...

I just got a new computer, thanks to my very generous parents. They upgraded and cleaned out some closets and made me and K a very nice deal. We had already started socking money away into a new computer fund so we're halfway there and because it's my parents, we already have all the new to us gear.

I get really excited about having new gadgets and technology. And I'm really excited about the new computer because I feel like I enter into the realm of Internet sharing that everyone else has been a part of for years now. YouTube. Skype. I'm just a happy girl.

...

Him: I need some boxes so I can wrap your Christmas presents. Do you think they have them here?

Me: Yes, the next aisle over.

Him: Hmmm.... I'm not sure which ones to get.

Me: Why don't you tell me what you got and I'll help you get the right size of box?

Him: You're ridiculous.

Me: Just trying to help.

Him: Oh, these lingerie boxes will probably work. But I'm not going to put lingeire in them.

Me; Your loss.

newsletter: month 9

Dear Samson,

I just laid you down in your crib with my fingers crossed that you'll stay asleep until at least 7 am. First you were asleep on my chest for about an hour and a half because every time I moved, your little eyes would pop open and you'd cry a little bit until I got you calmed back down and asleep. I am certain that some people would criticize the fact that I don't have you cry it out in your crib very often. You're not on a strict schedule and I don't worry very much about things like that. Sometimes when I can't get you to stay asleep in your crib I wonder if I should change things. But then I start to think about how incredibly quickly the past nine months have gone by and I just try to soak everything I can up. Right now, you will cuddle with me and sleep all over me. Right now, I am completely hysterical because I make silly faces and sounds and startle you. Right now, I can kiss you all over your sweet little face without much complaining on your end. I suspect that although I will always want to kiss you all over your sweet little face, it won't really be much longer before you revolt. So, for right now, I'm trying to savor all the times you want just me to hold you until you're relaxed enough to sleep.

Something that is great about being a new parent is getting to experience so many things for the first time again in a way. Daddy and I are so excited to have your first Christmas with you! It's going to be a lot of fun because we think you are just old enough to get the hang of unwrapping paper off of boxes and we know you're going to love the toys we got you. We got to go buy stockings for our whole little family so they'd be ready for Santa to fill on Christmas Eve. Getting ornaments out makes me so excited to see what ornaments we'll be buying for you over the years to mark accomplishments and interests. It's just all so exciting!

You are a little crawling machine who enjoys finding things that no one thought were accessible to play with. You crawl up on all fours unless you want to go really fast and that's when you drop down to an army crawl and swiftly take off, usually down the hallway at our house. You are also pulling yourself up on everything and anything you can and taking a few careful and guided steps along furniture. Sometimes you'll be in the middle of the room and it looks like you're going to just stand up without the aid of anything at all. I kind of think you can, but am glad that you always just drop back down and crawl over to something that has caught your eye. You are only nine months old. There is plenty of time for walking and running later!

I love you like crazy, little man. You are truly a fun little kid and I'm so lucky to be your mama. Here's to month 10 and I suspect the two additional little teeth in that cute mouth of yours!

Love, Mama

seven quick takes

1. My little guy, who is not yet eight months old, is pulling himself up to stand where ever and whenever he can. Last night, in fact, I went to check on him in his crib because he was crying and he was standing in the corner of his crib holding on to the railing crying. The mattress is getting lowered tonight, folks. I knew that I needed to when the other day I went in to get him in the morning and he was sitting up with his hands on the rail. His learning curve startles me quite a bit. He's so deliberate with his actions and movements. It's completely fascinating to watch. P.S. He's now wearing size 18 month clothes.

2. I completely love reconnecting with people on Facebook. It makes me so happy to catch up with someone I haven't talked to in years! It's kind of tricky sometimes now though because my married name is very different than my maiden name. I quickly realized that if I kept my married name as my middle name and listed it, people would just not even try to say my married name. So I'm just Melissa Calo-oy everywhere and gently correct people when they say it wrong, or know it's me when someone is standing up saying "Uh...Melissa?" rather than Mrs. Calo-oy. But I make sure that my profile picture is me or at least as me in it so if someone happens to be looking for me, they can kind of see it's ME.

3. The losing weight thing is not going so great these days. It's not so much a plateau as it is a seeming inability to give up Dr. Pepper and not walking or exercising as much as I had been just a short time ago. I'm slowly starting back up again with walking at least once a day and taking S out so we can both get some fresh air and vitamin D. And I'm not giving up. I'm just irritated with myself. I understand that to lose weight I just need to consume less calories than I burn each day. It helps that I have jeans that fit better so I can feel when I lose a tiny bit... I don't want to go clothes shopping too much though because really, I need to lose such a significant amount of weight that I want to go shopping when it'll be a little more fun to buy clothes. And the baby stretches out the necks in all my shirts and I'm not ready to buy new ones just for them to get all stretched out again. I was thinking the other day that at S's first birthday party it would be fun to have a bunch of pictures out in a recap of the year and if I lose 30-40 pounds before March then I would get tons of compliments because it would be such a huge difference from right after he was born. Yes, I am shallow enough that this could work as decent motivation. But you know what? Already I've lost and kept off 52 pounds from the time he was born. That's nothing to sneeze at, it's just not as noticeable when you still have a lot to lose.

3. S will be 8 months old tomorrow. K and I are already daydreaming about his first birthday party. We're having it at our house and it'll be pretty low key except for the fact we are inviting a ridiculous amount of people. We won't be trying to top it when he turns 2 or anything! It'll be a BBQ or something similar with cake and whatnot and kids will be welcome of course but I don't know how many kids will actually be there. But we want everyone to come celebrate with us. It'll be so exciting for S to turn one but it'll also be so exciting to me and K that we survived the first year of being parents! Our first year of marriage was so crazy and we're starting to settle down a little bit and we feel like it's a good opportunity to be really excited about something and have a bunch of people over to be excited with us. K wants to make fliers that say "Samsonpalooza" We'll see.

4. I love Twitter and wish I knew more people in real life who used it. You can find me at www.twitter.com/meljamc.

5. The only thing I liked about my last job was on the weekends when the cooks would let me cook my own food. They showed me little grill cooking tricks like putting a little butter or oil on a bun and setting it on the grill to toast up. I think it would be kind of fun to get to cook like that all the time, with a huge grill right in front of you that was super hot. I would hate to have the hours that those guys did though. My hours as a food service operator sucked ass and they were always there when I got there and still there as I was leaving.

6. I really truly hope that one day I live in a spot where it gets cooler and stays cooler once Fall hits. Although sometimes I think with global warming that it's not going to be like that anywhere for much longer. I don't know, but the weather seems to act differently than it did when I was a kid. It's hard to say how much of that is fact and how much if that is me paying attention in a different way as an adult.

7. Sometimes at night, my husband will be snoring on one side of me and I will hear the baby snoring on the monitor on the other side of me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. They're my two favorite guys, you know.

we're like good times that haven't happened yet

Last night, K and I went to go see Bob Schneider at Floore's Country Store. This is one of our favorite things to do and we really try to go see him every time he plays. We love his music and we also really love Floore's. We had even considered renting it out and getting married there, which I'm sure would have been quite the conversation fodder for my California family especially. There's boots hanging from the ceiling and a ginourmous Texas flag behind the stage. It would have been kind of awesome, but I'm still happy with what our ceremony was.

I love live music. I used to go to shows all the time and every time I get the chance now, I am flooded with memories of other live music events and the desire to add to the list as much as possible. It's tougher now. Southern California was an optimal place to live for going to shows, big and small. San Antonio is not so much. It's a big city, but generally artists go to Dallas, Houston, or Austin when they come through Texas. There's smaller venues, like Floore's, but it's trickier to get it all set up to be able to go out with the baby now. I'm basically content going to see Bob as much as we can here in Helotes and I'd like to see Dave Matthews Band and Ani DiFranco the next time they come through the state if I can. We'll see!

