the quick one about the boys

I think that my kids are super funny. S is talking and says the funniest stuff and A is just starting to talk but is still somehow funny. Today we had kind of a Thanksgiving detox day of watching movies and just being at home. After we watched Monsters University, A practiced his different kinds of roars all day. And after we watched Frozen, S chased A around the house yelling "Come here, act of true love, you need a kiss!"

I don't know how to make this kind of stuff up.

the one where i talk about my boy

My mom referred to me as her velcro child for at least the first four years of my life because when she tried to drop me off anywhere, I would attach myself to her leg in an effort to not have to stay. I was painfully shy even after I gave up attaching myself to her and still spend a lot of my time around people being fairly quiet. I like to assess the situation before jumping in. I'm definitely an introvert and I can spend time in large groups, even speak in front of large audiences, and I enjoy getting to know new people but then I need some recovery time spent all by myself. As I've gotten older and added things to my life like a husband and a child, I've been able to shorten the time I need and sneak it in during things like slightly longer showers or by concentrating on cooking something fantastic or even losing myself in a song while driving.

I don't think my husband has ever met a stranger. He thrives on meeting new people, on spending time in crowds, and loves parties. Everywhere we go, it is almost certain someone will ask him if they know him from somewhere and they usually do. When we go to any kind of gathering together, I have to tell him at least 45 minutes before I really want to leave that it's time to get going because it takes that much time for him to go around and say by to everyone.

S is a fantastic combination of our looks and our personalities. He has some traits that are distinctly similar to me and just as many like K. And there are things that are kind of a combination. For example, the kid gets free stuff all the time. Even before he was born, he got clothes and baby gear (for which we are so incredibly thankful!). It is not uncommon in the least for people to give him stuff when we are out and about. That's why we have five thousand hot wheels. That is definitely like his daddy. He is pretty personable but doesn't immediately go to people he doesn't know well. That is definitely like me.

But all of the sudden, he is very shy and sometimes even hesitates to go immediately to any of his grandparents. Of everyone he knows, that's the set that he knows the most after me and K of course. He will clutch my arm or step behind my legs. He freaks out when we drop him off at church childcare. As much as I would love to find a baby-sitter we can call and have come over to watch S, I am now pretty scared to even try to start that process.

These days, I am just exhausted all the time. I am stressing over the state of my house and the baby's room. K and I came up with what I think is a decent plan today on getting the big stuff taken care of and then tackling the little stuff. I can't get anything done while S is awake because he's into everything trying to help me or just explore newfound treasures like inside of the closet. And when I get him down for a nap, I take one too because I am drained. He usually goes to bed before K comes home from work, but that's kind of a crap shoot lately too. I can focus on things long enough to make a grocery list or a to do list for the next day, but that's about it before I just crawl into bed too.

And this is why I am quietly freaking out about adding another baby to the mix. Tired now has nothing on a brand new newborn. I don't know how long S is going to be in this phase or if this is just how it is from here on out with him.

Just trying to take it a day at a time. And I am beyond grateful that my parents live nearby and can and will take S to their house for a few hours here and there and he has a great time!

the one where i talk about 31 Days #2

Um, I didn't do anything today.

Mostly I just figured out the reason for my kind of funk this week so far is that I don't have anything to do. I do so much better when I have things built into my schedule that force me to plan out the day and get dressed and presentable at a decent point in the day. I know I'm a grown-up and should be able to do that on my own, but I am not very good at it.

I cleaned up the kitchen a tiny bit. I played with S a lot and we read a lot of books.

That's another thing. All of the sudden, my very busy two year old wants nothing more than to sit in my lap or otherwise drape himself on me all day long. I miss my cuddlebug a little bit, but I have gotten used to us being in the same room each doing something rather than me having to physically hold him all day. Also, he likes to sit in my lap and lean back which pushes the baby into me a bit more. I am confident the baby is fine. My stomach or something gets squished out in a different way to get out of the way of the baby and it's just generally uncomfortable. We'll get it sorted out soon enough. I think he senses the baby or that things are changing and just wants some extra Mommy time. It's weird to think that this time period of it being just me and my little guy is ending in a matter of months.

