the one about being in school and blah

I'm in this strange stage of life where I feel like I'm where I need to be with school and headed toward a career that I'm going to love but still feeling in limbo because I'm not working yet. It seems like most of my friends are in actual careers and kind of more like real adults. I'm married and I have two kids, but it doesn't seem very grown up to be in school. Still. Again. Whatever. But, things just take time sometimes. The first plan was to get into nursing school, complete the LVN program and then begin the RN program as soon as possible. I managed to pull off doing that immediately. At orientation for the Winter quarter on Thursday, I met some fellow RN students and when I was asked when I finished the LVN program and I said Monday, it startled people. In that good kickass way. I think there are four of us who were able to have the GPA to be admitted into this quarter of the RN program. That's not a dig on anyone who didn't make it. Some people chose to start in January and others had the GPA and everything but couldn't get it all coordinated with the various offices you have to go through to get started. I'm still proud though. I accomplished something good. I'm registered to take the state exam for my LVN license. I have some credits taken care of and am hopeful to knock three months off of my program.

I think that right now I feel like I don't have anything to show for my efforts. No one walks around taking manual blood pressures or giving injections or handling someone's body fluids. It would be awkward to carry my stethoscope around. I feel a little unsettled. I will be participating in my graduation ceremony but I feel a little silly inviting people to it (even though I already have talked to a few people) because it isn't a degree. I'm working on the first degree starting next week. And I have a long way to go to be a nurse practitioner. After this program, I'll likely do everything else online. But maybe I can have a party after the RN.

I would like to be in a place where I am happy and not feeling like I'm competing or have to justify where my life is with everyone else. That is super dumb because I am actually happy. I haven't felt this much like my genuine self in a long time. I feel smart again. I love my husband and I adore our children. Money is tight but not unmanageable. I think somehow it doesn't feel like it's enough compared to the people around me that were able to figure this stuff out just such a long time before I did. But how do you ever win when you're in a competition like that anyway?

the one where i'm lonely

I read this really lovely piece about being in the valley. About being a mama that reads blogs and news articles and Facebook and Twitter and longs to participate in conversations but feeling woefully unqualified to speak up. That's where I am right now. I see pictures of friends of mine hanging out together and seeing people going on vacations and reading news stories that I care about and want to mention but not having the time to investigate more and have a well informed opinion so I just stay quiet. I'm jealous. I am on the outside looking in.

And for good reason, these two little boys that I've been entrusted with need me to pay more attention to them than to most everything else right now. It's a season I'm in. I won't always be wiping multiple butts at home all day and repeating myself five thousand times or carrying one child while the other tries to climb up my legs. My house won't always be so messy I'm terribly embarrassed to even ask for help in tackling projects. I will miss little feet running down the hallway making as much noise as they can possibly make and little arms raised in the air waiting to be picked up.

I know all of this.

But it's still hard to be in this spot sometimes. I miss sleep. I miss having lengthy conversations with my husband. I miss having something to talk about that doesn't have to do with my children. My biggest interaction with people outside of my house is usually church and we haven't been in a month. First the house flooded and we were overwhelmed with trying to quickly clean it up before mold could really set in. And then everyone (except K) has been sick.

So many people have such bigger problems than this. I recently read that all our loneliness is only an illusion. I think it's true, but only if you speak up so you can hear that someone else has been in your shoes. Or is in your shoes. Or just wants you to put your shoes on so you can go for a walk with them for a minute and not be sitting in the same old lonely spot.

I'll be studying for an entrance exam to nursing school and applying for scholarships and financial aid soon. That will all be very good. And at some point, the pinkeye and the colds and the coughing and the scarlet fever all have to go away, right?

the one where i whine for a quick minute

There are a lot of things that are hard about being a mom that you just have no real concept of until you're in the midst of it all. Today I'd like to focus on what it's like to be sick and be a mom of a toddler.

It blows.

I was telling K just the other day that I don't think S will see me as an actual person until he's in his late teens and that may be if I'm lucky. But right now for sure I'm just this person who he definitely loves, but is supposed to be all about him. And most of the time I probably him. He has no concept of me having a headache, or being tired, or being grumpy. So I think today as I sat on the couch drained of most of my energy from being pregnant and having a cold with no medicine to take to alleviate any of the symptoms, he felt like I needed a cuddle but his two year old version of cuddling is climbing all over me, brushing my hair into my face, and licking my arm.

