newsletter month 7

Dear Asher,

Happy seven months!

When Samson was six months old, we got a family picture. We decided to do the same thing with you. Between various viruses and whatnot and Daddy's work schedule, we almost made it. We got family pictures the day you were officially seven months old! I'm so glad to have an official portrait of us as a family of four. It feels like we've been the four of us for ages and ages even though it's really just been under a year.

You are sitting up on your own and quite content to sit on the floor with toys nearby. I love this! You are still a very snuggly little guy but it is so nice to let you sit and play. Your brother is sometimes very into playing with you and sometimes very annoyed that you are interested in his toys. I suspect this is how things will be for quite some time to come. You, however, simply adore him at all times. If he comes up with it, you think it's a good idea.

We checked you into Kid City for the first time at church! You didn't object and by the time we picked you up, all the volunteers in your room had fallen in love with you. Asher, your smile is just amazing. You are such a happy little baby and you have a way of making everyone around you a little happier, even if just for a few minutes. I hope this never changes. And I hope it's never a burden to you. Let your joyful heart shine through without regard to how others feel about it.

Despite your default happiness, you are a very expressive little guy. You hate the flash on the camera and we've managed to accidentally capture hysterical grumpiness from you. I think you're going to have a lot to say and expressions to match all of it!

You got to go swimming in Grandma and Papa's pool for the first time this past month, too! I covered you in sunscreen, insisted you wear a hat, put you in one of their life preserver suits, and you got to sit in a floaty whale and you completely loved it all. You splashed heartily, you loved zooming from person to person, and then you laid your little head back on the headrest of that whale and chilled like it was your job. I think if it had been a little quieter, you would have happily taken a nap right there, floating in the pool. I also started putting Samson in the tub first and getting his hair washed, and then putting you in the tub with him. You both love this. You will start flapping your arms as I lower you down into the water and splash and splash until I take you out again.

   

You are always on the move and interested in everything going on around you. You won't stay still, even for a diaper change or for a quick face wipe. And lately, I've even had to tuck your arms in and rock you to sleep because even when you can barely keep your eyes open, you don't want to miss what's going on around you. I feel a little like that sometimes with you. Every time I pick you up, you seem a little bit bigger, a little bit more confident in holding your own. I'm so excited to see you grow up and get to talk to you and hear what you have to say. But these moments with your skin like butter and you cuddling into my shoulder and you wanting me to hold you close and sing to you, they can't go slowly enough for me to properly memorize them all. After I give you a bath and then feed you and you smell like clean baby with milky breath, it's just magic. You're big for your age, you're determined, you're curious, and you are already personable. But, remember to just be your age. Just be where you are sometimes. Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you miss the right here and right now. It'll never be just like this again.

Seven months! I'm so excited to see what this month brings. I love you, sunshine.

Love,
Mama

newsletter: month four

Dear Asher,

You are my Sunshine Bear. You have a particular smile that is so big and wide that it just seems like sunshine is going to come pouring out of your mouth at any moment! You have a lot of little smiles too, but that sunshine one is killer. Daddy and I were talking the other day about how we might be in trouble if you find out how fantastic it is. As a teenager, I hope you don't ever think it's going to get you out of facing consequences with us!

Four months old and just about to go into size 9-12 month clothes. You have so many rolls and crevices that I actually talked to a few people about the best way to keep your skin from getting irritated! I'm still exclusively breast feeding you and I know it's not just me, but I can't help but look at you with all your chubby cuteness and how much you've grown since you were born and feel strangely proud that I've had such a hand in supporting it! I will try not to take credit for things you do, but I'm confident I will always look at you with a little awe that you came from me and Daddy.

You are a bit impatient with the whole part where you're a baby and not mobile just yet. You see your brother and your cousins running (or crawling) around and I can tell you're just DYING to get on the floor and keep up with everyone! You are strong and a little stubborn and very determined. It is not going to surprise me in the least to see you crawling soon. But for now, sweet baby, let me hold you close. There is so much time for you to run and tumble and scrape knees and jump off of too high pieces of furniture. FYI, I will always kiss you too many times on those luscious cheeks of yours. Always, even if I have to make you bend down so I can reach your face. 

We have had a bit of a heavy month with job upheaval and decision making that will impact the four of us for quite awhile. One thing that I was a little surprised by was how solidly I think of us as a family of four. I'm sure it's cliche or a little silly to say that I can't believe how much love flows in our house. In the midst of uncertainty about various things little babies never have to even think about, much less worry, our little unit of four is solid. Your brother is completely crazy about you, your dad and I are more in love now than ever before, and you are just so thoroughly loved. My goals for you and Samson are for you to each be God seekers who are healthy and productive members of society. I hope happiness falls in there too. But even more than that, may you always feel this much love in your life. The way you smile at each of us when we walk back into your vision line is amazing and it's not a smile you share with the world at large.

You are so happy and such a blessing. God really honored our name choice for you, Asher. I love you so much my heart has to grow a little each day to try to contain it all.

Happy four months!
Love, Mama

newsletter: month 3

Dear Asher,

Three months and I feel like we are really getting to know each other. It's tricky how this whole motherhood thing works. I carried you for nine months and felt like I did a lot to actually take care of you before you joined us on the outside. But, I still had introduce myself to you when you were born. At first, it's all about eating and sleeping. Now you're more alert and interested in what's going on around you and I know you know me, Daddy, and Samson. There are a few other people in our lives that you also know and always have huge smiles for too. I'm so glad to get to see better and better pieces of who you really are!

