the one where i'm lonely

I read this really lovely piece about being in the valley. About being a mama that reads blogs and news articles and Facebook and Twitter and longs to participate in conversations but feeling woefully unqualified to speak up. That's where I am right now. I see pictures of friends of mine hanging out together and seeing people going on vacations and reading news stories that I care about and want to mention but not having the time to investigate more and have a well informed opinion so I just stay quiet. I'm jealous. I am on the outside looking in.

And for good reason, these two little boys that I've been entrusted with need me to pay more attention to them than to most everything else right now. It's a season I'm in. I won't always be wiping multiple butts at home all day and repeating myself five thousand times or carrying one child while the other tries to climb up my legs. My house won't always be so messy I'm terribly embarrassed to even ask for help in tackling projects. I will miss little feet running down the hallway making as much noise as they can possibly make and little arms raised in the air waiting to be picked up.

I know all of this.

But it's still hard to be in this spot sometimes. I miss sleep. I miss having lengthy conversations with my husband. I miss having something to talk about that doesn't have to do with my children. My biggest interaction with people outside of my house is usually church and we haven't been in a month. First the house flooded and we were overwhelmed with trying to quickly clean it up before mold could really set in. And then everyone (except K) has been sick.

So many people have such bigger problems than this. I recently read that all our loneliness is only an illusion. I think it's true, but only if you speak up so you can hear that someone else has been in your shoes. Or is in your shoes. Or just wants you to put your shoes on so you can go for a walk with them for a minute and not be sitting in the same old lonely spot.

I'll be studying for an entrance exam to nursing school and applying for scholarships and financial aid soon. That will all be very good. And at some point, the pinkeye and the colds and the coughing and the scarlet fever all have to go away, right?

the one where i take it way back yo

I've had various blogs for a very long time. I used to write lengthy posts on a near daily basis and I was so angsty and definitely an over-sharer. It's weird because now, I have basically zero time to write and I'm much more mature in my need to tell everyone everything running through my head and the stories I have to share are so very much more interesting. I really do think if I wrote a fictionalized version of various time periods and situations from my life in the past six or so years, it could be a best seller. So tonight since both my boys are asleep and my guy isn't home from work yet, since I've showered, since I've looked at my messy living room and decided I just can't deal with it tonight, I'm going to ramble out some thoughts until I get interrupted. Just like I used to, once upon a time.

It's Mother's Day tomorrow. I'm so grateful to have a mom that I get to celebrate with. The older I get and the more people I meet, it seems the rarer it becomes for people my age to have moms they get to celebrate things with for a huge variety of reasons. My mom and I have not always gotten along and still misunderstand each other sometimes, but we love each other and I am so glad I get to share my journey as a mom with her. K asked me what I wanted and I said I just really want to sleep in. Or take a long nap. And I really mean it. He actually has to work so because I have a policy of not catering to crazy on my Mother's Day, me and the boys are going to my parents house where we will eat ridiculously good food and laugh and I will leave with two over tired boys.

Incidently, I hate that spending time on Facebook and Twitter has made me have to carefully re-read my sentences to make sure I actually used the right to/too/two and whatever else. I need to get back into reading well written books more than I read anything else.

