the one where I'm thinking at the end of a long day

First time trying a post on my phone, so we'll see how this goes...

I went to a funeral this morning. I had only briefly met the deceased but the way he lived his life shaped many friends of mine and those friends have greatly impacted me and my family. I hugged my friend Stacy this morning and she looked at her father-in-law's casket and said, "I can't believe this is my life right now." And that's why I went. Because I can't believe this is her life right now either. No one my age really thinks their parents are going anywhere but none of us have a guarantee of tomorrow. This was a horrid car accident and unfair and these are good people who are grieving. 

Because K has an unreliable work schedule, I do tons of stuff by myself. Me and the boys handle things and I'm glad for the help when I can go grocery shopping with K but am not upset that's it's usually me by myself. But sometimes I really need him. It catches me off guard because I've been so fiercely independent my entire life and I'm string and capable. This morning though, I ached for him to be with me. I felt a little melodramatic but still just really didn't want to be walking in by myself. 

When I was in the hospital after having given birth to A and my blood pressure was high and my doctor told me it would be at least one more day but likely more and K was at home with S, I desperately wanted him with me. There wasn't anything he could have done. It's probable his snoring would have interrupted my sleep. Sometimes when he's physically near, I don't feel as much of a burden. I can release some of the stress, fear, sadness, uncertainty, etc because I know he's got my back. 

And I'm thankful that means he will hold down the fort while I have a girl's night out and be startled when I come home at 830 because he assumed it would be at least 10. The baby cried and cried when he woke up and I wasn't there and K couldn't find the chicken nuggets S wanted for dinner and bed time was a mess but he didn't tell me any of it until well after both boys were asleep. I am so grateful for good friends, laughter, margaritas, serious chats, and relaxing. And I am ridiculously thankful that after that I get to come home to my guys. 

newsletter month 7

Dear Asher,

Happy seven months!

When Samson was six months old, we got a family picture. We decided to do the same thing with you. Between various viruses and whatnot and Daddy's work schedule, we almost made it. We got family pictures the day you were officially seven months old! I'm so glad to have an official portrait of us as a family of four. It feels like we've been the four of us for ages and ages even though it's really just been under a year.

You are sitting up on your own and quite content to sit on the floor with toys nearby. I love this! You are still a very snuggly little guy but it is so nice to let you sit and play. Your brother is sometimes very into playing with you and sometimes very annoyed that you are interested in his toys. I suspect this is how things will be for quite some time to come. You, however, simply adore him at all times. If he comes up with it, you think it's a good idea.

We checked you into Kid City for the first time at church! You didn't object and by the time we picked you up, all the volunteers in your room had fallen in love with you. Asher, your smile is just amazing. You are such a happy little baby and you have a way of making everyone around you a little happier, even if just for a few minutes. I hope this never changes. And I hope it's never a burden to you. Let your joyful heart shine through without regard to how others feel about it.

Despite your default happiness, you are a very expressive little guy. You hate the flash on the camera and we've managed to accidentally capture hysterical grumpiness from you. I think you're going to have a lot to say and expressions to match all of it!

You got to go swimming in Grandma and Papa's pool for the first time this past month, too! I covered you in sunscreen, insisted you wear a hat, put you in one of their life preserver suits, and you got to sit in a floaty whale and you completely loved it all. You splashed heartily, you loved zooming from person to person, and then you laid your little head back on the headrest of that whale and chilled like it was your job. I think if it had been a little quieter, you would have happily taken a nap right there, floating in the pool. I also started putting Samson in the tub first and getting his hair washed, and then putting you in the tub with him. You both love this. You will start flapping your arms as I lower you down into the water and splash and splash until I take you out again.

   

You are always on the move and interested in everything going on around you. You won't stay still, even for a diaper change or for a quick face wipe. And lately, I've even had to tuck your arms in and rock you to sleep because even when you can barely keep your eyes open, you don't want to miss what's going on around you. I feel a little like that sometimes with you. Every time I pick you up, you seem a little bit bigger, a little bit more confident in holding your own. I'm so excited to see you grow up and get to talk to you and hear what you have to say. But these moments with your skin like butter and you cuddling into my shoulder and you wanting me to hold you close and sing to you, they can't go slowly enough for me to properly memorize them all. After I give you a bath and then feed you and you smell like clean baby with milky breath, it's just magic. You're big for your age, you're determined, you're curious, and you are already personable. But, remember to just be your age. Just be where you are sometimes. Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you miss the right here and right now. It'll never be just like this again.

