Saturday, November 24, 2012

the one with a lot about nothing


It's kind of been a month of nothing going the way I really meant for it to go.

We haven't been regular church attenders because it takes so much right now for me to get the three of us out the door at once and on time for something and it's kind of a 50/50 chance that S is going to actually stay in children's church (through no fault whatsoever to that amazing program, it's all in how clingy he feels that day).

The certainty of my scheduled c-section is wavering with my blood pressure creeping up (really, soaring one day, but thankfully having settled at higher than it was a few weeks ago but within the acceptable range) and my maybe irrational desire to have a little December baby feeling a bit silly but still strong. Trying to plan out holiday events and visiting family coming in from out of state with a seriously brand new baby and learning how to be a mama of two.

Deciding to make Thanksgiving plans that were the best for my family and my health and the baby's health and experiencing ridiculous backlash from that. I am torn on how to handle Christmas since it is more clear than it ever has been that I cannot do anything right where certain family members are concerned and maybe I'm just tired of trying and still feeling miserable. But if I can avoid causing a rift that will take years to bridge again, maybe I should even if no one ever acknowledges it.

My house is way messier than I'd like it to be.

But! My husband is ridiculously fantastic. I really love that guy and the ways he takes care of me. I never feel like he's handling me. I feel like he just lets me be me and loves me because of it, and not in spite of it. Let me tell you, for a long time I thought no one like that existed out there. But here I am with him and he married me.

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