Wednesday, December 9, 2009

yes, it's another new blog from melissa

I started a blog to serve as a place for updates about me and Ki and also the baby, but I am having trouble finding a proper voice for it. I don't know if that makes sense outside of my own head, but what it ultimately means is I need another spot to post things and see what people think. Or maybe just post things and hopefully make someone else not feel so alone.

That's really what is at the crux of things for me these days. I'm pregnant, unemployed for all intents and purposes, have barely any energy at all for anything, and can't stop crying. Some of it is probably literal depression, some if it is lack of sleep, some of it is stress from money and some of it is me having no idea how to live up to my idea of what a wife and mother should be.

I positively KNOW I'm not the only one in the history of the world to be pregnant and it to not be very much fun. I've heard women complain about morning sickness, but I have not heard anyone talk about learning how to pee in a cup like a champ, out of control eyebrows, aching boobs, and the misery of trying to find a bra that will fit, be supportive, AND comfortable and then last for more than a month. Every time I see an ultrasound or even look at the pictures, it's all absolutely worth it. But it doesn't make it easier to find a sleeping position that both me and the baby like and also leaves room for my husband in the bed. It doesn't make the tears stop and as much as I love this little baby I would be really grateful if there was something to make my back stop hurting. It's not all awful. Feeling the baby move is pretty amazing and when I lay in bed next to Ki and he puts his hand on my belly and talks to the baby my heart feels like it's about to explode for lack of space to contain all the love I have for my family.

The whole job situation is rotten. I started working at this place at the beginning of summer. It's been kind of an interesting (not necessarily in a good way) set up from the very beginning. I basically like the job but the schedule is tough. It was all bearable until I got pregnant. This baby was a lovely surprise that promptly turned my world upside down. I know of pregnant women who work right up until the day they go into labor. This has not been my experience. Morning sickness isn't the right phrase to accurately describe throwing up every time you lift your head up from the pillow. I literally have a favorite bathroom in the work place to go to in order to throw up because it makes clean up and embarrassing accidents easy to avoid. I am so overemotional that one day I was sent home from work because I could not stop crying and also could not say why I had started or what I could do to make it stop. Since I've only worked there a matter of months, I am not covered under FMLA and absences have not been forgiven. Apparently it was either be put on leave or be fired but I'm still trying to get it all sorted out. Although I am glad to not have to go to work, we were barely making ends meet before.

So, Ki and I are moving into my parent's house. It's incredibly gracious and generous of them and I think it will be a set up that all of use finds to be just fine. They have a big house and the layout is really conducive to Ki and I keeping to ourselves if we want to. When the baby joins us, midnight feedings won't wake anyone but us because our rooms are literally on the other side of the house from my parent's bedroom. It's probably the ideal set up for the unideal situation. I don't think anyone really wants to move back in with their parents, but I'm really thankful we have the option and could take advantage of it before slipping into dire straits. We already have solid moving help confirmed and it's all going to be okay. I just feel a little like a failure as a wife and mother. I can't help but think we should be able to do this on our own.

The friends I've grown up with have done it on their own. I feel so far away from them now though. I thought getting married and having a baby would bring me back to their area, but I guess too many years have gone by. It's not a completely awful thing, but when you're in high school and you pledge to be friends forever no matter what and no matter where you are, it's kind of sad to realize that through the fault of no one in particular, it just hasn't panned out that way 11 years later.

So my plan is to finish up with the packing and get moved into my parent's house. I'll unpack our mini-household and then figure out exactly who I have to talk to in order to get everything sorted out at work. And maybe apply for unemployment if it's at all possible. Then it'll be getting things really set up for me and Ki to have a really solid amount in our savings account when we move out of my parent's house and to get us set up in good habits. We both need to eat better and generally take better care of our ourselves and I would like for us to have some things we just do as a family. Everything has happened so fast that we haven't taken the chance to think about some things we really want to be intentional about. I'm tired of floating along. Not that it's been bad, but especially with adding a kid to the mix I would like us to have certain things we just do. Like Meatless Mondays and regular trips to the library. And I would like to have a list of really kickass things I can cook. The kind of things that people taste and want the recipe but that at the same time we just eat regularly.

I need a break from the never ceasing stomping from upstairs and also from packing. I mean, outside of the break I've taken from packing to write this.


Anonymous said...

melissa - i know exactly what you mean - with the exception of throwing a kid into the mix.... i just gotta tell ya - it'll get better :D not that its not good now, but it will get better. everything will start happening once you start not paying attention to it because you will make it start happening. it will all just take time and go real slow into progression.... but it will :D i promise. while admitting these things are bothering you makes you human, i know your positive attitude will override and you just gotta tell yourself that it will all work out and be fine in the end. :D think of them as little life tests :D

M said...

Thank you, Taki. It's all going to be alright and some days are better than others... And I think the biggest thing is there isn't anyone I'd rather be going through a rough time with than Ki. I figure in a few years we'll look back and be impressed with everything we've managed to accomplish. I appreciate the encouragement. :)