So, here's to tomorrow being a better and actually productive day!

the one where i talk about my parenting style

So we're in the middle of potty training S and it is a ginormous pain in the ass.

He is super excited to flush the toilet, talk about his penis and who else has one, and he loves his Thomas the Train and Toy Story underwear. But he will pee but not poop in the toilet. The Cars Pull-Ups that he also is super stoked to wear are different than diapers in that for some reason if he poops and it's not noticed immediately, he gets a rash on his little butt and he gets so busy playing that he doesn't want to take the time to let me clean him up and get him new Cars. So, diapers for nap time and overnight right now is what is absolutely necessary. It will all come together, and hopefully sooner rather than later so this mama only has to have one boy in diapers at a time.

I don't really know what I'm doing. That's my parenting style summed up in one sentence. I just love this kid a lot and do my best to be patient with him and myself. I get overwhelmed by the instructional mommyblogs. I like the ones that cuss and share pictures of crazy hair that lasted all day long.

Anyway, last night, S was freaking out because he didn't want to wear a diaper. He wanted to wear Cars or Tommy Choo-Choo or Buzz. I offered the compromise of wearing some too big underwear on top of his diaper. He couldn't decide between three different pairs. I suggested he ask Daddy for help deciding. And somehow, this turned into my son wearing one pair over his diaper, one pair over his pajama pants, and one pair over his head.

He was ridiculously happy. I was just tired. And he went to bed without any more fuss and took the pair off his head before getting in his bed.

So, I don't really know what I'm doing. I think a mom who was better organized and energized would have a way to have had her kiddo already potty trained by now, had a way for him to not wear a diaper at night, or been able to figure out a way to make wearing a diaper cool because it was just for night time. But I am exhausted. At the end of the night, I just need S to get in bed so I can get in bed. A happy kid is so much easier to get into his room than a kid who is upset.

Tonight I gave him a bath and he freaked out because he wanted to wear his shoes in the tub and I said no. But then I looked at the shoes (fake baby crocs) and realized they were super dirty and I didn't honestly care if he took a bath with those shoes on. So I told him I needed to wash them first and he was super excited. He wore his shoes in the tub, got his hair washed, his little body scrubbed down, and played until the bubbles all dissipated. Next bath time, I'll make sure to draw the bath, strip him down outside of the bathroom, and carry him in naked. He's still kind of easily distracted. Tonight he ran and got the shoes while I was getting the tub ready.

But again, I don't know if that was a smart thing to do or just lazy. I don't want to set these precedents where S just gets what he wants all the time. But right now, I just can't emphasize enough how tired I am. It is still ridiculously hot and I feel like I am getting bigger by the hour with this second baby.

I'm not super worried about this. I will admit that I am actively not thinking about how to handle any of this with two kids because it really freaks me out. Hopefully by the time the second one is two, I will have much more energy and direction. Or something.

the one where my son tells me about his day

I have talked to S all day every day since he was born. Partly because I know it's good for him to hear as big of a vocabulary as possible and partly because it helps me remember I kind of have a plan. Kind of anyway. But he's two and a half and he talks to me all day long now too and I love it! At the end of the day, as part of our bedtime routine, I sit in an easy chair in his room and he sits on my lap and we pray together and he tells me about his day.

So tonight, I prayed for him and then I asked him how his day was. He told me he had the hiccups (he did), and he told me everyone he played with today. Then he said, "Daddy has a penis. Sa-son has a penis." and kissed me on the cheek and hopped down to get in bed.

I really like being a mom. You never know what is going to happen next!

the one where we got a new family picture!

Dear Samson,

You are two years old. I think you were only a terrible two year old for a couple of days, and for that I am very grateful. You have one parent who has never met a stranger in his life and another who was her mother's "velcro child" for at least the first five years of her life in that she would attach herself to her mother's leg rather than let her leave. So somewhere in the middle of all of that, this has been the summer of not particularly great professional pictures. Not horrendously awful, but not fantastic.

You can be very shy and I think the concept of getting your pictures taken is kind of a weird one to you. But that's okay. I told the photographer today not to worry about getting you to smile. We would look at whatever pictures we got today and remember you were two and weren't really into the whole idea of professional pictures. She relaxed quite a bit.

