like I'm pretty all the time. And I don't even think I'm really horrible looking, just fat. And my kiddo is super fast and active and busily getting into anything and everything and I want to be able to keep up with him or even get out ahead of him better.

My church just started a running group and are hosting a Beautiful Feet 5K at the end of November. I know that right now, I can definitely walk a 5K in a decent amount of time. But, it seems like the perfect opportunity to have a work out goal with a deadline attached and if nothing else, I'll get a t-shirt out of it. The registration money is going towards supporting and serving the Strong Foundation, a shelter for homeless families, Casa Hogar Misericorida orphanage in Chihuahua, Liberia NOW, Children's Emergency Relief International, and military ministry.

Today was my first day of Couch-To-5K and I have to say I can definitely do this but holy moly am I out of shape. I have an app for my phone and each day is a 30 minute work-out of walking and running. Today was a five minute brisk walk to warm up and then running for 60 seconds and then walking for 90 seconds. I finished the whole thing. I can see how you can get hooked on running but I am not there yet. I figure this will get easier the more I do it and I really love the app. If I was just trying to do it myself, I would give up. I really am that lame sometimes!

But I have a borrowed jogging stroller and I hit a sale at Kohls with a gift card and got actual running shoes and they are even black and PINK! I wear a women's 11 and that was the largest size I saw in all the running shoes there yesterday. We don't have set plans on baby C-2, but I think I better start praying now that my feet don't get any bigger with that baby!

Tomorrow I will be working out again, but I don't know if it'll be C25K or not. They recommend that you just do that three days a week, so we'll see how I feel. But otherwise, I have some workout dvds that I am starting to like, so it'll be something!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

31 days of improvement: day 1

I cleaned the hallway bathroom from top to bottom. It's really nice in there and it's also literally the only spot in the house that is clean from top to bottom. I will be working hard this week to make that not be the case, but in the meantime, I kind of want to just hang out in there.

S wants to help me or be involved or try to do things himself regardless of what I'm doing. I love it and I try to encourage it but when I'm cleaning and he throws a fit because I'm sweeping and won't hand over the broom it makes things difficult. Or if I'm folding clothes and putting them in piles on the couch, well, I just don't bother anymore. He runs up and in one smooth movement dumps everything off the couch.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just trying to survive each day rather than live it. And it's not entirely true, but I think it is when it comes to how my house looks. Hopefully I can keep making little steps and have a house that's more clean than not! In the meantime, I'm going to go stand in the bathroom for a minute.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

newsletter: month 18

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are 18 months old! I can't believe it. Sometimes you seem much older and other times it seems like you were an itty bitty guy in my arms and I blinked and now you are climbing on top of the table. Time goes by so differently when you become a parent. You are very aware of it and it zooms past you at the same time. Eighteen months of you right in front of me with lots of good times, giggles, and lessons learned.

You crawl, walk, run, and climb. The climbing part is insane to me. I was a very calm child and from all accounts, so was Daddy. And here you are, climbing on anything and everything you can get a foothold on. When we go to eat at home, I take the tray off the high chair and let you climb up because it's actually faster than me setting you in there. I have to take great care in making sure furniture and some of your sturdier toys are not too close to each other because you will climb up on one thing so you can reach something else to climb up even higher. Climbing up on a chair, to climb up on the table and throw your hands up in jubilee is adorable and terrifying at the same time. My current goal is to avoid any major scars until you can at least talk.

We were at a friend's house, outside on the deck and you were playing on a little bike. All of the sudden you rode down the stairs and I watched in horror as you and the bike tumbled head over heels down those stairs. My heart stopped as I ran to scoop you up, trying not to picture the worst. I was sure there was a broken bone or there would be blood. You snuggled into my neck and I calmed you down while my heart pounded so hard I was sure it was going to fly out of my body. And before I could get myself calmed down, you were upset again because I wouldn't let you immediately get back on that bike. The next day, I was trying to change your diaper on the changing table. You wiggle and crawl away (as much as you can on a little table) and that night was no different. Except when you were on all fours, a hand slipped and your face slammed into the edge of the table. I scooped you up, checked for blood, and went to the freezer for your little Elmo gel pack. By the time I had told Daddy what happened and gotten us settled on the couch, you had stopped crying and wanted down. You cried harder as we took turns holding that gel pack on your face than you did when you actually injured yourself. It was pretty much an instant black eye.

The thing that I love about you and that also terrifies me is it doesn't seem like anything is going to keep you down. You are intent on exploring and playing, on doing what you want to do and getting right back to it whenever you face an obstacle. I admire that trait but I hope so hard it moves from physical injuries to triumphs. And I hope this isn't a glimpse of you as an adrenaline junkie!

You have a few words you use sometimes. I thought I wanted to be called "mama" but once you started saying "Mommy" and it was an intentional word rather than sounds strung together, I started to change my mind. You also say daddy, uh-oh, whoa, mine, and hi. None are all the time but all are adorable. You've started to get the hang of manners and when you hand me something, you say "Come" almost as a whisper. It makes taking half-chewed up mouthfulls of food in my hand a little easier, I have to say. You jabber constantly and for someone who doesn't know English very well, you certainly have a lot of opinions you'd like everyone to know about!

I am delighted by the fact you continue to love music and have kind of discriminating tastes for a toddler. The album Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons might as well be permanently stuck in the car cd player. I really like all the songs, but I am kind of tired of it and will try to sneak in some radio time. You will have nothing of it. Since it's a little easier to concentrate on driving without someone yelling at the top of their lungs in the back seat, I usually give in and press play again. You especially like tracks 2-4 ("The Cave", "Winter Winds", and "Roll Away Your Stone") which luckily have become my favorites as well. Sometimes I'm not really paying attention to it and we get all the way to track 7 ("Little Lion Man") which is a song I actually really like but is pretty inappropriate for little ears since it drops the f bomb several times. I think that cussing is sometimes (very very rarely) a really effective way to get your point across and I don't know how to substitute it in this particular song, but we skip it nonetheless. That's a discussion we can have when you're a teenager.

I'm involved in a group at church called Band of Mothers and we meet to pray for our kids and talk about resources to share with moms of kids of all ages. At the last small gathering I was at, we talked a lot about teenagers. It just seems so far away. In some ways, it absolutely is. You are literally over a decade away from becoming a teenager. I'm grateful for the chance to walk alongside some mamas who have kids older than you so I can see what they are going through and also that they survive. There are things Daddy and I are trying to do right now to put in place now so you grow up always knowing that in your life. Family hugs, going to church, socializing with others, reading, listening to a wide variety of music, meeting you on your level as much as we can, and making sure you know we are here for you and will take what you have to say seriously. A lot of it seems abstract right now but then there are times when something we've done for months without it seeming like it means anything adds up into something really cool. For instance, right now you are all about bringing us books to read to you, over and over again. I can't help but think as long as we plod along making the rest of these things intentional and repetitious as best we can, that it will add up into your understanding and it will happen sooner rather than later.

You are a fantastic person, Samson. I am so glad to get to know you and I genuinely have fun spending time with you. I had no idea someone who couldn't really talk could be so funny! I will always do my best to do right by you. One of my biggest hopes is that you always talk this much to me. I want to know what you have to say.

