melissa in the raw

so hopeless and all alone

2011-12-01T21:34:00.000-06:00

Oh dear. I think I need a detox session from Facebook or something. Unfortunately one of the big things I do with a ministry I'm involved in at my church is post to the Facebook page every day. I guess that doesn't mean I have to look at mine, but that's what ends up happening.

I'm kind of tired of the pissing contests that happen. I'm also tired of people thinking they know everything that's going on in my life because they are my Facebook friend. I don't talk about negative things, I don't talk about my in-laws, I try not to complain or be grumpy. Mostly that means if I'm having a bad day or going through something difficult, I'm just silent in Facebook land. Which means if we haven't chatted face to face in awhile but you've been following my online presence, you have a very basic idea of what's actually going on. I don't mean that in a snotty way at all.

I have made several major moves in my life. It is insane to me how different it is to live in a different spot from someone now though. I'm only 31 so it is bizarre to me that I'm saying things like "I remember when..." but it's just true! We moved when I was in high school (1994) and the Internet was not this huge wide spread thing. My family depended on snail mail and video taped messages (VHS) to stay in touch. It was a big deal when we got to go back to California and be in person with everyone. It was hard for me to stay in touch with my friends because long distance phone calls were very expensive and we had to rely on writing letters. Not a lot of teenagers are into writing letters.

Last summer, we got to go from Texas to California and there was some family that I haven't seen in YEARS and I was really excited to get the chance to sit and talk. And none of them felt like we needed to really talk because they follow me on Facebook. I love being so accessible to the masses in general and specifically reconnecting with friends and family. But I value time spent over a cup of coffee (or whatever you can find in a coffee shop type setting that suits your tastes) and chatting face to face. I like to see people's faces as they tell me stories and I like to hug people I haven't seen in ages.

And the stupid contests over how many "friends" you have and who posts more on who's wall and blah blah blah. I think it's easier to be self-involved when all your interactions are online as well. If someone posts they are having a bad day, it's hard to know how bad of a day and how many questions you can ask. I've noticed a trend lately of people making typos and leaving it up and adding another comment to correct them. What's the deal with that? I have no qualms about deleting a post and reposting it correctly. And if someone was ridiculously rude to me, I'd just delete the comment and let the chips fall where they may.

I feel old fashioned.

Maybe mostly today I just feel grumpy.

31 days of improvement: day 2

2011-10-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

I have a crap ton of weight to loose and I want to be healthy. And hott but I figure that will come along with the losing weight and being healthy.

My husband thinks I'm beautiful and looks at me like I'm pretty all the time. And I don't even think I'm really horrible looking, just fat. And my kiddo is super fast and active and busily getting into anything and everything and I want to be able to keep up with him or even get out ahead of him better.

My church just started a running group and are hosting a Beautiful Feet 5K at the end of November. I know that right now, I can definitely walk a 5K in a decent amount of time. But, it seems like the perfect opportunity to have a work out goal with a deadline attached and if nothing else, I'll get a t-shirt out of it. The registration money is going towards supporting and serving the Strong Foundation, a shelter for homeless families, Casa Hogar Misericorida orphanage in Chihuahua, Liberia NOW, Children's Emergency Relief International, and military ministry.

Today was my first day of Couch-To-5K and I have to say I can definitely do this but holy moly am I out of shape. I have an app for my phone and each day is a 30 minute work-out of walking and running. Today was a five minute brisk walk to warm up and then running for 60 seconds and then walking for 90 seconds. I finished the whole thing. I can see how you can get hooked on running but I am not there yet. I figure this will get easier the more I do it and I really love the app. If I was just trying to do it myself, I would give up. I really am that lame sometimes!

But I have a borrowed jogging stroller and I hit a sale at Kohls with a gift card and got actual running shoes and they are even black and PINK! I wear a women's 11 and that was the largest size I saw in all the running shoes there yesterday. We don't have set plans on baby C-2, but I think I better start praying now that my feet don't get any bigger with that baby!

Tomorrow I will be working out again, but I don't know if it'll be C25K or not. They recommend that you just do that three days a week, so we'll see how I feel. But otherwise, I have some workout dvds that I am starting to like, so it'll be something!

31 days of improvement: day 1

2011-10-01T21:33:00.000-05:00

I cleaned the hallway bathroom from top to bottom. It's really nice in there and it's also literally the only spot in the house that is clean from top to bottom. I will be working hard this week to make that not be the case, but in the meantime, I kind of want to just hang out in there.

S wants to help me or be involved or try to do things himself regardless of what I'm doing. I love it and I try to encourage it but when I'm cleaning and he throws a fit because I'm sweeping and won't hand over the broom it makes things difficult. Or if I'm folding clothes and putting them in piles on the couch, well, I just don't bother anymore. He runs up and in one smooth movement dumps everything off the couch.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just trying to survive each day rather than live it. And it's not entirely true, but I think it is when it comes to how my house looks. Hopefully I can keep making little steps and have a house that's more clean than not! In the meantime, I'm going to go stand in the bathroom for a minute.

newsletter: month 18

2011-09-13T20:36:00.001-05:00

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are 18 months old! I can't believe it. Sometimes you seem much older and other times it seems like you were an itty bitty guy in my arms and I blinked and now you are climbing on top of the table. Time goes by so differently when you become a parent. You are very aware of it and it zooms past you at the same time. Eighteen months of you right in front of me with lots of good times, giggles, and lessons learned.