But nevertheless, I'm pretty pleased with what we got! One last official family picture before Baby C-2 joins us. I'm a happy mama.

the one where i mention "church" and "amazeballs" together

I am still a little sick. I am more than a little tired of being sick. But I am feeling much better and we went to church today. The children's area is divided up into themed rooms and S goes to the Jungle now. I love the themes... He started in the Beehive before he knew how to walk, went to the Barnyard, and then hit the Jungle when he turned three. The thing about the Jungle is they do art projects every week. My church doesn't mess around when it comes to talking to people, even the littles, about Jesus and that is something I appreciate very much. Saying S loves to color is a huge understatement. The pictures are taped to the door so the parents can grab them as they pick up their children. S either has two sheets when everyone else has one or his is at least double filled up compared to everyone else's. My artist husband is thrilled about this.

He cried and called for us as we left him there today but we both know the adults in that room will call us if they need to and that when we go to pick S up, we will more than likely have to wait for him to do just one more thing before he's ready to leave. And sure enough, that's what happened today.

K and I sat in the row for people with small children because there is a bit more room and I can sit on the end and not have to move at all which is lovely since even though I'm not huge yet, I'm really awkward and definitely sweaty pretty much all the time. Still being a little sick, I didn't stand for the singing time and I didn't sing because when I talk too much I start coughing. Honestly though, I don't know how much I would have sang anyway.

The guy on drums this morning was completely amazeballs. I mean, really. I love music. I have gone to a gazillion concerts. I have seen different kinds of music. I have had many musician friends, including a drummer that I spent a fair amount of time with. But I have truly never seen or heard a better drummer than this man. Getting to watch anyone do anything with passion is remarkable. I appreciated so much that this guy was playing like that for church.

I don't know him, but one time he was at Starbucks with another guy who plays guitar at our church and I told him (the guitar player) that when he started playing a particular song I thought to myself, "Holy crap balls, that guy can play! And I get to hear it in CHURCH!" Luckily they both laughed and mentioned that it was nice to hear "holy crap balls" in reference to something that happened at church.

I feel that way a lot about City Church. I really do. I am so thankful that my husband works at a Starbucks down the road from the church offices and that the staff there prayed for us to start coming. Because we did, in a seemingly random set of circumstances, and our lives are so much better now than they were a year and a half ago.

the one where i mention i messed up a little bit with my son

When S was closer to an itty bitty than toddler, I taught him how to fist pump and high five and forgot about teaching him how to give kisses. Not because he's a boy, because fist pumping while chanting "Fresh new diaper!" was hysterical to me. Luckily, later on, he picked up on blowing kisses by himself and then a little after that suddenly started giving us kisses on the cheek. I hug and kiss that little guy several times a day because he's a great kid and also because he has these adorable velvet chubby cheeks that are just begging to be kissed. I figure I've got to get it in now before he gets all embarrassed that his mom is kissing him again!

Every night as I get him ready for bed, I ask him for a kiss and turn my cheek towards him. I keep turning my head back and forth asking for kisses until he starts laughing. I love it. I love that he'll give me fifty kisses and that he thinks it's funny that I keep asking for another one.

The other night I was just tired and not feeling well and wanting to get him in bed so I could just get in bed myself. I just asked for one kiss on each cheek and then went to give him a kiss. He looked crestfallen for a split second. And I asked for more kisses. I honestly had no idea that he liked giving me those kisses as much as I liked getting them. I thought that was my own weird mama thing, but it turns out he thinks it's cool too.

I love that kid. I love being a mom.

the one where i whine for a quick minute

There are a lot of things that are hard about being a mom that you just have no real concept of until you're in the midst of it all. Today I'd like to focus on what it's like to be sick and be a mom of a toddler.

It blows.

I was telling K just the other day that I don't think S will see me as an actual person until he's in his late teens and that may be if I'm lucky. But right now for sure I'm just this person who he definitely loves, but is supposed to be all about him. And most of the time I probably him. He has no concept of me having a headache, or being tired, or being grumpy. So I think today as I sat on the couch drained of most of my energy from being pregnant and having a cold with no medicine to take to alleviate any of the symptoms, he felt like I needed a cuddle but his two year old version of cuddling is climbing all over me, brushing my hair into my face, and licking my arm.