I love you, my little baby man.

Love, Mama

Monday, September 5, 2011

you might be drifiting, and can't find the shore

I spent a good chunk of the morning/early afternoon at a friend's house, chatting, praying, and watching the kids play. I love going to her house because she lives out in the country. It's a commitment to drive over there. It gives me a couple of minutes of the driving I used to do all the time when I lived in Southern California. And, I always leave with a nugget of something. Understanding, peace, happiness. Something.

We spent some time talking about teenagers and some specific struggles of anonymous kids and I found myself alternately missing being involved in high school ministry (something I didn't really think I'd say for at least a few more years), thinking that the teen years are literally more than a decade away for my child, and starting to wonder if everyone is sure there's not a way to freeze your kids at a young age so they don't grow up and go out into that big scary world. 

I'm grateful to know moms who have kids older than mine. They seem to have found their mama groove and it's encouraging to see that the toddler years are survivable. It's possible to have more than one kid and still sleep a little bit. That eventually, I won't have to keep my eye on my child most of the time to ensure he doesn't try riding a bike down the stairs (well, my child may do that when he gets older too, just to see what happens, but today, he had no idea of the consequences).

I hope I can offer that encouragement to a mom with younger kids than mine someday.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

good times, good times

I love my birthday.

I mean, I really love my birthday.

I think of August 28th as my new year. I used to make a big list of resolutions each year and try to get through them all, with varying degrees of success.

This year, I just have two.

1. My yes be yes and my no be no.
2. Choose to be healthy more often than not.

I used to be known as someone who could absolutely be counted on. I don't think this is something I'm really known for anymore. I find myself meaning to do things and either doing them much later on than I meant to or just not doing them at all. I need to be that person who when I say I'm going to do something, everyone can count on it being taken care of. I have a lot of understanding people in my life, and of course having a kid can make it more difficult to try to schedule things out super specifically. But not impossible. And I need to not hide behind S when I say I'm going to do something and then flake out for whatever reason. I'm much harder on myself than I would dream of being on anyone else, but at the same time, I want to be completely dependable.

I have noticed recently that I must work out in order to lose weight and keep it off. I don't eat a lot of junk. I eat some junk, and I eat too much sometimes when I sit down for a meal. But I have noticed that regardless of how much of what I eat, if I'm not also at least walking for an hour three times a week, the scale will not budge. I need to keep making these kinds of observations and then actually following through on them. I want to have cute clothes and be strong and everything but I also just want to be taking care of myself. I don't think I can accurately say I am doing everything I can to take care of myself. So, that's my goal. Eat right. Eat better. Work out. Be strong.

And maybe write more.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

recipe: Indian Chicken Curry (Murgh Kari)

My house smells like an Indian restaurant right now and I am just a happy girl about it! It's about 10 WW points plus per serving (it makes at least 4, maybe more) which might be a little steep but not awful considering how freaking delicious this is!

Here's the ingredients:

2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast
2 tsp salt
2 tbsp oil
1 1/2 cups chopped onion
1 tbsp minced garlic
1 1/2 tsp minced ginger root
1 tbsp curry powder
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground tumeric
1 tsp ground corriander
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp water
15 oz can crushed tomatoes
6 oz plain Greek yogurt (Chobani for the win!)
1 tbsp chopped cilantro
1 tsp salt
1 tsp garam masala

Serve with 1 tbsp chopped cilantro and 1 tbsp fresh lemon juice

  1. Sprinkle the chicken breasts with 2 teaspoons salt.
  2. Heat the oil in a large skillet over high heat; partially cook the chicken in the hot oil in batches until completely browned. Transfer the browned chicken breasts to a plate and set aside.
  3. Reduce the heat under the skillet to medium-high; add the onion, garlic, and ginger to the oil remaining in the skillet and cook and stir until the onion turns translucent, about 8 minutes. Stir the curry powder, cumin, turmeric, coriander, cayenne, and 1 tablespoon of water into the onion mixture; allow to heat together for about 1 minute while stirring. Mix the tomatoes, yogurt, 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro, and 1 teaspoon salt into the mixture. Return the chicken breast to the skillet along with any juices on the plate. Pour 1/2 cup water into the mixture; bring to a boil, turning the chicken to coat with the sauce. Sprinkle the garam masala and 1 tablespoon cilantro over the chicken.
  4. Cover the skillet and simmer until the chicken breasts are no longer pink in the center and the juices run clear, about 20 minutes. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the center should read at least 165 degrees F (74 degrees C). Sprinkle with lemon juice to serve.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

humpday happiness!

A list of things making my happy...

...S's little baby curls. I think I'm going to put off that first haircut a little longer!
...kid's eat free nights. Even more when they are unexpected. So tonight, I got a full meal, S got something to eat, and we have lunch tomorrow and all I had to pay for tonight was my meal! Ye-ah!
...sparkling water
...Blue Moon beer. I think it's my new favorite.
...that we got to see the last Harry Potter movie during opening weekend. It's the end of an era.
...the mamas I keep getting to meet through all the Band of Mothers stuff. It's an amazing group of women!
...S's mysterious rash just disappearing. I guess it's a normal toddler thing sometimes. Sigh.
...breakfast with my mother-in-law the other day was nice. sister sent this random box of goodies from Trader Joe's and I am now in love with chocolate covered edamame. Yay for the box, yay for a new treat!
...our NorCal trip is coming up around the corner!
...playing around with various social media.
...clean laundry tacos showers.
...sun tea made on the front porch.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


I think one of the hardest things about being a stay at home mom is that when you have a really rough day, it feels like there's nothing to show for it when it's over. You just hope you get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is better for everyone. When I had a bad day at work, I could still make my little work area look nice and I'd at the very least have a time card punched for the hours that were hard and I got to punch out and go do something else.

Don't get me wrong, I love staying home with S and I feel very blessed that I am able to. My husband works really hard to keep us afloat. But some days just kind of suck.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

humpday happiness!

A small list of things making me happy... friends who are awesome mamas with kids my kid get along with!
...VIA from Starbucks. I wish I could get an endorsement deal. I can make one cup of amazing coffee in 90 seconds. I LOVE IT.
...the way my husband comes home and kisses me straight away and then kisses S. Best part of my day.
...S scrunches up his nose when he smiles now!
...perfecting my world famous blueberry muffins.
...oatmeal and coffee for breakfast and they way it cleans everything right out!
...talking about poop randomly and probably inappropriately. cousin is having a baby!
...we are going to California in August!
...the #sexyback11 challenge.
...sun tea.
...getting to spend Father's Day with my husband and my dad. Both great fathers! appointment for an eyebrow wax, a hair cut, and a massage on SATURDAY!
...encouraging emails.
...KOVE is playing a bunch of new songs that are really good.
...K getting excited about hearing a song on KLOVE that we sang at church earlier that day.
...figuring out how to get all the music I've ever purchase on iTunes onto my phone!
...making faces with S. He tries to do it back but even better, his laugh is infectious and adorable.
...doing all the Band of Mothers social media stuff.
...sparkling water!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

#sexyback11: I'm bringing sexy back

So there's this blog I follow off and on, called Ragamuffin Soul. Forever ago, I vaguely knew Carlos and his wife because I went to Sandals church and our paths crossed here and there. It was ages ago and I wouldn't expect either of them to remember me, but that's how I started following Carlos' blog. He has really set up a little community on the web and it's really cool. I don't participate much but read and enjoy the links and videos and whatnot. Good times online yo.

