tired and grumpy may not be the best time to post a blog

I am tired of a bunch of stuff. This cold that appears and disappears and then reappears for one is really getting on my nerves. I suppose that points to it being allergies rather than a cold but I take medicine that up until the past couple of weeks has worked quite well and I simply do not have money to go to the doctor right now. So there's that.

At work I answer the phone "(Name of Department), it's Melissa." 8 out of 10 times the first thing the person on the other line says is "Who is this?" Realizing I could perhaps be saying everything quite quickly and not realizing it sounds like mush, I will slowly repeat my name. This is all reasonable until the other person then says "Oh hi, Rosa (or Elsie, or Lisa, or Laura)" or if the entire reason they were calling was to get our fax number. What does my name have to do with the fax number?

I guess I lost my mind a little when I was apartment hunting and decided a first floor place was the way to go. Next lease has got to be a spot where no one is living above me. Maybe a house. Sometimes I just sit in the living room and try to match the moving about pattern with a picture in my head and lately it mostly seems to go with someone starting at the front door and hopping back and forth. And what is the deal with the vacuuming every day? I usually vacuum once a week (more if the floor warrants it of course). The only time I've ever vacuumed daily was once when I was about thirteen and I got in trouble for something and that was part of my punishment, vacuuming every day.

I am tired of being a flake but I can't seem to stop. Once upon a time if I said I was going to be someplace or do something, it was considered almost worrisome if I was late. Now, I'm not sure anyone completely believes me when I say I'm going to do something for them. I hope they at least believe I MEAN to follow through because I truly honestly do, but what happened? How did that switch get flipped and how do I flip it back?

My blood pressure is high, I have acid reflux, and I use a heating pad almost daily to ease back aches. I honestly believe all of these issues would be helped if not completely alleviated by weight loss. So why can't I just do it? Why can't I just choose better foods, do work out videos, cut out caffeine again, and make it happen? If I lost 100 pounds, I would look amazing. If I lost 30 pounds, I could buy much cuter clothes and probably put the heating pad away. Either scenario is possible and within my reach as long as I stay dedicated. When I see pictures of myself, I see an overstuffed couch. That right there should be enough, and then factoring in the health issues, seriously, what is my deal?

I used to LOVE the Post Secret web site and looked forward to seeing new postcards every Sunday. Now I still check the site every week but the fact there are so many books and the touring and whatnot is all kind of a turn-off. It was cooler when it was a random art project instead of a source of great income for the site creator. Good for him, I guess, and it was a great idea. I'm still growing disenchanted I suppose.

My dear friend Kate, aka Splenda, recently reminded me that when she first met me I told her I knew myself very well. I don't know what happened to that confidence. I'm not sure where my list making went and the last time I wrote in my personal handwritten journal was February. Despite this grumpy blog entry, I am mostly happy in my day to day life. So what happened to the knowing myself, the lofty goals, the determination to DO something and BE someone?

No more big breakouts please. A zit here and there is fine, but do they have to be so huge? I'm 28. That fact should overrule existence of acne. It just should.

I'm running out of steam, so back to bed I go. Wish me luck on getting through my Friday at work!