It's so much fun to me to watch other people enjoying the live music in various ways. There's people who crowd the stage, there's those with cameras, there's those who are so engrossed in conversations they seem oblivious to the music, there's those who dance, there's those who watch those who dance... And then watching the band is great too. Just because a song sounds great doesn't mean the band is really into it that night and vice versa. I like watching the small interactions between the musicians and sometimes the sound guy/gal.

Last night was another little milestone for us because we left S with a non-family baby-sitter. Everything went fine but as with any new thing I was a bit nervous. S was of course still up when we got home. I guess he went to sleep but then woke up a couple of hours later and was inconsolable. It just took about thirty minutes to get him back to sleep and he didn't wake up again until this morning. It's a strange thing to leave your baby at home or with someone else. I want everything to go smoothly, but at the same time there is a small piece of me that wants him to miss me a little bit. I want him to have grand adventures as a baby, a kid, and as an adult, but I want him to want to tell me about them right away. And I guess right now the version of that is him stubbornly staying awake until I get home. Hopefully soon it will just be a delighted smile and squeal when he sees that it's me in the morning. Being a mom is tricky. Hard, awesome, tiring, and fulfilling all at the same time.

Maybe we can have a regular date night again because that would be really great for me and K. Yay for free and cheap baby-sitting!

humpday happiness

A small list of things making me happy these days...

...S sits up on his own now! It's adorable because sometimes he's just so darn proud of himself.
...friends that have rolled up their sleeves and worked hard to help me and K
...friends who will just listen to me sometimes
...meeting a bunch of K's family that I had never met before!
...Five Guys cheeseburger. I would happily spend an entire week's worth of bonus Weight Watcher points on one meal there.
...doing things I've never done before, and doing them fairly well!
...Dr. Pepper. This is making me way too happy actually. I need to cut waaaaay back. Sigh. :)
...thinking about things to do when a very good CA friend comes to visit at some point or another!
...how happily S will watch Wonderpets even if the show does annoy me quite a bit
...Mary Kay sales! (www.marykay.com/melissacalo-oy --hint hint)
...having plans for a hair cut this weekend!
...TWO DAYS UNTIL OUR ONE YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!
...returning things I don't need in order to get things I DO need and feeling like I somehow just got a bunch of stuff for free!
...it's actually cooling down a bit! Now if the humidity will kindly calm itself down...
...strong fingernails
...my husband, just in general

newsletter: month 6

Dear Samson,

Time is really flying by, because you are six months old! That means in six months we'll be having a party to celebrate your first birthday! I better start writing down plans now so it doesn't completely sneak up on me.

You, my friend, are completely adorable. I get stopped every single time I go out in public. At least one stranger will tell me how cute you are. You've gotten a little stingy with the smiles for strangers, but I think that's actually really reasonable. People tell me that you should be a little model. Honestly, I don't even know how to go about seeing if that's a possibility. I'm fine if the only pictures we have of you are the ones Daddy and I take. And you can be as stingy with your smiles as you want as long as I still get those little grins.

Six months ago I was terrified I was going to mess something up and you would get taken away or I would get in trouble. Who or under what authority this was going to happen was a moot point. I just wanted to make sure I was doing everything right. You were so new and fragile and I was so tired and sore that somehow I felt immense pressure to make sure everything was just right. Sometimes people would offer to do things and I felt like I couldn't accept it because I had to be able to do everything myself first. I tried to be polite when I declined but now I would like to go and explain that I've relaxed and if anyone ever wants to take the carrier, me and my back will gratefully take the break. But you know, I have to say I'm glad that I was determined to get everything down. I got to practice changing diapers on you when you were newborn and you'd scream your head off but basically stay still. Now, you're much happier but also much wigglier. I promise you, there's nothing to explore on the changing table. You don't have to roll over and reach every single time.

We've got a pretty good groove going. Daddy is working two jobs and you and I hang out at home or run errands. Daddy and I are working on getting the three of us into our own place and that should happen very soon. You're such a little trooper, hanging out with me while I clean or prep for painting or whatever at the new house. And car rides have gotten much better. You can entertain yourself by moving the canopy on your car seat but sometimes you'll cry when the sun gets in your eyes. I feel like this is the first of many many things I set up for you in a specific way on purpose and you stubbornly change only to "get the sun in your eyes" again. We'll see. It's just sometimes I see so much of myself in you I want to apologize profusely. I hope I can teach you how to handle yourself sooner than I figured out how to handle myself.

You sit up by yourself now, you can get up on all fours and then accidentally push yourself backwards when you're reaching for something in front of you, you eat baby food like gangbusters, you can reach for a bottle and kind of guide it to your mouth, you know how books "work" (you look to the right for the next page to appear), you LOVE your Grover doll, and you are the sweetest snuggler I know.

September is an important month for us. It's your half birthday and it's also me and Daddy's wedding anniversary month! We will have been married for one year this Saturday! We didn't get married only because we found out I was pregnant. We loved each other very much and tried to make our wedding as separate of an event from my pregnancy as we could. We decided we wanted all three of us to have the same last name when you were born and September was kind of a cool month to have our anniversary. August is my birth month. September is our wedding anniversary. October is Daddy's birth month. November is Thanksgiving. December is Christmas. January is New Year's. February is Valentine's Day and March is your birth month. When we decided to get married, we had a few goals for ourselves. One near the top was to make sure there was always enough love in our house that you would never feel like you forced us to get married. That wasn't the case at all. I don't know how many other people understand that and it doesn't even matter much. What matters is that you, Daddy, and I all know how it really happened. You have been the best surprise I could have ever thought of and I had no idea I had all of this love in my heart. Even more unexpectedly, I love Daddy more than I ever have and I love him in all kinds of new ways because of you being in our lives.

You burst onto the scene six months ago, Samson, and there's not a day that I am not ridiculously thankful for the pure joy you have brought into my life.

I love you.

Love, Mama

humpday happiness

A list of things making me happy lately!

...the ridiculous amount of rain making the skies gorgeous
...my son practicing facial expressions at very random times
...losing a little bit of weight every single week since I started Weight Watchers
...the new muscle definition in my arms, even if I'm basically the only one who can see it
...watching movies in bed with my husband
...thinking about this time last year
...my baby said "mama" the other day!
...talking to my sister on the phone and hearing a chorus of "Hi Auntie!" in the background
...the fact I basically celebrated my birthday for a month
...eating at The Cove
...planning the next trip to The Cove
...working on the house we're going to be renting

movie review monday: the book of eli

The Book of Eli

Rated: R

Violence, sexual situations suggested, general unhappiness, and no one has any soap

I have this friend who told me that Denzel Washington is a good actor, but he plays the same part in every movie. He's a guy on a mission who is misunderstood and ultimately triumphs. The only movie we could think of that this is not the case is Training Day. And I have to say, The Book of Eli basically follows the Denzel Washington format.

It's post-apocalyptic America and it's miserable and communicated clearly through a monochromatic set up. Eli is on a journey westward and doing his best to survive without knowing where he can get water from, when hijackers will attempt to rob or kill him, or exactly what he will find once he gets as far west as he can get.

Gary Oldman once again plays a villainous sort who is sending out bikers in search of a Bible even though they don't know how to read. He wants to have a Bible so he can have greater control over more people. Of course, Eli has one in his possession and they meet up and it gets tricky, ugly, and a little bloody.