He and this other guy, Grant, decided they wanted to be in better shape so they started this challenge called I’m Bringing... Sexy Back It’s Summer And I Can Take My Shirt Off In Public Program. They asked if anyone wanted to join them in trying to be healthier this summer and over 200 people said they wanted in. So I'm part of this Twitter list of people who have set measurable goals and are tweeting, facebooking, and/or blogging about how they are making changes to get to that measurable goal by Labor Day. 

My measurable goal is to lose 20 pounds. It's kind of a lot but I think if I bust my booty, I can do it. I plan on making changes in what I eat and drink and also getting more active. First of all, I want to look awesome. I do not look awesome right now. I look like a person and a half shoved in one body. I lost 60 pounds last year and then gained back 20 and I definitely have a good 100 to go. So, 20 pounds this summer. Secondly, I am in charge of this little guy who doesn't know anything about anything and I really want him to grow up thinking eating healthy meals with tons of fruits and vegetables and being active on a daily basis is just completely normal. If I make these changes now for myself and for K, then S really will grow up like this. Thirdly, I really need to be more responsible with the things God has given me. I've been thinking about this in regards to finances, but this line of thinking really applies to a lot of things I will probably write about in the next month or so. I want to have more babies and it sure would be a lot easier if I didn't have to do the regular OB appointments plus the Perinatologist appointments. There's no guarantee that losing a bunch of weight will make that happen but it certainly would make the next pregnancy easier to start out at a healthier point! It would make finding cute maternity clothes a lot more fun!

So, 20 pounds by Labor Day. I can do this!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

humpday happiness!

Some things making me happy...

....Band of Mothers stuff. The phone calls, the emails, the facebook, the twitter... It's really hectic sometimes but I really love it all.
...finally scheduling my appointment for a hair cut, eye brow wax, and massage that my sister bought for me a year ago!
...S looks like a little boy now, not so much a little baby!
...peer pressure, especially from my church, to be a better person in a few different ways. husband who loves me inside and out.
...having gone on a fabulous double date!
...trying out new low or no calorie drinks and actually liking them.
...being soda free for six days. Sigh.... :)
...reading. mom picking S up once a week and taking him home with her so she and my dad can love on him like crazy.
...really fun plans this weekend!
...a clean house.
...a front yard that is looking pretty good!
...Geico commercials.
...Twitter. showers with good smelling shampoo and body wash.
...sun tea.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

humpday happiness!

A small list of things making me happy...

...reconnecting with people on Facebook! Again!
...making new friends.
...S is starting to feel better, I think!
...found a Target gift card with just under $50 on it!
...clean clothes and sheets.
...a brand new mop. husband's beard.
...two whole days of no soda!
...honey mustard. The Paul Newman low fat dressing is awesome, but I just like honey mustard in general.
...the way S gets super excited when you ask him questions.
...emails and phone calls and texts for Band of Mothers stuff.
...reading again! Real grown up books! husband is drawing again!
...Twitter. (@meljamc, yo)
...looking at wedding pictures. It's better if I actually know the people but wedding pictures in general make me happy!
...making S laugh hysterically by doing something really random. and pink together
...a double date coming up on Friday!
...slowly but surely getting used to the summer heat that has decided to burst on the scene.
...sparking water. Ye-ah.
...really enjoying living in San Antonio.

i'll find strength in pain and i will change my ways

I wanted a chocolate milkshake and a strawberry pie from Whataburger when I was on my way home tonight but I did not get either. On purpose, not just because.

I was hungry just now so I made a salad with tomatoes and some sliced almonds and some chicken and lowfat dressing.

I am really trying to give up soda completely and have made it two days so far. Which isn't a lot but you have to start small for it to add up to something eventually!

Some of the people I've met recently get together and do these insane workouts from Crossfit. And it's maybe kind of silly but I really want to do it too. But these workouts are seriously crazy and I am no where near fit. So, for now I'm trying to make better choices, give up soda, and do a lot of walking. And eventually I will get up the courage to ask if there's a way to modify some of those workouts for someone who wants to be a badass but needs some training wheels to get there!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

shameless plug

I don't want to be annoying about this, but I could use some new customers or some new orders from some current customers.

Go to

Put in an order. You can even attach a payment if you'd like.

I will email or call you with your actual total that will be 20% off.

If you get a friend to also place an order, you'll get 20% off plus a special gift. Two free eye colors or a free lipstick or a free lip gloss.

I'm totally down for doing parties but I will just need a little bit of notice so I can find a baby-sitter for the kiddo. As a hostess, you will get a ton of free stuff. It's actually a pretty fun couple of hours too. I do a lot of show specials and will make sure everyone who comes gets a good deal.

Email or call me any time! No order is ever too small (or too big!)


Frosted Flakes commercial...

him: I hate that cereal.
me: Really? I love it! Haven't had it in awhile though.
him: It gets soggy too quick.
me: It's the same as like Rice Krispies or Honey Bunches of Oats or Corn Flakes.
him: All those get soggy too quick.
me: So you just don't like cereal?
him: I LOVE cereal! What are you talking about?!

Sunday, May 29, 2011


The thing about setting a countdown timer when I put S in bed is that he almost always stops crying before the time goes off. It's awesome because it is an actual measurement of time. For this mama, any period of crying that isn't actually measured seems to go on FOREVER.

If my car battery had to die a complete death, today was the perfect day. If my car had to refuse to start, doing so in a parking spot at a place was the perfect place for it to happen. I just put the baby in the stroller and booked it to my husband's store and we sorted it out. Lots of running around and I cannot believe what an amazing baby I have. And I only had to make one phone call to get some help getting K's car back to him! Satisfied sigh here.

I HATE COCKROACHES. HATE THEM. My house could be cleaner, but over all it's clutter more than trash. They are coming in from outside and K and I cannot figure out from where. And to be fair, it's been two over the past month but they are disgusting and huge and freak me out more than I like to admit. I am so much bigger than them and they don't even bite or anything. But still. They freak me out. I am hoping so hard I don't have a little boy who loves bugs and who will want me to hold his discoveries while he runs off to find more. Calling pest control again on Tuesday by the way.

I'm reading Bossypants by Tina Fey and I LOVE HER. I have for a long time anyway, but I am really enjoying her book. In a way I'm glad I can't really just sit down and devour it the way I used to devor books pre-baby because I'm forced to savor the pieces I can read. I like her style and I just like her. I wish I could be that cool. And funny. And pretty. Maybe it's a bit of a girl crush... Whatever, the book is awesome.