Your name means happy and blessed and we 100% got that right for you. You smile with your whole body and often. You have an open mouth grin that is infectious and completely adorable. You are exclusively breastfed and have been spitting up A LOT. One of the questions that I've been asked several times is if you are in any apparent discomfort. That's the thing. You spit up so much that I have to change your clothes because they are just completely wet and then you grin at me.

That's not to say you don't cry. Sometimes I just have to hold you and talk softly in your ear while you cry because I'm not sure how to fix the problem. I know when you're tired at the end of the day, you need me to take you to the back of our house where it's dark and calm so you can finish winding down. I know that even a five minute bath with water I meant to be warmer will thoroughly soothe you. I know you like me to hold you close and jostle you a little when you're upset. I know you don't cry to just cry. There's some sort of an issue making you uncomfortable and I do my best to work fast and fix it for you.

You are my second born which means you'll get your fair share of hand me downs from your older brother. I'm making sure to get clothes that are new to you as well but some of the clothes I had for Samson are so freaking cute that I'm dressing you in them too. But you are going through them much faster than he did! The two of you have very different body types. We've already been given clothes for you that are based on your brother's interests and I want to do my best to always treat the two of you as complete individuals. Hopefully you'll grow up with feeling any pressure to like the things he does.

I am happy and blessed for having you in my life, Asher. I've officially known you for three months now and I'll never be the same person I was before you were born. I love you very much!

Love,
Mama

newsletter: month 1

Dear Asher,

You are one month old today! It has been a wild and crazy time and I've wanted to sit down and really write for awhile now and am finally just carving out some time to do it. I have a lot to tell you about!

First of all, your name, sweet baby. Asher Gerald. Daddy and I waited until we found out you were a boy to start talking about names for you. I was very particular about what I wanted and Daddy was amused enough by my list of requirements to just let me try to make it happen. I wanted another Old Testament name (to go with Samson) but I didn't want it to sound like we were trying to raise an army. I didn't want it to start with the letter "S" or end with the "on" sound. I wanted it to be slightly uncommon but not so unique no one would remember it or be afraid to try to say it. I wanted it to be strong and solid so someday when all someone knows of you is on your resume, they still take you seriously. I found a list of Old Testament boy names someplace and "Asher" was on it and I loved it right away! It means happy and blessed. Daddy liked it alright and really liked the meaning. We stayed open to the possibility of another name that we liked popping up, but I really felt like it was your name right away.

At your first growth ultrasound, Dr. Schwope told us there was some mild concern about the placement of the umbilical cord because it wasn't exactly centered. She said we would just need to monitor you a little bit to make sure you were getting all the nutrients you needed. Then at your next growth ultrasound, when the baby is typically around one pound, the estimate of what you weighed was FOUR pounds. I figured you were pretty happy and blessed in there! Daddy said he thought God was honoring our name choice for you. And I told that story once to some friends at dinner but we kept your name basically a secret until the day you were born.

Gerald comes from my great-grandfather. He was my mom's dad's dad and he only just died this past summer. I have so many memories of him, from when I was just a little kid to introducing Daddy to him. He lived a tremendous life and was active until just months before he finally had to give in to COPD. I hope that when I get old, I get old like Granddaddy Hicks. I hope to hone my gardening skills to get close to his talents and know that Daddy will take you and your brother fishing. When he died this summer, both Daddy and I were surprised by how hard it hit us. We thought the best way to honor him and the relationships we had with him was to name our son after him. I know he'd be tickled about that and would have proudly told anyone who would listen that your middle name was his first name.

You were 10 lbs 13 oz and 22 inches tall at birth and born at 39 weeks. Through all the ultrasounds, I caught one glimpse of your handsome little face because all the other times you covered it with your hands or feet or sometimes both! It was very fitting that one of the very first pictures taken of you after being born you put your hand up on your face. I'll write about how you were born and our hospital stay at another time, but suffice it to say, it seems like I can't really do anything without ending up with a good story to tell after it's all done.

Something I absolutely love about you is that despite you being bigger than the average newborn, you curl up like a little roly poly baby when I pick you up and put you on my shoulder. You are so snuggly! I love holding you and breathing your baby smell in deep. You have a decent amount of the softest hair I've ever touched in my life. It's kind of dark brown right now and your eyes are mostly blue. I don't know that either is going to stay that color, but I can't wait to find out! You have chubby and velvety soft cheeks and are a long baby. Your torso, your legs, your fingers, your neck, everything is long. Your baby pictures look remarkably similar to my baby pictures, but at the same time I know you definitely have Daddy's chin. It's only been a month and you've already grown from fresh new baby into a handsome baby boy. Your hair might end up dark like Daddy's or lighter than mine, it might be straight or curly or somewhere inbetween. You might tower over us when you're done growing or you might just be the same height as me. You might use those long fingers to fill out a baseball glove or palm a basketball or play the guitar or write. Whatever you look like and whatever innate talents you have and skills you develop, I will always be ridiculously crazy about you.

 

You have an older brother, Samson, who is completely crazy about you. He just calls you "Baby" and talks to you when you cry and is very concerned when he doesn't know where you are. He likes to put too many blankets on you and runs to get a pacifier. He is excited to teach you how to play trains and trucks when you get older. You are very little to be smiling at people on purpose, but I saw you smile at Samson as he talked to you the other day and I really think it was genuine. I am excited and daunted to be raising brothers. I hope you two will be very good friends more often than the times that you annoy each other. I hope Samson always runs to find something to comfort you when you're upset and that you always smile at him even when it seems impossible. 