Seven months! I'm so excited to see what this month brings. I love you, sunshine.

Love,
Mama

the one where i'm lonely

I read this really lovely piece about being in the valley. About being a mama that reads blogs and news articles and Facebook and Twitter and longs to participate in conversations but feeling woefully unqualified to speak up. That's where I am right now. I see pictures of friends of mine hanging out together and seeing people going on vacations and reading news stories that I care about and want to mention but not having the time to investigate more and have a well informed opinion so I just stay quiet. I'm jealous. I am on the outside looking in.

And for good reason, these two little boys that I've been entrusted with need me to pay more attention to them than to most everything else right now. It's a season I'm in. I won't always be wiping multiple butts at home all day and repeating myself five thousand times or carrying one child while the other tries to climb up my legs. My house won't always be so messy I'm terribly embarrassed to even ask for help in tackling projects. I will miss little feet running down the hallway making as much noise as they can possibly make and little arms raised in the air waiting to be picked up.

I know all of this.

But it's still hard to be in this spot sometimes. I miss sleep. I miss having lengthy conversations with my husband. I miss having something to talk about that doesn't have to do with my children. My biggest interaction with people outside of my house is usually church and we haven't been in a month. First the house flooded and we were overwhelmed with trying to quickly clean it up before mold could really set in. And then everyone (except K) has been sick.

So many people have such bigger problems than this. I recently read that all our loneliness is only an illusion. I think it's true, but only if you speak up so you can hear that someone else has been in your shoes. Or is in your shoes. Or just wants you to put your shoes on so you can go for a walk with them for a minute and not be sitting in the same old lonely spot.

I'll be studying for an entrance exam to nursing school and applying for scholarships and financial aid soon. That will all be very good. And at some point, the pinkeye and the colds and the coughing and the scarlet fever all have to go away, right?

newsletter month 6, just a smidge late!

Dear Asher,

Six months old today and making feel like you are hardly a little baby any more! That's silly, of course, but at the same time your first year is just flying by. You are almost 21 pounds of almost pure happiness and I hope it's a very long time before you stop letting me kiss your cheeks bunches and bunches of times every day.

You are a little bit mischievous, son! You are constantly grabbing my hair and taking it out of my ponytail or whatever hastily fashioned up do I've got and smiling the whole time. You sweetly smile as you grab my glasses right off my face and wave them around wildly. I think these are things most babies do, but it gives you a particular glint to your eye that makes me suspect this is an aspect of your personality we are only just beginning to see.

This past month, we started trying out some solids. Technically solids, at least. Rice cereal, peas, green beans, and squash have been eaten so far and you are fairly interested in it all. Really, trying out some baby food has made you much more interested in what I'm eating. You will pull my hands to you so whatever is in my hand can go in your mouth. Not food just yet since we're making sure to look out for allergies and reactions, but I would imagine it won't be long before most of my plate ends up in front of you!

Another first has been you being sick. Somehow a crazy virus invaded our house. It started with Samson having pink eye and a cold. Then I got the cold and you got pink eye. I took you to the doctor because you had a really bad diaper rash and we also discovered an ear infection! You shared the pink eye with me and I shared the cough I had with you. And that cough settled deep into your little chest. We went back to the doctor and you had a hearty amount of wheezing and got a breathing treatment in the office to see how you would tolerate it. Funnily enough, you are the first baby your doctor has seen that didn't scream and cry during the nebulizer treatment! You smiled away and looked around and were quite content to sit in my lap breathing in the mist. We took home a nebulizer and hope that it was a one time use kind of thing and we can put it all back in the box and up in one of the closets. Time will tell on that. About the third treatment, you weren't so happy about it anymore. And then a couple after that, you realized it really was helping and you helped me hold your mask on. Maybe as you get older, you'll get Daddy's immune system. He still hasn't been sick despite the three of us battling germs mightily!