Finally got to catch up on some Oprah and really enjoyed the sit down with the Obamas. I caught his DNC key note address and have followed him since then. I like him as President. But if I could only sit and talk to one of them, I would choose Mrs. Obama with no hesitation. I have a lot of respect for her and the way she's handled things in general. Plus, I love her parenting philosophies. AND, she even told Oprah that she was wrong about her ideas of what her daughters should be expected to do! OPRAH! But yeah, S will probably be generally unhappy with the list of chores he will eventually be expected to do. But I too cringe at the thought of my teenager saying he's never cooked or done laundry. I want my kids to be productive members of society and God-seekers. I will do my absolute best to see both to fruition. I can only do so much, but I can certainly expect cleanliness and practice the ability to follow recipes with my kid(s)!

So that's what's been on my mind!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

lay down your sweet head

Today was such a long day with my little guy. I always love him to pieces but there are days when I would love it if I could just take a four hour nap in the middle of the day or go to the grocery store by myself.

I got snot wiped on me all day long, whining, crying, a bowl of cheerios dumped out in the middle of the grocery store and then of course more tears because there were no more cheerios... It was just a long day. I gave him a bath and he soaked my entire shirt as he was getting out.

But then I got him in pajamas and we cuddled on the couch for a little bit and he was completely and wonderfully adorable. And my patience meter filled up again (it wasn't quite empty but it was definitely lower than usual!) and we are good for another day tomorrow.

Being a mom is hard. But wonderful.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

humpday happiness!

A short list of things making me happy...

...lunch with my mom and my baby. They are crazy about each other and it's awesome.
...actually losing weight! Even though it's a drop in the bucket, it's a drop in the bucket!
...meeting so many completely cool moms lately.
..the little guy who is currently curled up in my lap, snoring.
...iced tea.
...mumford and sons
...being able to do laundry without a ginormous puddle of water on the floor! amazing husband's back rubs
...the way my husband sometimes comes home and tells me he missed me during the day (especially because I miss him during the day).
...Twitter (@meljamc) much shorter hair
...that insane rain we got last week!
...being able to take time to read real live books again.
...having three books that I actually own that I get to read and I'm excited about all three of them.
...making plans for my birthday already even though it's not even summer yet.
...trying out new recipes that end up being super yummy. kiddo eats like a champ now!
...air conditioning cold water coffee--I just kind of recently rediscovered it.

this is the stuff that drives me crazy

I've been thinking about the kinds of things I watch on tv and read.

We have a dvr and I've noticed that since we've had it, I watch WAY more tv than I ever did before. Sometimes I will record a series that looks interesting and then not be able to watch it until there's a handful of episodes on the dvr. Last week I caught up on a new show, Body of Proof, that is pretty good. I'm really glad the season finale is this week because I have to take a step back.

When S was first born and K had to go back to work and I started going places on my own with the baby, I would get irrationally afraid something awful was going to happen. I wouldn't go anywhere after the sun set because being out at night with my little baby made me super nervous and paranoid. And I would have horrible thoughts of hearing S crying and not being able to get to him for some reason. I didn't tell anyone because I thought I was crazy. It lessened over time (but there are still some places I just won't go after dark) and I found out a lot of new moms go through that.

Watching so many episodes of this show about a medical examiner made me start getting nervous that something awful was going to happen to me or my family. And I started thinking about the shows I watch and the stuff I read. I want to be influenced by positive and uplifting things. So shows about death and whatever are okay, but in really small doses. Definitely not in a five epsiode binge over two days.

And I read a lot of blogs. I use Google Reader, which I can't recommend enough... And I'm always looking for new stuff to read. I can access it all on my phone which is super handy. Awesomely, in the past few days, I've discovered that the plans for the Band of Mothers blog is to be updated several times a week and that my church has a brand new blog that a bunch of people are contributing to. Plus, the author of the book we're using for the Band of Mothers Squads right now also has a blog that she updates regularly.

This is a good start.

Monday, May 16, 2011

i don't want to wait for this life to be over

I have noticed when I talk more about Weight Watchers and fitness efforts, I tend to be more on top of things. I've been talking to K about things but I thought maybe if I posted some thoughts that could help to.

I lost 3.2 pounds this week so yay for that! I have like a hundred million pounds to go but it's going to come off in very small increments so I just need to plod steadily along until I get there. I've struggled the past couple of months especially, thinking that I don't have time to cook things or just not having any ideas. It's always been hard for me to leave a few bites on a plate, and I have no idea why because my parents only expected us to try everything on our plates and never made us clean them. And I started drinking Dr. Pepper like a fiend again. My back is super achy all the time and I think a lot of it is my weight and also the fact I haven't been as active.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have met a ton of moms through my church which is all kinds of awesome in a variety of ways. But one thing I've noticed is most of the ones I've met that are just overflowing with activity and energy and kids are basically fit. And that's the thing, I want to be one of the moms that has active kids and is going from here to there all the time and whatever and I can't do it if I don't have the energy to do it and right now I mostly don't. I do okay but I know if I weighed less, ate better, and was more physically fit, it would certainly be a lot easier!

So tonight I made picadillo. Except I used ground turkey instead of ground beef, I measured out two teaspoons of canola oil to put in with the onions, and let me tell you, it was delicious. Still used potatoes and tomatoes and all the seasonings (minced garlic, garlic powder, salt, pepper, cumin, and a tiny dash of cinnamon) and it was super tasty and not nearly as greasy as when I've made it with beef. Definitely a keeper because even my husband who rolls his eyes when I mention using ground turkey thought it was good and not as heavy.

Small changes, here and there. That's what will get me to my goal weight!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!

My first Mother's Day was really last year, but this year, I feel like a REAL mom. I feel like I've battled my way through sleeplessness, poopy diapers, tears (his plus mine, honestly), making decisions about how to raise a child, and making sure to choose my husband and show him I love him. I have a little bit of experience under my belt. It's such a tiny drop in the bucket but I feel like a mom. Last year I was still trying to get my feet under me. S was about two months old and Mother's Day was the first day of rotten painful gas for him. I spent a lot of the day walking and bouncing him while he screamed right into my ear, trying to get him more comfortable and also assuage my guilt for somehow inflicting it on him.

Anyway though, K really spent some time finding me cards from him and S. Plus, flowers, a really sweet gift AND he let me sleep in this morning. We went to church and after the service let out, I stood at the Band of Mothers booth with my cute camo hat and helped answer questions and get ladies signed up for small groups. The response was a little bit overwhelming to me so I'm excited to talk to the leader of everything this week and see what her impression is. I suspect it was a bit overwhelming to her as well because she had ordered 50 books for the campus bookstore and they were sold out by the time I was there for the 11:30 service today. I'm incredibly excited to be a part of this and that there are so many moms interested in meeting other moms and learning how to find joy and fulfillment in being a mother and protecting and teaching and loving our kids!

Yesterday I had a leadership meeting at 6:15 am and it was amazing. This is really my niche. I have so much to learn but I can serve and be fed at the same time and I am thrilled to be a part of this group of amazing women. I know that I have a need for being around other moms and learning about what the Bible has to say about raising kids and I can't be the only one. I think this is going to be a crazy time but also awesome.

I'm an excited and happy mama!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

you and me, were meant to be

I was adding a bunch of contacts to my phone and I opened up K's accidentally. It turns out that today, we have officially been together for five years! I am proud of us. A lot has happened during the past five years and really truly we are better than ever today. I doubt I'll remember the date that we decided to be an exclusive couple for much longer. Well, I didn't even really remember today, I happened to see it.