I will scoop you up in just a minute and kiss your head, just because I can. I'll wish for a little bit more sleep but be thrilled that you're my son and I'm your mama. I love you, Asher. Here's to your first month!

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 18

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are 18 months old! I can't believe it. Sometimes you seem much older and other times it seems like you were an itty bitty guy in my arms and I blinked and now you are climbing on top of the table. Time goes by so differently when you become a parent. You are very aware of it and it zooms past you at the same time. Eighteen months of you right in front of me with lots of good times, giggles, and lessons learned.

You crawl, walk, run, and climb. The climbing part is insane to me. I was a very calm child and from all accounts, so was Daddy. And here you are, climbing on anything and everything you can get a foothold on. When we go to eat at home, I take the tray off the high chair and let you climb up because it's actually faster than me setting you in there. I have to take great care in making sure furniture and some of your sturdier toys are not too close to each other because you will climb up on one thing so you can reach something else to climb up even higher. Climbing up on a chair, to climb up on the table and throw your hands up in jubilee is adorable and terrifying at the same time. My current goal is to avoid any major scars until you can at least talk.

We were at a friend's house, outside on the deck and you were playing on a little bike. All of the sudden you rode down the stairs and I watched in horror as you and the bike tumbled head over heels down those stairs. My heart stopped as I ran to scoop you up, trying not to picture the worst. I was sure there was a broken bone or there would be blood. You snuggled into my neck and I calmed you down while my heart pounded so hard I was sure it was going to fly out of my body. And before I could get myself calmed down, you were upset again because I wouldn't let you immediately get back on that bike. The next day, I was trying to change your diaper on the changing table. You wiggle and crawl away (as much as you can on a little table) and that night was no different. Except when you were on all fours, a hand slipped and your face slammed into the edge of the table. I scooped you up, checked for blood, and went to the freezer for your little Elmo gel pack. By the time I had told Daddy what happened and gotten us settled on the couch, you had stopped crying and wanted down. You cried harder as we took turns holding that gel pack on your face than you did when you actually injured yourself. It was pretty much an instant black eye.

The thing that I love about you and that also terrifies me is it doesn't seem like anything is going to keep you down. You are intent on exploring and playing, on doing what you want to do and getting right back to it whenever you face an obstacle. I admire that trait but I hope so hard it moves from physical injuries to triumphs. And I hope this isn't a glimpse of you as an adrenaline junkie!

You have a few words you use sometimes. I thought I wanted to be called "mama" but once you started saying "Mommy" and it was an intentional word rather than sounds strung together, I started to change my mind. You also say daddy, uh-oh, whoa, mine, and hi. None are all the time but all are adorable. You've started to get the hang of manners and when you hand me something, you say "Come" almost as a whisper. It makes taking half-chewed up mouthfulls of food in my hand a little easier, I have to say. You jabber constantly and for someone who doesn't know English very well, you certainly have a lot of opinions you'd like everyone to know about!

I am delighted by the fact you continue to love music and have kind of discriminating tastes for a toddler. The album Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons might as well be permanently stuck in the car cd player. I really like all the songs, but I am kind of tired of it and will try to sneak in some radio time. You will have nothing of it. Since it's a little easier to concentrate on driving without someone yelling at the top of their lungs in the back seat, I usually give in and press play again. You especially like tracks 2-4 ("The Cave", "Winter Winds", and "Roll Away Your Stone") which luckily have become my favorites as well. Sometimes I'm not really paying attention to it and we get all the way to track 7 ("Little Lion Man") which is a song I actually really like but is pretty inappropriate for little ears since it drops the f bomb several times. I think that cussing is sometimes (very very rarely) a really effective way to get your point across and I don't know how to substitute it in this particular song, but we skip it nonetheless. That's a discussion we can have when you're a teenager.

I'm involved in a group at church called Band of Mothers and we meet to pray for our kids and talk about resources to share with moms of kids of all ages. At the last small gathering I was at, we talked a lot about teenagers. It just seems so far away. In some ways, it absolutely is. You are literally over a decade away from becoming a teenager. I'm grateful for the chance to walk alongside some mamas who have kids older than you so I can see what they are going through and also that they survive. There are things Daddy and I are trying to do right now to put in place now so you grow up always knowing that in your life. Family hugs, going to church, socializing with others, reading, listening to a wide variety of music, meeting you on your level as much as we can, and making sure you know we are here for you and will take what you have to say seriously. A lot of it seems abstract right now but then there are times when something we've done for months without it seeming like it means anything adds up into something really cool. For instance, right now you are all about bringing us books to read to you, over and over again. I can't help but think as long as we plod along making the rest of these things intentional and repetitious as best we can, that it will add up into your understanding and it will happen sooner rather than later.

You are a fantastic person, Samson. I am so glad to get to know you and I genuinely have fun spending time with you. I had no idea someone who couldn't really talk could be so funny! I will always do my best to do right by you. One of my biggest hopes is that you always talk this much to me. I want to know what you have to say.

I love you, my little baby man.

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 12

Dear Samson,

Sometimes when I'm at the doctor office or someone I don't know very well asks me what your birthday is, I say March 11 and then correct myself to say it's the 13th. Last year, I was admitted to the hospital on the 11th and you made your way out on the 13th. It was a bit of a long and arduous labor that ultimately ended in an emergency c-section. I remember how everything happened and can definitely retell the story, but I'm not sure how much it actually matters in talking to you.