I love that kid, I really do. But I counted down the hours until I could get him to bed and it be reasonable.

For the record, when I'm not feeling well, I prefer soup (hot and sour if I get to pick), very cold sparkling water, and my bed. Not having someone lick my arm and giggle manically.

goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes

Today, as I was leaving my regular baby-sitting gig, S started to throw a fit. He didn't get a nap today and had just found a basketball that I had to take away from him so we could get out the door. I picked him up and told him we had to go and just held him as he struggled against me and cried. The mom of the kids I watched said, "You are the most patient mother I have ever seen."

That is one of my most favorite compliments. I try really hard. And there are days when I don't have the most patience because instead of just one fit, like today, there are ten.

I really try to treat S like a whole person and not some little toy version of me and my husband. He was born with a distinct personality and I try to respect that because that's the thing I want most from others. I'm still in charge. But it doesn't do much to yell at someone who is already crying that they need to stop crying. Sometimes he needs to cry. But he can cry while we're still getting ready to go.

And at the end of the day when I kiss his velvet cheeks as many times as he'll let me and he blows kisses to me as I walk out of his room, he's adorable enough that my patience and my love gets restocked and ready for the next day.

we're strange allies with warring hearts

My son is stubborn.

This is not a shocking fact as I myself am quite stubborn. I am also very independent and have often felt like I just need to take care of everything myself. It is not a comment on anyone else as much as it is on me. My husband will quietly take care of something for me and it still catches me off guard more often than not.

S and I are doing swim lessons. It's a fantastic set-up and I'm so glad for both of us to be learning. It is going to make hanging out in my parents' new pool much more relaxing for me knowing that he has some respect for water and understanding of how to be in it. However, the lesson time is literally thirty minutes every week when I feel like a sucky mom. S doesn't want to do any of the stuff when it's time to do it. He won't blow bubbles in the water. He freaks out when I am helping him learn how to do a back float. The one thing he will actually do is the spider crawl along the wall because it leads to a slide that he goes down. And he will glide under water from the slide and be super excited about it. He also likes the part where he jumps in and goes under water, but there's a little song we sing and he sits on the edge with his shoulders slumped while all the other little kids are making the fishy motions. Such a little stinker.

I have been naming his body parts since I started dressing and bathing him. He has never seemed like he was listening, much less actually caring about what I was saying. Then all of the sudden tonight, he knew them all! He showed me his head, eyes, nose, mouth, shoulders, chest, arms, legs, hands, and feet. The best part was the whole time he was looking at me like, "Duh, Mom, of course I know where that is!"

That kid is something else. And I love him to pieces!

...

Having a toddler is completely insane. Or he is insane. Or maybe I am. I'm not really sure anymore.

A trip to the grocery store is a freaking nightmare of wrestling a 31 pound kid amongst nasty stares from strangers as I leave with half or less of my list in my cart.

I am forever tripping over various blocks and toy cars. My car has a hodgepodge of mismatched socks, crayons, and goldfish crackers.

But then at night as we get ready for bed time for babies, he is the sweetest and most loving little guy I've ever seen. He's not always excited to go to bed, but he will walk to his room most of the time (albeit with slumped shoulders sometimes) and then blow me at least five kisses as I tell him I love him and to have sweet dreams.

And that sweetness goes a long way in me being able to go to bed knowing it's going to start all over again tomorrow.

I am so tired but I wouldn't trade this motherhood thing or my crazy son for anything in the world.

31 days of improvement: day 1

I cleaned the hallway bathroom from top to bottom. It's really nice in there and it's also literally the only spot in the house that is clean from top to bottom. I will be working hard this week to make that not be the case, but in the meantime, I kind of want to just hang out in there.

S wants to help me or be involved or try to do things himself regardless of what I'm doing. I love it and I try to encourage it but when I'm cleaning and he throws a fit because I'm sweeping and won't hand over the broom it makes things difficult. Or if I'm folding clothes and putting them in piles on the couch, well, I just don't bother anymore. He runs up and in one smooth movement dumps everything off the couch.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just trying to survive each day rather than live it. And it's not entirely true, but I think it is when it comes to how my house looks. Hopefully I can keep making little steps and have a house that's more clean than not! In the meantime, I'm going to go stand in the bathroom for a minute.

newsletter: month 18

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are 18 months old! I can't believe it. Sometimes you seem much older and other times it seems like you were an itty bitty guy in my arms and I blinked and now you are climbing on top of the table. Time goes by so differently when you become a parent. You are very aware of it and it zooms past you at the same time. Eighteen months of you right in front of me with lots of good times, giggles, and lessons learned.