I love that kid, I really do. But I counted down the hours until I could get him to bed and it be reasonable.

For the record, when I'm not feeling well, I prefer soup (hot and sour if I get to pick), very cold sparkling water, and my bed. Not having someone lick my arm and giggle manically.

the one where i talk about my house with only minimal sighing

We have done a whole lot of unorganized and rushed moving in the past few years. We moved into my parents house for awhile right after we got married because I was very unexpectedly pregnant and it was a bit of a rough pregnancy that put me on medical leave from my job. We had no savings to be able to fill in the gaps. Luckily, as we considered our options, my parents graciously let us move into their house and take over two rooms. We got out of our apartment quickly and moved most of our stuff into a storage unit. It was all very haphazard. It is difficult to pack while freaking out about a hundred things and not really having any ab muscles.

We moved out of my parents' house into our current residence quickly as well. This time we moved with a six month old baby and with K working two jobs. All unpacking fell on me. My main goal was to get stuff out of boxes. We have two ginormous bookshelves in the front of the house that are still a big mess because I just got stuff out of boxes and onto the shelves, intending to go through and organize everything later. It still hasn't happened.

This house is three bedrooms and we are very fortunate to live here in a lot of ways. In some other ways, it is a giant pain in the ass. The house had not been well maintained for who knows how long and we are still struggling with a small bug problem that will hopefully and finally be taken care of by the time we bring home our second baby. The floors are hardwood but abused hardwood. I vacuum and mop often but there are water stains, paint, and marks from carpet being in here at some point and then ripped up. We painted the whole inside of the house before moving in and had a friend help us. He did not do a great job but we had no time to fix it and let the house air out before moving in, so it is what it is. We had a plumbing issue a few months ago and somewhere in there, the toilet in the hall bathroom isn't working anymore. We have central air but have to turn it off during the hottest part of the day because it simply can't keep up. The garage is packed from floor to ceiling with stuff that isn't ours and I believe contributes to the bug problem. But, it's cheap and it's our home for the time being. I have a renewed interest in really making the best of it.

On Saturday, my parents kept S while K and I emptied out his room, cleaned it from top to bottom, and put in slightly different furniture. The changing table and crib are out, the little dresser and tall skinny bookshelf are back, and the toddler bed is new. We got a new area rug for him (of the solar system, on which he excitedly points out all the stars to me every time we go in his room together) and will get some curtains soon. We were able to move a bunch of toys into the room from the living room and as soon as I am able to go through the rest of the stuff in the living room, even more will be transferred. S LOVES his room. He like running around in it, playing, jumping on the bed, fake snoring on the bed, playing with me... He likes everything in his room except bed time and nap time.

I am so glad to have an entire room of the house in good shape. It is clean, it will be easy to maintain that cleanliness, I will be able to move even more stuff in there soon, and my son really likes it. It feels good in there. It smells nice and clean. It feels like it has a real purpose and intentional. I am excited to decorate it a little bit more and proud of all of our efforts to make it a nice place for S to be.

Now, for the rest of the house. The third room was going to be an office but turned kind of into a junk room. Know how a lot of people have a junk drawer? This is like a junk room. We have to get rid of some of the furniture in there and clean the room and get the crib and changing table set up in there. We'll need curtains and space for baby clothes and gear. The bookshelves in the living room need to be cleared off, contents sorted through, and then all put back together but in a usable and organized way this time. And our bedroom needs to be cleaned out. There's a pile of stuff for a garage sale and the closet has some boxes in it that we need to go through.

It's all a bit daunting because I really want to be done by November since the baby is due in December. But, when I go into S's room, I feel like I can do it. We did that in one day and I have months to get everything else done. It'll be a little easier after S gets over hating nap and bed time, but I am ridiculously hopeful we'll get to that point soon. Maybe by the end of the week? I hope that's not a crazy thought.

Thankful for so much in my house, including the reminder that the next time we move it needs to be more organized and intentional.