It was a difficult pregnancy and a difficult labor but none of that was your fault. I don't intend on holding that against you. I'm just so thankful you and I were able to make it through that nine months and also this past year! When I first caught a glimpse of you, I gasped at how gorgeous I thought you were. You were ticked at being out in the open air and the team of doctors and nurses that were waiting for you wasted no time in making sure you were okay. As my team of doctors and nurses were sewing me back up, Daddy and I watched as you were cleaned up and checked out. Daddy got to take pictures and then someone haphazardly put my glasses back on my face and handed you, all nicely bundled and capped, to Daddy and we took our first family picture.

I got to hold you as they wheeled me back to the labor and delivery room where family was waiting to find out if you were a boy or a girl and what your name was. A nurse wrote "Happy Birthday Samson Luciano" on the white board in our room. And Daddy and I held you and marveled at you and each other, and the best adventure of my life started a fresh chapter.

This past year has been the simultaneously best and hardest of my life. I've gone from trying to survive to trying to intentionally parent you, even though you are just now turning one year old. I had no idea I could love like this and no clue that my heart would just grow to try to contain all the love I have for you and the new kind of love I have for your Daddy. For all the sleepless nights (and days), spit up, poop, tears (yours and mine), laundry, and other awkward times, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I was meant to be your Mama and you were meant to be my son. I have absolutely no doubt of this and am so excited to see what kind of toddler, kid, teenager, and adult you will be.

Right now, you are cruising along furniture and I think you're just going to start walking like a pro any day. In the meantime, you seem pretty satisfied by crawling like a maniac. You startle me sometimes with how fast you are! You love to get into any open door (like say the fridge) without warning so you can see what all is inside.

At your birthday party, Daddy and I got to see some of our concentrated efforts pay off. You insisted on opening up each birthday card yourself to see what was inside. Someone asked us how we taught you to do that, convinced it was a trick you learned for the party. But really, it's that we read to you so much that you not only know how books work but you are interested in them. I think you know that you'll be able to read them all by yourself soon enough but if you start trying to operate them now, you might get that ability faster. I am thrilled. I don't expect you to be the smartest kid in your class, but I do expect that you will read. I want you to be hungry for knowledge and know that the best way to find information is to read. I want you to get lost in other worlds and have a bigger vocabulary than other kids your age because you just keep reading. But for now, I just love that one of the few times you'll let me snuggle you is when you're in my lap listening and looking as I read to you.

One of my hopes for you is that you will live up to your name and be a light to those around you. I can say with certainty that you bring light to the faces of those around you now. You are a very strong little guy and I hope that as you grow up, you have more than physical strength. I hope you have strong faith, kindness, emotional stability, and strong ethics. I hope you are a healthy and productive member of society who is a God seeker. I hope I get to see you accomplish big things, in your own life and in the world.

Samson, Daddy and I will be here for you no matter what. You will be able to ask us questions and know we will tell you the truth. You will be able to come to us and tell us difficult things and know we will still love you. You will be able to turn to us in times of happiness and in times of sadness.

You are off to an amazing start! May there be many more birthdays to celebrate and may you be celebrated by as many people as you are this year on your first one. Don't ever doubt that you are significant or that you are loved.

Thanks for making me a Mama, Samson. The best and hardest title I've ever gotten to claim.

I love you.

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 11

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are eleven months old! Daddy and I just got your birthday party invitations and are about to send them out. We had a really good time going through all the pictures we have of you and exclaiming about how small you used to be and what a little boy you look like now. I can hardly believe that are almost a whole year old!

You crack me up at least once a day. You know how to shake your head no but it's not always conversationally appropriate. Sometimes it is though and I'm still not sure how much of that is coincidence and how much is you really understanding and responding. You're very smart though, and you do communicate with me an awful lot for a little baby. But about the laughing. You will shake your head no just before you do something you're not supposed to. Also if you bump into something, you'll often sit back and shake your head no. Sometimes I laugh because you have just burst out with random laughter all by your little self in the middle of the room. Other times it's because you've taken my face in mine and blown me a kiss or the way you smile when you see my hair down. You're completely adorable, even when you're being a huge stinker.

You pull my hair and you steal my glasses right off my face. You spit food right back at me sometimes and you act like we're trying to poison you when we offer and encourage finger foods. Sometimes you will cry like your heart is broken because Daddy picked you up and you wanted me or vice versa. You determindly crawl into the kitchen even though we put up a baby gate and you constantly find pieces of paper to chew on even though we have to dig them out so you stop gagging. I am fascinated by watching you process things and try new ways to get places or how you play with the same toy in a variety of ways. But I'm still going to teach you how to say, "My name is Samson, and I can be a stinker" because it's totally true.

A few times in the past week, you've pulled yourself up on some furniture and then let go and stood all by yourself for a minute or two before sitting down and crawling away. Sometimes if I set you down on the floor, you'll stand unassisted for a little bit and look around deciding where to go. You cruise around the living room like a little pro and I really think you'll be walking before you turn one. When Daddy and I are walking back and forth in the hallway and you're crawling inbetween our feet, I can see you trying to process how to walk like we do. I am excited to see where you want to explore and how you will get there but I'm also a little nervous. You just are not such a baby anymore.