K and I got to go to this celebration of the Mayor of San Antonio's mother on Friday night. She really is an incredible lady and deserving of such a celebration. But the reason we got to go is because there was a mural unveiling in her honor that will be at a restaurant downtown (Pico De Gallo) and the artist is actually K's uncle. It was a building dedication for part of the new San Antonio Texas A&M campus too and there were a lot of important people there. I got a new dress and I got K a new shirt and tie and we took time and care getting ready and it was our first real date since A was born four months ago and it was so lovely! It was an art show where I actually knew the artist (he asked me how the boys were doing which proves that somehow I think), I got to shake hands with a congressman as we entered, there was really delicious food (I couldn't have picked a better spread, honestly), there was alcohol, and I was with my husband. Before we even left the house, I decided I was going to have an excellent night. I wasn't going to worry about what I looked like because I was excited about my dress and my husband told me I was gorgeous and I decided to just believe him. I decided to not worry about things said or unsaid by any of my in-laws. I decided that my parents could handle it if A literally cried the entire time he was at their house. And I decided that I deserved a few hours to just enjoy K again, just the two of us. So when we walked into the building and I saw Joaquin Castro, I walked right up to him, shook his hand, and said, "Nice to see you, Congressman." It was such a great night! I am such a nerd at heart and something I truly enjoy is hearing a good speech, especially live. Julian Castro can give an excellent speech, and I was right there in the room. It was during his speech, but technically the mayor and a former speaker at the Democratic National Convention thanked me for all the hard work I do as a mom. I'm going to go ahead and take that and keep it in my pocket.

Especially because last night, after I fed my hungry hungry baby for the third time (as he adamantly refused to take a bottle) and finally fell asleep, my three year old woke up crying so hard it took at least half an hour for me to understand what he wanted and then about another half an hour to get him calm and back in bed and quiet. And then it took another hour to get my baby back to sleep because he was so happy everyone was awake that he just wanted to play. I love being a mom. It is hard work, but it's good work. But three years in, one of the absolute hardest things and something I have not improved at much is being startled awake and having to immediately take care of someone and also have grace and patience in that moment.

I am so very tired. I really severely miss sleeping. It's getting better. I think A will calm down again in a little bit and sleep in bigger chunks at night again. I'm just so very tired. I'm blessed and I love my family fiercely. Being a mom of a little and an itty bitty is no joke. A good night's sleep changes your world. I'll get to experience that again. Soon, I hope. When people ask if we're going to have another baby because we have two boys and maybe we'd like to try to have a girl, I just think about doing this again and I want to cry. I don't think I can sign up for it again. I love my two boys and it doesn't bother me in the least that I don't have a daughter. S farted tonight and immediately said, "Don't worry, Mommy, my butt is just making noises again." and I laughed heartily and was grateful there will probably always be fart discussions and jokes in my house. I think I was made to be a mom of two boys. These two boys. Also, hand on a Bible, I don't think I can handle going through year three more than twice. S is a freaking tornado.

I painted my nails for the thing on Friday and having purple nails makes everything more fun. Changing diapers is more glamorous with purple nails. Making dinner is more interesting with purple nails. Typing is more fun with purple nails. There's a really good coupon for nail polish right now so I might have to go back and pick up a few more colors and take some time every once in awhile to paint my nails. I think I also need to take some time and either get a really good short hair cut that's easy to style or set up some lessons with someone on how to do my hair up and cute. I always do the same thing. I put my hair in a ponytail and then smush it up against my head and bobby pin the crap out of it. It's messy and curly and I get a bunch of compliments but it's really simple and unelegant and uninspired. I'm glad I don't have to worry about teaching S and A how to do their hair for special occassions. I suspect that kind of talk will mostly center around making sure they shower on a regular basis. There was an episode of Parenthood last season where the dad told his pre-teen son to make sure to wash his pits, his butt, and his balls every day. That seems simple enough to remember and pass on.

And on that note, I'm going to see if we have any beer in the fridge. I don't know if I'm going to drink any, but I like to think about it sometimes. I'm so glad I've been able to breastfeed A and it's been going like gangbusters, but I think I've just got about another month in me. I'd like to feel like my whole body belongs to me again. Between the pregnancy and the breastfeeding, it's been a long time. I also miss drinking sometimes. For awhile, K and I would get in bed with a beer and share it as we talked about our days. I miss that. I think I just miss that whole scenario though. The opportunity to talk for awhile in bed without worrying about waking anyone up or getting enough sleep myself. We'll get back there.

