Sunday, September 28, 2014

the one where i daydream about vacations

At some point or another hopefully sooner rather than later, I'll be working and we will be able to save up real actual money for things like buying a house and going on family vacations. Buying a house will likely come first but it's more fun to day dream about vacations, so that's what I like to do. I have said for awhile that I'm becoming a nurse not because I care about people or want to do good but because I want to take my kids to Disneyworld. But I recently found out that it is $100 a day per person. So that is not my hallmark vacation anymore. The more I thought about it, the more I think my kids will kind of hate me until they are adults and then they might appreciate our family vacations.

Here is my vision: we will load up the car, have a cooler, and we will drive. We will go to as many of the states that we can get to. We'll start just here in Texas. We can go to the beach or go to a town in West Texas that intentionally cuts down on light pollution so you can read by the moonlight when it's a full moon. We'll go to New Mexico to see the hot air balloons. And the four of us can each stand in a different state. We'll go to see the redwoods in Northern California so big that we can drive our car right through the middle of one. The Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, the presidential libraries, our state capital, the nation's capital, museums, and national landmarks. That's what I want.

And at some point, Disneyworld.

Friday, September 26, 2014

the one about being in school and blah

I'm in this strange stage of life where I feel like I'm where I need to be with school and headed toward a career that I'm going to love but still feeling in limbo because I'm not working yet. It seems like most of my friends are in actual careers and kind of more like real adults. I'm married and I have two kids, but it doesn't seem very grown up to be in school. Still. Again. Whatever. But, things just take time sometimes. The first plan was to get into nursing school, complete the LVN program and then begin the RN program as soon as possible. I managed to pull off doing that immediately. At orientation for the Winter quarter on Thursday, I met some fellow RN students and when I was asked when I finished the LVN program and I said Monday, it startled people. In that good kickass way. I think there are four of us who were able to have the GPA to be admitted into this quarter of the RN program. That's not a dig on anyone who didn't make it. Some people chose to start in January and others had the GPA and everything but couldn't get it all coordinated with the various offices you have to go through to get started. I'm still proud though. I accomplished something good. I'm registered to take the state exam for my LVN license. I have some credits taken care of and am hopeful to knock three months off of my program.

I think that right now I feel like I don't have anything to show for my efforts. No one walks around taking manual blood pressures or giving injections or handling someone's body fluids. It would be awkward to carry my stethoscope around. I feel a little unsettled. I will be participating in my graduation ceremony but I feel a little silly inviting people to it (even though I already have talked to a few people) because it isn't a degree. I'm working on the first degree starting next week. And I have a long way to go to be a nurse practitioner. After this program, I'll likely do everything else online. But maybe I can have a party after the RN.

I would like to be in a place where I am happy and not feeling like I'm competing or have to justify where my life is with everyone else. That is super dumb because I am actually happy. I haven't felt this much like my genuine self in a long time. I feel smart again. I love my husband and I adore our children. Money is tight but not unmanageable. I think somehow it doesn't feel like it's enough compared to the people around me that were able to figure this stuff out just such a long time before I did. But how do you ever win when you're in a competition like that anyway?

Thursday, September 25, 2014

the one about doing whatever i want

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you write warmly about them, the should've behaved better. Anne Lammott

I stumbled across that quote on Pinterest one day. I censor myself so much in my online presence in order to not rock the boat too much or be too offensive or share too much. Sometimes it is really irritating. I have so many stories that I think if I shared could help other people know they're not alone in their frustrations or difficult situations. For awhile, I felt like I was a pretty good writer and sometimes I would like to use that gift to be entertaining or engaging. But I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to hurt my family.

The longer I am married, the more "my family" means me, my husband, and our children. It's the four of us that drives me to succeed in school so I can be proud of contributing to our finances. It's the four of us I think about when daydreaming about the future. Will we stay in Texas? Where will we go on our first vacation? Should we keep our crazy last name or change it to something else a little less challenging? Will the boys play sports or be writers or artists or all of that plus more? I adore the rest of my family but I don't really think about what my parents or my sister and her family are going to think about decisions that me and K make. And as far as my in-laws go, well, that quote pretty much sums up how I feel about that whole situation.

S is four and recently on a kick where he talks about how I can do whatever I want. I keep trying to explain that it's only kind of true. I'm an adult so it seems like I can do whatever I want, but there are consequences. My actions impact those around me and there are laws that need to be respected and all of those kinds of things. He doesn't understand any of it. I know that sometimes he thinks it's hard to be a kid. He has to go to bed even when it's still light outside (I hate daylight savings by the way) and doesn't get to watch all the tv he wants to and it really bothers him that the four of us don't just share one room. I think it is hard to be a kid. I think it's hard to be an adult, too. When I make decisions I'm trying to predict how things I do now are going to play out.

But sometimes, I am just tired of being nice and thinking about how my actions are going to impact those around me. I don't want to let people into my lane while I'm driving because it never seems like people let me in so why should I? And I don't want to be kind to assholes because they obviously don't care either way; they wouldn't act like that if they did. I don't want to keep all the birthday and anniversary dates and reminders on my calendar because a lot of those people don't do that for me so why should I for them? It's just sometimes that it all feels like a huge uphill battle.

I don't have any neat conclusion on this. But I know I want to teach my boys to be kind because the world really doesn't have enough kindness. I just need to strike a good balance between being honest and being kind. They are all my stories and I do think that if some people wanted me to think more highly of them then they should have treated me better. But maybe I don't need to share all of that with the world at large. Maybe sometimes silence is kind and still honest.