Friday, April 4, 2014

the one with the very brief encounter

Today was the first day of quarter 3 of my LVN program and my first day of clinical. I LOVE my site. I'm very proud to be there and I'd love to work there after I graduate. 

On our orientation tour, we walked past a brand new mama. Her baby son was born on Saturday and she was there with her parents. My teacher talked with her for a bit and commented that baby boy was just content to be asleep. As we continued on, I quickly told her, "Congratulations! It's okay to be tired. It gets better." 

She smiled with a little bit of relief and her mom smiled at me too. And this is why I want to be a nurse. I can offer a brief connection that makes someone feel human again and not just a disease process or a baby dispenser or whatever else everyone is focused on. That's the best part. 

Friday, February 7, 2014

the one about my clinical

You guys. I gave a big whole shot today! I  get to do more and more nursey stuff every week and I'm just definitely in the right place.  


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

the one where it's just short and sweet

It's 845 pm and both boys are asleep. It's a little piece of heaven. My paperwork for clinical is done and notecards are made for my pharm exam next week. I got out a little early so I ran home and showered before I picked the boys up from daycare. Beans are in the crockpot for tomorrow and I'll make cornbread to go with them. It's a little piece of heaven. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

the one about the patient

I had a patient I was to do a head to toe assessment on and patient care notes. I spoke with her for a few minutes and noted, alert and orientated times four. Person, place, time, and purpose. 

Then later I talked with her longer. The more we chatted, the more grandiose her claims became. My favorite was that her daughter is busy running England with her husband the king. I crossed out the x4 and replaced it with a x2. My clinical instructor thought that was hilarious. 

the one where I just ugh

Once I was feeling really overwhelmed in this whole motherhood thing so I called a seasoned mama. I wanted to meet with her and tell her how I was not always the kind and patient mom I wanted to be and was floundering with two kids. I thought I could get an encouraging word or a funny story from when her kids were as young as mine are. We met but she was late and was distracted and just said the words, "you'll be fine" after I admitted that I felt like a failure. And that was that. I'm still floundering, probably as all moms do from time to time. I adore my children and my husband. I also love nursing school and that I get to be a nurse when I'm done. There isn't enough time to do perfectly well with both so I'm constantly wishing for more study time or more patience and kindness with my guys. 

And there's tonight. I hurt my back on Friday and today was the first day I didn't literally need painkillers to move. I took care of a bunch of little things (child care paperwork, new clothes for one child, a new car seat for another child, laundry, blah, blah, blah) but got to the end of the day feeling like nothing is done. No studying. No cooking ahead. No just sitting and playing with the boys. S is three years old and stubborn and smart and I yelled at him because he wouldn't go to the bathroom before bed. He cried and wanted to wait for Daddy to put him to bed. He's asleep now, as his A, and now I'm the one crying. 

I want to be doing something, maybe just one thing, that I do really well and feel confident in too. I have more good moments than bad at mothering and being a nursing student. I think. If I could get a handle on losing weight or organizing the house, that might help. I need help and I'm embarassed to ask because it seems like everything is such a huge mess that I should get it together a little before asking someone to join me. 

So, you know, bright and cheery. 


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The one that's super mushy

A is 9 months old and just so big but at night I nurse him and he intentionally rolls out of my arms and snuggles into my sheets and falls asleep. And I sit in the dark looking at him and he's just my heart laying there. 

And his brother? He's snuggled into bed with a hue pillow, a blanket, and about twenty stuffed animals. So rough and tumble all day long and often a struggle to get into bed, but once he's there heis all soft and cuddly again. 

My heart has to get bigger every day to try to contain the love for these two.  

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The one of a bunch of random

I have drafts of newsletters for A but need to add pictures so they'll be around sometime or another. 

I think everything is set to start nursing school in Oct! A couple of things to tie up still but it's coming together. The biggie is daycare for the boys but I have some things in the works and am just keeping my fingers crossed. 

There's been a lot of judgy posts on Facebook lately and I mostly wonder what it's like to know everything with such certainty. Or mostly that you're right and everyone is wrong. I think about issues carefully and look at different viewpoints and can still see the other side after I've lands someplace. It's how I'm wired. Others aren't wired that way but it still confounds me. 

I can't believe A is 9 months old and I haven't bought any formula. He's had bottles but they're so few and far between that I've just used samples. That wasn't really my plan! But it's worked out well. I don't know if I'll be able to breast feed him at night and on the weekends after school starts. At a year I would be getting him to just milk anyway though so I'm not worried or feeling guilty. Just trying to be flexible. 

I miss writing. 




Friday, September 13, 2013

the one about the gym

K and I recently got gym memberships and I've been going fairly often. I have significant weight loss goals that I hope to make a large dent in by the time my birthday rolls around again next year, but realistically won't be completely done by then. The time is going to go by and I figure at least I've started. It's been about six weeks and I'm about 19 pounds down. The child care at the gym will only take A for an hour, which was kind of initially disappointing. But only having an hour is probably why I've been able to be so consistent. I do cardio for at least 35 minutes and then most of the time lift weights for a little bit too. It's kind of discouraging to be able to see better muscle definition but still have so much weight to lose, but if I keep at it, it'll get better.

I feel better. I feel stronger and somehow leaner even though my workout pants from the days of yore are just now starting to fit decently. I feel somewhat accomplished in getting the boys out of the house and being able to wrangle both of them back into the car after working out. It's getting easier to do cardio and it's not scary to bump up the time a little bit and go longer.

