the one that's just some of this and that

Just some of the random crap going on in my mind...


...I fought super hard to breastfeed S and was miserable while doing it because I never had a good supply. I had to supplement with formula from the get go and finally just switched to all formula when he was a little over four months old. My supply has been super great with A and outside of the first day and a half of his life, haven't had to give him any formula. But the spit up is never ending. I've cut out dairy, caffeine, and leafy greens to see no improvement in the spit up. I had to take my itty bitty for an ultrasound to determine if he needed surgery (which he thankfully doesn't). I have called and texted my cousin who is a relatively new (and completely awesome) lactation consultant and strange hours to ask for advice. I have rebuffed several people telling me to give up. And today, a little past three months in, I really started considering opening up some formula for him. He seemed so unhappy earlier today. I don't know what is best for him. I am thankful we got through the bulk of the flu season unscathed and I think breast feeding was a big help. My goal was just six months anyway because I just kind of want my body back to myself. June seems forever away at the moment. It is so much spit up... But he's happy and he's gaining weight and he has wet and poopy diapers so there's no medical reason to quit. I am thankful that my husband told me to make the decision I needed to make for me and for A and he would support it 100%. It's kind of dumb that it's such a thought process for me. It's deciding which way to feed A, not whether or not he's going to eat anymore.

...A has THE greatest smile. It is huge and it seems like sunshine is just going to pour out of his mouth. And he doesn't share that one with EVERYONE. Most people, yes. But I can tell he saves it for people he knows sometimes.

...The older I get, the quieter I find myself online regarding things like the Defense of Marriage Act. Not because I do not have a strong and what I think is a well thought out opinion, but because I'm not interested in vomiting up my thoughts anymore. I'd rather have a face to face conversation with someone so they know that I really am open to being friends even if we disagree about something and that I'm not just an opinionated asshole.

...I can't believe how much I love Netflix. We got a chunk of unexpected money last fall and put some in savings, went to Costco and stocked up our cabinets, and then splurged on two blu-ray players with wifi. Best splurge in awhile! I have watched a ridiculous amount of tv while feeding A late at night but I am so glad to be able to get rid of cable and still have some tv entertainment.

...It's been three years and I'm solidly comfortable in my role as a wife and with having changed my name. I don't feel awkward with referring to myself as either anymore. I don't think it actually took three years, but I just noticed it recently. I wish things were different with my inlaws but I still have hope we can be closer some day. Something about having the second baby made K very comfortable with my parents and calling them or talking to them without feeling like he has to talk to me first. I love that!

...I really like having two boys. My oldest is so funny! I love it when he cracks other people up too. I feel more validated in thinking he's awesome sauce that way. They adore each other and I'm glad for them to grow up together. I just hope I can do right by them as I raise them. 

newsletter: month 3

Dear Asher,

Three months and I feel like we are really getting to know each other. It's tricky how this whole motherhood thing works. I carried you for nine months and felt like I did a lot to actually take care of you before you joined us on the outside. But, I still had introduce myself to you when you were born. At first, it's all about eating and sleeping. Now you're more alert and interested in what's going on around you and I know you know me, Daddy, and Samson. There are a few other people in our lives that you also know and always have huge smiles for too. I'm so glad to get to see better and better pieces of who you really are!

Your name means happy and blessed and we 100% got that right for you. You smile with your whole body and often. You have an open mouth grin that is infectious and completely adorable. You are exclusively breastfed and have been spitting up A LOT. One of the questions that I've been asked several times is if you are in any apparent discomfort. That's the thing. You spit up so much that I have to change your clothes because they are just completely wet and then you grin at me.

That's not to say you don't cry. Sometimes I just have to hold you and talk softly in your ear while you cry because I'm not sure how to fix the problem. I know when you're tired at the end of the day, you need me to take you to the back of our house where it's dark and calm so you can finish winding down. I know that even a five minute bath with water I meant to be warmer will thoroughly soothe you. I know you like me to hold you close and jostle you a little when you're upset. I know you don't cry to just cry. There's some sort of an issue making you uncomfortable and I do my best to work fast and fix it for you.

You are my second born which means you'll get your fair share of hand me downs from your older brother. I'm making sure to get clothes that are new to you as well but some of the clothes I had for Samson are so freaking cute that I'm dressing you in them too. But you are going through them much faster than he did! The two of you have very different body types. We've already been given clothes for you that are based on your brother's interests and I want to do my best to always treat the two of you as complete individuals. Hopefully you'll grow up with feeling any pressure to like the things he does.

I am happy and blessed for having you in my life, Asher. I've officially known you for three months now and I'll never be the same person I was before you were born. I love you very much!

Love,
Mama

the one where i make meatloaf

We've made a concentrated effort to eat at home significantly more than we eat out anywhere. This is going well, for the most part. K picked up a few tacos on his way home last night and he ended up talking to one of the waitresses about breastfeeding and they said, "See you tomorrow!" so maybe it's not going as well as it should!

But, here's a fantastic recipe for meatloaf. Meatloaf is meaty and loafy so you kind of either like it or you don't. And everyone has a recipe they swear is more delicious than the one you normally eat. This is my version of that! It's based on The Pioneer Woman's Favorite Meatloaf. It's slightly modified to save a little cash and a little grease.

Ingredients:
 Meatloaf:

1 cup milk
4-6 slices of white bread (I use 4 of Texas Toast because I like making meatloaf sandwiches on Texas Toast with the leftovers)
1 pound ground beef
1 pound ground pork
1 heaping cup grated parmesan cheese
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
2 tsp garlic powder
1 bunch minced parsley
4 eggs, beaten

Sauce:
1 1/2 cups ketchup
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 tsp dry mustard (or a squirt of yellow mustard)
Tabasco to taste

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350.
2.  Pour the milk over the slices of bread. Let sit for several minutes.
3. Add the meat, parmasan cheese, salt, pepper, garlic powder, parsley, and eggs to the bowl with the milk soaked bread. Mix together thoroughly. Clean hands work the best!
4. Form the mixture into a loaf and put it on a broiler pan.
5. Spread about 1/3 of the sauce on top. Bake for 45 minutes at 350. Spread an additional 1/3 of the sauce on top and bake 15 more minutes. Save the last 1/3 for dipping after the meatloaf is done.
6. Serve! It is delicious with something cheesy on the side or classic mashed potatoes too!