So, sweet baby, it's been an eventful month. Inbetween the rain and thunder, the illnesses, and the doctor visits, there have been plenty of kisses and giggling. You don't stay still very long for anyone. I lay you down for a diaper change and you immediately flip over. Everything is going by so fast, I just want it to all slow down. I want to make sure to show you to enjoy where you are and not focus too much on what's coming up or how you wish things were. It took me at least thirty years to get there and I hope it doesn't take you quite as long. I know you want to play with Samson and do everything he's doing. You will, sweet baby. You two will have all kinds of adventures together and likely get in trouble together too. In the meantime, let me keep cuddling you and making you laugh with silly noises and funny faces. Let me show you brand new foods like apples and sweet potatoes and chicken so later on we can cook pad thai and carne guisada and mashed potatoes together. Let Daddy hold you on his lap and marvel at how fair and soft as butter your skin is. Later he'll show you how to fish and you'll go camping together. There is so much to come! But right now, you are six whole months old. You're my Asher baby. That won't ever really change, but I won't say it out loud as much as I do now.







Love, Mama

the one where i mention a quick thing

I got home at 9:45 pm and didn't get S in bed until 10:15. It took another half hour to get A fed and settled. I got a quick shower and I'm about to get in bed at about 11:45 pm. I am really very truly tired. A didn't do well with being with my mom rather than me. But, it was still worth it to have dinner with a group of mama friends who are amazing women who encourage me and make me feel normal. I haven't seen them in a very long time! Hopefully our next get together isn't too far away!

the one where i take it way back yo

I've had various blogs for a very long time. I used to write lengthy posts on a near daily basis and I was so angsty and definitely an over-sharer. It's weird because now, I have basically zero time to write and I'm much more mature in my need to tell everyone everything running through my head and the stories I have to share are so very much more interesting. I really do think if I wrote a fictionalized version of various time periods and situations from my life in the past six or so years, it could be a best seller. So tonight since both my boys are asleep and my guy isn't home from work yet, since I've showered, since I've looked at my messy living room and decided I just can't deal with it tonight, I'm going to ramble out some thoughts until I get interrupted. Just like I used to, once upon a time.

It's Mother's Day tomorrow. I'm so grateful to have a mom that I get to celebrate with. The older I get and the more people I meet, it seems the rarer it becomes for people my age to have moms they get to celebrate things with for a huge variety of reasons. My mom and I have not always gotten along and still misunderstand each other sometimes, but we love each other and I am so glad I get to share my journey as a mom with her. K asked me what I wanted and I said I just really want to sleep in. Or take a long nap. And I really mean it. He actually has to work so because I have a policy of not catering to crazy on my Mother's Day, me and the boys are going to my parents house where we will eat ridiculously good food and laugh and I will leave with two over tired boys.

Incidently, I hate that spending time on Facebook and Twitter has made me have to carefully re-read my sentences to make sure I actually used the right to/too/two and whatever else. I need to get back into reading well written books more than I read anything else.

K and I got to go to this celebration of the Mayor of San Antonio's mother on Friday night. She really is an incredible lady and deserving of such a celebration. But the reason we got to go is because there was a mural unveiling in her honor that will be at a restaurant downtown (Pico De Gallo) and the artist is actually K's uncle. It was a building dedication for part of the new San Antonio Texas A&M campus too and there were a lot of important people there. I got a new dress and I got K a new shirt and tie and we took time and care getting ready and it was our first real date since A was born four months ago and it was so lovely! It was an art show where I actually knew the artist (he asked me how the boys were doing which proves that somehow I think), I got to shake hands with a congressman as we entered, there was really delicious food (I couldn't have picked a better spread, honestly), there was alcohol, and I was with my husband. Before we even left the house, I decided I was going to have an excellent night. I wasn't going to worry about what I looked like because I was excited about my dress and my husband told me I was gorgeous and I decided to just believe him. I decided to not worry about things said or unsaid by any of my in-laws. I decided that my parents could handle it if A literally cried the entire time he was at their house. And I decided that I deserved a few hours to just enjoy K again, just the two of us. So when we walked into the building and I saw Joaquin Castro, I walked right up to him, shook his hand, and said, "Nice to see you, Congressman." It was such a great night! I am such a nerd at heart and something I truly enjoy is hearing a good speech, especially live. Julian Castro can give an excellent speech, and I was right there in the room. It was during his speech, but technically the mayor and a former speaker at the Democratic National Convention thanked me for all the hard work I do as a mom. I'm going to go ahead and take that and keep it in my pocket.