Overall, I would say the movie was decent. I'm glad I watched it at home rather than having seen it in a theater. The concept was interesting and I'm curious to see if there will be a sequel.

I'm surprised I haven't heard more about this movie from Christian circles because it has a pretty powerful theme and conclusion that I would think could be considered tailor made for sermons. At one point Eli says he spent so much time protecting the Bible and just reading it that he forgot to live what it said.

Five stars being I must own this movie because I NEED to watch it multiple times and one star being this movie essentially wasted my time, I give The Book of Eli three stars.

I'd be interested to hear your opinion on this one. Feel free to include spoilers in the comments as they won't be spoilers to me!

the world ends without a tragedy

I miss writing.

I really do.

I miss reading too.

I, for the most part, really enjoy my life these days. There's a lot of challenges and there are a few things that make me want to bang my head on the wall because they are basically stupid situations that I am not in control of that will change for the better EVENTUALLY but nowhere near what I would make the time line be if I was in charge. But really, overall, things are good.

I am uncomfortable with the idea of people using this blog and what I post on Facebook to feel that they are caught up on my life. It's a fraction. And usually, it's not the actual big stuff.

Big stuff is messy and involves other people and is generally not appropriate for general consumption.

I had a good balance of writing regularly and sharing appropriately for awhile.

Let's see if I can get it back.

newsletter: month 5

Dear Samson,

Okay, you've been five months old for almost a week. I'm not a total slacker, I've just had some trouble thinking about what I want to tell you about specifically this month. So much has happened and so much is going on! Occasionally someone will ask me if I just want to freeze you where you are right now. I don't. Every time you do something new or something adorable and I think it just can't possibly get better or there's no way there's going to be another thing for me to excitedly tell someone about, there is. I am trying to savor all the moments that I can but you're such a neat little kid that I am looking forward to your future.

For example, this month you got to start eating solids. I don't know why they say "solids" because it's about as pureed as you can get. We started with rice cereal and then after we established you didn't have any problems with it we got to add peas and now we're on green beans. One new food a week so if there's any reactions I know exactly what food to avoid in the future is so boring. It's necessary but I feel a little bad. Luckily you don't actually know that there are a million kinds of food out there and you have no idea what you're missing by not getting to have a little garlic on those green beans. Next week we'll move to the orange vegetables and after that we get to do fruits.

Daddy and I both LOVE to cook and we love to eat, quite frankly. We have grand plans for you, Samson. We want you to grow up eating American, Mexican, Japanese, Thai, Indian, and whatever else kind of food we can think of. We are always experimenting with new recipes and trying new restaurants when we can afford it and thinking of foods you can grow up with that we have regularly in our household. You often sit in the kitchen with me as I cook and I hope that's something we continue for a long time.


This month, Daddy and I got to go to a wedding. It was our first big date night since you were born and we asked Grandma and Papa to babysit months in advance. We got all dressed up and kissed you goodbye and celebrated our friends' new marriage. We had a great time and then were surprised to find you awake when we got home close to midnight! Grandma said she had gone through your bedtime routine and about three quarters of the way through, you looked up at her and realized she wasn't me and that's when she knew you weren't going to sleep. I happily took over the attempts at getting you to sleep and let me tell you my friend, it was a long night. You were exhausted but you were a little mad at us for leaving you behind. After kind of yelling for about an hour, you had yourself wrapped around my arm and finally conked out.

Just last week, Daddy and I went to a party for his step-mom. You actually were asleep when we got home. You woke up pretty early and when I went in to check on you, you actually squealed with happiness to see me. It was adorable! I changed your diaper and got you a bottle and we went to the bedroom where you saw Daddy sleeping and squealed again! I had to wake him up so he could talk to you because you were just so excited to see us both. Someday, like when you're a teenager, and you don't want to hang out with me anymore, I'll remember the little toothless version of you that literally squealed with happiness just to see me in your room.

I love you, Samson. I love being your mom. I'm regularly covered in spit up, have baby food crusted on my hands, change toxic diapers, and am getting toned arms from carrying you everywhere. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because I also get these little grins, big giggles, and nuzzles from you. Having a kid is the hands down hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're my favorite little guy, Daddy is my favorite big guy, and together the three of us are a pretty great little family.

Happy five months!

Love, Mama.

newsletter: month 4

Dear Samson,

Holy crap, so much happened this month that I feel that I need to take notes during this next month so I don't forget to mention anything! There are really truly days that I put you down for a nap and could swear you got bigger by the time I pick you up from the crib again. And that's just the purely physical part of your growth. It's amazing. I feel so blessed to be able to spend so much time with you and witness all of this development. Lately, through a variety of circumstances, your dad and I have met some people that for various reasons aren't around their kids much. I could do it if the situation meant the betterment of our family in some way. But I'm so glad I just get to scoop you up in my arms every day.

You are four months old today. Although I started catching glimpses of your personality from the first time I held you, I think this past month your core has really come out. So far I'd characterize you as about as mellow as your dad for your default but you've got the same stubborn streak I do. Oh Samson, I'm sorry. For you, and for me, really.

One day I was outside cleaning the car. I had the baby monitor in the garage so I could hear you but after you woke up from your nap, Grandma volunteered to play with you so I could finish up outside. After a little bit I could hear you crying. She's pretty good with a crying baby so I stayed outside a bit longer and then I realized the other piece to the monitor was still in your room and you were in the living room and I could hear you crystal clear. I got everything off the driveway and went inside. Grandma was changing your diaper and you were SCREAMING. I talked to you and you immediately calmed down when you heard my voice. But when I picked you up, you started up with the crying again! Grandma said that I used to do the same thing. You got what you wanted, but you had to punish me a bit for getting you so upset in the first place.

I think you're teething, even though you're kind of little for that. But you produce about a ton of drool a day and constantly have your fingers in your mouth. Or a stuffed animal. Or a blanket. Actually, that's your favorite. I really like handing you a blanket or burp cloth because your intense concentration as you carefully maneuver your hands to grab a hold of it and immediately snatch it up to your chest is kind of amazing and completely adorable to watch. I'm curious to see if you stick with the blankets or eventually choose a favorite stuffed animal. In the meantime, Daddy and I are having a good time naming all the animals.

You and I have had a bunch of problems breastfeeding the past couple of weeks and I'm not going to get into all the details because you're a boy and most likely don't care at all about this. We've worked through everything, for the most part, and then yesterday you just went on strike. You just held out for a bottle. All day as I kept trying to get you to nurse and then eventually gave up and got you bottles, I debated whether or not it was such a bad thing. I could just give you formula full-time and then I could eat cheese again. I'm not sure what we're going to do quite yet actually. It's a complicated decision to make. But at the end of the night, you were laying kind of diagonally across my chest. I was rubbing your back and you sleepily looked up at me. I told you I loved you and tomorrow would be a better day and you gave me the sweetest smile of your life. It's so crazy that as a mom I can have a ridiculously rough day trying to take care of you the best I know how and feel like I'm just failing miserable and those feelings of inadequacy can be erased in the split second of your eye contact and smile. Thank you, Samson.

I'm glad I'm your Mama, even when you roll your eyes at me. Here's to the next month and more adventures!

Love, Mama

bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do?

"Is it the sticker? Because I seriously am getting a new one today."

"No ma'am. You do need a new sticker, but I'll give you 20 days for that. You were speeding."

"Oh. It's a new to me car that I'm still getting used to. I guess this oughta do it."

laughter "I suppose so. Here's your ticket. Have a nice day."

humpday happiness!

Just in under the wire!

A list of things making me happy...