We had been dating for a little over a month before we had our DTR. Everyone has to do that at some point or another. Define the relationship. He started the conversation because he wanted to make sure we were on the same page. The awesome thing is he mentioned he was going to keep his options open, just in case. My heart fell a little, but I just said I would do the same thing. And he asked why and I told him, well, we need to be doing the same thing. One of us can't be committed to our relationship and the other one be looking around to see if there's a better option out there. For the most part, since that conversation we've really been at the same level of commitment.

Not to say we haven't had rough patches or there weren't times I thought we weren't going to make it. We also have work ahead of us because you have to put time in to maintain ANY relationship, but I think especially a marriage. I'm proud of us for getting to here. I'm excited for us that we have the whole future ahead of us. It wasn't love at first sight and I really had no idea I'd marry K when we first started dating. But as time goes on, I see how well suited we are for each other and I'm thankful every day for such a wonderful husband.

Yay for five years! And for over a year and a half of marriage in there!

Friday, May 6, 2011

i'm gonna bake you a pie with a heart in the middle

Well, sleep training is making me a more productive mom. Instead of holding S for a couple of hours trying to get him to sleep, I'm keeping myself busy because it hurts my heart to hear him cry, even if it is a small amount of pain now to avoid a huge amount of pain later.

I made three strawberry pies for tomorrow. I made calamari and cheese steak sandwiches for dinner for me and K.

I am a tired mama.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


me: What's going on over there?
k: I'm playing a new game on my phone. It's called Fruit Ninja. If you like fruit, you'll love this game.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

humpday happiness!

A small list of things making me happy these days...

...C family hugs on the couch!
...Tuesday nights--my mom picks the kiddo up and I get to to go Bible study unencumbered. It's lovely!
...the Mominar I got to go to last weekend! husband kisses me good night every single night.
...S is a walking fool!
...using coupons. Not like in Extreme Couponing, but in a way that keeps a little more money in our pockets.
...clean clothes.
...the Royal Wedding! So pretty!
...starting Weight Watchers again. And really meaning it (again). And doing well so far this week.
...trying to blog every day in May.
...How I Met Your Mother. Even S likes to "sing" the theme song!
...Black Russians. Can you call it a Tan Russian if you put a tiny bit of cream in it? I don't think I can drink at bars anymore.
...Sparkling water.
...Craigy Ferg

hush little baby don't say a word

At S's last well baby appointment, his doctor told me I needed to teach him how to fall asleep on his own, rather than on me. She said that everyone wakes up in the middle of the night but we each know how to get comfortable again to go back to sleep. S's way to get comfortable again is to fall asleep on me, which means I have to get up and get him back to sleep. She said it wouldn't hurt him to cry and to do it now rather than when he knows real words or is in a bed he can get out of. I tried, based on my sister's experience, for five nights and it was completely miserable. Then he cried so hard he threw up and I realized I was just way out of my league and needed an actual book or something.

I kind of put it all off. My friend came to visit and that was going to disrupt the normal day to day schedule (in a wonderful way, but still) so I wanted to wait until after she went home. Then I got a book and read it and was set to go and S started really walking. The book suggested not starting sleep training while the baby is teething or if they have learned a new big skill because that really affects their sleep schedule. So, this was the week.

I've been dreading it. It is completely awful to hear my baby cry and not go to comfort him. But in this case, it has to be done so he can learn how to self soothe himself back to sleep. The book asks that you commit to one night at a time and says that most people see results in five nights. I figured I could do one night and even bargained with myself that if after two hours he was still hysterical, I'd just start again tomorrow.

We went through the normal bed time routine. Can I just say how freaking adorable he is about bath time? You can ask "Are you ready for a bath with bubbles?" and he will drop whatever he's doing and walk to the bathroom and try to open the door. I gave him a bottle (which is the next thing to go, by the way) and then we sat and chatted for a bit and then I took him to his crib. He started whimpering before I had even put him in his crib and was full on screaming by the time I was out the door. I waited five minutes, and went in. I could see his tear streaked face and he was reaching with both arms towards me. I followed the instructions and went back to the living room and set the timer for ten minutes. Same thing. I went back and set the timer for fifteen minutes. After about five minutes, it was considerably quieter. By the time fifteen minutes rolled around, it was silent. I snuck in, and sure enough, S was laying down, snoring. He looked exactly like he does when I let him fall asleep on me and then put him in the crib.

I was dreading this all of last week and it was so easy! I mean, ridiculously hard to not pick up S when he was reaching for me, but it wasn't just to be mean, but so much less crying than I was anticipating!

Do you know what this means?! I might be able to go to sleep at a decent hour on a regular basis AND sleep all the way through the night! The world is so much easier to face on more than four hours of sleep!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


me: I'm baby-free for a few hours!
k: party like it's 1999!
me: I kinda just want to take a shower and a nap.
k: I'm sure people did that in 1999.

you are true, you are true, even in my wandering

K and I started going to church five or six weeks ago and actually haven't missed a Sunday since we started. There's this church down the road from the Starbucks he works at and just about all the pastors are regulars. I actually remember most of them from when I was working at that store as well. They like to have meetings there or just stop and get drinks on the way to and from places. We decided to try their church first because of the way they all are at Starbucks. No one is perfect, and we certainly don't expect them to be. But all of them are nice. And genuine. Really, those two things go a long way. When you can see that someone is trying to do the right thing in a situation as small as getting coffee and pastries on a regular basis, over a series of years even, I think it says a lot.

So when we decided we were going to go to church as a family and there are probably literally thousands of churches in San Antonio, we just decided to try theirs first and see what it was like. We LOVE it. The music is loud and GOOD. The speakers have challenged us every week but also given us something practical we can do every week. K and I talk about the Bible verses or the message through the week. We've been checking S into one year old church and although that hasn't been something he's crazy about, I think it's good for all three of us. He gets to play with different toys, meet other kids, and know that if we drop him off, we're coming back to get him.

We usually pick S up and then go back to the auditorium and chat with whoever we see that we know. I really like that part of the day as well. Everyone loves S, which is kind of like loving me. I think it's funny that everyone remembers his name and is slightly unsure of mine. I don't find it offensive or anything, because I think it's great that my little guy already makes such great impressions on people. A couple of weeks ago, one of the guys we were talking to basically told us he wasn't trying to or planning on pressuring us but he was excited to see where and how we'd serve in the church. I had already been thinking about it and I had a few ideas. Whenever I think of new things to do though, I always get stuck on what to do with S. He's too big for me to just take with me and it not be cumbersome at all. He wants to run around and explore and touch things and take things apart and put them back together. He's too little for me to expect him to sit next to me or to sit in a particular area and keep himself entertained. There's nothing wrong with any of this, but it makes it difficult to think about volunteering somewhere.

Saturday, I got to go to a woman's ministry event called the Mom:Inar. I completely loved it. It was so nice to get encouragement and feel pampered and be able to go home and feel refreshed. I'm not the only mom who struggles to keep on top of laundry! I'm not the only mom who gets nervous about making a weekly commitment to something on top of everything I'm already doing! I'm not the only mom who wants to read to my baby on a regular basis but has no idea WHAT to actually read! They are about to launch a new program called Band of Mothers and I am really excited to have a small group that is all moms. I talked to the leader afterward because I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I can help in so many different ways! I can serve and be fed at the same time, and I totally don't have to worry about S because it's going to be doing stuff with other moms so they will either understand or we will have childcare available.