Especially because last night, after I fed my hungry hungry baby for the third time (as he adamantly refused to take a bottle) and finally fell asleep, my three year old woke up crying so hard it took at least half an hour for me to understand what he wanted and then about another half an hour to get him calm and back in bed and quiet. And then it took another hour to get my baby back to sleep because he was so happy everyone was awake that he just wanted to play. I love being a mom. It is hard work, but it's good work. But three years in, one of the absolute hardest things and something I have not improved at much is being startled awake and having to immediately take care of someone and also have grace and patience in that moment.

I am so very tired. I really severely miss sleeping. It's getting better. I think A will calm down again in a little bit and sleep in bigger chunks at night again. I'm just so very tired. I'm blessed and I love my family fiercely. Being a mom of a little and an itty bitty is no joke. A good night's sleep changes your world. I'll get to experience that again. Soon, I hope. When people ask if we're going to have another baby because we have two boys and maybe we'd like to try to have a girl, I just think about doing this again and I want to cry. I don't think I can sign up for it again. I love my two boys and it doesn't bother me in the least that I don't have a daughter. S farted tonight and immediately said, "Don't worry, Mommy, my butt is just making noises again." and I laughed heartily and was grateful there will probably always be fart discussions and jokes in my house. I think I was made to be a mom of two boys. These two boys. Also, hand on a Bible, I don't think I can handle going through year three more than twice. S is a freaking tornado.

I painted my nails for the thing on Friday and having purple nails makes everything more fun. Changing diapers is more glamorous with purple nails. Making dinner is more interesting with purple nails. Typing is more fun with purple nails. There's a really good coupon for nail polish right now so I might have to go back and pick up a few more colors and take some time every once in awhile to paint my nails. I think I also need to take some time and either get a really good short hair cut that's easy to style or set up some lessons with someone on how to do my hair up and cute. I always do the same thing. I put my hair in a ponytail and then smush it up against my head and bobby pin the crap out of it. It's messy and curly and I get a bunch of compliments but it's really simple and unelegant and uninspired. I'm glad I don't have to worry about teaching S and A how to do their hair for special occassions. I suspect that kind of talk will mostly center around making sure they shower on a regular basis. There was an episode of Parenthood last season where the dad told his pre-teen son to make sure to wash his pits, his butt, and his balls every day. That seems simple enough to remember and pass on.

And on that note, I'm going to see if we have any beer in the fridge. I don't know if I'm going to drink any, but I like to think about it sometimes. I'm so glad I've been able to breastfeed A and it's been going like gangbusters, but I think I've just got about another month in me. I'd like to feel like my whole body belongs to me again. Between the pregnancy and the breastfeeding, it's been a long time. I also miss drinking sometimes. For awhile, K and I would get in bed with a beer and share it as we talked about our days. I miss that. I think I just miss that whole scenario though. The opportunity to talk for awhile in bed without worrying about waking anyone up or getting enough sleep myself. We'll get back there.

So there you have it, a hearty ramble, old school Melissa style.

newsletter: month four

Dear Asher,

You are my Sunshine Bear. You have a particular smile that is so big and wide that it just seems like sunshine is going to come pouring out of your mouth at any moment! You have a lot of little smiles too, but that sunshine one is killer. Daddy and I were talking the other day about how we might be in trouble if you find out how fantastic it is. As a teenager, I hope you don't ever think it's going to get you out of facing consequences with us!

