Friday, October 26, 2012

the one where i am just really pregnant and ready but not ready

32 weeks pregnant. 7 weeks to go.

I'm glad because I've definitely reached the point of this pregnancy where everything exhausts me but I still wake up ridiculously early for no apparent reason but am unable to go back to sleep. I was looking through my journal from when I was pregnant with S and that happened with him too. It was easier with him though because I wasn't working and didn't have anything else to do so I'd just nap whenever I wanted to and all the hours of sleep somehow added up to be enough. This pregnancy has been MUCH smoother, for which I am super grateful. But my hands and feet are still swollen by the end of the day and I've been wearing the same four shirts for ages. I really don't like not wearing my wedding ring! For as simple as it is, it's my favorite piece of jewelry I've ever owned because it matches K's and I like that we both so rarely take them off.

But, the baby's room is nowhere near ready. The house isn't in the type of condition I'd like for it to be to bring home a new baby and have people want to come over to see us. We have a vague idea of how to take care of S while I'm in the hospital but haven't entirely set that up yet.

When I was pregnant with S, I battled depression pretty heartily and panicked about a lot of things. My doctor told me to take a deep breath and understand that to bring a baby home from the hospital, all I really needed was a car seat, a place for him to sleep when we got home, a few changes of clothes, and diapers and wipes. We have that for this baby, I'm not depressed like I was before, and I know more of what to expect. But I would still like to have the room actually set up and the floors mopped and a hearty stash of shampoo, conditioner, lotion, toilet paper, etc for the grown-ups in the house.

This weekend I should be able to get the futon out of the baby's room and into the front of the house, the crib put back together, a spot in my room cleared out for the bassinet, and maybe half the closet in the baby's room cleared out. But any portion of it being done is going to put my mind a little bit more at ease.

Friday, October 19, 2012

the one where i think everyone should have an ob like i do

After puking all day yesterday and being up most of the night with contractions and general uncomfortableness, I called my OB again this morning to ask to be seen because clearly this wasn't good. She said to just go to labor and delivery at the hospital I am going to deliver at and have them evaluate me for dehydration and to check my blood pressure and the baby. So I did.

I got a bag of IV fluids, an anti-nausea medication, and some apple juice, water, and food to actually stay down. My baby was on the monitor the whole time and I could hear his heartbeat and that's just such a lovely sound. Especially when it's my children and the heartbeat is mixed in with kicking the monitor.

My OB came by and told me my labs looked normal again, the baby looked gorgeous, and I seemed happier than I did earlier in the morning so I needed to get the hell out of her hospital. That made me laugh so hard!

I'm doing much better now but am thoroughly exhausted. Had a full on meal and it's staying down just fine so I think I'm good in that department. Just gotta keep up the fluids and hopefully rest up a little bit.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

the one where i make a new list of happy things!

I woke up awhile ago and can't go back to sleep, so I might as well write for a bit!

Here's a list of things that have been making happy over the past week or so...

...the way K makes sure to kiss me every time he sees me. I get the first kiss when he gets home, kisses goodnight, kisses good morning. more stuff at home again. part-time nanny job--I help with homework, cook (or finish up a crockpot meal) dinner, clean it up, and go home. I thought I was just done being able to earn some money until after the baby is born, so that's a huge relief. It's super helpful to the family while they search for a permanent nanny, S gets to play with some kids his own age, and I am adding to my recipe list!
...taking showers at night and waking up with crazy curly hair.
...drinking gobs and gobs of lemon sparkling water. OB hugging me and telling me she can't believe how smoothly this pregnancy has gone and how happy she is for us to be having another kiddo.
...having my c-section officially scheduled.
...S now says "Thank you, Mommy" almost every time I give him something. I just want to cover that little face in kisses every time he says it too. fantastic church.
...the tv show Parenthood. Every episode makes me at least tear up, if not full on cry. It's not just because I'm pregnant either. Definitely one of my all-time favorite shows.
...I got my flu shot. S got his flu shot. K is getting his flu shot and probably Tdap on Thurs. Yay for no flu and yay for Baby C-2 being a little extra protected! little Scentsy warmer nightlight in my bathroom with a lovely citrusy scent chosen by my friend Tina who knows that I miss the orange blossoms of Riverside.
...having Democrats and Republicans on my Twitter feed who like to live tweet debates.
...this baby is big and strong and active enough to actually wake me up by moving around like a little crazy man.
...after I finally get S into bed, it is pretty funny to me that such a little guy has so very many stall tactics. Who taught him any of that?!
...SNL has been really funny lately, especially The Weekend Updates.
...there was a Max and Ruby episode where Max gave Ruby a taste of her own medicine. Finally.
...The @honesttoddler twitter feed. OMG so freaking funny! And also possibly coming from my son somehow.

the one where more details would feel cathartic at first and then get me in a lot of trouble

As I've grown up, one of the hardest things I've learned how to do is disengage.

