Monday, December 14, 2009

baby kicks

Last night I was laying in bed watching tv and I had my cell phone resting on my belly. The baby kicked hard enough that the phone slid onto the bed. For the next half hour, I just laid there watching my belly move all over with little Baby C kicks and jabs. It was really weird and completely amazing all at the same time.

I had coffee (well, I had water) with a good friend yesterday and we were talking about the big things in our lives at the moment. My default random thought position is firmly set on the baby. I feel bad sometimes because I'm not sure I can help talking about it constantly and it must be such a bore to people. For all the days of puking my ever loving guts out or crying so much I figure I'm dehydrated again, I think it's worth it. My head is in a different place and I like it. It's so scary to think about being responsible for teaching someone else about EVERYTHING, but at the same time I'm really excited.

I'm really not in control of this whole being pregnant/growing a baby thing. My body is doing something amazing and I'm along for the ride. I wonder what the baby is going to look like and what characteristics s/he'll share with Ki and me and what is going to come out of nowhere. I wonder if I'm going to be a good mom. I'm so excited to see Ki as a dad because he has been so great with my nieces and nephew and he has so many things in mind to share with our kid.

I am pro-choice because I don't think I or the government has the right to make that kind of decision for anyone. I would like for women to be able to get what ever kind of medical care they need without having to do it illegally and just because I wouldn't make a particular choice for myself doesn't mean I'm qualified to do that for anyone else. Don't even get me started on the difference in insurance coverage for birth control pills which are often prescribed for a multitude of reasons not involving not having babies and erectile dysfunction pills. With that said though, it has been very apparent to me from the first ultrasound that this is very much an entirely separate human being from me. I may be providing a place to grow and the nutrition to develop but I'm not really in control of movement or sleep schedule or anything like that.

I'm beginning to understand that saying that being a mother is like wearing your heart outside of your body. Not fully, but I get it a little better than I did in June.

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