...S's giggles! I am not particularly successful at earning them but they are a delight to listen to when the grandparents bring them out!
...the sound system in my car.
...being able to comfort my son.
...my husband busting his hump to take care of our family.
...nasal rinses.
...sparkling water, now and forevermore
...new Mary Kay catalogs in my hot little hands!
...text messages
...reading blogs on my phone
...COUSIN PICTURES!
...hanging out with my sister and our babies
...hurricane season as experienced in San Antonio
...the sound of cicadas
...tweaking Facebook privacy controls
...playing with Twitter
...my wedding band is getting looser
...I've lost a total of 54 pounds since March
...nursing my baby, even if it does mean no cheese
...green tea lemonade from the Bux
...new eyeglasses!
...new contacts!
...strong fingernails
...having good songs stuck in my head
...hot showers

seven quick takes

1. Never have I known the pleasure of a hot shower like I do now, as a mother of a small child. For whatever reason, spit up doesn't really gross me out, I can handle being peed on (it's usually my fault for bad diaper placement anyway), I get extra sweaty lugging the baby carrier around, and generally get pretty gross by the end of the day. But it's really only after getting S fed and asleep that I have the opportunity to take a shower. And sometimes there's just too many other loose ends to tie up for the day for me to feel alright about taking a shower. But when I do get in there and let the hot water just pound on my head for a few minutes, it's heavenly. Eventually I'll get back to shaving my legs, doing a round of body wash, and exfoliating my face all in one shower. For now it's maybe one of those in addition to the standard shampoo and soap. I start thinking I can hear S crying and even if someone else is on the listen-out for that, it takes away some of the fun of enjoying that shower. But seriously. Best shower of my life was the first one after delivering him and now it's something that brings me a lot more joy than it used to.

2. I want to lose ten more pounds before my doctor appointment at the end of next month. I know that if I really bust my ass, I can do it. The problem I guess is how to do that exactly. Every time I nurse S, I get hungry. I have been trying to figure out when I can work out a little bit but get stuck because I can come up with a work out time and come up with a shower time, but there is a lot of stuff that happens inbetween and I don't know if I'm okay with that. I might be... But I don't know. I need to figure this out though because after that ten pounds is another 90 to go.

3. I hope K and I have all boys. If we have a girl, I won't be disappointed, but I'm just saying. I never thought I'd think anything like that. And I may change my mind depending on how many bugs I fish out of S's pockets when he gets older and I'm doing laundry.

4. My sister and her family are moving and it makes me really sad. I haven't mentioned it much because I don't really want to talk about it exactly. I don't completely understand their reasoning but I hope it goes well for them and they are happier. But I will miss her terribly. We are finally, actually, real friends. Not awful to each other, not tolerating each other, but genuine friends. And now she's leaving.

5. Which brings me to my next brief thought... I really need some more friends in San Antonio. I need more friends who are moms and can just relate to the spit up and baby clothes debates and formula vs breast feeding and wondering if you can possible continue taking this many pictures forever and does it make you not as great of a mom if you can't. I need more women to talk to about family and sleep deprivation. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. :)

6. I don't have the attention span I used to. I thought it would slowly come back, but so far not so much. It drives K crazy. I can't sit and watch a movie with him. I either need a break in the middle of it to do something else, or I have to just be doing something else pretty much the whole time the movie is on. Weird.

7. I miss my truck a little bit because it's the vehicle I'd driven the longest, but I have to say having a car rocks. The stroller is in the trunk which is so handy, and it's nice that I can offer to give people rides again. Except the driver's seat doesn't adjust so someone with short legs would need to sit directly behind me. Or maybe we can move the baby's seat over...

tick tock

me: S likes music, but only the fast stuff. 96.1 is better than KLOVE right now.

my sis: That's funny. Most babies like the slow stuff.

me: I know, right? Slow stuff makes him cry. It has to be fast. Except Ke$ha makes him cry.

my sis: Yeah, I have the same reaction.

humpday happiness!

Here's a list of things from the recent days making me happy...

...dinner with my hubby tonight!
...a chance to connect with K while we were BOTH awake, lucid, and full of things to share with each other
...dove chocolates with peanut butter
...the faint scent of milk, baby lotion, and contentment in the air when I go to sleep at night.
...a baby with a gorgeous smile
...setting goals that are daunting but still realistic
...making future plans with K
...my parents celebrating 31 years of marriage today!
...making pizzas with the munchkins the other day. Who knew they both loved pineapple that much!
...strangers telling me S is cute when we are out and about
...my amazingly comfortable bed and pillows
...sparkling water. Forevermore, my friends. Forevermore.
...having a car instead of a truck (even though I miss the truck a little)
...genuinely liking my family
...homecooked Mexican food at my mother-in-law's house
...S's one tiny little birth mark on his shoulder
...baby burps
...watching The O.C. again
...feeling hopeful about things to come rather then just stuck where I am
...all the babies in our family! My cousin just added another one on Friday!
...the way my baby niece and my son connect without words
...getting to borrow my sister's rug shampooer and attacking the cars tomorrow
...being acclimated to Texas weather and thinking 80 degree evenings are nice
...text messages
...playing Words With Friends
...feeling like I just may be able to handle starting to read actual grown up books again soon
...my parents adoring my son so much
...jeans getting too big!

don't stop thinkin about tomorrow

I have three personal goals I want to work on inbetween diaper changes and feedings. I think two of them require a daily effort and the third requires at least a weekly effort.

1. I want to lose 100 pounds by this time next year. This is not an impossible task and allows me to go at a healthy rate of 1-2 pounds a week. But it is not an easy task for me to lose weight. In the past, I have lost thirty or so pounds easily and then essentially given up and gained it all back. Since S was born, I've lost 53 pounds and haven't gained anything back. I have some weeks where I haven't lost anything but at least the scale is either holding steady or going down. In order to meet my goal, I need to exercise and keep an eye on what I eat. I think making a quick announcement on this blog or on Facebook each week will help keep me accountable. And if I hit a big plateau, I'm definitely going back to Weight Watchers. We are just trying to save as much money as possible so I'm trying to go as long as possible without paying for help in this particular endeavor.

2. I want to write at least 3 times a week in an effort to get back into the habit so I can start writing my book. If for nothing else, I would like to write a detailed account of my experience as a high risk mama and my hospital stay for S's birth. After I get going on it, really going, I'll research ways to see about getting it published. I think it'll be cathartic to write it all out and finish a big project I've just given myself and interesting to see about getting it published. It's been a goal for a very long time to have a book on the shelves of Barnes and Noble. If this book isn't it, at least I'll come away from the experience having a good idea how to make it happen at some point.

3. I want a solid Mary Kay business. I'm not sure about being a director just yet but I do think it can be a source of income for my family that allows me to mostly stay home with the baby. I placed an order tonight for catalogs and samples and I have an idea of who and how to send them out. If I put some weekly effort into this, for now at least, I think it could be a very good thing. If you're interested, you can check out my web site or email me anytime. I'm very non-pushy and I know a lot about the products because I genuinely like them.

That's all I've got for now!

newsletter: month 3

Dear Samson,

You've been three months old for two days now which means I'm a tiny bit behind. Being a mom is a busy job! You're currently napping, so I figure I've got just enough time to write you about this last month.