You crawl, walk, run, and climb. The climbing part is insane to me. I was a very calm child and from all accounts, so was Daddy. And here you are, climbing on anything and everything you can get a foothold on. When we go to eat at home, I take the tray off the high chair and let you climb up because it's actually faster than me setting you in there. I have to take great care in making sure furniture and some of your sturdier toys are not too close to each other because you will climb up on one thing so you can reach something else to climb up even higher. Climbing up on a chair, to climb up on the table and throw your hands up in jubilee is adorable and terrifying at the same time. My current goal is to avoid any major scars until you can at least talk.

We were at a friend's house, outside on the deck and you were playing on a little bike. All of the sudden you rode down the stairs and I watched in horror as you and the bike tumbled head over heels down those stairs. My heart stopped as I ran to scoop you up, trying not to picture the worst. I was sure there was a broken bone or there would be blood. You snuggled into my neck and I calmed you down while my heart pounded so hard I was sure it was going to fly out of my body. And before I could get myself calmed down, you were upset again because I wouldn't let you immediately get back on that bike. The next day, I was trying to change your diaper on the changing table. You wiggle and crawl away (as much as you can on a little table) and that night was no different. Except when you were on all fours, a hand slipped and your face slammed into the edge of the table. I scooped you up, checked for blood, and went to the freezer for your little Elmo gel pack. By the time I had told Daddy what happened and gotten us settled on the couch, you had stopped crying and wanted down. You cried harder as we took turns holding that gel pack on your face than you did when you actually injured yourself. It was pretty much an instant black eye.

The thing that I love about you and that also terrifies me is it doesn't seem like anything is going to keep you down. You are intent on exploring and playing, on doing what you want to do and getting right back to it whenever you face an obstacle. I admire that trait but I hope so hard it moves from physical injuries to triumphs. And I hope this isn't a glimpse of you as an adrenaline junkie!

You have a few words you use sometimes. I thought I wanted to be called "mama" but once you started saying "Mommy" and it was an intentional word rather than sounds strung together, I started to change my mind. You also say daddy, uh-oh, whoa, mine, and hi. None are all the time but all are adorable. You've started to get the hang of manners and when you hand me something, you say "Come" almost as a whisper. It makes taking half-chewed up mouthfulls of food in my hand a little easier, I have to say. You jabber constantly and for someone who doesn't know English very well, you certainly have a lot of opinions you'd like everyone to know about!

I am delighted by the fact you continue to love music and have kind of discriminating tastes for a toddler. The album Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons might as well be permanently stuck in the car cd player. I really like all the songs, but I am kind of tired of it and will try to sneak in some radio time. You will have nothing of it. Since it's a little easier to concentrate on driving without someone yelling at the top of their lungs in the back seat, I usually give in and press play again. You especially like tracks 2-4 ("The Cave", "Winter Winds", and "Roll Away Your Stone") which luckily have become my favorites as well. Sometimes I'm not really paying attention to it and we get all the way to track 7 ("Little Lion Man") which is a song I actually really like but is pretty inappropriate for little ears since it drops the f bomb several times. I think that cussing is sometimes (very very rarely) a really effective way to get your point across and I don't know how to substitute it in this particular song, but we skip it nonetheless. That's a discussion we can have when you're a teenager.

I'm involved in a group at church called Band of Mothers and we meet to pray for our kids and talk about resources to share with moms of kids of all ages. At the last small gathering I was at, we talked a lot about teenagers. It just seems so far away. In some ways, it absolutely is. You are literally over a decade away from becoming a teenager. I'm grateful for the chance to walk alongside some mamas who have kids older than you so I can see what they are going through and also that they survive. There are things Daddy and I are trying to do right now to put in place now so you grow up always knowing that in your life. Family hugs, going to church, socializing with others, reading, listening to a wide variety of music, meeting you on your level as much as we can, and making sure you know we are here for you and will take what you have to say seriously. A lot of it seems abstract right now but then there are times when something we've done for months without it seeming like it means anything adds up into something really cool. For instance, right now you are all about bringing us books to read to you, over and over again. I can't help but think as long as we plod along making the rest of these things intentional and repetitious as best we can, that it will add up into your understanding and it will happen sooner rather than later.

