Thursday, September 25, 2014

the one about doing whatever i want

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you write warmly about them, the should've behaved better. Anne Lammott

I stumbled across that quote on Pinterest one day. I censor myself so much in my online presence in order to not rock the boat too much or be too offensive or share too much. Sometimes it is really irritating. I have so many stories that I think if I shared could help other people know they're not alone in their frustrations or difficult situations. For awhile, I felt like I was a pretty good writer and sometimes I would like to use that gift to be entertaining or engaging. But I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to hurt my family.

The longer I am married, the more "my family" means me, my husband, and our children. It's the four of us that drives me to succeed in school so I can be proud of contributing to our finances. It's the four of us I think about when daydreaming about the future. Will we stay in Texas? Where will we go on our first vacation? Should we keep our crazy last name or change it to something else a little less challenging? Will the boys play sports or be writers or artists or all of that plus more? I adore the rest of my family but I don't really think about what my parents or my sister and her family are going to think about decisions that me and K make. And as far as my in-laws go, well, that quote pretty much sums up how I feel about that whole situation.

S is four and recently on a kick where he talks about how I can do whatever I want. I keep trying to explain that it's only kind of true. I'm an adult so it seems like I can do whatever I want, but there are consequences. My actions impact those around me and there are laws that need to be respected and all of those kinds of things. He doesn't understand any of it. I know that sometimes he thinks it's hard to be a kid. He has to go to bed even when it's still light outside (I hate daylight savings by the way) and doesn't get to watch all the tv he wants to and it really bothers him that the four of us don't just share one room. I think it is hard to be a kid. I think it's hard to be an adult, too. When I make decisions I'm trying to predict how things I do now are going to play out.

But sometimes, I am just tired of being nice and thinking about how my actions are going to impact those around me. I don't want to let people into my lane while I'm driving because it never seems like people let me in so why should I? And I don't want to be kind to assholes because they obviously don't care either way; they wouldn't act like that if they did. I don't want to keep all the birthday and anniversary dates and reminders on my calendar because a lot of those people don't do that for me so why should I for them? It's just sometimes that it all feels like a huge uphill battle.

I don't have any neat conclusion on this. But I know I want to teach my boys to be kind because the world really doesn't have enough kindness. I just need to strike a good balance between being honest and being kind. They are all my stories and I do think that if some people wanted me to think more highly of them then they should have treated me better. But maybe I don't need to share all of that with the world at large. Maybe sometimes silence is kind and still honest.

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