Although I've wanted to lose weight for awhile, I've still basically felt okay about myself. I love my hair and how blue my eyes are. And I don't have a lot of clothes, but what I have is good enough for now at least. After I gave birth to S and had gone through that entire high risk pregnancy and emergency c-section and breast-feeding struggle and had this gorgeous baby to show for all of it, I stopped worrying about what my thighs looked like in my swim suit. My husband thinks I'm beautiful and I just let myself believe it when he says it or that he really means it when he grabs my butt as I walk by. I want to be healthier and active alongside my sons and be able to show them by example how to be strong and have goals and reach them. 


I'm getting there. When I met with a personal trainer at the gym, he said that working out is really only 20% of it and what you eat and drink is 80%. I'm working on making better food choices. I think starting school will really help because I'll need to pack stuff to eat five days a week. When I'm at home all day with the boys and running around the house or whatever, I end up just grabbing things to eat and not making the best choices all of the time because I just realized I'm STARVING and need something to eat immediately. I've stopped buying some things and tried to make healthy things easy to grab from the fridge. I'm okay with it going slowly because I know if I drop Dr. Pepper and everything fried and chocolate all at once, I won't be able to stick with it. But if I go slowly and add in more veggies and replace Dr. Pepper with iced tea and still hang on to chocolate, I'll be able to keep on keeping on.

So here's to being able to buy really cute clothes in a year! And really truly keep up with my two little boys. Because really. They are already so freaking active!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

the one where I'm thinking at the end of a long day

First time trying a post on my phone, so we'll see how this goes...

I went to a funeral this morning. I had only briefly met the deceased but the way he lived his life shaped many friends of mine and those friends have greatly impacted me and my family. I hugged my friend Stacy this morning and she looked at her father-in-law's casket and said, "I can't believe this is my life right now." And that's why I went. Because I can't believe this is her life right now either. No one my age really thinks their parents are going anywhere but none of us have a guarantee of tomorrow. This was a horrid car accident and unfair and these are good people who are grieving. 

Because K has an unreliable work schedule, I do tons of stuff by myself. Me and the boys handle things and I'm glad for the help when I can go grocery shopping with K but am not upset that's it's usually me by myself. But sometimes I really need him. It catches me off guard because I've been so fiercely independent my entire life and I'm string and capable. This morning though, I ached for him to be with me. I felt a little melodramatic but still just really didn't want to be walking in by myself. 

When I was in the hospital after having given birth to A and my blood pressure was high and my doctor told me it would be at least one more day but likely more and K was at home with S, I desperately wanted him with me. There wasn't anything he could have done. It's probable his snoring would have interrupted my sleep. Sometimes when he's physically near, I don't feel as much of a burden. I can release some of the stress, fear, sadness, uncertainty, etc because I know he's got my back. 

And I'm thankful that means he will hold down the fort while I have a girl's night out and be startled when I come home at 830 because he assumed it would be at least 10. The baby cried and cried when he woke up and I wasn't there and K couldn't find the chicken nuggets S wanted for dinner and bed time was a mess but he didn't tell me any of it until well after both boys were asleep. I am so grateful for good friends, laughter, margaritas, serious chats, and relaxing. And I am ridiculously thankful that after that I get to come home to my guys. 


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

newsletter month 7

Dear Asher,

Happy seven months!



When Samson was six months old, we got a family picture. We decided to do the same thing with you. Between various viruses and whatnot and Daddy's work schedule, we almost made it. We got family pictures the day you were officially seven months old! I'm so glad to have an official portrait of us as a family of four. It feels like we've been the four of us for ages and ages even though it's really just been under a year.

You are sitting up on your own and quite content to sit on the floor with toys nearby. I love this! You are still a very snuggly little guy but it is so nice to let you sit and play. Your brother is sometimes very into playing with you and sometimes very annoyed that you are interested in his toys. I suspect this is how things will be for quite some time to come. You, however, simply adore him at all times. If he comes up with it, you think it's a good idea.

We checked you into Kid City for the first time at church! You didn't object and by the time we picked you up, all the volunteers in your room had fallen in love with you. Asher, your smile is just amazing. You are such a happy little baby and you have a way of making everyone around you a little happier, even if just for a few minutes. I hope this never changes. And I hope it's never a burden to you. Let your joyful heart shine through without regard to how others feel about it.

Despite your default happiness, you are a very expressive little guy. You hate the flash on the camera and we've managed to accidentally capture hysterical grumpiness from you. I think you're going to have a lot to say and expressions to match all of it!

You got to go swimming in Grandma and Papa's pool for the first time this past month, too! I covered you in sunscreen, insisted you wear a hat, put you in one of their life preserver suits, and you got to sit in a floaty whale and you completely loved it all. You splashed heartily, you loved zooming from person to person, and then you laid your little head back on the headrest of that whale and chilled like it was your job. I think if it had been a little quieter, you would have happily taken a nap right there, floating in the pool. I also started putting Samson in the tub first and getting his hair washed, and then putting you in the tub with him. You both love this. You will start flapping your arms as I lower you down into the water and splash and splash until I take you out again.

   

You are always on the move and interested in everything going on around you. You won't stay still, even for a diaper change or for a quick face wipe. And lately, I've even had to tuck your arms in and rock you to sleep because even when you can barely keep your eyes open, you don't want to miss what's going on around you. I feel a little like that sometimes with you. Every time I pick you up, you seem a little bit bigger, a little bit more confident in holding your own. I'm so excited to see you grow up and get to talk to you and hear what you have to say. But these moments with your skin like butter and you cuddling into my shoulder and you wanting me to hold you close and sing to you, they can't go slowly enough for me to properly memorize them all. After I give you a bath and then feed you and you smell like clean baby with milky breath, it's just magic. You're big for your age, you're determined, you're curious, and you are already personable. But, remember to just be your age. Just be where you are sometimes. Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you miss the right here and right now. It'll never be just like this again.



Seven months! I'm so excited to see what this month brings. I love you, sunshine.

Love,
Mama