Tuesday, July 31, 2012

the one where i am sick and exhausted and can't stop the thoughts from spinning

We are having a meeting with my in-laws on Friday morning to talk about the money we owe them. I have no idea what to expect because I didn't know that we had borrowed anything. I rarely know what to expect with them anyway though, honestly. I'm just trying to keep my chin up and not worry about something I have no details about. It's tough though. I'm pregnant. There is no small thing in my life right now. Everything is HUGE.

K and I have already talked about me probably needing to go back to work once this baby is born. I am beyond intimidated by finding a job, finding daycare, turning my babies over to a place or someone while I go work and then come home to run the household. I'm not so great at running the household when I'm in it all day every day. In some ways that will probably be easier because I'll be able to focus better on how to spend my time. It hurts my heart to think about not being there for every single milestone of Baby C-2's first year especially because I was there for S. But the reason I was there was mostly because the job I had when I got pregnant was awful. I was put on medical leave because it was a difficult pregnancy and by the time I had S, my position was filled. I didn't fight that. My paycheck would have gone directly to daycare at the time.

So here I am, thinking about what to do. I don't think we have the luxury of me staying home with two kids. I think we could make it a little longer if I go to nursing school and then have an actual career to start after that. I'm just not sure that's the best option either. I've been thinking about becoming a nurse for awhile, so it's not just a random idea. If I don't do it now, I'll probably do it in the future. I don't have any job prospects right now. I don't know if it's better to start applying now or just wait until after the baby is born.

One of the biggest things I hate in life is feeling stuck. Feeling like where I am is where I will always be because I don't see anything changing at all. I don't have the wanderlust that I used to have which is good in some ways but in other ways I miss it a little bit. I want to be working towards something. I like having a to do list and crossing things off that mean I get to move to the next step of life. K and I have been struggling to get all the bills paid for so long that it feels like this is how it's always going to be and I really hate it.

He had this job offer awhile back that fell through. It was going to be a lot more money than we have coming in right now. The first thing both of us thought we could do with that much money was give in a significant way to our church and be able to really help some people. I wanted to make little thank you notes with some sort of small treat for everyone at the WIC office because I cannot even tell you how much I appreciate the kindness and helpfulness I've been treated with every time I go in there. The list is pretty long. I haven't given up on that whole train of thought but it just seems so incredibly far away from where we are right now.

I'm pregnant and I'm sick with a nasty cold and I have to take care of a toddler while being both pregnant and sick. So I'm exhausted and everything seems much bigger than it may actually be. But if you could just pray for us, it would mean a lot. We need some encouragement. I am so thankful and so blessed that K and I have a strong relationship and tackle everything as a team. I just hope it gets a little bit easier soon.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

the one where i whine for a quick minute

There are a lot of things that are hard about being a mom that you just have no real concept of until you're in the midst of it all. Today I'd like to focus on what it's like to be sick and be a mom of a toddler.

It blows.

I was telling K just the other day that I don't think S will see me as an actual person until he's in his late teens and that may be if I'm lucky. But right now for sure I'm just this person who he definitely loves, but is supposed to be all about him. And most of the time I probably him. He has no concept of me having a headache, or being tired, or being grumpy. So I think today as I sat on the couch drained of most of my energy from being pregnant and having a cold with no medicine to take to alleviate any of the symptoms, he felt like I needed a cuddle but his two year old version of cuddling is climbing all over me, brushing my hair into my face, and licking my arm.

I love that kid, I really do. But I counted down the hours until I could get him to bed and it be reasonable.

For the record, when I'm not feeling well, I prefer soup (hot and sour if I get to pick), very cold sparkling water, and my bed. Not having someone lick my arm and giggle manically.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

the one where i mention we're having another boy!

K's mom has been really interested in baby-sitting for us and I have been really interested in letting her. It is so lovely to go to an OB appointment and leave a urine sample all by myself. S is a fantastic kid and does really well in the waiting room and everything, but since she wants to keep him, it makes things a lot easier!

K and I were able to drop S off and then had enough time to get something quick to eat before going to the doctor. We stopped at a little coffee shop and I had an almond latte and a breakfast taco and it made me way happier than is reasonable. Almond is my favorite everything and ever since Starbucks stopped carrying it, I honestly haven't found a good replacement drink. So my almond latte was delicious. And it was nice to talk to the couple that runs the coffee shop. I could see me and K having a little place like that someday maybe.

Then, the ultrasound! The sonographer asked us if we wanted to know the gender before she started and we said we did. I'm glad we did want to know because when the baby popped up on the screen, it was immediately apparent it was a boy! Everything else looks good. Heart has four working chambers, brain is where it's supposed to be, there's a stomach and kidneys, and I saw hands and feet moving around. There is a small concern about the umbilical cord placement. My doctor is not very worried and there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm not going to dwell on it. We'll probably do another big ultrasound sooner than normal to check on the baby's growth. I'm 19 weeks and he is measuring 20 weeks so it seems like everything is just fine!

