Tuesday, July 31, 2012

the one where i am sick and exhausted and can't stop the thoughts from spinning

We are having a meeting with my in-laws on Friday morning to talk about the money we owe them. I have no idea what to expect because I didn't know that we had borrowed anything. I rarely know what to expect with them anyway though, honestly. I'm just trying to keep my chin up and not worry about something I have no details about. It's tough though. I'm pregnant. There is no small thing in my life right now. Everything is HUGE.

K and I have already talked about me probably needing to go back to work once this baby is born. I am beyond intimidated by finding a job, finding daycare, turning my babies over to a place or someone while I go work and then come home to run the household. I'm not so great at running the household when I'm in it all day every day. In some ways that will probably be easier because I'll be able to focus better on how to spend my time. It hurts my heart to think about not being there for every single milestone of Baby C-2's first year especially because I was there for S. But the reason I was there was mostly because the job I had when I got pregnant was awful. I was put on medical leave because it was a difficult pregnancy and by the time I had S, my position was filled. I didn't fight that. My paycheck would have gone directly to daycare at the time.

So here I am, thinking about what to do. I don't think we have the luxury of me staying home with two kids. I think we could make it a little longer if I go to nursing school and then have an actual career to start after that. I'm just not sure that's the best option either. I've been thinking about becoming a nurse for awhile, so it's not just a random idea. If I don't do it now, I'll probably do it in the future. I don't have any job prospects right now. I don't know if it's better to start applying now or just wait until after the baby is born.

One of the biggest things I hate in life is feeling stuck. Feeling like where I am is where I will always be because I don't see anything changing at all. I don't have the wanderlust that I used to have which is good in some ways but in other ways I miss it a little bit. I want to be working towards something. I like having a to do list and crossing things off that mean I get to move to the next step of life. K and I have been struggling to get all the bills paid for so long that it feels like this is how it's always going to be and I really hate it.

He had this job offer awhile back that fell through. It was going to be a lot more money than we have coming in right now. The first thing both of us thought we could do with that much money was give in a significant way to our church and be able to really help some people. I wanted to make little thank you notes with some sort of small treat for everyone at the WIC office because I cannot even tell you how much I appreciate the kindness and helpfulness I've been treated with every time I go in there. The list is pretty long. I haven't given up on that whole train of thought but it just seems so incredibly far away from where we are right now.

I'm pregnant and I'm sick with a nasty cold and I have to take care of a toddler while being both pregnant and sick. So I'm exhausted and everything seems much bigger than it may actually be. But if you could just pray for us, it would mean a lot. We need some encouragement. I am so thankful and so blessed that K and I have a strong relationship and tackle everything as a team. I just hope it gets a little bit easier soon.


C said...

I got through nursing school with two kids and just a little financial help from my mom that was sporadic at best. 90% of my "income" was from student loans. Consider that. If you go to an in expensive two-year program, you can take out the max in federal loans and it should probably be enough with your husband's income... and apply for every scholarship under the sun. I wrote scholarship essays like it was my job (and I did some at-home volunteer work on a crisis hotline twice a month that made me look like I deserved the scholarships)... Three years later (because I spent a year on pre-reqs) I have my RN and I'm earning more than my exhusband ever did.

Plus, nursing school was the most challenging, awesome thing I ever did. :)

Melissa said...

Thank you so much, C! I will let you know how it goes. As soon as I have my voice back, I'll call the school I just got some info from and see what they can tell me.

I think you're a rock star, so I appreciate the encouragement a little extra from you. :)