I'm really excited to be going to church as a family. I'm really excited to be going to THIS church as a family. I'm really excited to dig in and get my hands dirty and help do something for other moms.

It's a good feeling.

Monday, May 2, 2011

how wonderful life is when you're in the world

S woke up for an early morning feeding, so I happened to get to see Kate Middleton arrive at Westminster Abbey live. I had set up my DVR to record both the Today Show coverage and the BBC coverage so I could watch later and fast forward through the boring parts. I have to admit though, I was thrilled to see her driving through the streets and arrive live and I gasped with delight when she stepped out of the car and I saw her full dress.

I think the wedding was beautiful and they looked so happy and in love it made me tear up a little bit. I don't know them and our paths will never cross. But I was glad for the chance to be unabashedly happy about something that was covered extensively in the news. It's been awhile since there has been an event to just be happy about.

My wedding was very very small and very simple. K and I got new clothes and honestly my dress ended up being much fancier than I had originally pictured. When we decided to get married, we wanted to get some new clothes, have our immediate family with us at the court house, and all go out to dinner to celebrate and some place we didn't normally eat like The Cheesecake Factory. My mom kind of said no to this plan, but in a good way. My parents told us they had planned on paying for a wedding celebration for me like they did my sister so we should live it up a little bit. Hence the fancier than intended dress (that I got to shopping for with a friend, my mom, and my grandmother who lives out of state so that was a really special afternoon), the flowers, the limo, the photographer, and the meal at The Palm.

I remember being absolutely elated. There was so much family drama in the week before that K and I really made a lot of effort to have a wedding ceremony just for the two of us without worrying about where anyone else was or what they were doing or what they were thinking. We were all in this tiny room (the judge's chambers) but it still felt like it was just me, K, and the judge. I didn't cry because I knew that if I let one tear slip, it would be hard to get it under control. K was very handsome and I felt beautiful. I'm thankful my photographer friend offered to take some pictures for us because I love my little album. And when K and I took our marriage certificate straight downstairs to file it with the county and we got that little bit of time as a brand newly married couple doing something together, well, it was just lovely to have start to sink in and it just be the two of us.

I know that we are not as good looking people as William and Kate and we didn't have nearly the money they did for the ceremony  and we had 16 guests. But I felt as happy and beautiful and giddy on my wedding day as they looked on theirs. And that's why I think it's so lovely that they shared so much with the whole world. I hope they are very happy and in love for the rest of their lives.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

newsletter: month 12

Dear Samson,

Sometimes when I'm at the doctor office or someone I don't know very well asks me what your birthday is, I say March 11 and then correct myself to say it's the 13th. Last year, I was admitted to the hospital on the 11th and you made your way out on the 13th. It was a bit of a long and arduous labor that ultimately ended in an emergency c-section. I remember how everything happened and can definitely retell the story, but I'm not sure how much it actually matters in talking to you.

It was a difficult pregnancy and a difficult labor but none of that was your fault. I don't intend on holding that against you. I'm just so thankful you and I were able to make it through that nine months and also this past year! When I first caught a glimpse of you, I gasped at how gorgeous I thought you were. You were ticked at being out in the open air and the team of doctors and nurses that were waiting for you wasted no time in making sure you were okay. As my team of doctors and nurses were sewing me back up, Daddy and I watched as you were cleaned up and checked out. Daddy got to take pictures and then someone haphazardly put my glasses back on my face and handed you, all nicely bundled and capped, to Daddy and we took our first family picture.

I got to hold you as they wheeled me back to the labor and delivery room where family was waiting to find out if you were a boy or a girl and what your name was. A nurse wrote "Happy Birthday Samson Luciano" on the white board in our room. And Daddy and I held you and marveled at you and each other, and the best adventure of my life started a fresh chapter.

This past year has been the simultaneously best and hardest of my life. I've gone from trying to survive to trying to intentionally parent you, even though you are just now turning one year old. I had no idea I could love like this and no clue that my heart would just grow to try to contain all the love I have for you and the new kind of love I have for your Daddy. For all the sleepless nights (and days), spit up, poop, tears (yours and mine), laundry, and other awkward times, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I was meant to be your Mama and you were meant to be my son. I have absolutely no doubt of this and am so excited to see what kind of toddler, kid, teenager, and adult you will be.

Right now, you are cruising along furniture and I think you're just going to start walking like a pro any day. In the meantime, you seem pretty satisfied by crawling like a maniac. You startle me sometimes with how fast you are! You love to get into any open door (like say the fridge) without warning so you can see what all is inside.

At your birthday party, Daddy and I got to see some of our concentrated efforts pay off. You insisted on opening up each birthday card yourself to see what was inside. Someone asked us how we taught you to do that, convinced it was a trick you learned for the party. But really, it's that we read to you so much that you not only know how books work but you are interested in them. I think you know that you'll be able to read them all by yourself soon enough but if you start trying to operate them now, you might get that ability faster. I am thrilled. I don't expect you to be the smartest kid in your class, but I do expect that you will read. I want you to be hungry for knowledge and know that the best way to find information is to read. I want you to get lost in other worlds and have a bigger vocabulary than other kids your age because you just keep reading. But for now, I just love that one of the few times you'll let me snuggle you is when you're in my lap listening and looking as I read to you.

One of my hopes for you is that you will live up to your name and be a light to those around you. I can say with certainty that you bring light to the faces of those around you now. You are a very strong little guy and I hope that as you grow up, you have more than physical strength. I hope you have strong faith, kindness, emotional stability, and strong ethics. I hope you are a healthy and productive member of society who is a God seeker. I hope I get to see you accomplish big things, in your own life and in the world.

Samson, Daddy and I will be here for you no matter what. You will be able to ask us questions and know we will tell you the truth. You will be able to come to us and tell us difficult things and know we will still love you. You will be able to turn to us in times of happiness and in times of sadness.

You are off to an amazing start! May there be many more birthdays to celebrate and may you be celebrated by as many people as you are this year on your first one. Don't ever doubt that you are significant or that you are loved.

Thanks for making me a Mama, Samson. The best and hardest title I've ever gotten to claim.

I love you.

Love, Mama

Sunday, February 13, 2011

newsletter: month 11

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are eleven months old! Daddy and I just got your birthday party invitations and are about to send them out. We had a really good time going through all the pictures we have of you and exclaiming about how small you used to be and what a little boy you look like now. I can hardly believe that are almost a whole year old!

You crack me up at least once a day. You know how to shake your head no but it's not always conversationally appropriate. Sometimes it is though and I'm still not sure how much of that is coincidence and how much is you really understanding and responding. You're very smart though, and you do communicate with me an awful lot for a little baby. But about the laughing. You will shake your head no just before you do something you're not supposed to. Also if you bump into something, you'll often sit back and shake your head no. Sometimes I laugh because you have just burst out with random laughter all by your little self in the middle of the room. Other times it's because you've taken my face in mine and blown me a kiss or the way you smile when you see my hair down. You're completely adorable, even when you're being a huge stinker.