So there you have it, a hearty ramble, old school Melissa style.

newsletter: month 3

Dear Asher,

Three months and I feel like we are really getting to know each other. It's tricky how this whole motherhood thing works. I carried you for nine months and felt like I did a lot to actually take care of you before you joined us on the outside. But, I still had introduce myself to you when you were born. At first, it's all about eating and sleeping. Now you're more alert and interested in what's going on around you and I know you know me, Daddy, and Samson. There are a few other people in our lives that you also know and always have huge smiles for too. I'm so glad to get to see better and better pieces of who you really are!

Your name means happy and blessed and we 100% got that right for you. You smile with your whole body and often. You have an open mouth grin that is infectious and completely adorable. You are exclusively breastfed and have been spitting up A LOT. One of the questions that I've been asked several times is if you are in any apparent discomfort. That's the thing. You spit up so much that I have to change your clothes because they are just completely wet and then you grin at me.

That's not to say you don't cry. Sometimes I just have to hold you and talk softly in your ear while you cry because I'm not sure how to fix the problem. I know when you're tired at the end of the day, you need me to take you to the back of our house where it's dark and calm so you can finish winding down. I know that even a five minute bath with water I meant to be warmer will thoroughly soothe you. I know you like me to hold you close and jostle you a little when you're upset. I know you don't cry to just cry. There's some sort of an issue making you uncomfortable and I do my best to work fast and fix it for you.

You are my second born which means you'll get your fair share of hand me downs from your older brother. I'm making sure to get clothes that are new to you as well but some of the clothes I had for Samson are so freaking cute that I'm dressing you in them too. But you are going through them much faster than he did! The two of you have very different body types. We've already been given clothes for you that are based on your brother's interests and I want to do my best to always treat the two of you as complete individuals. Hopefully you'll grow up with feeling any pressure to like the things he does.

I am happy and blessed for having you in my life, Asher. I've officially known you for three months now and I'll never be the same person I was before you were born. I love you very much!

Love,
Mama

newsletter: month 1

Dear Asher,

You are one month old today! It has been a wild and crazy time and I've wanted to sit down and really write for awhile now and am finally just carving out some time to do it. I have a lot to tell you about!

First of all, your name, sweet baby. Asher Gerald. Daddy and I waited until we found out you were a boy to start talking about names for you. I was very particular about what I wanted and Daddy was amused enough by my list of requirements to just let me try to make it happen. I wanted another Old Testament name (to go with Samson) but I didn't want it to sound like we were trying to raise an army. I didn't want it to start with the letter "S" or end with the "on" sound. I wanted it to be slightly uncommon but not so unique no one would remember it or be afraid to try to say it. I wanted it to be strong and solid so someday when all someone knows of you is on your resume, they still take you seriously. I found a list of Old Testament boy names someplace and "Asher" was on it and I loved it right away! It means happy and blessed. Daddy liked it alright and really liked the meaning. We stayed open to the possibility of another name that we liked popping up, but I really felt like it was your name right away.

At your first growth ultrasound, Dr. Schwope told us there was some mild concern about the placement of the umbilical cord because it wasn't exactly centered. She said we would just need to monitor you a little bit to make sure you were getting all the nutrients you needed. Then at your next growth ultrasound, when the baby is typically around one pound, the estimate of what you weighed was FOUR pounds. I figured you were pretty happy and blessed in there! Daddy said he thought God was honoring our name choice for you. And I told that story once to some friends at dinner but we kept your name basically a secret until the day you were born.

Gerald comes from my great-grandfather. He was my mom's dad's dad and he only just died this past summer. I have so many memories of him, from when I was just a little kid to introducing Daddy to him. He lived a tremendous life and was active until just months before he finally had to give in to COPD. I hope that when I get old, I get old like Granddaddy Hicks. I hope to hone my gardening skills to get close to his talents and know that Daddy will take you and your brother fishing. When he died this summer, both Daddy and I were surprised by how hard it hit us. We thought the best way to honor him and the relationships we had with him was to name our son after him. I know he'd be tickled about that and would have proudly told anyone who would listen that your middle name was his first name.