We were busy busy busy! A few things happened. I started to trust that you are mellow and flexible enough to handle more time out of the house. We've got feedings down and you are fantastically adaptable to nursing with a cover or having a bottle of breast milk or formula. Well, once I figured out that me cutting out dairy and switching you to soy formula was necessary to curb the projectile spit up incidents anyway. I figured out how to put the stroller in the cab of the truck in a way that got it in AND out easily so we could avoid worrying about sudden Texas rain storms and the stroller being in the bed of the truck. And I gained confidence in my ability to pack a well stocked diaper bag. You and I started spending more time out of the house here and there. We go grocery shopping, visit the library, and go see Daddy at work. Good times, good times. Even more exciting though is that you, me, and Daddy went to California! Before you were even three months old, you'd been on multiple flights. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Grandma came with us too, and we all stayed at Grandmommie's house. You got to meet a LOT of family, go to In-N-Out with me and Daddy repeatedly, walked around in San Francisco all day, met some of my friends, and we even got to go to an almond factory (Grandmommie lives in the almond capital of the world). Mighty Samson is a mighty traveler! I think there were points were I was more fussy about having to get back in the car to go somewhere than you were. It was great fun getting to show you off to so many people and also getting to introduce Daddy to family in California.

You are growing and developing like crazy! You've rolled over on your own three times now and I think you're starting to see how to do it on purpose. You sleep in a crib now. If I hand you a stuffed animal, you will eventually get your arms around it to hug it. You like music, but only the fast stuff. And you smile like crazy. I think me and Daddy get the most smiles out of everyone, but you are generally pretty free with those gorgeous smiles. You've got a little squeal that sometimes accompanies the smile and I think it's kind of a giggle precursor. You coo and grunt and will respond to me talking to you with sounds that make me think you understand everything I'm telling you about. Everything is happening so fast! It's exciting and makes my heart just swell with love and pride. I can't even explain that properly. It's so cliche to say, but you'll understand someday when you're a parent.

Just before we went to California, you had a doctor's appointment that included some vaccinations. I think they are really important and I myself get vaccines when they are available to me. You did okay with the actual shots and didn't have any reactions afterwards but it was still a difficult appointment for me. You're so little and you don't know anything except for what we've shown you. When the nurse came in and got your legs ready for the shots, you just thought it was another nice lady who was going to smile at you and make a big deal about how adorable you are. She did, but she also gave you three shots. She got the first two in lightening fast because it took you a second to realize what was happening. You had such a startled look on your face before you started crying in pain and surprise that it hurt my heart a little bit. I think that's a big part of being a mom that no one can really prepare me for. I have to stand by or hold your hand while you get hurt because it's better for you in the long run.

Here's to future months, Samson. There's so much more to come! And hopefully my letters will get a little less sappy and a little more funny. You give me lots of fodder with your impressive farting and burping skills but I somehow get distracted by everything else when I sit down to write.

I love you. Thank you for causing my heart to grow bigger and bigger each month so it can continue to barely contain all the love I have for you.

Love,
Mama

newsletter: month 2

Dear Samson,

Today, you are two months old! You've been around long enough to make me wonder what I ever did without you but it's been short enough that I wonder how time is going by so incredibly quickly. Everyone always talks about time flying after you have kids, but I thought it took awhile to start doing that. In the past month you've outgrown clothes, gone up a diaper size, and started smiling on purpose. Daddy and I have figured out the best way to get the stroller in and out of our vehicles without cussing too much, how to stock the diaper bag, and how long you can be in your car seat before you start to temporarily lose your mind. It's been a good month!

The smile thing is my favorite though. It starts in your eyes and sometimes it takes a bit of encouragement for it to reach your mouth but when it does, it's amazing every single time. You have a little half smile (you even alternate sides) up to a full on grin complete with nose scrunch. It's adorable. You are adorable. It makes my heart so happy to see you smile! It makes me almost just as happy to see you light up someone else with your gorgeous smile. You're just quite the looker!

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be a lot calmer, more modest, or something when people say you're a cutie. I always gush in agreement! I can't help it, I could stare at you for hours, awake or sleeping. I feel a little bad when someone says you look like me and I agree, like I should be more humble or something. You are a pretty even mix of me and Daddy but it looks like you have my eyes and nose and those are pretty prominent features. We don't look exactly alike so I hope it's not conceited of me to think you're gorgeous.

In the past month, there have been at least two poop incidents that I could have done without. I don't know if it's because you're a boy, or my ineptness at diaper changing, or if other mamas just don't talk about it but it seems like we have lots of incidents that require clothes changes. I don't mind tremendously, but the afternoon I had to figure out how to take apart the car seat to get all the poop cleaned out was a bit of an adventure. Poop is poop no matter how cute the pooper is!

It's already happening isn't it. I'm mortifying you. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I'll probably stop sharing stories about your voiding habits once you're out of diapers.

We have a doctor's appointment on Monday where you will be getting some vaccinnes. I think your doctor is fantastic and I am working on a small list of questions for her. I'm looking forward to seeing how much you weigh and how long you are and where that puts you on the percentile chart. But I am not looking forward to the shots. I might cry harder than you.

The thing about being a mom is that I really do have most of my heart outside of my own body now. We have learned the hard way that you have some sort of milk intolerance and if I eat cheese or drink milk, you spit up like crazy. Regular formula gives you painful gas and we're still sorting that out. It makes me feel awful when you cry and I can't comfort you right away. I don't want you to experience discomfort in any way. It makes me nervous that although right now me and Daddy can often fix what is making you cry fairly easily, we won't always be able to do that. I am enjoying you so much right where you are now. It's all going so fast that I hope I am paying close enough attention!

I love you, Samson. I hope you always know that as well as you know it right now.

Love, Mama

humpday happiness

Here's a list of happy happy things!

...thrift store shopping: 3 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of pajama pants, a hoodie for S, and an outfit for S: $16
...breastfeeding is going much much much better now. I think we've really got it down now!
...strong fingernails
...a rainy break from the ridiculous amount of oak pollen in the air
...my husband's new Elvis sunglasses
...soft broken in sheets
...S is a month old!
...folding itty bitty baby clothes
...hanging out with my sister
...pretending like my youngest niece knows how to high five and being an excited crazy lady in Starbucks with her
...walks with S around the neighborhood. Even better when my friend can join us!
...finding a post office inside a gas station not too far from my house!
...I have to say it: sparkling water
...the tingly feeling in my fingertips is almost gone!
...my wedding band is slightly loose! A drastic change from just a few weeks ago when it got stuck on my finger!
...my husband telling me that for an anniversary sometime down the road he would like to design new matching wedding bands for us
...the astounding amount of patience I have with my son without even trying
...being able to laugh heartily at poop explosions
...being able to pack up and drive places!
...having a packed diaper bag that hasn't let me down yet
...the return of Army Wives on tv!
...using the crap out of our Blockbuster online account
...playing Words With Friends on my iPhone
...my iPhone in general! 

newsletter: month 1

Dear Samson,

Let me tell you, handsome Samson, this last month has been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I wouldn't really trade a single moment of it and that's quite the statement when you're talking about an epidural that stopped working, an emergency c-section, getting peed on, sleep deprivation, and the realization that I now wear my heart outside my body.

I had never been admitted to the hospital before and I guess that somehow translated into a long enough stay and enough procedures to last me quite awhile. I'll just summarize and say that I had an appointment with a perinatologist to monitor your heart rate for a bit and then check on you through ultrasound. My blood pressure was high enough that when the nurse practitioner told me to straight to the hospital, there was more than a tinge of urgency in her voice. Grandma happily drove me and we met the best OB in the planet, Dr. Schwope, right at the hospital. Since you had FINALLY decided to drop head down, we decided to induce me and see what happened instead of doing a c-section straight away. About five hours after that, the first drug to get things going was administered. 43 hours after THAT, you were born via emergency c-section. With every contraction, your heart rate was dropping and because I could hear it and already loved you more than I knew how to say out loud, my heart rate was speeding up. Surgery isn't always an easy fix for something, but this one did us both good.

