Monday, January 4, 2010

i can't get you out of my head

I got an email this weekend that I'm sad to say is still affecting me today. I will not get into specifics or even who it was from and I honest to goodness wouldn't even be able to tell you why it was sent to me anyway. But I will say that it made me sad and very angry at the same time. It's made me think about a lot of things and I'm hoping that tomorrow will be the day that I can just move on and not give it another thought.

I think the biggest change in myself over the past decade is that I've let go of my burning NEED to explain myself to everyone. I've realized that there are definitely times when I have to simply walk away and let the other person think whatever they are going to think because I will not be able to convince them otherwise. It tears at me sometimes, but it really is better sometimes to answer with silence. There have been two people in the last four years specifically that I've had to just walk away from and let them burn themselves out. I don't know why it took me so many years to realize that sometimes all I was doing was adding more fuel to the fire by trying to explain myself.

This email made me think about my point of view as a daughter to my parents and what it's going to be like to be someone's mom. I've been a little startled already to realize how fiercely protective I already am of my child and I haven't gotten to hold him or her or hear the words "I love you" or anything like that. It seems as though motherhood probably toughens you up in some ways and makes you softer than ever in others. I can see how some things will change inside me that first moment I hold my baby and I am looking forward to finding out the other changes that will happen. But one thing I know right now, today, is that I may be the fiercest mama bear you ever see.

Ki and I talk often about what kind of person we hope to raise our child to be. I want a healthy, happy, productive member of society who never forgets that other people should always treated with respect simply because they are also human. I hope we have a child who feels like they can always come to us, even if it's not a pleasant situation, because they know they will find love and support. I hope that Baby C grows up to be an adult who makes decisions based on actual informed opinion and is always willing to hear someone out even if their politics are different or anything in that realm. I'm hoping for a heart that is tough enough to withstand going through life without too many bruises and scars but soft enough to let people and places inside in a meaningful way.

I am sometimes taken aback by how much I love this kid already. When I think of some of the people I know and the way they handle relationships with people, it makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have the amazing husband I have and that we've already made decisions for our child out of love. I can't help but think that no matter how many mistakes we make about schedule making and setting rules that our love will be the biggest thing that comes through. I hope so. I would be absolutely heartbroken to know my child could treat anyone the way I was treated recently.

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