I can do this.

i'm gonna bake you a pie with a heart in the middle

Well, sleep training is making me a more productive mom. Instead of holding S for a couple of hours trying to get him to sleep, I'm keeping myself busy because it hurts my heart to hear him cry, even if it is a small amount of pain now to avoid a huge amount of pain later.

I made three strawberry pies for tomorrow. I made calamari and cheese steak sandwiches for dinner for me and K.

I am a tired mama.

hush little baby don't say a word

At S's last well baby appointment, his doctor told me I needed to teach him how to fall asleep on his own, rather than on me. She said that everyone wakes up in the middle of the night but we each know how to get comfortable again to go back to sleep. S's way to get comfortable again is to fall asleep on me, which means I have to get up and get him back to sleep. She said it wouldn't hurt him to cry and to do it now rather than when he knows real words or is in a bed he can get out of. I tried, based on my sister's experience, for five nights and it was completely miserable. Then he cried so hard he threw up and I realized I was just way out of my league and needed an actual book or something.

I kind of put it all off. My friend came to visit and that was going to disrupt the normal day to day schedule (in a wonderful way, but still) so I wanted to wait until after she went home. Then I got a book and read it and was set to go and S started really walking. The book suggested not starting sleep training while the baby is teething or if they have learned a new big skill because that really affects their sleep schedule. So, this was the week.

I've been dreading it. It is completely awful to hear my baby cry and not go to comfort him. But in this case, it has to be done so he can learn how to self soothe himself back to sleep. The book asks that you commit to one night at a time and says that most people see results in five nights. I figured I could do one night and even bargained with myself that if after two hours he was still hysterical, I'd just start again tomorrow.

We went through the normal bed time routine. Can I just say how freaking adorable he is about bath time? You can ask "Are you ready for a bath with bubbles?" and he will drop whatever he's doing and walk to the bathroom and try to open the door. I gave him a bottle (which is the next thing to go, by the way) and then we sat and chatted for a bit and then I took him to his crib. He started whimpering before I had even put him in his crib and was full on screaming by the time I was out the door. I waited five minutes, and went in. I could see his tear streaked face and he was reaching with both arms towards me. I followed the instructions and went back to the living room and set the timer for ten minutes. Same thing. I went back and set the timer for fifteen minutes. After about five minutes, it was considerably quieter. By the time fifteen minutes rolled around, it was silent. I snuck in, and sure enough, S was laying down, snoring. He looked exactly like he does when I let him fall asleep on me and then put him in the crib.

I was dreading this all of last week and it was so easy! I mean, ridiculously hard to not pick up S when he was reaching for me, but it wasn't just to be mean, but so much less crying than I was anticipating!

Do you know what this means?! I might be able to go to sleep at a decent hour on a regular basis AND sleep all the way through the night! The world is so much easier to face on more than four hours of sleep!

mmm, popcorn

This week was pretty nice. K and I had four days off together and although we meant to do something fun and out of the ordinary like go to Fredricksburg for the day or just hang out downtown, we didn't. The closest we got was going to eat Japanese food at our favorite place.

Today I had to work an 8 hour shift and it seriously flew by. I don't know if that was because I felt like I had a vacation or because I'm used to the 13 hour shifts, or what. Oh and a coworker that caused a lot of problems was let go today and it was refreshing to know that my managers actually knew what was going on and were really doing something about. I don't have any personal problems with this particular coworker at all, it just basically came down to wishing there was someone that had more of a teamwork kind of ethic. I have no idea what this will mean for my work schedule, but I do know that even though things are never perfect at work, the 13 hour days will seem a lot shorter.

I think I was going to try to be more interesting, but my popcorn is done and I am really excited about getting in bed and watching my tape of Friends.

makeup

My makeup was too good tonight to just be sitting at home, but alas, that's where I'm at.

It's not actually that big of a deal. K and I went out to dinner and I tried a new eyeshadow combination that I really liked. I tried to do a few different things but nothing really panned out. So I'm playing on Facebook and going to go check on my little patio garden in a little bit.

As I've gotten more into my Mary Kay stuff, the more I've enjoyed playing with makeup. I haven't ever really been into it because no one had ever really shown me how to do anything. I read everything I can get my hands on with Mary Kay and it has really helped me feel a lot more confident about color combinations and how to apply it in a flattering way. I am really excited about doing color consultations for people!