Your dad sat right next to my head in the operating room as the doctors and nurses did their thing to get you out of my womb and out of distress. When they lifted you out and up and carried you to where the NICU team was waiting for you, I gasped in amazement of how completely gorgeous you were! My first thought was "THAT is the baby I get to take home?!" I knew that as your mother I'd always think you were good looking, but I was astounded by how handsome you were. Chubby cheeks, squirmy, and a cry that wasn't even annoying. Daddy and I watched as the NICU team got you all cleaned up and did the tests they needed to and got you all squared away as a brand new member of society. We discussed your name for one last time to be sure and the team working on me was done putting me back together at the same time your team was done fixing you up.

Someone took a picture of the three of us before we went back to the hospital room and it's something I hate and love. I think I look completely awful but at the same time I look like someone who had just worked really hard at the last task of keeping you healthy before you were born and was transitioning into the next phase of taking care of you. Your dad was adorable in his jumpsuit and mask and I was so grateful that he was right there with me. There's a lot of unknowns ahead of the three of us, but one thing I do know is that you were conceived in love and you'll be raised in love by two people who love each other tremendously.

I got to hold you, all bundled up with your hat on, as they wheeled my bed back into my room. Grandma and Papa and Grandma J were all waiting for us. We got to announce your name to them and the nurses: Samson Luciano. Luciano after your dad and Samson because it's a fantastic name. Samson means of the light and Luciano means light from within. There's strength conveyed just by your name and you're already living up to it. There were so many things that could have gone wrong during my pregnancy and delivery and you over came all of them. You're already lifting your head on your own and you've scooted yourself across the scale at the doctor's office! You're going to keep us very busy and we're so excited to see how.

We're really excited to be your parents. We've already taken you to the library and Starbucks, each of practically equal importance in our lives. You've met almost all of your cousins. I've taken you out and about all by myself and stayed out entirely too long. We know which cry means you're hungry and which cry means "Guys, really, I've had enough. Please let me be for a bit." We are crazy about you. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed you isn't so bad when as you drift off to sleep you smile. You've grown and developed so much already! I'm trying to savor the moments but at the same time I can hardly wait to see what you're going to do next.

Thanks for making me a mom, Samson. I love you.

Love,
Mama

humpday happiness!

Here's to starting to figure out what normal looks like with a newborn!

Sorry for the dead air... I'm hoping to be back here posting regularly again soon. I'm going to have to ease into it, but easing into it is probably better than not writing at all!

Here's a list of things making me happy this week:

...being able to gulp down large quanitites of plain ice water!
...sparkling water still makes me happy though
...pictures of my baby boy
...the ridiculous amounts of clothes that people have just given us for S!
...figuring out that sleeping every time the baby does doesn't really work for me
...hot showers
...going on walks around the neighborhood
...having already lost all the weight I gained while pregnant!
...phone chats with my cousin
...driving! Oh, I really missed being able to drive myself!
...baby lotion
...the new dark cherry syrup at Starbucks! An iced decaf vanilla dark cherry soy mocha is not necessarily good for you but it is FANTASTIC for your taste buds!
...not plucking my eyebrows to see what they look like all grown in
...super strong nails
...eavesdropping on Ki talking to S
...starting to get used to two hours of sleep at a time
...loading up the dvr with Friends and King of the Hill

humpday happiness!

Some things making me happy from the past week...

...getting my eyebrows waxed with my sister!
...Jamba Juice
...a nice baby shower thrown by my mother-in-law
...watching my swollen feet go down just by putting my feet up
...using the crap out of our Blockbuster Online account
...having two tuners for the tv in our bedroom which means we can record one thing and watch something else AT THE SAME TIME
...finally starting to feel better from this blasted cold I got over the weekend
...my nieces and nephew in general
...my oldest niece, upon finding out about my impending c-section, saying "So you're going to have surgery to make you straight again like me?" while gesturing to her stomach
...my nephew helping take care of tissue paper during the baby shower, including removing it from a gift bag before I even had a chance to look inside
...my youngest niece waving her arms at me in delight--she's the most stoic baby I've ever even heard of so this is a pretty big deal
...the new nicknames of "Melris" and "Kilissa" for Baby C. Why didn't any of us think of those MONTHS ago?!
...figuring every day that I still don't have the baby, the cheeks may be getting a tiny bit chubbier which means there's extra room for all the kisses everyone will want to give (but no pinching! I HATED that as a kid!)
...drinking a Shirley Temple or a Cherry Limeaid
...egg salad
...SPARKLING WATER
...the Pretty and the Plain cd by JJ Heller
...having the stroller all put together and realizing how easy it is to snap the carrier in and out of the car seat base and stroller
...arming myself with helpful information about c-sections
...having a tentative baby debut day!
...feeling like I knew my baby was okay and then finding out s/he really was
...sourdough bread
...the way my husband tells me he loves me two or three times each time he calls me
...the Words with Friends game on my iPhone, especially since I am regularly playing my aunt, mom, and sister. The only drawback is you can't trash talk as well
...being able to fling myself forward with no or little help from laying on my back and how everyone is impressed every time I do it
...orange pineapple juice

love is not a victory march

Kind of towards the beginning of my pregnancy, I had this day at work where I started crying and I couldn't stop. I couldn't say why it started and every time I tried to figure it out the tears would just come harder. I stayed at work for several miserable hours before finally leaving early and I went to see my OB. She asked me some questions about how I was eating and sleeping and whatnot and then took my hand and said that it as a pregnant woman it was perfectly acceptable to just lose my shit sometimes. There was a lot more to that conversation, but that was when I really knew I had chosen the right OB.

It has been roughly 32 or 33 weeks of at least one doctor appointment a week, if not more than that. I know which veins I prefer anyone to try to draw blood from and which ones I will flatly refuse to allow be tried. I am an expert at peeing in a cup, both in aim and being able to do so just about on demand. I take my blood pressure at least three times a day at home, gave up all of my known allergy cures, eat pretty healthy foods, cut way back on caffeine, and watched my center of gravity change before my very eyes.

Have you ever had to do a 24 hour urine collection? You get a big jug and you literally pour all of your urine over a 24 hour period into the jug. Even better, you need to keep it cool so that bacteria doesn't grow so that means either a spot in the fridge or some sort of ice chest or bucket for it to hang out in. It's necessary to see how much protein is in your urine and can be indicative of preeclampsia during pregnancy.

I turned in my fourth 24 hour urine collection today, as per directions from one of the offices I go to. The other office called me and said they dumped it because I hadn't done it during the right chunk of 24 hours. I got conflicting directions and basically it doesn't really matter because I have to do it over again.

Well friends, I lost my shit again today.

I understand they need the numbers to make sure I'm doing okay. A lot of the signs of preeclampsia are not things you can just see. I don't understand it all exactly but what I do get is it's important for my health and the baby's health to take all of this very seriously. All of the labs and monitoring and poking and prodding is not just to torture me and the results that have come back this whole time have been pretty good overall. I can't even express how much I love my baby and how I already feel like a piece of my heart is just exposed to the world. So it's not that any of this isn't worth it. But I am tired.

I am tired of the appointments and arguing over scheduling the next round. I am tired of waddling my way to two appointments a week. I am tired of not driving myself and feeling like I am sucking the life out of whoever (mainly my mom) has generously driven me that day. I am tired of staying inside at home but also know that going anywhere for too long completely drains any energy reserves. I am tired of people saying I will miss being pregnant because even if that's true there is no way I will be able to see it for several more months.

