Wednesday, November 26, 2014

the one with some venting kind of

I'm feeling pretty sassy this week. I went to the doctor on Monday because I had a sore throat for about five days but the kicker was a low grade fever. Every time I take my temperature, it is 97.4, so when I felt a little warm and took my temp on Sunday and it was 99.5, it was startling. And it didn't go down, even with tylenol. And it was 99 at the doctor's office, which also never happens. Anyway, it's probably not strep, but I have antibiotics and I got a steroid shot in the office. I have had steroid shots before. They are glorious. Or were glorious. It always has taken a couple of hours to kick in and then cut way down on whatever inflammation I'm experiencing and helps me get over the illness quicker. This week, it just hit me hard. I think it made my blood sugar spike pretty high on Monday night and Tuesday I just hated everyone and everything and felt miserable. Of course I couldn't hole up in bed, I had two exams. Awesomely, in both classes my overall grades are lower now, but I'm still doing fine in school so I'm not too stressed about it. I went home inbetween classes to sleep, but despite the fact there are literally two playgrounds in my apartment complex, the hip place to run around while yelling at the top of your child lungs is right outside my window. So I sat in my car and texted. Ranted.

I have felt like I have to justify and explain my life choices, and I think I'm done with it. I love nursing school. It kicks my ass, but in the best way. I spent a year earning a certificate and then sat for the state board exams and passed the mother effing NCLEX in 85 questions, which is the minimum amount of questions. My license, that I wholeheartedly earned, gives me some pretty good earning power. I'm now working on my ADN and will sit for the state board exam for my RN around March 2016 and start working soon after. That will at least triple my family's current income and I get to be starting a career that I'll love.

The other thing recently that I've kind of shifted to is focusing on the definition of "my family" and my husband and our two boys. All of my extended family is of course still important, but when I'm making decisions for my family and what's best, it's the four of us. We come first. When we do celebrations, we'll make plans that suit us best and then involve others as we can. I feel like it sounds harsher than it is, but we have done a lot of catering to a lot of people around us that haven't ever extended the same courtesy to us. I'm done for awhile. I don't have the headspace. I'm not willing to have the head space for all of it, I guess. A's second birthday is going to be the four of us going out to do a particular activity. We'll go from there!

Thanksgiving, K is working and me and the boys are going to my parents' house. Friday, we are having Thanksgiving Dinner with my parents and sister and her family and I am stoked. I am so appreciative that my parents want us all to be together to celebrate but it's okay if it doesn't happen on the official holiday day. With K working retail and me going into nursing, it's possible that celebrating on holidays is going to be rare. We decided to make the Fourth of July and Halloween priorities to have off for our kids and roll with the punches on everything else.

I read an old blog of mine recently that kind of detailed the demise of a particular friendship. Thinking about this guy (who I didn't date) and how things ended up makes me kind of evaluate where I'm at now with various friends. At least now when I look at friendships that have changed or kind of dissipated, I can still see there was good there at some point. I'm glad for that much at least.

Can we talk about mom shaming too? I don't have time for that shit. If the kids are safe and loved, stay out of it. You do you. Let that other mama make decisions for her family the best way she knows how. You can't judge because you'll never be privy to all of the details. If you are a mama, it helps so much to surround yourself with other parents. You can see how they approach things and glean things you like and maybe see mistakes you can avoid for yourself. But keep your snotty opinions to yourself. Motherhood is hard enough without your "friends" chiming in or talking shit about you.

I think I'm good for the night!

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