I know it sounds like a big ol' ad for myself, but really, I'm just trying to blog more and this is what happens to be on my mind at the moment.

K and I are so boring these days that although our favorite waitress at our favorite Japanese place wanted to stand and talk with us, we really had nothing to tell her about. Everything is pretty mundane around here... That's definitely not a bad thing, only when you're trying to catch up with someone and you both realize there are no big stories to share.

Eh, what're you gonna do? :)

class is going to come very early on monday morning

I would just like to say that I am taking three classes on Mondays and Wednesdays and am out of class by 10:45 am. That's hardcore, man.

My internal clock is all out of whack. That's why I'm up right now eating ramen and desperately searching for something interesting to watch on tv instead of sleeping. It's just kind of nice and peaceful as my upstairs neighbors have not woken up yet. I still haven't figured out what requires so much constant marching around. But I have definitely figured out the next place I live will be on the top floor, even if that means it's the third floor.

Yesterday was my niece's fifth birthday. She is a lot of fun to spend time with because she's more little kid than baby now (even though I will forever refer to my sister's kids collectively as "the babies") and little kid logic is seriously the best. I personally enjoy how I am always greeted with "Auntie! Auntie! Auntie!" Sometimes I hear it more if it's as the kids are running across the yard or something. I talked to her on the phone and wished her a happy birthday and she told me a little about her day. It's so cliche and ridiculous but I can't believe she's old enough for me to completely understand on the phone now. I also talked to my nephew. His birthday is at the end of next month so what he said to me was "Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. When (my niece) is done getting growed up, then it gets to be my birthday. Okay, I love you." How can you just not adore the two of them?

I'm going to pretend like I can sleep now... Wish me luck!

...

Sick of being sick, that's me. I still don't feel good. I have more of my voice back which is good. Last night K and I went out to dinner and I think that's what wiped me out for most of today. How pathetic is that?! Making it more ridiculous is we had Japanese food so I fully took advantage of the hot green tea offering and had a giant bowl of udon which hit the spot. I can't believe how long it's been since I had a good bowl of udon...

K and I were supposed to go to a friend's fish fry tonight. I actually really wanted to go. I spent most of the day in bed and then took a shower and realized there was no way it was going to work. So K is over there and I'm at home grumpily watching tv. It's totally fine and probably good that he is over there because I am definitely a huge grump.

I think I'm going to just tuck myself into bed and watch some SNL.

allergies

I recently read that more people die in Southern California annually because of air pollution related causes than car crashes. If you've ever driven on any Southern California freeway, you know what a remarkable statement this is. I never had any problems. I started drinking bottled or filtered water, or at least putting lemon in water after I moved to Riverside because the water tasted funky, but that was really the only environmentally charged change I made.

Now, however, I live in San Antonio. On the daily weather forecasts, they also include mold, pollen, and mountain cedar air counts. I don't know exactly what they mean except that a lot of people in San Antonio have allergies. I personally have allergies like a mofo. No really, I think I saw my doctor right that in my chart today. Day one, I have itchy eyes, the sniffles, and maybe a minor sore throat or headache. Most everything goes away with some Tylenol or something similar. From what I've seen, this is what most people in San Antonio mean when they say they have allergies. That is the set of symptoms they have during a particular season. Not me, my friends.

Day two, my ears are so full of random crap that it feels like I'm in a swimming pool. And everything is very very loud to me even though I know it's all really just normal volume. I have snot just dripping wantonly out of my nose and my throat is on fire. I have a cough that disturbs young children. Any energy I have is simply sucked right out of me when I do something like take a shower or walk from the bed to the kitchen to get some juice. My sinuses are so full that the pressure starts to make me believe that if I can just poke something through my cheeks it will go away. My sneezes sound and feel as if they originated in my toes. My nose is red and raw. And anyone who sees me, including medical professionals, give me looks of sympathy before I even open my mouth to say anything at all.