You pull my hair and you steal my glasses right off my face. You spit food right back at me sometimes and you act like we're trying to poison you when we offer and encourage finger foods. Sometimes you will cry like your heart is broken because Daddy picked you up and you wanted me or vice versa. You determindly crawl into the kitchen even though we put up a baby gate and you constantly find pieces of paper to chew on even though we have to dig them out so you stop gagging. I am fascinated by watching you process things and try new ways to get places or how you play with the same toy in a variety of ways. But I'm still going to teach you how to say, "My name is Samson, and I can be a stinker" because it's totally true.

A few times in the past week, you've pulled yourself up on some furniture and then let go and stood all by yourself for a minute or two before sitting down and crawling away. Sometimes if I set you down on the floor, you'll stand unassisted for a little bit and look around deciding where to go. You cruise around the living room like a little pro and I really think you'll be walking before you turn one. When Daddy and I are walking back and forth in the hallway and you're crawling inbetween our feet, I can see you trying to process how to walk like we do. I am excited to see where you want to explore and how you will get there but I'm also a little nervous. You just are not such a baby anymore.

I see glimpses of both me and Daddy in your personality all the time, all mixed in with everything you are just by yourself. I see you lean back and take things in and react only when you really need to just like Daddy does. And I see how you watch me do something and listen to me explain it to you and then insist on doing it your own way anyway just like how I do. My biggest hope is that I can show you that it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to follow someone's example and it's okay to not always know how to do everything by yourself. I love that you are okay in a room of strangers if you can still see me or Daddy in the room with you. You're a huge charmer of strangers when we go out to eat or are running errands. I'm not sure if I have a heartbreaker on my hands or just a very friendly little guy. But I couldn't be happier that I get to just hang around and find out.

Sometimes, especially after a particularly long night, I wish that I had gotten married and had a baby when I was younger. It is a lot harder for me to bounce back after very little sleep! But overall, I'm glad that I'm your mom as a thirty year old. I have a lot more patience than I did five or ten years ago. I have a lot more confidence in myself. I trust myself more. I can see what you need better now than I know I would have been able to five or ten years ago. I'm going to make a hundred million more mistakes and you're going to yell at me and slam the door and be frustrated, but I'm coming at all this parenthood stuff from a good place. I love you like crazy and I always will.You are simply amazing.

Thank you again for making me a mama.

I love you, Samson.

Love, Mama

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

humpday happiness

Some stuff that is making me happy...

...impromptu (kind of) coffee dates with good friends!
...making my son laugh every night by making up silly songs while I get him ready for bed.
...clean clothes.
...a nice warm house on a very cold day.
...making new mommy friends. husband apparently working on some super secret Valentine's day something.
...planning date night! very long hair, even though I still don't do all that much with it.
...cold beer.
...the redesign at
...that darth vader car commercial!
...playing Words With Friends. refunds
...Superbowl commercials in general
...planning S's first birthday party!
I have a hard time letting go sometimes.

When I first started dating my now husband, he had this friend who was very prominent in his life. She was the source of many frustrations for me and an active instigator of problems or attempted problems between me and him. Over the past few years I have gone from being blindingly angry whenever she's been or tried to be a part of my life in any way to trying to be friendly to deciding it was okay to just not want to engage any more at all. My son was born during the time that I was attempting to be friendly but since she didn't come by the hospital during our extended stay or talk to me at all about visiting or congratulate me or anything like that, I figured she had finally decided to move on. It turned out that she hadn't, and even though she and I had never talked about her seeing my son, she has decided I use him as a weapon against K's friends by not letting any of them see him. That's ridiculously untrue but you can't reason with an unreasonable person. She sent me a nasty email in October and after K called her and asked her what she was thinking, she decided to end their friendship and all communication.

I should just be glad. In the height of my frustration and anger with her, I remember thinking that I didn't want her at my wedding and I would never let her hold any of my babies. It came true... K and I with our super small court room wedding didn't invite any friends because we could barely handle all the family drama as it was and I never knew she even wanted to come see S. I'm glad I didn't have to sort out all the conflicted feelings that would have arisen in either case.

But you know what? I still want to have my say. I want to tell her exactly what I think of her and why both me and K are better off for her not being in our lives any more. I want to respond to that nasty email line by line. I want to tell her I hope her son meets someone exactly like her and that girl does everything she did to K to him. Everything. I want her to write me a check for all the times I helped K make sure all the bills were paid while they were roommates. I want to make her cry.

Truthfully I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this. But any time I do spend is more than I should.

It's over and done with, I should be able to just forget it all and move on.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

you might be a mom if...

I have a movie review I forgot to finish, so I'll post it maybe tomorrow... Monday Movie Reviews may just be back! Yay!

And for my actual post today... Some things I was thinking about in regards to motherhood.

You know you're a mom when... don't expect to be able to poop in peace. REALLY enjoy watching Sesame Street. poop, drool, snot, spit up, pee, etc doesn't faze you. go to the grocery store with your hair halfway combed and are just glad you got two matching shoes on.
...the idea of sleeping in makes you wistful for a moment.
...Little People are REALLY fun to play with. cheer for really random things. can do almost everything one handed without a second thought. find yourself talking in the third person to someone who has a tenuous at best grasp on English. from six months ago make you tear up.

More as I think of them!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I went to my parent's house to watch the commercials during the Super Bowl. To be honest, I know a fair amount about football. I just don't care about it at all. I don't want S playing it because there is literally a national fund for paralyzed high school football players. That scares the crap out of me. A freak accident can happen at any time, but it's not as much of a FREAK accident if there's a national fund already set up to support victims. Basketball, soccer, track, golf, karate, whatever else he wants is totally fine by me. Except wrestling. Same exact issue.

Anyway, K had to work and S and I loaded up the car and went over to my parent's house and ate too much yummy food and played and talked and laughed and watched some tv. And the thing that was really great to me was watching my parents interact with S. They love him to pieces and he clearly adores them as well. He's a really smart little kid and he surprises my parents with the way he plays with toys sometimes. It's great.

I love my family very much. I feel really lucky to be able to see my parents pretty much whenever I want to and I'm hoping to eventually get to know K's family in a way that allows the same kind of interactions.

Good times, good times.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

i'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you

I have never known sleep deprivation like I do as a mom.

I love being a mom. I love my son more than I ever knew was possible. But there are days, like today, when I would love to get back into bed and just stay there for five or six hours.

When I was pregnant, I hated it when people would tell me to make sure to get sleep because I wouldn't be able to later. First of all, once I hit the third trimester, I couldn't really sleep all that well anyway. I would just lay in bed next to my husband and listen to him breathe or snore and read blogs and whatnot on my phone. Secondly, even if I was sleeping 20 hours a day, it's not like I was storing it up in some sort of bank I could make withdrawals out of now. Thirdly, as a pregnant lady I intensely disliked when people would tell me what I was in for because I knew from my nieces and nephew that no two babies are alike, no two moms are alike, and no two home situations are alike. It just got on my nerves to have someone so knowingly tell me what things would be like especially because the most likely people to share these kinds of things didn't know me all that well.