You were 10 lbs 13 oz and 22 inches tall at birth and born at 39 weeks. Through all the ultrasounds, I caught one glimpse of your handsome little face because all the other times you covered it with your hands or feet or sometimes both! It was very fitting that one of the very first pictures taken of you after being born you put your hand up on your face. I'll write about how you were born and our hospital stay at another time, but suffice it to say, it seems like I can't really do anything without ending up with a good story to tell after it's all done.

Something I absolutely love about you is that despite you being bigger than the average newborn, you curl up like a little roly poly baby when I pick you up and put you on my shoulder. You are so snuggly! I love holding you and breathing your baby smell in deep. You have a decent amount of the softest hair I've ever touched in my life. It's kind of dark brown right now and your eyes are mostly blue. I don't know that either is going to stay that color, but I can't wait to find out! You have chubby and velvety soft cheeks and are a long baby. Your torso, your legs, your fingers, your neck, everything is long. Your baby pictures look remarkably similar to my baby pictures, but at the same time I know you definitely have Daddy's chin. It's only been a month and you've already grown from fresh new baby into a handsome baby boy. Your hair might end up dark like Daddy's or lighter than mine, it might be straight or curly or somewhere inbetween. You might tower over us when you're done growing or you might just be the same height as me. You might use those long fingers to fill out a baseball glove or palm a basketball or play the guitar or write. Whatever you look like and whatever innate talents you have and skills you develop, I will always be ridiculously crazy about you.

 

You have an older brother, Samson, who is completely crazy about you. He just calls you "Baby" and talks to you when you cry and is very concerned when he doesn't know where you are. He likes to put too many blankets on you and runs to get a pacifier. He is excited to teach you how to play trains and trucks when you get older. You are very little to be smiling at people on purpose, but I saw you smile at Samson as he talked to you the other day and I really think it was genuine. I am excited and daunted to be raising brothers. I hope you two will be very good friends more often than the times that you annoy each other. I hope Samson always runs to find something to comfort you when you're upset and that you always smile at him even when it seems impossible. 

I will scoop you up in just a minute and kiss your head, just because I can. I'll wish for a little bit more sleep but be thrilled that you're my son and I'm your mama. I love you, Asher. Here's to your first month!

Love, Mama

the one about water breaking

One of my very sweet friends came by today and told me about when her water broke. It was the middle of the night and she woke up but thought she must have just peed herself. When her water broke, it wasn't a big gush, it was a steady trickle. She told her husband and he asked what they should do. She said they had a doctor's appointment in the morning anyway so they should just wait and see what he said. They went back to sleep. She sat on a towel in the waiting room because she was still kind of leaking and her doctor told her to go to the hospital immediately. I thought this whole story was hysterical!

I was induced with S, and my water broke on its own while I was in the hospital. It was a pretty good sudden gush but I thought maybe my catheter had fallen out somehow. That got a good laugh from the nurse who checked on me. By the way, that catheter was one of my very favorite things about being admitted to the hospital. I was so relieved when I got it and I didn't have to disconnect myself from my blood pressure cuff and gather up my IV and waddle over to the bathroom. And after I gave birth, I felt like I lost 10 pounds by peeing alone but it was all with the catheter and it was glorious to not have to do anything.

Just thinking about labor and delivery types kind of things! And hoping my water doesn't break or contractions start or anything else along those lines this weekend. Back to hoping I make it to Tuesday with my next appointment and then it'll be hoping for Thursday for my c-section!

the one with the revelation

I have just a few things left to do before I will feel like I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be to have this baby. Move the bassinet into my room, clean out my car and put the carrier car seat base in the backseat all ready to go, pack my hospital bag, and pack as much of S's bag as I can ahead of time. After that, I'll work on doing things like mopping and other things to make the house a bit more presentable in case people want to visit us right away.

