the one about being in school and blah

I'm in this strange stage of life where I feel like I'm where I need to be with school and headed toward a career that I'm going to love but still feeling in limbo because I'm not working yet. It seems like most of my friends are in actual careers and kind of more like real adults. I'm married and I have two kids, but it doesn't seem very grown up to be in school. Still. Again. Whatever. But, things just take time sometimes. The first plan was to get into nursing school, complete the LVN program and then begin the RN program as soon as possible. I managed to pull off doing that immediately. At orientation for the Winter quarter on Thursday, I met some fellow RN students and when I was asked when I finished the LVN program and I said Monday, it startled people. In that good kickass way. I think there are four of us who were able to have the GPA to be admitted into this quarter of the RN program. That's not a dig on anyone who didn't make it. Some people chose to start in January and others had the GPA and everything but couldn't get it all coordinated with the various offices you have to go through to get started. I'm still proud though. I accomplished something good. I'm registered to take the state exam for my LVN license. I have some credits taken care of and am hopeful to knock three months off of my program.

I think that right now I feel like I don't have anything to show for my efforts. No one walks around taking manual blood pressures or giving injections or handling someone's body fluids. It would be awkward to carry my stethoscope around. I feel a little unsettled. I will be participating in my graduation ceremony but I feel a little silly inviting people to it (even though I already have talked to a few people) because it isn't a degree. I'm working on the first degree starting next week. And I have a long way to go to be a nurse practitioner. After this program, I'll likely do everything else online. But maybe I can have a party after the RN.

I would like to be in a place where I am happy and not feeling like I'm competing or have to justify where my life is with everyone else. That is super dumb because I am actually happy. I haven't felt this much like my genuine self in a long time. I feel smart again. I love my husband and I adore our children. Money is tight but not unmanageable. I think somehow it doesn't feel like it's enough compared to the people around me that were able to figure this stuff out just such a long time before I did. But how do you ever win when you're in a competition like that anyway?