I see glimpses of both me and Daddy in your personality all the time, all mixed in with everything you are just by yourself. I see you lean back and take things in and react only when you really need to just like Daddy does. And I see how you watch me do something and listen to me explain it to you and then insist on doing it your own way anyway just like how I do. My biggest hope is that I can show you that it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to follow someone's example and it's okay to not always know how to do everything by yourself. I love that you are okay in a room of strangers if you can still see me or Daddy in the room with you. You're a huge charmer of strangers when we go out to eat or are running errands. I'm not sure if I have a heartbreaker on my hands or just a very friendly little guy. But I couldn't be happier that I get to just hang around and find out.

Sometimes, especially after a particularly long night, I wish that I had gotten married and had a baby when I was younger. It is a lot harder for me to bounce back after very little sleep! But overall, I'm glad that I'm your mom as a thirty year old. I have a lot more patience than I did five or ten years ago. I have a lot more confidence in myself. I trust myself more. I can see what you need better now than I know I would have been able to five or ten years ago. I'm going to make a hundred million more mistakes and you're going to yell at me and slam the door and be frustrated, but I'm coming at all this parenthood stuff from a good place. I love you like crazy and I always will.You are simply amazing.

Thank you again for making me a mama.

I love you, Samson.

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 9

Dear Samson,

I just laid you down in your crib with my fingers crossed that you'll stay asleep until at least 7 am. First you were asleep on my chest for about an hour and a half because every time I moved, your little eyes would pop open and you'd cry a little bit until I got you calmed back down and asleep. I am certain that some people would criticize the fact that I don't have you cry it out in your crib very often. You're not on a strict schedule and I don't worry very much about things like that. Sometimes when I can't get you to stay asleep in your crib I wonder if I should change things. But then I start to think about how incredibly quickly the past nine months have gone by and I just try to soak everything I can up. Right now, you will cuddle with me and sleep all over me. Right now, I am completely hysterical because I make silly faces and sounds and startle you. Right now, I can kiss you all over your sweet little face without much complaining on your end. I suspect that although I will always want to kiss you all over your sweet little face, it won't really be much longer before you revolt. So, for right now, I'm trying to savor all the times you want just me to hold you until you're relaxed enough to sleep.

Something that is great about being a new parent is getting to experience so many things for the first time again in a way. Daddy and I are so excited to have your first Christmas with you! It's going to be a lot of fun because we think you are just old enough to get the hang of unwrapping paper off of boxes and we know you're going to love the toys we got you. We got to go buy stockings for our whole little family so they'd be ready for Santa to fill on Christmas Eve. Getting ornaments out makes me so excited to see what ornaments we'll be buying for you over the years to mark accomplishments and interests. It's just all so exciting!

You are a little crawling machine who enjoys finding things that no one thought were accessible to play with. You crawl up on all fours unless you want to go really fast and that's when you drop down to an army crawl and swiftly take off, usually down the hallway at our house. You are also pulling yourself up on everything and anything you can and taking a few careful and guided steps along furniture. Sometimes you'll be in the middle of the room and it looks like you're going to just stand up without the aid of anything at all. I kind of think you can, but am glad that you always just drop back down and crawl over to something that has caught your eye. You are only nine months old. There is plenty of time for walking and running later!

I love you like crazy, little man. You are truly a fun little kid and I'm so lucky to be your mama. Here's to month 10 and I suspect the two additional little teeth in that cute mouth of yours!

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 6

Dear Samson,

Time is really flying by, because you are six months old! That means in six months we'll be having a party to celebrate your first birthday! I better start writing down plans now so it doesn't completely sneak up on me.

You, my friend, are completely adorable. I get stopped every single time I go out in public. At least one stranger will tell me how cute you are. You've gotten a little stingy with the smiles for strangers, but I think that's actually really reasonable. People tell me that you should be a little model. Honestly, I don't even know how to go about seeing if that's a possibility. I'm fine if the only pictures we have of you are the ones Daddy and I take. And you can be as stingy with your smiles as you want as long as I still get those little grins.

Six months ago I was terrified I was going to mess something up and you would get taken away or I would get in trouble. Who or under what authority this was going to happen was a moot point. I just wanted to make sure I was doing everything right. You were so new and fragile and I was so tired and sore that somehow I felt immense pressure to make sure everything was just right. Sometimes people would offer to do things and I felt like I couldn't accept it because I had to be able to do everything myself first. I tried to be polite when I declined but now I would like to go and explain that I've relaxed and if anyone ever wants to take the carrier, me and my back will gratefully take the break. But you know, I have to say I'm glad that I was determined to get everything down. I got to practice changing diapers on you when you were newborn and you'd scream your head off but basically stay still. Now, you're much happier but also much wigglier. I promise you, there's nothing to explore on the changing table. You don't have to roll over and reach every single time.

We've got a pretty good groove going. Daddy is working two jobs and you and I hang out at home or run errands. Daddy and I are working on getting the three of us into our own place and that should happen very soon. You're such a little trooper, hanging out with me while I clean or prep for painting or whatever at the new house. And car rides have gotten much better. You can entertain yourself by moving the canopy on your car seat but sometimes you'll cry when the sun gets in your eyes. I feel like this is the first of many many things I set up for you in a specific way on purpose and you stubbornly change only to "get the sun in your eyes" again. We'll see. It's just sometimes I see so much of myself in you I want to apologize profusely. I hope I can teach you how to handle yourself sooner than I figured out how to handle myself.

You sit up by yourself now, you can get up on all fours and then accidentally push yourself backwards when you're reaching for something in front of you, you eat baby food like gangbusters, you can reach for a bottle and kind of guide it to your mouth, you know how books "work" (you look to the right for the next page to appear), you LOVE your Grover doll, and you are the sweetest snuggler I know.