Four months old and just about to go into size 9-12 month clothes. You have so many rolls and crevices that I actually talked to a few people about the best way to keep your skin from getting irritated! I'm still exclusively breast feeding you and I know it's not just me, but I can't help but look at you with all your chubby cuteness and how much you've grown since you were born and feel strangely proud that I've had such a hand in supporting it! I will try not to take credit for things you do, but I'm confident I will always look at you with a little awe that you came from me and Daddy.

You are a bit impatient with the whole part where you're a baby and not mobile just yet. You see your brother and your cousins running (or crawling) around and I can tell you're just DYING to get on the floor and keep up with everyone! You are strong and a little stubborn and very determined. It is not going to surprise me in the least to see you crawling soon. But for now, sweet baby, let me hold you close. There is so much time for you to run and tumble and scrape knees and jump off of too high pieces of furniture. FYI, I will always kiss you too many times on those luscious cheeks of yours. Always, even if I have to make you bend down so I can reach your face. 

We have had a bit of a heavy month with job upheaval and decision making that will impact the four of us for quite awhile. One thing that I was a little surprised by was how solidly I think of us as a family of four. I'm sure it's cliche or a little silly to say that I can't believe how much love flows in our house. In the midst of uncertainty about various things little babies never have to even think about, much less worry, our little unit of four is solid. Your brother is completely crazy about you, your dad and I are more in love now than ever before, and you are just so thoroughly loved. My goals for you and Samson are for you to each be God seekers who are healthy and productive members of society. I hope happiness falls in there too. But even more than that, may you always feel this much love in your life. The way you smile at each of us when we walk back into your vision line is amazing and it's not a smile you share with the world at large.

You are so happy and such a blessing. God really honored our name choice for you, Asher. I love you so much my heart has to grow a little each day to try to contain it all.

Happy four months!
Love, Mama

the one that's just some of this and that

Just some of the random crap going on in my mind...


...I fought super hard to breastfeed S and was miserable while doing it because I never had a good supply. I had to supplement with formula from the get go and finally just switched to all formula when he was a little over four months old. My supply has been super great with A and outside of the first day and a half of his life, haven't had to give him any formula. But the spit up is never ending. I've cut out dairy, caffeine, and leafy greens to see no improvement in the spit up. I had to take my itty bitty for an ultrasound to determine if he needed surgery (which he thankfully doesn't). I have called and texted my cousin who is a relatively new (and completely awesome) lactation consultant and strange hours to ask for advice. I have rebuffed several people telling me to give up. And today, a little past three months in, I really started considering opening up some formula for him. He seemed so unhappy earlier today. I don't know what is best for him. I am thankful we got through the bulk of the flu season unscathed and I think breast feeding was a big help. My goal was just six months anyway because I just kind of want my body back to myself. June seems forever away at the moment. It is so much spit up... But he's happy and he's gaining weight and he has wet and poopy diapers so there's no medical reason to quit. I am thankful that my husband told me to make the decision I needed to make for me and for A and he would support it 100%. It's kind of dumb that it's such a thought process for me. It's deciding which way to feed A, not whether or not he's going to eat anymore.

...A has THE greatest smile. It is huge and it seems like sunshine is just going to pour out of his mouth. And he doesn't share that one with EVERYONE. Most people, yes. But I can tell he saves it for people he knows sometimes.

...The older I get, the quieter I find myself online regarding things like the Defense of Marriage Act. Not because I do not have a strong and what I think is a well thought out opinion, but because I'm not interested in vomiting up my thoughts anymore. I'd rather have a face to face conversation with someone so they know that I really am open to being friends even if we disagree about something and that I'm not just an opinionated asshole.

...I can't believe how much I love Netflix. We got a chunk of unexpected money last fall and put some in savings, went to Costco and stocked up our cabinets, and then splurged on two blu-ray players with wifi. Best splurge in awhile! I have watched a ridiculous amount of tv while feeding A late at night but I am so glad to be able to get rid of cable and still have some tv entertainment.