K asked me how I felt about having another boy. I'm delighted. I would be just as delighted if we had found out it was a girl. When I found out S was a boy, I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to do with a boy. I think I would have felt nervous about a girl, but found my pacing quickly again. But, I get to keep making sound effects for everything and fart noises and getting button up shirts and itty bitty pants with animals on the butts. One of my friends said we will need to schedule regular girls night outs and I wholeheartedly agree. There is going to be a lot of testosterone and noise in my house!

I'm due on 12/19 but I'm hoping for a little bit of an earlier arrival. I know my baby boy will always battle people calling him a Christmas baby since he'll have a December birthday, but I can fight for him for awhile to not get Christmas themed stuff for his birthday or too many combined presents and that kind of thing. But it would be a tiny bit easier if he was born closer to the beginning of the month. We'll see. And my mom is also a December baby so she'll commiserate with him if he needs it.

We're having a boy!

Monday, July 23, 2012

the one where i talk about my house with only minimal sighing

We have done a whole lot of unorganized and rushed moving in the past few years. We moved into my parents house for awhile right after we got married because I was very unexpectedly pregnant and it was a bit of a rough pregnancy that put me on medical leave from my job. We had no savings to be able to fill in the gaps. Luckily, as we considered our options, my parents graciously let us move into their house and take over two rooms. We got out of our apartment quickly and moved most of our stuff into a storage unit. It was all very haphazard. It is difficult to pack while freaking out about a hundred things and not really having any ab muscles.

We moved out of my parents' house into our current residence quickly as well. This time we moved with a six month old baby and with K working two jobs. All unpacking fell on me. My main goal was to get stuff out of boxes. We have two ginormous bookshelves in the front of the house that are still a big mess because I just got stuff out of boxes and onto the shelves, intending to go through and organize everything later. It still hasn't happened.

This house is three bedrooms and we are very fortunate to live here in a lot of ways. In some other ways, it is a giant pain in the ass. The house had not been well maintained for who knows how long and we are still struggling with a small bug problem that will hopefully and finally be taken care of by the time we bring home our second baby. The floors are hardwood but abused hardwood. I vacuum and mop often but there are water stains, paint, and marks from carpet being in here at some point and then ripped up. We painted the whole inside of the house before moving in and had a friend help us. He did not do a great job but we had no time to fix it and let the house air out before moving in, so it is what it is. We had a plumbing issue a few months ago and somewhere in there, the toilet in the hall bathroom isn't working anymore. We have central air but have to turn it off during the hottest part of the day because it simply can't keep up. The garage is packed from floor to ceiling with stuff that isn't ours and I believe contributes to the bug problem. But, it's cheap and it's our home for the time being. I have a renewed interest in really making the best of it.

On Saturday, my parents kept S while K and I emptied out his room, cleaned it from top to bottom, and put in slightly different furniture. The changing table and crib are out, the little dresser and tall skinny bookshelf are back, and the toddler bed is new. We got a new area rug for him (of the solar system, on which he excitedly points out all the stars to me every time we go in his room together) and will get some curtains soon. We were able to move a bunch of toys into the room from the living room and as soon as I am able to go through the rest of the stuff in the living room, even more will be transferred. S LOVES his room. He like running around in it, playing, jumping on the bed, fake snoring on the bed, playing with me... He likes everything in his room except bed time and nap time.

I am so glad to have an entire room of the house in good shape. It is clean, it will be easy to maintain that cleanliness, I will be able to move even more stuff in there soon, and my son really likes it. It feels good in there. It smells nice and clean. It feels like it has a real purpose and intentional. I am excited to decorate it a little bit more and proud of all of our efforts to make it a nice place for S to be.

Now, for the rest of the house. The third room was going to be an office but turned kind of into a junk room. Know how a lot of people have a junk drawer? This is like a junk room. We have to get rid of some of the furniture in there and clean the room and get the crib and changing table set up in there. We'll need curtains and space for baby clothes and gear. The bookshelves in the living room need to be cleared off, contents sorted through, and then all put back together but in a usable and organized way this time. And our bedroom needs to be cleaned out. There's a pile of stuff for a garage sale and the closet has some boxes in it that we need to go through.

It's all a bit daunting because I really want to be done by November since the baby is due in December. But, when I go into S's room, I feel like I can do it. We did that in one day and I have months to get everything else done. It'll be a little easier after S gets over hating nap and bed time, but I am ridiculously hopeful we'll get to that point soon. Maybe by the end of the week? I hope that's not a crazy thought.

Thankful for so much in my house, including the reminder that the next time we move it needs to be more organized and intentional.

I can do this.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

i'm sexy and i know it

I am sixteen weeks pregnant. I have a very small but somewhat visible baby bump. I am basically constantly eating and/or drinking something. And I am the most comfortable in my own skin that I ever have been.

I am overweight and thinking about ways to drop some pounds and get fit once I have this little baby, but I hope I don't lose this confidence. My body is doing something amazing all while I am taking care of my household and my two guys. My hair is finally growing out a bit and I have decent looking skin from being out in the sun this summer making sure S is having a good time being an active little kid.

I am exhausted but I am happy. And as soon as this little baby bump gets bigger, I'm going to start skipping shaving my legs. No one says anything negative to a pregnant lady!