September is an important month for us. It's your half birthday and it's also me and Daddy's wedding anniversary month! We will have been married for one year this Saturday! We didn't get married only because we found out I was pregnant. We loved each other very much and tried to make our wedding as separate of an event from my pregnancy as we could. We decided we wanted all three of us to have the same last name when you were born and September was kind of a cool month to have our anniversary. August is my birth month. September is our wedding anniversary. October is Daddy's birth month. November is Thanksgiving. December is Christmas. January is New Year's. February is Valentine's Day and March is your birth month. When we decided to get married, we had a few goals for ourselves. One near the top was to make sure there was always enough love in our house that you would never feel like you forced us to get married. That wasn't the case at all. I don't know how many other people understand that and it doesn't even matter much. What matters is that you, Daddy, and I all know how it really happened. You have been the best surprise I could have ever thought of and I had no idea I had all of this love in my heart. Even more unexpectedly, I love Daddy more than I ever have and I love him in all kinds of new ways because of you being in our lives.

You burst onto the scene six months ago, Samson, and there's not a day that I am not ridiculously thankful for the pure joy you have brought into my life.

I love you.

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 5

Dear Samson,

Okay, you've been five months old for almost a week. I'm not a total slacker, I've just had some trouble thinking about what I want to tell you about specifically this month. So much has happened and so much is going on! Occasionally someone will ask me if I just want to freeze you where you are right now. I don't. Every time you do something new or something adorable and I think it just can't possibly get better or there's no way there's going to be another thing for me to excitedly tell someone about, there is. I am trying to savor all the moments that I can but you're such a neat little kid that I am looking forward to your future.

For example, this month you got to start eating solids. I don't know why they say "solids" because it's about as pureed as you can get. We started with rice cereal and then after we established you didn't have any problems with it we got to add peas and now we're on green beans. One new food a week so if there's any reactions I know exactly what food to avoid in the future is so boring. It's necessary but I feel a little bad. Luckily you don't actually know that there are a million kinds of food out there and you have no idea what you're missing by not getting to have a little garlic on those green beans. Next week we'll move to the orange vegetables and after that we get to do fruits.

Daddy and I both LOVE to cook and we love to eat, quite frankly. We have grand plans for you, Samson. We want you to grow up eating American, Mexican, Japanese, Thai, Indian, and whatever else kind of food we can think of. We are always experimenting with new recipes and trying new restaurants when we can afford it and thinking of foods you can grow up with that we have regularly in our household. You often sit in the kitchen with me as I cook and I hope that's something we continue for a long time.


This month, Daddy and I got to go to a wedding. It was our first big date night since you were born and we asked Grandma and Papa to babysit months in advance. We got all dressed up and kissed you goodbye and celebrated our friends' new marriage. We had a great time and then were surprised to find you awake when we got home close to midnight! Grandma said she had gone through your bedtime routine and about three quarters of the way through, you looked up at her and realized she wasn't me and that's when she knew you weren't going to sleep. I happily took over the attempts at getting you to sleep and let me tell you my friend, it was a long night. You were exhausted but you were a little mad at us for leaving you behind. After kind of yelling for about an hour, you had yourself wrapped around my arm and finally conked out.

Just last week, Daddy and I went to a party for his step-mom. You actually were asleep when we got home. You woke up pretty early and when I went in to check on you, you actually squealed with happiness to see me. It was adorable! I changed your diaper and got you a bottle and we went to the bedroom where you saw Daddy sleeping and squealed again! I had to wake him up so he could talk to you because you were just so excited to see us both. Someday, like when you're a teenager, and you don't want to hang out with me anymore, I'll remember the little toothless version of you that literally squealed with happiness just to see me in your room.

I love you, Samson. I love being your mom. I'm regularly covered in spit up, have baby food crusted on my hands, change toxic diapers, and am getting toned arms from carrying you everywhere. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because I also get these little grins, big giggles, and nuzzles from you. Having a kid is the hands down hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're my favorite little guy, Daddy is my favorite big guy, and together the three of us are a pretty great little family.

Happy five months!

Love, Mama.

newsletter: month 4

Dear Samson,

Holy crap, so much happened this month that I feel that I need to take notes during this next month so I don't forget to mention anything! There are really truly days that I put you down for a nap and could swear you got bigger by the time I pick you up from the crib again. And that's just the purely physical part of your growth. It's amazing. I feel so blessed to be able to spend so much time with you and witness all of this development. Lately, through a variety of circumstances, your dad and I have met some people that for various reasons aren't around their kids much. I could do it if the situation meant the betterment of our family in some way. But I'm so glad I just get to scoop you up in my arms every day.

You are four months old today. Although I started catching glimpses of your personality from the first time I held you, I think this past month your core has really come out. So far I'd characterize you as about as mellow as your dad for your default but you've got the same stubborn streak I do. Oh Samson, I'm sorry. For you, and for me, really.

One day I was outside cleaning the car. I had the baby monitor in the garage so I could hear you but after you woke up from your nap, Grandma volunteered to play with you so I could finish up outside. After a little bit I could hear you crying. She's pretty good with a crying baby so I stayed outside a bit longer and then I realized the other piece to the monitor was still in your room and you were in the living room and I could hear you crystal clear. I got everything off the driveway and went inside. Grandma was changing your diaper and you were SCREAMING. I talked to you and you immediately calmed down when you heard my voice. But when I picked you up, you started up with the crying again! Grandma said that I used to do the same thing. You got what you wanted, but you had to punish me a bit for getting you so upset in the first place.