...It's been three years and I'm solidly comfortable in my role as a wife and with having changed my name. I don't feel awkward with referring to myself as either anymore. I don't think it actually took three years, but I just noticed it recently. I wish things were different with my inlaws but I still have hope we can be closer some day. Something about having the second baby made K very comfortable with my parents and calling them or talking to them without feeling like he has to talk to me first. I love that!

...I really like having two boys. My oldest is so funny! I love it when he cracks other people up too. I feel more validated in thinking he's awesome sauce that way. They adore each other and I'm glad for them to grow up together. I just hope I can do right by them as I raise them. 

newsletter: month 3

Dear Asher,

Three months and I feel like we are really getting to know each other. It's tricky how this whole motherhood thing works. I carried you for nine months and felt like I did a lot to actually take care of you before you joined us on the outside. But, I still had introduce myself to you when you were born. At first, it's all about eating and sleeping. Now you're more alert and interested in what's going on around you and I know you know me, Daddy, and Samson. There are a few other people in our lives that you also know and always have huge smiles for too. I'm so glad to get to see better and better pieces of who you really are!

Your name means happy and blessed and we 100% got that right for you. You smile with your whole body and often. You have an open mouth grin that is infectious and completely adorable. You are exclusively breastfed and have been spitting up A LOT. One of the questions that I've been asked several times is if you are in any apparent discomfort. That's the thing. You spit up so much that I have to change your clothes because they are just completely wet and then you grin at me.

That's not to say you don't cry. Sometimes I just have to hold you and talk softly in your ear while you cry because I'm not sure how to fix the problem. I know when you're tired at the end of the day, you need me to take you to the back of our house where it's dark and calm so you can finish winding down. I know that even a five minute bath with water I meant to be warmer will thoroughly soothe you. I know you like me to hold you close and jostle you a little when you're upset. I know you don't cry to just cry. There's some sort of an issue making you uncomfortable and I do my best to work fast and fix it for you.

You are my second born which means you'll get your fair share of hand me downs from your older brother. I'm making sure to get clothes that are new to you as well but some of the clothes I had for Samson are so freaking cute that I'm dressing you in them too. But you are going through them much faster than he did! The two of you have very different body types. We've already been given clothes for you that are based on your brother's interests and I want to do my best to always treat the two of you as complete individuals. Hopefully you'll grow up with feeling any pressure to like the things he does.

I am happy and blessed for having you in my life, Asher. I've officially known you for three months now and I'll never be the same person I was before you were born. I love you very much!

Love,
Mama

the one where i make meatloaf

We've made a concentrated effort to eat at home significantly more than we eat out anywhere. This is going well, for the most part. K picked up a few tacos on his way home last night and he ended up talking to one of the waitresses about breastfeeding and they said, "See you tomorrow!" so maybe it's not going as well as it should!

But, here's a fantastic recipe for meatloaf. Meatloaf is meaty and loafy so you kind of either like it or you don't. And everyone has a recipe they swear is more delicious than the one you normally eat. This is my version of that! It's based on The Pioneer Woman's Favorite Meatloaf. It's slightly modified to save a little cash and a little grease.

Ingredients:
 Meatloaf:

1 cup milk
4-6 slices of white bread (I use 4 of Texas Toast because I like making meatloaf sandwiches on Texas Toast with the leftovers)
1 pound ground beef
1 pound ground pork
1 heaping cup grated parmesan cheese
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
2 tsp garlic powder
1 bunch minced parsley
4 eggs, beaten

Sauce:
1 1/2 cups ketchup
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 tsp dry mustard (or a squirt of yellow mustard)
Tabasco to taste

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350.
2.  Pour the milk over the slices of bread. Let sit for several minutes.
3. Add the meat, parmasan cheese, salt, pepper, garlic powder, parsley, and eggs to the bowl with the milk soaked bread. Mix together thoroughly. Clean hands work the best!
4. Form the mixture into a loaf and put it on a broiler pan.
5. Spread about 1/3 of the sauce on top. Bake for 45 minutes at 350. Spread an additional 1/3 of the sauce on top and bake 15 more minutes. Save the last 1/3 for dipping after the meatloaf is done.
6. Serve! It is delicious with something cheesy on the side or classic mashed potatoes too!