My dad is going to pick up K on Wednesday to get the tv they are passing down to us (I love it when my parents upgrade electronics--they very often give the old ones to us or give us a very good deal on buying from them!) and then come to our house and put the crib back together and assemble the dresser we have for Baby C-2. I had kind of a meltdown yesterday that is embarrassing in hindsight but still managed to create a good outcome so two of the biggest things I was worried about making happen are actually done now (the futon is in the living room and the closet by our front door is cleared out). Clothes are sorted. Going home outfit has been selected. We have diapers and wipes. It's going to be okay.

I'm really excited that I made it to December! There was no big reason I wanted to other than it's the month of my due date. Nothing has really gone the way I was hoping it would for the duration of this pregnancy but it's all been okay anyway. Regardless of what day this little guy is born, it'll be an extra cool date since he has 12 and 12 as bookends. My next appointment is Tuesday and I'll have a non-stress test and a growth ultrasound which will help my OB tell me if we're going to make it to the scheduled c-section date of 12/13 or if we'll be meeting him a bit sooner. I'm still hoping for 12/13. It seems very close and just incredibly far away all at the same time!

My meltdown revelation yesterday was that I need to speak up a LOT more than I usually do. I am thoroughly exhausted right now and don't anticipate that changing for about six weeks at this point (at least anyway). And you know what? There is not a single person around me that has a problem telling me what they need or what they want and doing fairly well at making it happen for themselves. It's time for me to stop being the only one standing around wishing things were a bit different. I'm not planning on being purely selfish from here on out. I have a friend who is a really good host and is also amazing at kicking you out when she's done without being a jerk. That's what I'm aiming for.

I am determined that it is okay for me to disappoint people by staying home if that's what is best for my health and/or my new little guy's health. They will either understand or they won't. But I don't get two chances to recover from surgery right the first time. I also will be breastfeeding again and am hoping super hard it goes much more smoothly this time than it did with S and I need to focus on that unabashedly especially during the first couple of weeks so we can have a solid foundation.

K and I will be able to figure this out as we go. I'm not very worried about being able to speak up better because when it's for my kids, it's much easier. Hopefully that will spill over into the rest of my life and I won't fall into being "Baby C-2's Mom" and not Melissa for the first year like I did with S.

This is going to be a good month.

Hopefully I can turn my a/c back off soon!

the one where i talk about my boy

My mom referred to me as her velcro child for at least the first four years of my life because when she tried to drop me off anywhere, I would attach myself to her leg in an effort to not have to stay. I was painfully shy even after I gave up attaching myself to her and still spend a lot of my time around people being fairly quiet. I like to assess the situation before jumping in. I'm definitely an introvert and I can spend time in large groups, even speak in front of large audiences, and I enjoy getting to know new people but then I need some recovery time spent all by myself. As I've gotten older and added things to my life like a husband and a child, I've been able to shorten the time I need and sneak it in during things like slightly longer showers or by concentrating on cooking something fantastic or even losing myself in a song while driving.

I don't think my husband has ever met a stranger. He thrives on meeting new people, on spending time in crowds, and loves parties. Everywhere we go, it is almost certain someone will ask him if they know him from somewhere and they usually do. When we go to any kind of gathering together, I have to tell him at least 45 minutes before I really want to leave that it's time to get going because it takes that much time for him to go around and say by to everyone.

S is a fantastic combination of our looks and our personalities. He has some traits that are distinctly similar to me and just as many like K. And there are things that are kind of a combination. For example, the kid gets free stuff all the time. Even before he was born, he got clothes and baby gear (for which we are so incredibly thankful!). It is not uncommon in the least for people to give him stuff when we are out and about. That's why we have five thousand hot wheels. That is definitely like his daddy. He is pretty personable but doesn't immediately go to people he doesn't know well. That is definitely like me.