I have strong and what I think are well-informed opinions about a lot of things and I sometimes have to fight the desire to share them and also the process I underwent to arrive at the opinion.

But sometimes, the best thing to do is to just not say anything. Or give a very short answer with the ability to just move on to something else built into it.

Sometimes I really hate that.

It's politics, but it's also just stupid extended family stuff sometimes too.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

the one where i talk about my boy

My mom referred to me as her velcro child for at least the first four years of my life because when she tried to drop me off anywhere, I would attach myself to her leg in an effort to not have to stay. I was painfully shy even after I gave up attaching myself to her and still spend a lot of my time around people being fairly quiet. I like to assess the situation before jumping in. I'm definitely an introvert and I can spend time in large groups, even speak in front of large audiences, and I enjoy getting to know new people but then I need some recovery time spent all by myself. As I've gotten older and added things to my life like a husband and a child, I've been able to shorten the time I need and sneak it in during things like slightly longer showers or by concentrating on cooking something fantastic or even losing myself in a song while driving.

I don't think my husband has ever met a stranger. He thrives on meeting new people, on spending time in crowds, and loves parties. Everywhere we go, it is almost certain someone will ask him if they know him from somewhere and they usually do. When we go to any kind of gathering together, I have to tell him at least 45 minutes before I really want to leave that it's time to get going because it takes that much time for him to go around and say by to everyone.

S is a fantastic combination of our looks and our personalities. He has some traits that are distinctly similar to me and just as many like K. And there are things that are kind of a combination. For example, the kid gets free stuff all the time. Even before he was born, he got clothes and baby gear (for which we are so incredibly thankful!). It is not uncommon in the least for people to give him stuff when we are out and about. That's why we have five thousand hot wheels. That is definitely like his daddy. He is pretty personable but doesn't immediately go to people he doesn't know well. That is definitely like me.

But all of the sudden, he is very shy and sometimes even hesitates to go immediately to any of his grandparents. Of everyone he knows, that's the set that he knows the most after me and K of course. He will clutch my arm or step behind my legs. He freaks out when we drop him off at church childcare. As much as I would love to find a baby-sitter we can call and have come over to watch S, I am now pretty scared to even try to start that process.

These days, I am just exhausted all the time. I am stressing over the state of my house and the baby's room. K and I came up with what I think is a decent plan today on getting the big stuff taken care of and then tackling the little stuff. I can't get anything done while S is awake because he's into everything trying to help me or just explore newfound treasures like inside of the closet. And when I get him down for a nap, I take one too because I am drained. He usually goes to bed before K comes home from work, but that's kind of a crap shoot lately too. I can focus on things long enough to make a grocery list or a to do list for the next day, but that's about it before I just crawl into bed too.

And this is why I am quietly freaking out about adding another baby to the mix. Tired now has nothing on a brand new newborn. I don't know how long S is going to be in this phase or if this is just how it is from here on out with him.

Just trying to take it a day at a time. And I am beyond grateful that my parents live nearby and can and will take S to their house for a few hours here and there and he has a great time!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

the one where i just vent for awhile

I can't write about 31 days of getting my sh*t together because it is freaking me out too much. Everything will come together and likely in the timeline I want it too, but I have to stop writing about it every day. It's not helpful to get myself all worked up about it. I just need to do it. I need to figure out who I can ask to come help me get some stuff done but first I need to prioritize.

There are a lot of other things bugging me because I'm extra hormonal and tired. There are some things about pregnancy that are just mean. One is going to bed exhausted but still waking up with no hope of getting back to sleep at ridiculously early times. So here are all my controversial things that are really driving me crazy.