Last year I waited a few days to go to the doctor and ended up with two shots in my bum, a bag of prescription samples, and a handful of slips to turn in to a pharmacy. So this year when I felt all cruddy two weeks ago, I went to the doctor. It turned out I had a sinus infection and two ear infections. Good thing I only have two ears! I took three doses of antibiotics a day for ten days. I felt better on day seven and finished the pills because YOU ALWAYS FINISH ANTIBIOTICS. Then my throat got sore again. That was on Sunday. Monday, I had an obnoxiously runny nose at work and the beginning of a cough. I took every decongestant and antihistamine I could get my hands on and didn't really get any relief.

A quasi side note to my story is that one benefit of working with nurses is they often have awesome suggestions on tricks for feeling better or at least getting through your day. Last night, a nurse told me to squirt saline solution up each nostril and let it run out. My dear friend Kate, aka Splenda, uses a netti (neti?) pot every day so this wasn't a completely foreign idea, but I have never done anything like that before. Let me tell you, I could actually breathe again! The nurse's suggestion was to do it once an hour and she stocked me up on supplies. Oh, needless syringes, how I love thee...

Last night when I got home I was going to take a very hot shower and go to bed. There was no hot water so I just went to bed. I slept for a few hours and then woke up even snottier and also a little disorientated. My nose was killing me and I realized there was just no way to go into work and not get fired for yelling at someone or something like that. I claimed the futon and propped up pillows and slept a little bit. This morning I called and asked for any appointment today.

It's allergies. They just knock me down. I got a shot in my hip, which is really a shot in your butt so I don't know exactly why they say that. I got a bag that has about 10 days worth of allergy medicine samples and yet another handful of prescription slips to take into a pharmacy probably next pay day. I was also told that if I don't show signs of improvement very soon, I will need to see an allergist.

I already had a handful of pills to take every morning and now I've got two more to add to the mix. And two nose sprays. Most of the pills can probably be eliminated by losing weight and exercising, which I am doing, but the allergy stuff will probably have a home in my medicine cabinet as long as I live in San Antonio. Today I am considering making a list of other places to move to because holy crap I am miserable.

Say you feel really sorry for me and you live in the area. Feel free to express your empathy with orange juice (well, really any kind of juice), the kind of tissue with lotion in it, cough drops, or a few bottles of water. I'm staying home tomorrow and then will play the rest of the week by ear.

I'm going to take a shower now because I heard a rumor that the hot water is back on. I heart steam.

boring but so lovely to me anyway

This weekend was great! Friday night after finally getting to leave work, Nurse Heather and I got some chips and queso coupled with margaritas. Then I met up with K and we got to catch up about our weeks and stuff. Saturday I never even took a shower. I was a complete bum! Sunday (which is still kind of today since I haven't gone to bed yet) was some more lounging and a meal at IHOP and some shopping at Target with K. He helped me clean up my apartment a little bit. I had a vision of really hardcore cleaning it which we didn't really do, but doing all the laundry and folding it AND putting it away and doing most of the dishes and putting THEM away really made a difference in how I feel about my place and all. I bought a nifty duster thing and cleaned my ceiling fans and cleaned out my fridge. K and I ordered pizza and watched Ninja Warrior and it was all just great. Super non-exciting but I feel refreshed. Actually I'm still a little tired but thankfully the headache I had literally all day on Friday went away and hasn't returned.

So right now I'm going to get another glass of water and go to bed and watch Roseanne until I fall asleep. I'm turning off my phone ringer and sleeping heartily.

just random stuff, the thanksgiving version

I got my bloodwork results today. Everything is fine except my cholesterol. She said it's supposed to be 150 and mine is 177. So a lowfat diet will take care of that, and I already started that so I'm good. My blood pressure is much lower which is also very nice. I got copies of my test results and the weird EKG. I'm going to a cardiologist tomorrow.

My boyfriend is sick. I feel so bad for him but there really isn't a lot I can do. I'd go over to his house and just curl up with him if he had a bigger bed, wouldn't be annoyed, and there was some guarantee I wouldn't also get sick. I figure at this point in the game I'm pretty safe and I also got a flu shot a few weeks ago.