But all of the sudden, he is very shy and sometimes even hesitates to go immediately to any of his grandparents. Of everyone he knows, that's the set that he knows the most after me and K of course. He will clutch my arm or step behind my legs. He freaks out when we drop him off at church childcare. As much as I would love to find a baby-sitter we can call and have come over to watch S, I am now pretty scared to even try to start that process.

These days, I am just exhausted all the time. I am stressing over the state of my house and the baby's room. K and I came up with what I think is a decent plan today on getting the big stuff taken care of and then tackling the little stuff. I can't get anything done while S is awake because he's into everything trying to help me or just explore newfound treasures like inside of the closet. And when I get him down for a nap, I take one too because I am drained. He usually goes to bed before K comes home from work, but that's kind of a crap shoot lately too. I can focus on things long enough to make a grocery list or a to do list for the next day, but that's about it before I just crawl into bed too.

And this is why I am quietly freaking out about adding another baby to the mix. Tired now has nothing on a brand new newborn. I don't know how long S is going to be in this phase or if this is just how it is from here on out with him.

Just trying to take it a day at a time. And I am beyond grateful that my parents live nearby and can and will take S to their house for a few hours here and there and he has a great time!

the one where i list some great stuff i read this week

I read about a kajillion blogs and articles a week because I can't help it. I have some sort of compulsion leading me to subscribe to tons of stuff on Google Reader and then do my best to clear it out at least by the weekend. I'm going to start sharing some of my favorites so maybe others can enjoy them as well! Here they are in no particular order:

Smooth Me Out, Soften Me Up. from Nish Happens
I identified a lot with this entry and feel like I could be friends with this woman. Or maybe I am a slightly different version of this woman. It's nice to see someone else have courage to just be themselves.

Losing My Sh*t at Disneyland by Elizabeth Esther
I judge people a lot, even when I don't mean to or think I've gotten past that. I think we all do. I think we should all take a step back and not worry about others so much.

God and Our Political Platforms by Rachel Held Evans
I watched a decent amount of each convention and I ultimately agreed with the speeches more from one convention, but I loved this little article about God not being a flag pin we can stick on anything. I think everyone needs to vote because it's important, but I also don't think God is a Republican or a Democrat. He's bigger than that. So, vote and then pray for whoever is elected because it's a big job. And let's honor God with our lives rather than thinking voting is going to do it for us.

From MomHeart.org Entertaining Angels by Stacy Buck
I actually edited this for Stacy. When I edit, I read through once just to get the gist of the piece. Then I go back through and correct any grammatical errors I see. Then I go through a third time and polish it all up. I teared up through each reading. If we each spent one day a month or so asking everyone we met, "What is your greatest need?" and then doing our best to meet it, I can't even picture what the results would be. It shouldn't take a hurricane for us to think about what we can do for others.

Has the new Baby Flipped Your House Upside Down? by Time Warp Wife
Obviously this is timely for me since I'm expecting to have my house flipped upside-down in about 14 weeks. The other day I got really freaked out about this and had to just tell myself to stop and table it until it was actually here because I have no idea what it's actually going to be like and there's no sense in getting myself worked up over it right now. But I loved that this article emphasized there is a time for everything, to embrace and to refrain from embracing. So, I will do my best. And I will put my first focus on making sure my two babies and my husband know they are loved from here to the moon and back and get to the cleaning when I can. It'll fall into place.

Free But Not Cheap by Ask Moxie
This is definitely worth the read if you are a mom, and especially if you are a mom of toddlers or younger. She talks about looking at the role of motherhood being a relationship rather than a job and what that means and I have to tell you, weight was lifted off my shoulders. I will be writing an entire blog post about this very soon because I had a very nice gentleman compliment me on S and say he wished his sons and grandsons were still that age as I was fighting back tears because S was wreaking havoc in Starbucks. I'm not kidding. Or exaggerating. When I focus on all the jobs of motherhood I have, the diapers and the potty training and the trying to get a variety of foods in his little tummy and the five thousand messes every day, I just cry. I feel more than inadequate. But when I focus on the hugs and kisses and watching his personality unfold and talking back and forth and the way he runs up and kisses my legs and runs off again, motherhood is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm thankful I'm not the only one who feels this way and that someone else articulated something that has bubbled up inside of me.