It was completely unreasonable for me to cry at home and then continue crying the entire drive back to the doctor's office to get a new jug. I have a maximum of one week left. I can do this. I want to do this because I can hardly wait to meet my little one. And with the timing, I'm going to be in the area of the lab anyway so who cares if I have to stop there to drop it off. I was just looking forward to a day of no appointments and no health stuff. Wednesday was my day this week to finish up the baby's room and spend some time with my husband and not be tied up with anything else. I kind of get to do that anyway, I just have to stick close to home so I can be sure to collect everything I need. And maybe convince my husband to rub my back until I fall asleep at some point in the day.

The tears that spilled down my face were a culmination of things. All the doctor appointments, the discomfort of the last few weeks, the desire to get things done paired with a ridiculous lack of energy, the well meaning (mostly) people asking if we're ready, the cold I currently have... I guess sometimes the stress in my life just has to come out through my tear ducts.

I guess tomorrow is still kind of a day off. Then Thursday will be another non-stress test and then an ultrasound and a consult with the perinatologist. And the Thursday after that, Baby C will be here and I will have a completely new set of things to learn and handle and conquer. I can do it because I don't have to do it by myself.

baby don't you cry, baby don't you cry, gonna bake a pie with a heart in the middle

Today was a little bit of an adventure.

I had an appointment with my OB this morning at 10:30. It was for a non-stress test where I sit in a recliner and have a monitor strapped to my belly and a print out shows the baby's heart rate. I also hold a little clicker that looks like a Jeopardy button and press it every time I feel the baby move. I've had like ten of these between my OB's office and the perinatologist's office. The doctor needs to see a certain number of heartbeat accelerations for a certain amount of time to know the baby is doing well.

My child is quasi-cooperative during things like this. The baby moves like gangbusters at odd hours of the night. The offices are not open during odd hours of the night which is really a shame sometimes. Mostly the appointments have been fine but sometimes take a really long time because the baby is clearly moving but the heartrate hasn't accelerated enough or whatever. At the perinatologist's office, they follow up with an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid levels, to see a certain number of wiggles, and to check if the baby is making practice breathing movements.

One day at the perinatologist's office I had to lie in the recliner on my side and then switch and hold the monitor and it still wasn't quite enough. Then during the ultrasound, the baby was just sleeping and not doing the breathing motions and the technician had to watch for a certain amount of time to satisfy the requirements. I had to lay on my back, then my side, then my other side and by the time I switched the third time, I just started crying. I just couldn't keep it together anymore. It's a strange thing to not be worried about the baby exactly but to have to be so uncomfortable trying to prove to everyone else that the baby is okay.

So this morning, my mom drove me and we settled in, and everything was fine. Except I ended up on the monitor for two hours with no accelerations. My OB is amazing and straightforward and told me she was confident the baby was just fine but we needed an ultrasound to quantify it. She arranged for me to be fit in at the perinatologist's office because it would be a much faster way to go about getting the information she needed than going to the hospital. We talked about labor signs and she checked my cervix and the baby's position. She decided to schedule a tentative date for my c-section, barring no major changes.

My mom and I drove through Chick-Fil-A and then went to the perinatologist's office. I'm going to skip the whole part about how ridiculous the front desk people are because that's going in an email to the office manager after the baby is born. Heh.

I got on the table for the ultrasound and the baby wiggled a little bit and had a strong steady heartbeat and good breathing motions. And then refused to move any more. The technician jostled my belly quite a bit and the baby just continued to hang out. S/he is definitely still transverse (laying horizontally across my belly) so the c-section is definitely going to be the way I deliver. My mom and I got to watch Baby C on the monitor for twenty minutes or so while s/he didn't move much at all. After some measurements and print outs, the technician took all the newly gathered information to the doctor. Then we got the okay to just go home (after a quick stop to tell Ki in person that everything was just fine)!

I have another appointment on Thursday that will be a non-stress test and then an ultrasound to check on the baby's growth. Barring any major changes, the baby will be here by the end of next week!

Oh, I almost forgot the best part about the whole day!

My mom was driving us back home, almost five hours after my original appointment. We stopped by Ki's store so I could talk to him in person for a quick minute. At a stop light no less than twenty minutes after the ultrasound, the baby was moving so much we could both literally watch THROUGH TWO LAYERS OF CLOTHING. And as a matter of fact, the baby is moving like gangbusters right now. I am really excited to meet this child and see if all of this is indicative of his or her personality or it's just all a bunch of random happenstance for the doctor appointments.

seven quick takes

It's a quick take Friday!

1. Since lately my biggest decision of the day is what to eat, I am so bored with food. Me. Seriously. I can't think of things that sound like they'd be amazing to eat or a meal that I am looking forward to eating. I eat and I'm still eating pretty healthy good but I can't tell you any other time in my life that I've been so uninterested in food. For real, I usually LOVE food. Like a ridiculous amount. I figure as long as I'm still getting hungry and eating well balanced meals it doesn't matter a huge amount but it's kind of weird.

2. Earlier this week I felt unkempt and gross. I am still supposed to be bedresting and also definitely don't have money for a spa day but let me tell you that a long HOT shower that involved shaving my legs did me a world of good. I used a scrub on my heels and washed my hair and it was just ridiculously fantastic. I'm not sure if it's cool or a little lame that a shower can provide a healthy dose of "me time." Heh, whatever works!

3. I made it to 37 weeks before my fingers got too swollen for me to be able to wear my wedding ring. I miss it. Not too much longer before I can put it back in, I don't think.

4. I've got my mind wrapped around having a c-section as much as I think I can. There's clean baby clothes and blankets and whatnot. We have a place for the baby to sleep and Ki is taking three weeks off that can start immediately with my hospital admission. I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore. We've made it to 37 weeks which is technically a full-term baby. Any day now... I would love to have it on the calendar. All I know is that I won't be carrying to term, so in the next two weeks we'll officially be a family of three!

5. I haven't decided if I need to make a separate blog for baby stuff. I am kind of leaning towards no because I am afraid this blog will just die if I do that. To be determined, I suppose.

6. I LOVE SPARKLING WATER. It is hands down my favorite drink right now. I could easily drink my 64 ounces of water a day in sparkling form and be a happy girl about it. I just wish it was cheaper somehow. Shouldn't it be cheaper than soda because there's no flavor or even sodium?

7. My youngest niece is absolutely fascinating to me. She is almost nine months old and a tiny little thing who I really think has a running commentary in her head, with real words and everything. Today my sister and I were telling her she needs to start trying to say "Auntie" and I swear she put her fingers in her mouth and then said it. I think she will conquer small countries when she grows up.

seven quick takes

Friday Quick Takes!

1. I've had my iPhone for about a year, but I feel like I really USE it now. Just all of the sudden it really clicked how I could unleash some of its power to make my life a bit easier and entertainment filled. I think it's mostly that being on bed rest or just being exhausted means I'm laying down and bored and I've suddenly discovered a bunch of cool apps and how to feel comfortable browsing the web. And I'll go ahead and say I get what the appeal of the iPad is (except they totally should have named it the iSlate or iTablet) but I wont' be buying one any time soon. It would be kind of nice to have a bigger screen with the same dynamic experience to be able to really read in bed but how much longer will I be stuck slash have the time to enjoy it?

2. All I'm doing these days is hanging out at home growing a baby or going to doctor appointments to check to make sure the baby is still growing. This is supremely boring and what is even more frustrating is that although I have time and my own vehicle and whatnot, trying to venture out for much more than a doctor appointment wipes me out. And apparently when I come home and lay down again I snore loud enough for my mom to hear in the kitchen. I digress. Boring. I am bored bored bored. Also I have nothing to talk about with anyone because all I do is stay home and hope my blood pressure levels off and the baby is just fine. Not that no one is interested in that, but it doesn't make a very interesting conversation for very long.