I think you're teething, even though you're kind of little for that. But you produce about a ton of drool a day and constantly have your fingers in your mouth. Or a stuffed animal. Or a blanket. Actually, that's your favorite. I really like handing you a blanket or burp cloth because your intense concentration as you carefully maneuver your hands to grab a hold of it and immediately snatch it up to your chest is kind of amazing and completely adorable to watch. I'm curious to see if you stick with the blankets or eventually choose a favorite stuffed animal. In the meantime, Daddy and I are having a good time naming all the animals.

You and I have had a bunch of problems breastfeeding the past couple of weeks and I'm not going to get into all the details because you're a boy and most likely don't care at all about this. We've worked through everything, for the most part, and then yesterday you just went on strike. You just held out for a bottle. All day as I kept trying to get you to nurse and then eventually gave up and got you bottles, I debated whether or not it was such a bad thing. I could just give you formula full-time and then I could eat cheese again. I'm not sure what we're going to do quite yet actually. It's a complicated decision to make. But at the end of the night, you were laying kind of diagonally across my chest. I was rubbing your back and you sleepily looked up at me. I told you I loved you and tomorrow would be a better day and you gave me the sweetest smile of your life. It's so crazy that as a mom I can have a ridiculously rough day trying to take care of you the best I know how and feel like I'm just failing miserable and those feelings of inadequacy can be erased in the split second of your eye contact and smile. Thank you, Samson.

I'm glad I'm your Mama, even when you roll your eyes at me. Here's to the next month and more adventures!

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 3

Dear Samson,

You've been three months old for two days now which means I'm a tiny bit behind. Being a mom is a busy job! You're currently napping, so I figure I've got just enough time to write you about this last month.

We were busy busy busy! A few things happened. I started to trust that you are mellow and flexible enough to handle more time out of the house. We've got feedings down and you are fantastically adaptable to nursing with a cover or having a bottle of breast milk or formula. Well, once I figured out that me cutting out dairy and switching you to soy formula was necessary to curb the projectile spit up incidents anyway. I figured out how to put the stroller in the cab of the truck in a way that got it in AND out easily so we could avoid worrying about sudden Texas rain storms and the stroller being in the bed of the truck. And I gained confidence in my ability to pack a well stocked diaper bag. You and I started spending more time out of the house here and there. We go grocery shopping, visit the library, and go see Daddy at work. Good times, good times. Even more exciting though is that you, me, and Daddy went to California! Before you were even three months old, you'd been on multiple flights. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Grandma came with us too, and we all stayed at Grandmommie's house. You got to meet a LOT of family, go to In-N-Out with me and Daddy repeatedly, walked around in San Francisco all day, met some of my friends, and we even got to go to an almond factory (Grandmommie lives in the almond capital of the world). Mighty Samson is a mighty traveler! I think there were points were I was more fussy about having to get back in the car to go somewhere than you were. It was great fun getting to show you off to so many people and also getting to introduce Daddy to family in California.

You are growing and developing like crazy! You've rolled over on your own three times now and I think you're starting to see how to do it on purpose. You sleep in a crib now. If I hand you a stuffed animal, you will eventually get your arms around it to hug it. You like music, but only the fast stuff. And you smile like crazy. I think me and Daddy get the most smiles out of everyone, but you are generally pretty free with those gorgeous smiles. You've got a little squeal that sometimes accompanies the smile and I think it's kind of a giggle precursor. You coo and grunt and will respond to me talking to you with sounds that make me think you understand everything I'm telling you about. Everything is happening so fast! It's exciting and makes my heart just swell with love and pride. I can't even explain that properly. It's so cliche to say, but you'll understand someday when you're a parent.

Just before we went to California, you had a doctor's appointment that included some vaccinations. I think they are really important and I myself get vaccines when they are available to me. You did okay with the actual shots and didn't have any reactions afterwards but it was still a difficult appointment for me. You're so little and you don't know anything except for what we've shown you. When the nurse came in and got your legs ready for the shots, you just thought it was another nice lady who was going to smile at you and make a big deal about how adorable you are. She did, but she also gave you three shots. She got the first two in lightening fast because it took you a second to realize what was happening. You had such a startled look on your face before you started crying in pain and surprise that it hurt my heart a little bit. I think that's a big part of being a mom that no one can really prepare me for. I have to stand by or hold your hand while you get hurt because it's better for you in the long run.

Here's to future months, Samson. There's so much more to come! And hopefully my letters will get a little less sappy and a little more funny. You give me lots of fodder with your impressive farting and burping skills but I somehow get distracted by everything else when I sit down to write.

I love you. Thank you for causing my heart to grow bigger and bigger each month so it can continue to barely contain all the love I have for you.

Love,
Mama

newsletter: month 2

Dear Samson,

Today, you are two months old! You've been around long enough to make me wonder what I ever did without you but it's been short enough that I wonder how time is going by so incredibly quickly. Everyone always talks about time flying after you have kids, but I thought it took awhile to start doing that. In the past month you've outgrown clothes, gone up a diaper size, and started smiling on purpose. Daddy and I have figured out the best way to get the stroller in and out of our vehicles without cussing too much, how to stock the diaper bag, and how long you can be in your car seat before you start to temporarily lose your mind. It's been a good month!

