Thursday, January 21, 2010

there's beauty in the breakdown

This week I've been thinking about privacy and the Internet and pictures and my family. I don't know entirely how to handle it. I want to write and share things and don't mind if strangers read this here blog and I'd love to get comments on every entry I post. I think the problem is with the very small handful of people that I've crossed paths with one way or another that I would not like to be involved in any way whatsoever in my life having access to details about how things are going. It's selfish and kind of dumb, but I can't help it. I don't think it's entirely ridiculous for the person who called me the most abusive person they ever met and proclaimed they wanted nothing to do with me or my husband to NOT have access to our happiness in any way. I can let go of the conversation and the situation and chalk it up to ridiculousness that is beyond my control, but I don't want my baby exposed to it.

Does that sound retarded? It might. Sometimes I can't tell unless someone points it out for me.

My favorite blogger is Heather Armstrong of I recently noticed that she never talks about her in-laws although she has mentioned that she lives near them. I read her blog regularly for a few years before I noticed that, so it's not conspicuous at all. I imagine it comes from a place of respect and not in an effort to not include them. When I think about writing in a long term kind of way, that's the approach I want to take. Crazy stories and funny pictures and good times shared without infringing on my entire life or the lives of those I hold dear in my life.

I'm still figuring out how to do that.

But with that said, I just can't contain my giddiness today about having got to watch my baby on a monitor with my husband by my side. Baby C was actually pretty calm for most of the ultrasound. Just at the beginning when the tech was trying to take measurements of the head, s/he was moving right along with the doppler (wand) which made the ultrasound tech laugh. I love this kid! But when she tried to get a really good clear picture of the face for us, Baby C refused to move arms and hands out of the way. This baby is completely adorable though. There are some very chubby cheeks already which I think is safe to say comes straight from Mama. I'm 90% sure the baby has Ki's nose. At one point, the tech was showing us the profile and Ki changed facial expressions and for a split second I was looking at the exact same profile in my husband and up on the monitor. The doctor said she saw my profile in the baby and I just don't know! Those cheeks may be my only claim to being in the room when Baby C was conceived.

I just want to look at the print outs from the ultrasound and show people and talk about the baby. I am supremely boring because of this. I can relate any conversation topic back to the baby or me being pregnant or almost being a mama or baby supplies. I can't help it. I'm one of the pod people. At least my husband doesn't mind. Too much at least.

I will figure all of this out about how much is too much to share and what kinds of pictures I'm willing to post for anyone and everyone to see. There's a lot of beauty in being able to let go and jump in but sometimes it's hard. I do believe I may be the fiercest Mama Bear you ever did see when it comes to my kids. And my husband too actually. Is that such a bad thing?

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