You are a fantastic person, Samson. I am so glad to get to know you and I genuinely have fun spending time with you. I had no idea someone who couldn't really talk could be so funny! I will always do my best to do right by you. One of my biggest hopes is that you always talk this much to me. I want to know what you have to say.

I love you, my little baby man.

Love, Mama

you might be drifiting, and can't find the shore

I spent a good chunk of the morning/early afternoon at a friend's house, chatting, praying, and watching the kids play. I love going to her house because she lives out in the country. It's a commitment to drive over there. It gives me a couple of minutes of the driving I used to do all the time when I lived in Southern California. And, I always leave with a nugget of something. Understanding, peace, happiness. Something.

We spent some time talking about teenagers and some specific struggles of anonymous kids and I found myself alternately missing being involved in high school ministry (something I didn't really think I'd say for at least a few more years), thinking that the teen years are literally more than a decade away for my child, and starting to wonder if everyone is sure there's not a way to freeze your kids at a young age so they don't grow up and go out into that big scary world. 

I'm grateful to know moms who have kids older than mine. They seem to have found their mama groove and it's encouraging to see that the toddler years are survivable. It's possible to have more than one kid and still sleep a little bit. That eventually, I won't have to keep my eye on my child most of the time to ensure he doesn't try riding a bike down the stairs (well, my child may do that when he gets older too, just to see what happens, but today, he had no idea of the consequences).

I hope I can offer that encouragement to a mom with younger kids than mine someday.

lay down your sweet head

Today was such a long day with my little guy. I always love him to pieces but there are days when I would love it if I could just take a four hour nap in the middle of the day or go to the grocery store by myself.

I got snot wiped on me all day long, whining, crying, a bowl of cheerios dumped out in the middle of the grocery store and then of course more tears because there were no more cheerios... It was just a long day. I gave him a bath and he soaked my entire shirt as he was getting out.

But then I got him in pajamas and we cuddled on the couch for a little bit and he was completely and wonderfully adorable. And my patience meter filled up again (it wasn't quite empty but it was definitely lower than usual!) and we are good for another day tomorrow.

Being a mom is hard. But wonderful.

hush little baby don't say a word

At S's last well baby appointment, his doctor told me I needed to teach him how to fall asleep on his own, rather than on me. She said that everyone wakes up in the middle of the night but we each know how to get comfortable again to go back to sleep. S's way to get comfortable again is to fall asleep on me, which means I have to get up and get him back to sleep. She said it wouldn't hurt him to cry and to do it now rather than when he knows real words or is in a bed he can get out of. I tried, based on my sister's experience, for five nights and it was completely miserable. Then he cried so hard he threw up and I realized I was just way out of my league and needed an actual book or something.

I kind of put it all off. My friend came to visit and that was going to disrupt the normal day to day schedule (in a wonderful way, but still) so I wanted to wait until after she went home. Then I got a book and read it and was set to go and S started really walking. The book suggested not starting sleep training while the baby is teething or if they have learned a new big skill because that really affects their sleep schedule. So, this was the week.

I've been dreading it. It is completely awful to hear my baby cry and not go to comfort him. But in this case, it has to be done so he can learn how to self soothe himself back to sleep. The book asks that you commit to one night at a time and says that most people see results in five nights. I figured I could do one night and even bargained with myself that if after two hours he was still hysterical, I'd just start again tomorrow.

We went through the normal bed time routine. Can I just say how freaking adorable he is about bath time? You can ask "Are you ready for a bath with bubbles?" and he will drop whatever he's doing and walk to the bathroom and try to open the door. I gave him a bottle (which is the next thing to go, by the way) and then we sat and chatted for a bit and then I took him to his crib. He started whimpering before I had even put him in his crib and was full on screaming by the time I was out the door. I waited five minutes, and went in. I could see his tear streaked face and he was reaching with both arms towards me. I followed the instructions and went back to the living room and set the timer for ten minutes. Same thing. I went back and set the timer for fifteen minutes. After about five minutes, it was considerably quieter. By the time fifteen minutes rolled around, it was silent. I snuck in, and sure enough, S was laying down, snoring. He looked exactly like he does when I let him fall asleep on me and then put him in the crib.