The smile thing is my favorite though. It starts in your eyes and sometimes it takes a bit of encouragement for it to reach your mouth but when it does, it's amazing every single time. You have a little half smile (you even alternate sides) up to a full on grin complete with nose scrunch. It's adorable. You are adorable. It makes my heart so happy to see you smile! It makes me almost just as happy to see you light up someone else with your gorgeous smile. You're just quite the looker!

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be a lot calmer, more modest, or something when people say you're a cutie. I always gush in agreement! I can't help it, I could stare at you for hours, awake or sleeping. I feel a little bad when someone says you look like me and I agree, like I should be more humble or something. You are a pretty even mix of me and Daddy but it looks like you have my eyes and nose and those are pretty prominent features. We don't look exactly alike so I hope it's not conceited of me to think you're gorgeous.

In the past month, there have been at least two poop incidents that I could have done without. I don't know if it's because you're a boy, or my ineptness at diaper changing, or if other mamas just don't talk about it but it seems like we have lots of incidents that require clothes changes. I don't mind tremendously, but the afternoon I had to figure out how to take apart the car seat to get all the poop cleaned out was a bit of an adventure. Poop is poop no matter how cute the pooper is!

It's already happening isn't it. I'm mortifying you. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I'll probably stop sharing stories about your voiding habits once you're out of diapers.

We have a doctor's appointment on Monday where you will be getting some vaccinnes. I think your doctor is fantastic and I am working on a small list of questions for her. I'm looking forward to seeing how much you weigh and how long you are and where that puts you on the percentile chart. But I am not looking forward to the shots. I might cry harder than you.

The thing about being a mom is that I really do have most of my heart outside of my own body now. We have learned the hard way that you have some sort of milk intolerance and if I eat cheese or drink milk, you spit up like crazy. Regular formula gives you painful gas and we're still sorting that out. It makes me feel awful when you cry and I can't comfort you right away. I don't want you to experience discomfort in any way. It makes me nervous that although right now me and Daddy can often fix what is making you cry fairly easily, we won't always be able to do that. I am enjoying you so much right where you are now. It's all going so fast that I hope I am paying close enough attention!

I love you, Samson. I hope you always know that as well as you know it right now.

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 1

Dear Samson,

Let me tell you, handsome Samson, this last month has been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I wouldn't really trade a single moment of it and that's quite the statement when you're talking about an epidural that stopped working, an emergency c-section, getting peed on, sleep deprivation, and the realization that I now wear my heart outside my body.

I had never been admitted to the hospital before and I guess that somehow translated into a long enough stay and enough procedures to last me quite awhile. I'll just summarize and say that I had an appointment with a perinatologist to monitor your heart rate for a bit and then check on you through ultrasound. My blood pressure was high enough that when the nurse practitioner told me to straight to the hospital, there was more than a tinge of urgency in her voice. Grandma happily drove me and we met the best OB in the planet, Dr. Schwope, right at the hospital. Since you had FINALLY decided to drop head down, we decided to induce me and see what happened instead of doing a c-section straight away. About five hours after that, the first drug to get things going was administered. 43 hours after THAT, you were born via emergency c-section. With every contraction, your heart rate was dropping and because I could hear it and already loved you more than I knew how to say out loud, my heart rate was speeding up. Surgery isn't always an easy fix for something, but this one did us both good.

Your dad sat right next to my head in the operating room as the doctors and nurses did their thing to get you out of my womb and out of distress. When they lifted you out and up and carried you to where the NICU team was waiting for you, I gasped in amazement of how completely gorgeous you were! My first thought was "THAT is the baby I get to take home?!" I knew that as your mother I'd always think you were good looking, but I was astounded by how handsome you were. Chubby cheeks, squirmy, and a cry that wasn't even annoying. Daddy and I watched as the NICU team got you all cleaned up and did the tests they needed to and got you all squared away as a brand new member of society. We discussed your name for one last time to be sure and the team working on me was done putting me back together at the same time your team was done fixing you up.

Someone took a picture of the three of us before we went back to the hospital room and it's something I hate and love. I think I look completely awful but at the same time I look like someone who had just worked really hard at the last task of keeping you healthy before you were born and was transitioning into the next phase of taking care of you. Your dad was adorable in his jumpsuit and mask and I was so grateful that he was right there with me. There's a lot of unknowns ahead of the three of us, but one thing I do know is that you were conceived in love and you'll be raised in love by two people who love each other tremendously.

I got to hold you, all bundled up with your hat on, as they wheeled my bed back into my room. Grandma and Papa and Grandma J were all waiting for us. We got to announce your name to them and the nurses: Samson Luciano. Luciano after your dad and Samson because it's a fantastic name. Samson means of the light and Luciano means light from within. There's strength conveyed just by your name and you're already living up to it. There were so many things that could have gone wrong during my pregnancy and delivery and you over came all of them. You're already lifting your head on your own and you've scooted yourself across the scale at the doctor's office! You're going to keep us very busy and we're so excited to see how.

We're really excited to be your parents. We've already taken you to the library and Starbucks, each of practically equal importance in our lives. You've met almost all of your cousins. I've taken you out and about all by myself and stayed out entirely too long. We know which cry means you're hungry and which cry means "Guys, really, I've had enough. Please let me be for a bit." We are crazy about you. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed you isn't so bad when as you drift off to sleep you smile. You've grown and developed so much already! I'm trying to savor the moments but at the same time I can hardly wait to see what you're going to do next.

Thanks for making me a mom, Samson. I love you.

Love,
Mama