I'm baking a pumpkin pie and making a salad to take to my parents' house on Thursday and trying to think up something to make to K's sister's house. My sister has my other pie pan, so I was thinking a loaf of some sort would be nice and then it wouldn't step on anything that's already there. K and I are at a strange junction where our families assume we will be including each other in the big celebrations but it doesn't seem like we're expected to bring stuff yet. Or maybe it's just that my mom knows I will ask what I should bring or suggest something for me to add and K's family knows I will at least bring a bottle of wine so there's no real discussion needed.

It was super slow at work and one of us needed to go home and I was the least attached to staying there today. So I'm at home. I think I'm going to go and do something productive so it looks like it was worth it to be hanging out at home. :)

yoga

I remember when I was in youth group in about junior high and my youth pastor showed us a video on why yoga is demonic. Today, as I did my beginner's dvd, I thought about that. I guess a determined teacher could kind of bring a class into a trance and plant things in everyone's mind. But I think it's just become a lot more mainstream than that these days. My dvd is a little hokey sometimes, talking about how doing yoga will affect everything including the planet, but the stretching and the breathing and the focusing exercises far outweigh the few instances of giggle-worthy narration.

I have a lot of things on my mind these days and all of them by themselves are fairly stress worthy so combined it is getting a little ridiculous. Taking the time to do something calming and quiet but still active helped me to calm my thoughts tremendously. Nothing is resolved and I have a list of things to do tomorrow in addition to my normal class and work routine, but I feel a little better.

Now, because I was belching like a mofo while doing yoga, I'm going to eat a little something and go to bed.

belly button update

Okay, so no one really cares. But I missed out on sleep last night because of this, so I definitely care.

The gist of it is I had my belly button pierced ages ago and took the jewelery out to let it close up months ago. Last week the hole got a little infected. I attacked it with a vengenace using alcohol, triple antibiotic ointment, and covering it up with bandaids. I'm either allergic to the adhesive in the bandaids or all the activity just irritated my skin and in any case I have a miserable rash. It looks like the eczema I used to get. I looked it up on webmed.com and I've just been cleaning it with gentle soap and using hydrocortisone cream on it to alleviate the itching. It looks AWFUL. It is bright pink and bumpy and disgusting. It's not infected, it seems to be getting better, but it is ITCHY. And also gross. I don't want to scratch it because that will make it worse and I do pretty well with that.

Except for last night while I could have been sleeping. I was constantly waking up because I was scratching and didn't want to be. And then around 5 am I just started crying because I was so itchy and so tired. Imagine my delight at having class and work today.

my work schedule

I officially work from 2:45 pm to 11:15 pm, Monday through Friday. The hours vary a tiny bit here and there but the days don't. When the hours vary, it's because I've finagled my way into going in a little early. I'm all about all the overtime I can get these days. I'm trying to make sure I don't slide into a hole again. Christmas is still going to be lean but luckily no one excepts much from a college student living on her own, even if she is 27 and should be done with college already.

I like coming home late in the evening. It's nice and quiet and calm and the nights have started to get cooler temperature wise even. I like that most of my neighbors are either asleep or winding down and I like coming into my apartment and not turning the tv on for awhile. Somtimes I get sensory overload at work and it's really nice to drive for ten-ish minutes on mostly deserted streets to come home to a quiet apartment. I like that when K comes over, sometimes I can hear him driving up and know it's him.

It's just nice.

...

I have a lot on my mind these days, too much to be able to properly write. As I sort some stuff out, please continue to be patient.

Also, I'm making a list of goals for myself for the year (my birthday is coming up) and was wondering if anyone had any suggestions? Any idea is a good one because I want to have some small things on my list and some things that might just take all year to accomplish. An idea you have of something you think I should accomplish or you yourself are working on might fit on my list perfectly or inspire a new idea too. You can post it in the comments anonymously or email me. Please do!

I'll be back to posting regularly soon. I just needed a little break. Thanks for still checking to see if I've posted anything new!

saturday bonus, kind of. it's a lot of rambling

Well, I am feeling better but still basically crappy. I'm tired of not feeling good, but I am proud to say I haven't just holed up. It's probably part of the reason why I'm still struggling to feel okay. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday so hopefully the doctor will be able to give me some drugs to make my head not hate me anymore. I feel like I had botox or something because there's so much pressure in my forehead it doesn't seem like I can move it. I'm not as 100% sure it's allergies anymore though because K is a little bit sick now. Oh well, we'll start finding out with more certainty on Wednesday!