3. In roughly less than a month, it is highly possible that my sister and I could be sitting in my parent's living room each nursing a baby.

4. I LOVE THE WINTER OLYMPICS. I get caught up in whatever sport is airing. I don't quite understand curling but I'm getting there... And I have to say short track speed skating is totally my favorite. I love getting to see the background stories on athletes and rooting for people and seeing history be made. I didn't realize there were so many winter sports that I enjoyed! Summer Olympics are an easy draw for me but I now simply and firmly LOVE THE OLYMPICS.

5. Pregnancy symptoms that caught me by surprise that I'm pretty much over: carpal tunnel syndrome, an endlessly stuffy nose, and ever expanding feet. I have high hopes that a few months after Baby C comes out to play that these will at the very least calm down. I'm really hoping my feet aren't going to stay exactly this big because it's going to be kind of difficult to find cute shoes and socks but I'm resigning myself to the idea that they won't shrink too much just in case. And the carpal tunnel syndrome really has got to go. The stuffy nose is bearable, just kind of obnoxious at night especially.

6. Bare bones honestly, I sit in my room with the tv on or a book open and my mind drifts and I start thinking about my friends. I start wondering what happened to all of them. I used to have a bunch in California and a bunch here in town and with the exception of a precious few (T and B, I'm looking at you), if I don't initiate conversation or hang out time, it doesn't happen. I understand that everyone has their own stuff going on and some schedules are less forgiving than others because I've totally been there. I just find myself wondering how much is me being overdramatic because I'm stuck at home with pregnancy hormones pumping through my system and whether or not really cleaning house on Facebook is reasonable right now. How do you ask people to please talk to you or hang out with you without just being lonely and needy? Or is that just okay sometimes?

7. I honest to God fall more in love with Ki on at least a weekly basis if not daily. Sometimes it's really specific things (him gushing over baby shoes, back rubs without being asked, his excitement about playing poker) and sometimes it's just getting to lay next to him at night or that we have matching wedding bands that we each loath taking off for any extended period of time. I had no idea that I'd marry him when I first met him or even through the first part of our relationship. But I count myself blessed every day to have him in my life, for us to have formed a family, and for there to be a baby about to join us.

humpday happiness

A list of things making me happy this week...

...watching a ridiculous amount of movies.
...Facebook
...my mom buying clothes for the baby with coordinating accessories
...my husband's reaction to itty bitty baby shoes
...the amazing amount of use I've gotten out of my bath robe. Excellent purchase.
...brisket, even if I still feel hungry later on
...corn beef and cabbage
...THE OLYMPICS
...Ki's fascination with curling
...new episodes of Family Guy and King of the Hill on Adult Swim
...a handful of new maternity shirts. I may be almost done but it sure is nice to have some not the same old clothes to wear!
...the realization that if you don't pluck your eyebrows for awhile, it's unlikely anyone will actually SAY anything about it
...pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome either easing up or me getting used to it
...saving money
...sparkling water! Yay for sparkling water!
..."arguing" about baby names
...reading
...more cold weather!

insert olympic theme here

Sorry for the dead air around here. I was sick with a cold for a little bit (now I just passed that around the rest of my family, what a good sharer am I) and now I'm on bed rest. I think new posts are going to be hit or miss for a little bit around here but I will try to work on it. But here's a little update anyway!

Bed rest is not as awesome as it may sound. My blood pressure had been fantastically low until last week. I take it at home twice a day and write it on a log for the doctors to see so I'm very aware of it. It just started creeping up for no particular reason. Well except for the part where I'm pregnant I guess. It didn't seem super worrisome to me because my blood pressure has definitely been higher in the past. But when I went to the high risk doctor for my weekly non-stress test, the bottom number was pretty high. I didn't really think anything of it until they came in to take my blood pressure again after I'd been sitting in the recliner listening to the baby for awhile and then I knew something was up.

So I was in the ultrasound room with my husband and sister-in-law and my favorite ultrasound technician and two people came in to tell me that because of my blood pressure I need to be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. I couldn't help it, I started crying. The baby had been super wiggly while we were doing the non-stress test and basically uncooperative and I was really tired. And also I don't know if I've mentioned this but I cry ALL OF THE TIME. Commercials, Olympic events, text messages, a passage in a book... It's ridiculous. It just took me by such surprise because despite being told at the beginning of my pregnancy that I could die or the baby could die or we could both die, things have been pretty non-eventful. Outside of the insane morning sickness that lasted two trimesters and getting put on medical leave I guess. I had started to think I was going to make it to the end without any of the awful scenarios they lectured me on at the beginning.

I've been getting headaches about every other day and although they haven't been violent, they are apparently related to the blood pressure. So I have a list of symptoms I need to call the doctor for should they pop up and I'm to spend more time laying down than up moving around. My blood pressure has to level off or go down because the next step is a hospital stay or being induced.

If I can hold on for two more weeks, the baby is considered full term. And actually the baby is doing great! S/he weighs 5 lbs 13 oz and most often you aren't allowed to take the baby home from the hospital until they hit five pounds. Also s/he has been making breathing movements for at least three weeks and has continued to grow like gangbusters, all of which indicate a happy and healthy kid in there.

It's difficult to just stay down. There are baby clothes to be washed, sorted, and put away. There are boxes in my room that need to be packed up again and taken to the storage unit so it doesn't look like such a ridiculous disaster area in there. I like to cook things that are involved. And I like to not be stuck in the house.

To anyone who is working outside the home, I'm sure mandated bed rest sounds like a fantastic idea. If I was still working, I'm sure being at home would make my blood pressure drop pretty nicely. But now I'm just at home and limited on what I'm allowed to do. The part where it's not super specific is frustrating to people around me, I'm sure. I get it and I know my blood pressure and what it means. Also, my due date isn't for five weeks and I have at least one doctor appointment a week until then so things could (probably will?) change. I'm not sure that I was officially diagnosed with preeclampsia, but I'm at least on the very edge and it's not something to mess around with.

So, all in all, I'll be at home. Visitors are fine! Especially if you want to bring some magazines, a movie, or a book for me to borrow. :) Thank heavens the Olympics are on. I think I might just try to have all my babies where the Olympics are on at the very end because it is fantastic to be able to watch so much of so many different sports I don't necessarily know anything about.

recipe: stuffed jalapenos

Oh so delicious, relatively easy, and any time you make them people will be impressed. I can practically guarantee it!

KICKASS STUFFED JALAPENOS

Ingredients:
approximately 15 jalapenos from the produce section at the grocery store
16 oz of Jimmy Dean original sausage
8 oz of cream cheese
2 cups of Italian style shredded parmasean cheese

Crumble sausage and fry up in a skillet. Drain the grease after the sausage is cooked all the way through.
Combine the sausage, cream cheese, and 1 1/2 cups of parmeasean cheese.
Set aside.

Cut the jalapeno peppers in half, length wise. You may need gloves to avoid being burned by the oil from the peppers.
Depending on how spicy you want the end result to be, scoop out the insides of the peppers. The more seeds you leave in, the spicier. And there is a vein that runs through the pepper that if left in will also contribute quite a bit of heat. Scoop everything out entirely for the mildest possible result.
Spoon sausage mixture into each jalapeno half.
Sprinkle remaining parmesean cheese across the tops of the stuffed peppers.

Bake in the oven at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes. When the peppers go from bright green to more of an olive green color, they are done. The filling should be hot all the way through and the peppers should be soft rather than the firm you started with.

Serve! Excellent with a nice cold beer.

Don't expect to have any left over! I have made a small amount and I have made a LARGE batch and they will all be eaten. Make sure you allow time to bask in the compliments.