One is we qualify for some programs that will help us get some baby gear for either free or really cheap. I am extremely grateful for the help and any time I am talking to someone with the program, I make sure to tell them that because I get the feeling not a lot of people do. The thing that I hate though is the assumption that since I'm in a certain income bracket, I must be dumb and/or irresponsible. So instead of calling it a class, it's called a baby shower that I have to find childcare for because it's really a two hour class about how to have a healthy pregnancy. It sucks to be condescended to. Maybe it's pride. Maybe I am actually dumb because if I was smarter, we would be in a place where we were bringing in more money after all. It still sucks though. I think I would be dumber to not go though.

Please, if I don't ask you or it's not a natural part of a conversation we are actually having, do not give me medical advice. Again, I'm not dumb. I haven't missed a single doctor's appointment. I cannot stand my amazing OB's medical assistant, but I have called her a few times anyway to check to see if certain things were okay or how I should handle something. I have loved this baby since the two lines showed up on the pee stick. And I love my husband and my toddler. I'm not going to intentionally do anything to put any of us at risk. My OB and I painstakingly (for her, I'm sure) went through the list of what food and drink is okay and what isn't and how much caffeine is okay and everything else. K and I even had a long conversation with my OB about whether or not it was okay to even try to conceive several months before we actually even decided to try again. I'm sure your heart is in the right place and you either knew someone or knew of someone who made some hefty mistakes while pregnant. But I decided to listen to just my doctor because she knows my whole history and never bats an eye when I bring a list of questions to an appointment, even though I saw her two weeks previously. 

Those are the two big things. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest! 

Friday, October 5, 2012

the one where i write about 31 days #5

S clearly knows something is up. He wants to sit in my lap all day long and at night he'll be quiet for a bit but then suddenly start yelling, "Mommy, where are you?!" I don't want to reward random yelling but I also don't ever want him to feel abandoned.

I am exhuasted.

We had one good night of bed time and sleep this week, and for that, I am grateful. But I am still tired right now. I was just daydreaming of the time when I could hold firmly to "time worked is time paid." Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever had and there is never a clock-out time. Or paycheck. I think when S gets a little older it'll be easier because it will be a more give and take relationship rather than me doing so much work with little feedback from him.

Potty training went super well today, which is awesome!

And that's all I've got.

the one where i write about 31 days, day #4

Okay, so day 4 was yesterday. And part of my getting my shtuff together was that I let other things be a priority over writing last night. I think that was a good decision.

My mom picked up S on her way home from work and took him home for a couple of hours. It was fairly glorious to have just a little bit of time to read and eat without chasing after anyone or sharing everything or being sat on in one way or another. I'm so grateful that my parents live nearby and love my family as much as they do. They don't shy from saying no if we ask them to watch S and they can't for whatever reason, but we are always free to ask.

I got a load of laundry going, I attempted to find a workbook I need for a Bible study locally and ended up just ordering it online, I downloaded a book to my Nook, I got some spicy Thai curry, I went to Target and got some potty training supplies, and I picked up my little guy.

I also discovered I'm old. When I was at Target, my total was $60.05 and I get the cashier $61. He hit the wrong button and was freaking out over not knowing how much change to give me. I said not to worry, I just needed .95. And he was super grateful I'm so good at math because he is not. I'm old because I shook my head to myself while thinking it just wasn't that hard to know how much change I needed.

I didn't cross anything off of my to-do list, but I also should have listed getting S potty trained by Nov (or at least do everything I can to make it happen by Nov) on there. I think I have everything I need now.

Day 4 of getting my sh*t together... Not too shabby. But the house is still a mess. :)

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

the one where i talk about 31 days of getting my shit together #3

The biggest thing I did today was go grocery shopping, get a whole chicken, cook it, debone it, and start chicken stock that will cook overnight in the crockpot. It's not giant, but it's a decent accomplishment that I'm pretty excited about!

My method was super simple.

Rinse the chicken off
Stuff the cavity with lemon and parsley.
Cook in the crockpot on high for 4.5 hours.

Let chicken cool.
Debone as much as I had patience for tonight.
Dump the bones and skin right back in the crockpot.
Add celery, carrots, garlic, pepper, onion, salt, and water.
Cooking on low overnight.

Tomorrow I'll strain it and put it in containers. I'll freeze most of it and use some of it for something immediately so I can taste my handiwork!