My whole goal every night is to be in bed myself at 1 am to be able to watch/fall asleep to Friends on tv. Sometimes I make it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes, like last night, I was actually in bed several hours before 1 but just as I drifted off to sleep, the baby woke up. I walk a fine line when that happens. I want to make sure I'm awake enough to figure out what he needs but stay asleep enough that once I get him settled back in his crib I can go back to sleep myself. Sometimes that is super tricky. And some nights when I have him asleep in my arms and I lay him down in his crib and he pops right up, I pick him up with tears in my eyes because I am really that tired.

In most ways I am really glad that I waited awhile (at least compared to my family history and sister and cousins) to have my first baby. I have a lot more patience and understanding now than I did ten years ago. I have a husband who has a lot more patience and understanding of me than he did five years ago when we first met. But sometimes I wish that I still had the same energy and ability to stay up ridiculously late and get up early and be just fine. I know I could figure it all out if I was working full-time, but right now I'm thankful I'm a stay at home mom and can take naps when S naps sometimes.

Friday, February 4, 2011

let it snow let it snow let it snow

San Antonio just had 65 straight hours of freezing temperatures. I realize that in many parts of the country that's not particularly a big deal, but it kind of is here in south central Texas. Last night we had freezing drizzle that turned into a layer of ice everywhere and after a few hours of that, it actually snowed. The official measurement was 0.4", which again, is not much compared to maybe most of the country, but is a big deal here! The last time it snowed was seven years ago. But about four years ago, there was a big ice storm that similarly shut the city down because things like this happen so rarely that San Antonio just doesn't have the equipment to deal with it.

When S woke up this morning, we bundled him up and went outside for pictures. This kid has had an amazing life already. He's been to another state, been on an airplane, and been in snow in Texas all before turning one year old!

Most of the snow melted by about 2 pm today, but there's still a few patches on our lawn that were sheltered by shadows all day. And part of our little sidewalk up to our house is icy tonight. We're back in the midst of a 12 hour freeze, but tomorrow's forecast of 60 is going to feel downright balmy.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

pinto beans and picadillo

I'm trying to lose weight and I really enjoy cooking. I've been working on making meal planning by at least the week a habit because it makes grocery store trips so much easier and cheaper. This is all culminating in a lot of really good meals and leftovers at home.

Tonight, pinto beans and picadillo with flour tortillas is what we're having. K and I are trying to get away from using the seasoning packets you can pick up even though they're super cheap. They tend to have either a lot of sodium or a lot of sugar you can avoid if you season things yourself. I'm trying to be mindful of being healthy for me and K right now but also for S to grow up eating good homemade food. I hope that I can teach him just by showing him that it's easy to eat healthy at home and still eat really good food. And also that it's important, easy, and fun to have physical activity in your life on a daily basis. Hopefully I'll get there myself on that one soon!

So anyway, pinto beans. Super easy. Super delicious. And a side benefit is your house smells amazing all day long. First, you have to either soak the beans overnight or do a quick soak where you boil them for an hour. Allegedly this helps you to not have gas when you eat them, but based on my experience with my husband last night, I'm going to say that I either didn't do it right or there's something else to add to it later to make it really non gas inducing. Then, you put them in a pot with a white or yellow onion cut in medium sized chunks, a hunk of pork fat, a jalapeno or two, and minced garlic. Cover the whole thing with water so there's about two inches of water covering it all. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat to very low and put a lid about halfway over the pot. Let simmer for at least four hours. But longer is totally fine. Check every 45 minutes to an hour to make sure there's water covering the whole mess of goodness. About two hours into it or so, I taste the broth and see how it is. I usually add garlic powder and pepper to taste. They turn out really yummy. And if you want, you can make refried beans the next day. All you do is pour leftover beans in a pan, add a little bit of oil, and heat them and mash them all up.

And picadillo. I did one pound of ground sirloin, half a yellow onion, two small potatoes, a can of diced tomatoes, and a jalapeno. You put the onion, cubed potato, and beef (you could use ground chicken or turkey if you want too) in the pan and cook it all together. Make sure all the beef is crumbled and cooked through. Season it with salt, pepper, a small amount of cinnamon, cumin, and garlic powder. When the beef is cooked, add the can of tomatoes and mix in well. Add about half a can of water and stir it all up and then cover the pan to make sure the potatoes get nice and soft. You can eat this as a taco filling, by itself, or top off a bowl of beans with it. It's delicious!

So there's my random meal tips for the day!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

humpday happiness

A small list of things making me happy these days...

...finally starting to actually feel better! It only took 5 days of Tamiflu and 10 days of antibiotics but I think I'm on the mend!
...a husband who wants to cuddle every night. That's not code for anything, but our sex life is great too.
...watching channel 4 news every weeknight.
...How I Met Your Mother
...planning S's first birthday party!
...this cold weather!
...having a nice cozy home to be in during all this cold weather.
...lengthy phone calls with Californian friends
...S standing next to me as I prepare his bubble bath, watching intently and with anticipation even though it literally happens the same way every night.
...being able to put a bunch more stuff in our recycle bin than in our trash bin. I'm from California, yo.
...talking about Valentine's Day plans with K
...the possibility of snow tomorrow!
...reading blogs (if you know of any good ones, let me know!)
...Top Chef All Stars
...eating better and making plans with K about how to do even better
...simmering things while it's cold outside
...Chinese food delivery
...nice and hot showers
...Dr. Pepper

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

baby baby baby oh

Tentatively I want to post something every day this month.

Writing is very healing for me. I haven't been traumatized recently or anything like that, but writing helps me sort my head out and be able to let things go. It's been an intense year, eighteen months or so and a lot has happened. I think maybe if I can get back into posting on my blog, it'll also be easier to get back into my personal journaling.

I think this is going to be good.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

should old acquaintance be forgot?

Happy New Year!

I actually got to do almost exactly what I wanted to do this New Year's Eve. Everyone in my house was still a little sick, so we opted to skip any gathering and stay at home. Ki and I had a bottle of sparkling wine at midnight and since we miraculously had gotten S to sleep before midnight as well, we went outside and watched all the fireworks we could see from our porch before we got too cold and went back inside. S ended up waking up awhile later and then refusing to go right back to sleep but it was okay. Ki and I stayed up together with him and then talked way too late after he did finally go to sleep. It was nice to just be the three of us for a holiday gathering.

I love our families and I love that we have so many relatives that live right here in San Antonio. We're definitely blessed and I'm so excited that S gets to grow up with grandparents right here! He will most likely have a lovely cheering section at any event he participates in as he gets older. I got a little overwhelmed with all the holiday gatherings this year for some reason. I think that next year we will be able to strike a better balance between upholding my traditions, Ki's traditions, and creating our own traditions with S. Sometimes you have to do things the hard way before you see how you can do it a lot easier.

I think it's going to be a good year. We're really starting to get this three member family thing down and Ki and I are such a good team. I'm glad the shiny-ness of our marriage hasn't worn off yet. I suppose it will at some point, but for now, I still get a little thrill every time I hear him call me his wife or when I get to introduce him as my husband.

I have some resolutions, but I want to think about them a little more before I write about them here. But one is to definitely write more here. So, yay? :)