the one where I just ugh

Once I was feeling really overwhelmed in this whole motherhood thing so I called a seasoned mama. I wanted to meet with her and tell her how I was not always the kind and patient mom I wanted to be and was floundering with two kids. I thought I could get an encouraging word or a funny story from when her kids were as young as mine are. We met but she was late and was distracted and just said the words, "you'll be fine" after I admitted that I felt like a failure. And that was that. I'm still floundering, probably as all moms do from time to time. I adore my children and my husband. I also love nursing school and that I get to be a nurse when I'm done. There isn't enough time to do perfectly well with both so I'm constantly wishing for more study time or more patience and kindness with my guys. 

And there's tonight. I hurt my back on Friday and today was the first day I didn't literally need painkillers to move. I took care of a bunch of little things (child care paperwork, new clothes for one child, a new car seat for another child, laundry, blah, blah, blah) but got to the end of the day feeling like nothing is done. No studying. No cooking ahead. No just sitting and playing with the boys. S is three years old and stubborn and smart and I yelled at him because he wouldn't go to the bathroom before bed. He cried and wanted to wait for Daddy to put him to bed. He's asleep now, as his A, and now I'm the one crying. 

I want to be doing something, maybe just one thing, that I do really well and feel confident in too. I have more good moments than bad at mothering and being a nursing student. I think. If I could get a handle on losing weight or organizing the house, that might help. I need help and I'm embarassed to ask because it seems like everything is such a huge mess that I should get it together a little before asking someone to join me. 

So, you know, bright and cheery.