Tomorrow I'll also be making chicken salad with the chicken. I'll add Greek yogurt, mayo, grapes, red onion, apples, salt, pepper, celery, and almonds. Maybe something more if I feel like it needs it. I don't know know, I"m really winging this one.

I picked up in S's room, I picked up a bit in the living room, I decided the clothes really need to be folded and put away, and I glanced longingly at the baby's room, wanting to dive in there and sort clothes and set up the crib and everything. It has to be cleared out first. Decidedly less fun.

Yesterday, I think my husband was a bit concerned about me. I don't know what's wrong. I feel tired and achy but I have a two year old doing his best to stage a sleep strike which seems to be affecting my energy level MUCH more than his. I miss baby-sitting. Last time I was pregnant I was fairly depressed while I was working and it started to lift once I wasn't anymore. This time, I'm in a funk after having had to stop working. But he took care of S so I could take a delicious nap and he ran some errands for me after we finally got S quiet for bed time.

I was so fiercely independent for so long that sometimes I fall back into that and forget that my husband and I are part of a team that does things together and for each other. I don't ask for help very much and I need to more. I need to open up a bit more to him. But I am thankful he knows me well enough to just jump in and take over sometimes. We've both gotten better. We both have a ways to go in being a 100% team 100% of the time. I think part of it is we were both on our own for several years before getting married. And part of it is personality and part of it is just straight up time availability.

You know what though? When I was in labor with S and my epidural stopped working and I knew something was wrong but couldn't string the words together to say, all I wanted was K standing next to me holding my hand. And he knew it and was there. He only let go to run to get a nurse and they did the c-section within ten minutes of that.

This is not the journey of 31 days that I had meant for it to be, but I am grateful for the reminder that my husband doesn't expect me to have all my shit together. He just expects me to let him help me figure it out and remember that he's there regardless anyway.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

the one where i talk about 31 Days #2

Um, I didn't do anything today.

Mostly I just figured out the reason for my kind of funk this week so far is that I don't have anything to do. I do so much better when I have things built into my schedule that force me to plan out the day and get dressed and presentable at a decent point in the day. I know I'm a grown-up and should be able to do that on my own, but I am not very good at it.

I cleaned up the kitchen a tiny bit. I played with S a lot and we read a lot of books.

That's another thing. All of the sudden, my very busy two year old wants nothing more than to sit in my lap or otherwise drape himself on me all day long. I miss my cuddlebug a little bit, but I have gotten used to us being in the same room each doing something rather than me having to physically hold him all day. Also, he likes to sit in my lap and lean back which pushes the baby into me a bit more. I am confident the baby is fine. My stomach or something gets squished out in a different way to get out of the way of the baby and it's just generally uncomfortable. We'll get it sorted out soon enough. I think he senses the baby or that things are changing and just wants some extra Mommy time. It's weird to think that this time period of it being just me and my little guy is ending in a matter of months.

So, here's to tomorrow being a better and actually productive day!

Monday, October 1, 2012

the one where i write about 31 days #1--making a big fat list

Okay. So today S and I literally stayed in our pajamas all day long. Because I am lazy and we didn't have any where to be. That's not a particularly great example of getting my shit together. But! I did make a to do list for the month of October.

...get rid of broken tv in the living room
...move futon to the living room
...clean out every closet
...clean out closet in the living room, pack everything up, and put S's toys in there
...put end tables in the garage
...reorganize kitchen cabinets
...reorganize pantry
...clean out fridge, including wiping everything down
...sterilize baby bottles and make a spot in the kitchen for them
...sort through baby toys to keep, give away, trade in/sell
...sort through baby clothes to keep, give away, trade in/sell
...clear off both dressers in our room
...empty out baby's room, clean, and set up for Baby C-2
...look at baby registries and add/take away as needed
...cancel cable or find it for much cheaper
...go through S's clothes and reorganize his dresser/closet
...reorganize bookshelves in the living room
...move bookshelf into the living room for just kid's books
...start reading to S every night at bed time instead of watching tv
...find out information about toddler story time at the library and go
...apply to Galen College of Nursing for entrance exam
...clean out my car
...clean stroller and repair the handle
...clean out car seat and readjust
...write a ridiculous number of posts for In the Trenches, edit, and schedule them out
...spend time with various friends prenatal yoga dvd a few times a week plan every week and include lunch leftovers as meals

So, we'll see how this goes!