I was dreading this all of last week and it was so easy! I mean, ridiculously hard to not pick up S when he was reaching for me, but it wasn't just to be mean, but so much less crying than I was anticipating!

Do you know what this means?! I might be able to go to sleep at a decent hour on a regular basis AND sleep all the way through the night! The world is so much easier to face on more than four hours of sleep!

newsletter: month 12

Dear Samson,

Sometimes when I'm at the doctor office or someone I don't know very well asks me what your birthday is, I say March 11 and then correct myself to say it's the 13th. Last year, I was admitted to the hospital on the 11th and you made your way out on the 13th. It was a bit of a long and arduous labor that ultimately ended in an emergency c-section. I remember how everything happened and can definitely retell the story, but I'm not sure how much it actually matters in talking to you.

It was a difficult pregnancy and a difficult labor but none of that was your fault. I don't intend on holding that against you. I'm just so thankful you and I were able to make it through that nine months and also this past year! When I first caught a glimpse of you, I gasped at how gorgeous I thought you were. You were ticked at being out in the open air and the team of doctors and nurses that were waiting for you wasted no time in making sure you were okay. As my team of doctors and nurses were sewing me back up, Daddy and I watched as you were cleaned up and checked out. Daddy got to take pictures and then someone haphazardly put my glasses back on my face and handed you, all nicely bundled and capped, to Daddy and we took our first family picture.

I got to hold you as they wheeled me back to the labor and delivery room where family was waiting to find out if you were a boy or a girl and what your name was. A nurse wrote "Happy Birthday Samson Luciano" on the white board in our room. And Daddy and I held you and marveled at you and each other, and the best adventure of my life started a fresh chapter.

This past year has been the simultaneously best and hardest of my life. I've gone from trying to survive to trying to intentionally parent you, even though you are just now turning one year old. I had no idea I could love like this and no clue that my heart would just grow to try to contain all the love I have for you and the new kind of love I have for your Daddy. For all the sleepless nights (and days), spit up, poop, tears (yours and mine), laundry, and other awkward times, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I was meant to be your Mama and you were meant to be my son. I have absolutely no doubt of this and am so excited to see what kind of toddler, kid, teenager, and adult you will be.

Right now, you are cruising along furniture and I think you're just going to start walking like a pro any day. In the meantime, you seem pretty satisfied by crawling like a maniac. You startle me sometimes with how fast you are! You love to get into any open door (like say the fridge) without warning so you can see what all is inside.

At your birthday party, Daddy and I got to see some of our concentrated efforts pay off. You insisted on opening up each birthday card yourself to see what was inside. Someone asked us how we taught you to do that, convinced it was a trick you learned for the party. But really, it's that we read to you so much that you not only know how books work but you are interested in them. I think you know that you'll be able to read them all by yourself soon enough but if you start trying to operate them now, you might get that ability faster. I am thrilled. I don't expect you to be the smartest kid in your class, but I do expect that you will read. I want you to be hungry for knowledge and know that the best way to find information is to read. I want you to get lost in other worlds and have a bigger vocabulary than other kids your age because you just keep reading. But for now, I just love that one of the few times you'll let me snuggle you is when you're in my lap listening and looking as I read to you.

One of my hopes for you is that you will live up to your name and be a light to those around you. I can say with certainty that you bring light to the faces of those around you now. You are a very strong little guy and I hope that as you grow up, you have more than physical strength. I hope you have strong faith, kindness, emotional stability, and strong ethics. I hope you are a healthy and productive member of society who is a God seeker. I hope I get to see you accomplish big things, in your own life and in the world.

Samson, Daddy and I will be here for you no matter what. You will be able to ask us questions and know we will tell you the truth. You will be able to come to us and tell us difficult things and know we will still love you. You will be able to turn to us in times of happiness and in times of sadness.

