Tuesday, March 20, 2007

this is your life, are you who you want to be?

Last week or the week before was particularly rough, for a lot of reasons that I simply will not go into here. I had a tough conversation with K that we needed to have and we both had things we needed to talk to each other about. One of the things I needed to tell him was that he was driving me crazy by asking me when I was going to be in school and why I wasn't right now so on and so forth. I explained why I wasn't and then he explained why he's been asking me, and he was absolutely right in it being kind of a big issue.

I can't just jump into school right this second unless I do University of Phoenix, but I just have this uneasy feeling about it that I can't shake no matter how much I talk to admissions or read stuff online from former students and it's also very expensive. But, his whole thought process behind it made me start really thinking about a lot of things and I've been trying to do the stuff I've been meaning to do for awhile.

So far I have:
-Gotten my hair cut (trimmed, whatever).
-Taken out my belly button ring (which has left a giant hole that isn't necessarily cute, but oh well I suppose).
-Found out the dates for summer session and am checking back every few days to see if I can register yet.
-Cut back on snacking at work (mainly Starbucks overnight shifts, but sometimes I snack at my other job because I need a break from just sitting at a computer) as phase one of getting into shape.
-Came up with a plausible work-out plan to start later this week.
-Curbed random spending and came up with a way for this trend to continue.
-Deposited extra money into my seperate savings account ($20 from my Sbux paycheck automatically goes in there already, which is better than nothing but I could do better if I just paid more attention to what I'm spending on).
-Am working on getting up earlier to curb morning time grumpiness from having to rush around and be around a lot of cars on my way to work.
-Spoken up for myself a little more at work (asking that one nurse to please call me Melissa instead of Mel)
-Got my mom a birthday present (it was in December! She wasn't here, but still, how embarassing)
-Reserved some books at the library (it's like setting up a movie que for books but it's free!)
-Went to see a counselor.
-Took a few days off from both jobs to sleep in, spend time with K, and write in my journal. This is most assuredly a rare luxery, but it was needed at the time and I had the courage to speak up for myself to make it happen and am ridiculously glad I did.

Some stuff I still need to do:
-Orgainze and clean out my music and movie collection.
-Organize and clean out my closet. It is seriously out of control.
-Figure out a good way to stay on top of keeping my apartment clean. A schedule? Just being better about cleaning as I go? It's not that it's a disaster, it's just that I'm lazy and can't really take entire days to clean it from top to bottom like I did a month-ish ago.
-Plan out meals and snacks that are better for my health and better for my budget. I've made some good steps in the right direction, but I have a ways to go.
-Take a weekend off to spend time with K doing nothing.
-Think about seeing a doctor for my back.
-Make another appointment with a counselor as more of a maintenance thing.
-Go to school, have a plan for graduation, and look at graduate programs.
-Figure out what to do about my jobs. Do I just stay where I'm at? Do I keep one and quit the other? Do I scrap both and find a new one or two? How do I decide?

Now, to be clear, K didn't ask me to do all of this or insinuate that I have a lot of stuff I really need to work on in order to be good enough for him. He just made me realize that I've been meaning to do an awful lot of things that I have pushed aside for no apparent or good reason. This is my life, and how it is right now is not entirely what I want it to be. I am not who I would like to be. I've got some good pieces in place, but instead of stopping there, I need to fit the rest of them in as well.

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