Thursday, May 17, 2007

thinking on a thursday

Earlier this week, one of my friends had this huge conflict with her boyfriend because of her diary. She went to spend the weekend at her parent's house and her mom had found an old diary of hers and she went through it and found it to be hilarious. She has another more recent one that she writes in sporadically and her boyfriend ended up reading it and being angry and hurt because there wasn't much written about him, especially compared to other guys from the past. She just doesn't write in it as much as she used to and has this completely different way of noting important events in her life. It's one of those things where I can understand him being upset, but he should have listened to her a little more clearly when she tried to explain why she didn't think it was a good idea for him to read the more recent diary.

But it all made me start thinking and looking at my stack of journals. I've been writing for a very long time. I am not a very consistant writer but have always found value in getting my thoughts out on paper. Often times the good times are not recorded or contemplated as thoroughly as the rough times are simply because the good times are not as stressful or overwhelming to the point of emotional paralysis. The best way I can start to get myself to feel unstuck is to start writing things down.

My handwritten journals are for me. I start writing without background information, I stop in the middle of a line of thinking, I cuss, I underline and circle things, I am sometimes ugly. I am sometimes ridiculously giddy over something that may mean absolutely nothing to anyone else and obsess over things that even I at the time know are ridiculous. But I write with the assumption that no one else will ever read what's in there and maybe that's not an entirely safe assumption. I don't know.

My boyfriend is a writer and he keeps journals. I get tHe impression (but don't know for sure) that he writes even more sporadically than I do. I think it's a therputic thing for him as well but there are just times when he doesn't want to sit and think about things. There have been times when I would have loved to read through his writings anyway though, just to know what he thought was important enough to be actually putting on paper. But it's not fair for me to ask him to share that with me when I am not willing to share mine with him.

So that's what I've been thinking about. Do I continue to write simply for myself and do my best to not let anyone else ever read it, or do I open myself up a little more to at least K?

I don't know.

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