You are off to an amazing start! May there be many more birthdays to celebrate and may you be celebrated by as many people as you are this year on your first one. Don't ever doubt that you are significant or that you are loved.

Thanks for making me a Mama, Samson. The best and hardest title I've ever gotten to claim.

I love you.

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 11

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are eleven months old! Daddy and I just got your birthday party invitations and are about to send them out. We had a really good time going through all the pictures we have of you and exclaiming about how small you used to be and what a little boy you look like now. I can hardly believe that are almost a whole year old!

You crack me up at least once a day. You know how to shake your head no but it's not always conversationally appropriate. Sometimes it is though and I'm still not sure how much of that is coincidence and how much is you really understanding and responding. You're very smart though, and you do communicate with me an awful lot for a little baby. But about the laughing. You will shake your head no just before you do something you're not supposed to. Also if you bump into something, you'll often sit back and shake your head no. Sometimes I laugh because you have just burst out with random laughter all by your little self in the middle of the room. Other times it's because you've taken my face in mine and blown me a kiss or the way you smile when you see my hair down. You're completely adorable, even when you're being a huge stinker.

You pull my hair and you steal my glasses right off my face. You spit food right back at me sometimes and you act like we're trying to poison you when we offer and encourage finger foods. Sometimes you will cry like your heart is broken because Daddy picked you up and you wanted me or vice versa. You determindly crawl into the kitchen even though we put up a baby gate and you constantly find pieces of paper to chew on even though we have to dig them out so you stop gagging. I am fascinated by watching you process things and try new ways to get places or how you play with the same toy in a variety of ways. But I'm still going to teach you how to say, "My name is Samson, and I can be a stinker" because it's totally true.

A few times in the past week, you've pulled yourself up on some furniture and then let go and stood all by yourself for a minute or two before sitting down and crawling away. Sometimes if I set you down on the floor, you'll stand unassisted for a little bit and look around deciding where to go. You cruise around the living room like a little pro and I really think you'll be walking before you turn one. When Daddy and I are walking back and forth in the hallway and you're crawling inbetween our feet, I can see you trying to process how to walk like we do. I am excited to see where you want to explore and how you will get there but I'm also a little nervous. You just are not such a baby anymore.

I see glimpses of both me and Daddy in your personality all the time, all mixed in with everything you are just by yourself. I see you lean back and take things in and react only when you really need to just like Daddy does. And I see how you watch me do something and listen to me explain it to you and then insist on doing it your own way anyway just like how I do. My biggest hope is that I can show you that it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to follow someone's example and it's okay to not always know how to do everything by yourself. I love that you are okay in a room of strangers if you can still see me or Daddy in the room with you. You're a huge charmer of strangers when we go out to eat or are running errands. I'm not sure if I have a heartbreaker on my hands or just a very friendly little guy. But I couldn't be happier that I get to just hang around and find out.

Sometimes, especially after a particularly long night, I wish that I had gotten married and had a baby when I was younger. It is a lot harder for me to bounce back after very little sleep! But overall, I'm glad that I'm your mom as a thirty year old. I have a lot more patience than I did five or ten years ago. I have a lot more confidence in myself. I trust myself more. I can see what you need better now than I know I would have been able to five or ten years ago. I'm going to make a hundred million more mistakes and you're going to yell at me and slam the door and be frustrated, but I'm coming at all this parenthood stuff from a good place. I love you like crazy and I always will.You are simply amazing.

Thank you again for making me a mama.

I love you, Samson.

Love, Mama

you might be a mom if...

I have a movie review I forgot to finish, so I'll post it maybe tomorrow... Monday Movie Reviews may just be back! Yay!

And for my actual post today... Some things I was thinking about in regards to motherhood.

You know you're a mom when...

...you don't expect to be able to poop in peace.
...you REALLY enjoy watching Sesame Street.
...baby poop, drool, snot, spit up, pee, etc doesn't faze you.
...you go to the grocery store with your hair halfway combed and are just glad you got two matching shoes on.
...the idea of sleeping in makes you wistful for a moment.
...Little People are REALLY fun to play with.
...you cheer for really random things.
...you can do almost everything one handed without a second thought.
...you find yourself talking in the third person to someone who has a tenuous at best grasp on English.
...pictures from six months ago make you tear up.

More as I think of them!