I had a job interview on Friday morning that seemed to go really well. It's to be a secretary in a different unit of the hospital and it's the opposite schedule of what I have now, so I'd be working into the night. The job seems pretty cool and a little more engaging than the one I have now, but I'm not entirely sure I want to flip my schedule. It'd be more money because there's a shift differential and there's at least a possibility of a raise because of moving to a different department, internal hire and all. I put in a bunch of interview requests to flip my schedule about a month or two ago and didn't really hear back on any of them. There's a lot of reasons, but they make me sound like an idiot so I'm going to skip that explanation. I talked to my boss and to HR and decided that I would simply stay put until September or October and then try again. That way I would be in the same position for at least a year which is more credible for both transferring and for my resume in general. In deciding this, I had a sense of calmness that I didn't really have before about going to work. It's been a rough ride in a few ways. Suddenly in the last two weeks, I've been able to roll my eyes at the bullshit instead of taking it all so personally and I got used to my schedule. Not working at Starbucks has helped a lot in getting enough sleep and having enough energy to come in and be pleasant. I haven't been super stoked to go to work every day, but it hasn't been such drudgery. So, the timing of this interview is bizarre. In any case, I'll know whether or not they even want to hire me by next Friday.

Today is my dad's 50th birthday. It's so weird because my parents do not seem old to me at all. I guess 50 is when you're supposed to start thinking of people as old, but it's not the case for me. I think maybe 70 is old. But when my dad turns 70, I guess I'll have to re-evaluate that assesment too.

And finally, yesterday I re-registered at Weight Watchers. My jeans are getting tight again and I'm tired of seeing pictures of me where I look happy and I know the day was a good one, but still wincing at my overall appearance. I know Weight Watchers works because it helps you just make better choices in general without having to eat certain foods or never getting to have dessert or snacks again. Also, both my parents lost a phenomenal amount of weight and have basically kept it off for a year or two. As soon as I can figure out how to do it ultra-cheap, I want a gym membership too. Something that I am really pleased about is the great recipes I've found online for meals that sound good enough to cook and enjoy with K. He tends to believe the only good vegetables are the ones found on pizza and the smaller cheeseburgers are better because you can taste more grease. We'll see how it all goes! I'm not going to post how much I weigh right now (if I ever do) because I'm embarassed. But I will keep track of how much I lose/gain each week. And as I find amazing recipes and whatnot, I'll be sure to post them too.

That's all! I'm going to go take a nap and do some dishes. I haven't done any dishes this week because I don't feel good, but as I no longer have clean glasses to use, I think it's time to suck it up and just wash away. :)

frustrations in blurb format

Sometime on Sunday, my shower rod fell down. The part that the curtain goes on? It's down on the ground. I tried to figure out how to put it back up and part of it isn't entirely broken but just kind of smushed up and I don't know how you make a shower rod stay up anyway. Your bathroom will get very wet if you take a shower with no curtain up. But if you smell like coffee and various sugar based syrups and live in a humid area, you will quickly get over the floor being wet and enjoy that shower.

I work in a small room that has some large file cabinets, my desk and computer and whatnot, and a copy machine. There is an office off of this room to which the door is always locked. If you ask me if someone is in there and I say no, you won't be able to let yourself in. If someone is in there and the door is closed, perhaps they would prefer to not be available at the moment. Please, think about it for a moment, and then act.

If I was about to mop the floor and you take the mop and say you'll do it and I stand still for a moment looking around to find something else to do, please do not tell me you need for me to be doing something and not just standing around. I WAS doing something until you took the mop. One more week after this one, just one more week.

There are two people that I love very much that are DRIVING ME CRAZY. I don't understand the choices they are making in their situations and I don't understand the general inaction. It is quite possible that I will smack at least one of them upside the head the next time I see them. The other one, I think I might just take a day to not answer my phone and that might be enough for me to stop clenching my jaw so much.

Everything will be fine. Especially if I take a shower and go to bed straight after getting home tonight. How many days do you think I can wear the same clothes to Starbucks before it's an issue? :)

update!

Lots of stuff going on this week... I'll actually be writing posts soon this week, I promise!