Saturday, June 22, 2013

the one where i'm lonely

I read this really lovely piece about being in the valley. About being a mama that reads blogs and news articles and Facebook and Twitter and longs to participate in conversations but feeling woefully unqualified to speak up. That's where I am right now. I see pictures of friends of mine hanging out together and seeing people going on vacations and reading news stories that I care about and want to mention but not having the time to investigate more and have a well informed opinion so I just stay quiet. I'm jealous. I am on the outside looking in.

And for good reason, these two little boys that I've been entrusted with need me to pay more attention to them than to most everything else right now. It's a season I'm in. I won't always be wiping multiple butts at home all day and repeating myself five thousand times or carrying one child while the other tries to climb up my legs. My house won't always be so messy I'm terribly embarrassed to even ask for help in tackling projects. I will miss little feet running down the hallway making as much noise as they can possibly make and little arms raised in the air waiting to be picked up.

I know all of this.

But it's still hard to be in this spot sometimes. I miss sleep. I miss having lengthy conversations with my husband. I miss having something to talk about that doesn't have to do with my children. My biggest interaction with people outside of my house is usually church and we haven't been in a month. First the house flooded and we were overwhelmed with trying to quickly clean it up before mold could really set in. And then everyone (except K) has been sick.

So many people have such bigger problems than this. I recently read that all our loneliness is only an illusion. I think it's true, but only if you speak up so you can hear that someone else has been in your shoes. Or is in your shoes. Or just wants you to put your shoes on so you can go for a walk with them for a minute and not be sitting in the same old lonely spot.

I'll be studying for an entrance exam to nursing school and applying for scholarships and financial aid soon. That will all be very good. And at some point, the pinkeye and the colds and the coughing and the scarlet fever all have to go away, right?

newsletter month 6, just a smidge late!

Dear Asher,

Six months old today and making feel like you are hardly a little baby any more! That's silly, of course, but at the same time your first year is just flying by. You are almost 21 pounds of almost pure happiness and I hope it's a very long time before you stop letting me kiss your cheeks bunches and bunches of times every day.

You are a little bit mischievous, son! You are constantly grabbing my hair and taking it out of my ponytail or whatever hastily fashioned up do I've got and smiling the whole time. You sweetly smile as you grab my glasses right off my face and wave them around wildly. I think these are things most babies do, but it gives you a particular glint to your eye that makes me suspect this is an aspect of your personality we are only just beginning to see.

This past month, we started trying out some solids. Technically solids, at least. Rice cereal, peas, green beans, and squash have been eaten so far and you are fairly interested in it all. Really, trying out some baby food has made you much more interested in what I'm eating. You will pull my hands to you so whatever is in my hand can go in your mouth. Not food just yet since we're making sure to look out for allergies and reactions, but I would imagine it won't be long before most of my plate ends up in front of you!

Another first has been you being sick. Somehow a crazy virus invaded our house. It started with Samson having pink eye and a cold. Then I got the cold and you got pink eye. I took you to the doctor because you had a really bad diaper rash and we also discovered an ear infection! You shared the pink eye with me and I shared the cough I had with you. And that cough settled deep into your little chest. We went back to the doctor and you had a hearty amount of wheezing and got a breathing treatment in the office to see how you would tolerate it. Funnily enough, you are the first baby your doctor has seen that didn't scream and cry during the nebulizer treatment! You smiled away and looked around and were quite content to sit in my lap breathing in the mist. We took home a nebulizer and hope that it was a one time use kind of thing and we can put it all back in the box and up in one of the closets. Time will tell on that. About the third treatment, you weren't so happy about it anymore. And then a couple after that, you realized it really was helping and you helped me hold your mask on. Maybe as you get older, you'll get Daddy's immune system. He still hasn't been sick despite the three of us battling germs mightily!

So, sweet baby, it's been an eventful month. Inbetween the rain and thunder, the illnesses, and the doctor visits, there have been plenty of kisses and giggling. You don't stay still very long for anyone. I lay you down for a diaper change and you immediately flip over. Everything is going by so fast, I just want it to all slow down. I want to make sure to show you to enjoy where you are and not focus too much on what's coming up or how you wish things were. It took me at least thirty years to get there and I hope it doesn't take you quite as long. I know you want to play with Samson and do everything he's doing. You will, sweet baby. You two will have all kinds of adventures together and likely get in trouble together too. In the meantime, let me keep cuddling you and making you laugh with silly noises and funny faces. Let me show you brand new foods like apples and sweet potatoes and chicken so later on we can cook pad thai and carne guisada and mashed potatoes together. Let Daddy hold you on his lap and marvel at how fair and soft as butter your skin is. Later he'll show you how to fish and you'll go camping together. There is so much to come! But right now, you are six whole months old. You're my Asher baby. That won't ever really change, but I won't say it out loud as much as I do now.

Love, Mama