What have you read that you think I should also read? Let me know what you think if you check any of these ones out!

the one where i talk about my parenting style

So we're in the middle of potty training S and it is a ginormous pain in the ass.

He is super excited to flush the toilet, talk about his penis and who else has one, and he loves his Thomas the Train and Toy Story underwear. But he will pee but not poop in the toilet. The Cars Pull-Ups that he also is super stoked to wear are different than diapers in that for some reason if he poops and it's not noticed immediately, he gets a rash on his little butt and he gets so busy playing that he doesn't want to take the time to let me clean him up and get him new Cars. So, diapers for nap time and overnight right now is what is absolutely necessary. It will all come together, and hopefully sooner rather than later so this mama only has to have one boy in diapers at a time.

I don't really know what I'm doing. That's my parenting style summed up in one sentence. I just love this kid a lot and do my best to be patient with him and myself. I get overwhelmed by the instructional mommyblogs. I like the ones that cuss and share pictures of crazy hair that lasted all day long.

Anyway, last night, S was freaking out because he didn't want to wear a diaper. He wanted to wear Cars or Tommy Choo-Choo or Buzz. I offered the compromise of wearing some too big underwear on top of his diaper. He couldn't decide between three different pairs. I suggested he ask Daddy for help deciding. And somehow, this turned into my son wearing one pair over his diaper, one pair over his pajama pants, and one pair over his head.

He was ridiculously happy. I was just tired. And he went to bed without any more fuss and took the pair off his head before getting in his bed.

So, I don't really know what I'm doing. I think a mom who was better organized and energized would have a way to have had her kiddo already potty trained by now, had a way for him to not wear a diaper at night, or been able to figure out a way to make wearing a diaper cool because it was just for night time. But I am exhausted. At the end of the night, I just need S to get in bed so I can get in bed. A happy kid is so much easier to get into his room than a kid who is upset.

Tonight I gave him a bath and he freaked out because he wanted to wear his shoes in the tub and I said no. But then I looked at the shoes (fake baby crocs) and realized they were super dirty and I didn't honestly care if he took a bath with those shoes on. So I told him I needed to wash them first and he was super excited. He wore his shoes in the tub, got his hair washed, his little body scrubbed down, and played until the bubbles all dissipated. Next bath time, I'll make sure to draw the bath, strip him down outside of the bathroom, and carry him in naked. He's still kind of easily distracted. Tonight he ran and got the shoes while I was getting the tub ready.

But again, I don't know if that was a smart thing to do or just lazy. I don't want to set these precedents where S just gets what he wants all the time. But right now, I just can't emphasize enough how tired I am. It is still ridiculously hot and I feel like I am getting bigger by the hour with this second baby.

I'm not super worried about this. I will admit that I am actively not thinking about how to handle any of this with two kids because it really freaks me out. Hopefully by the time the second one is two, I will have much more energy and direction. Or something.

the one where my son tells me about his day

I have talked to S all day every day since he was born. Partly because I know it's good for him to hear as big of a vocabulary as possible and partly because it helps me remember I kind of have a plan. Kind of anyway. But he's two and a half and he talks to me all day long now too and I love it! At the end of the day, as part of our bedtime routine, I sit in an easy chair in his room and he sits on my lap and we pray together and he tells me about his day.

So tonight, I prayed for him and then I asked him how his day was. He told me he had the hiccups (he did), and he told me everyone he played with today. Then he said, "Daddy has a penis. Sa-son has a penis." and kissed me on the cheek and hopped down to get in bed.

I really like being a mom. You never know what is going to happen next!