newsletter: month 1

Dear Samson,

Let me tell you, handsome Samson, this last month has been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I wouldn't really trade a single moment of it and that's quite the statement when you're talking about an epidural that stopped working, an emergency c-section, getting peed on, sleep deprivation, and the realization that I now wear my heart outside my body.

I had never been admitted to the hospital before and I guess that somehow translated into a long enough stay and enough procedures to last me quite awhile. I'll just summarize and say that I had an appointment with a perinatologist to monitor your heart rate for a bit and then check on you through ultrasound. My blood pressure was high enough that when the nurse practitioner told me to straight to the hospital, there was more than a tinge of urgency in her voice. Grandma happily drove me and we met the best OB in the planet, Dr. Schwope, right at the hospital. Since you had FINALLY decided to drop head down, we decided to induce me and see what happened instead of doing a c-section straight away. About five hours after that, the first drug to get things going was administered. 43 hours after THAT, you were born via emergency c-section. With every contraction, your heart rate was dropping and because I could hear it and already loved you more than I knew how to say out loud, my heart rate was speeding up. Surgery isn't always an easy fix for something, but this one did us both good.

Your dad sat right next to my head in the operating room as the doctors and nurses did their thing to get you out of my womb and out of distress. When they lifted you out and up and carried you to where the NICU team was waiting for you, I gasped in amazement of how completely gorgeous you were! My first thought was "THAT is the baby I get to take home?!" I knew that as your mother I'd always think you were good looking, but I was astounded by how handsome you were. Chubby cheeks, squirmy, and a cry that wasn't even annoying. Daddy and I watched as the NICU team got you all cleaned up and did the tests they needed to and got you all squared away as a brand new member of society. We discussed your name for one last time to be sure and the team working on me was done putting me back together at the same time your team was done fixing you up.

Someone took a picture of the three of us before we went back to the hospital room and it's something I hate and love. I think I look completely awful but at the same time I look like someone who had just worked really hard at the last task of keeping you healthy before you were born and was transitioning into the next phase of taking care of you. Your dad was adorable in his jumpsuit and mask and I was so grateful that he was right there with me. There's a lot of unknowns ahead of the three of us, but one thing I do know is that you were conceived in love and you'll be raised in love by two people who love each other tremendously.

I got to hold you, all bundled up with your hat on, as they wheeled my bed back into my room. Grandma and Papa and Grandma J were all waiting for us. We got to announce your name to them and the nurses: Samson Luciano. Luciano after your dad and Samson because it's a fantastic name. Samson means of the light and Luciano means light from within. There's strength conveyed just by your name and you're already living up to it. There were so many things that could have gone wrong during my pregnancy and delivery and you over came all of them. You're already lifting your head on your own and you've scooted yourself across the scale at the doctor's office! You're going to keep us very busy and we're so excited to see how.

We're really excited to be your parents. We've already taken you to the library and Starbucks, each of practically equal importance in our lives. You've met almost all of your cousins. I've taken you out and about all by myself and stayed out entirely too long. We know which cry means you're hungry and which cry means "Guys, really, I've had enough. Please let me be for a bit." We are crazy about you. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed you isn't so bad when as you drift off to sleep you smile. You've grown and developed so much already! I'm trying to savor the moments but at the same time I can hardly wait to see what you're going to do next.

Thanks for making me a mom, Samson. I love you.

Love,
Mama