You crawl, walk, run, and climb. The climbing part is insane to me. I was a very calm child and from all accounts, so was Daddy. And here you are, climbing on anything and everything you can get a foothold on. When we go to eat at home, I take the tray off the high chair and let you climb up because it's actually faster than me setting you in there. I have to take great care in making sure furniture and some of your sturdier toys are not too close to each other because you will climb up on one thing so you can reach something else to climb up even higher. Climbing up on a chair, to climb up on the table and throw your hands up in jubilee is adorable and terrifying at the same time. My current goal is to avoid any major scars until you can at least talk.

We were at a friend's house, outside on the deck and you were playing on a little bike. All of the sudden you rode down the stairs and I watched in horror as you and the bike tumbled head over heels down those stairs. My heart stopped as I ran to scoop you up, trying not to picture the worst. I was sure there was a broken bone or there would be blood. You snuggled into my neck and I calmed you down while my heart pounded so hard I was sure it was going to fly out of my body. And before I could get myself calmed down, you were upset again because I wouldn't let you immediately get back on that bike. The next day, I was trying to change your diaper on the changing table. You wiggle and crawl away (as much as you can on a little table) and that night was no different. Except when you were on all fours, a hand slipped and your face slammed into the edge of the table. I scooped you up, checked for blood, and went to the freezer for your little Elmo gel pack. By the time I had told Daddy what happened and gotten us settled on the couch, you had stopped crying and wanted down. You cried harder as we took turns holding that gel pack on your face than you did when you actually injured yourself. It was pretty much an instant black eye.

The thing that I love about you and that also terrifies me is it doesn't seem like anything is going to keep you down. You are intent on exploring and playing, on doing what you want to do and getting right back to it whenever you face an obstacle. I admire that trait but I hope so hard it moves from physical injuries to triumphs. And I hope this isn't a glimpse of you as an adrenaline junkie!

You have a few words you use sometimes. I thought I wanted to be called "mama" but once you started saying "Mommy" and it was an intentional word rather than sounds strung together, I started to change my mind. You also say daddy, uh-oh, whoa, mine, and hi. None are all the time but all are adorable. You've started to get the hang of manners and when you hand me something, you say "Come" almost as a whisper. It makes taking half-chewed up mouthfulls of food in my hand a little easier, I have to say. You jabber constantly and for someone who doesn't know English very well, you certainly have a lot of opinions you'd like everyone to know about!

I am delighted by the fact you continue to love music and have kind of discriminating tastes for a toddler. The album Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons might as well be permanently stuck in the car cd player. I really like all the songs, but I am kind of tired of it and will try to sneak in some radio time. You will have nothing of it. Since it's a little easier to concentrate on driving without someone yelling at the top of their lungs in the back seat, I usually give in and press play again. You especially like tracks 2-4 ("The Cave", "Winter Winds", and "Roll Away Your Stone") which luckily have become my favorites as well. Sometimes I'm not really paying attention to it and we get all the way to track 7 ("Little Lion Man") which is a song I actually really like but is pretty inappropriate for little ears since it drops the f bomb several times. I think that cussing is sometimes (very very rarely) a really effective way to get your point across and I don't know how to substitute it in this particular song, but we skip it nonetheless. That's a discussion we can have when you're a teenager.

I'm involved in a group at church called Band of Mothers and we meet to pray for our kids and talk about resources to share with moms of kids of all ages. At the last small gathering I was at, we talked a lot about teenagers. It just seems so far away. In some ways, it absolutely is. You are literally over a decade away from becoming a teenager. I'm grateful for the chance to walk alongside some mamas who have kids older than you so I can see what they are going through and also that they survive. There are things Daddy and I are trying to do right now to put in place now so you grow up always knowing that in your life. Family hugs, going to church, socializing with others, reading, listening to a wide variety of music, meeting you on your level as much as we can, and making sure you know we are here for you and will take what you have to say seriously. A lot of it seems abstract right now but then there are times when something we've done for months without it seeming like it means anything adds up into something really cool. For instance, right now you are all about bringing us books to read to you, over and over again. I can't help but think as long as we plod along making the rest of these things intentional and repetitious as best we can, that it will add up into your understanding and it will happen sooner rather than later.

You are a fantastic person, Samson. I am so glad to get to know you and I genuinely have fun spending time with you. I had no idea someone who couldn't really talk could be so funny! I will always do my best to do right by you. One of my biggest hopes is that you always talk this much to me. I want to know what you have to say.

I love you, my little baby man.

Love, Mama

you might be drifiting, and can't find the shore

2011-09-05T20:36:00.000-05:00

I spent a good chunk of the morning/early afternoon at a friend's house, chatting, praying, and watching the kids play. I love going to her house because she lives out in the country. It's a commitment to drive over there. It gives me a couple of minutes of the driving I used to do all the time when I lived in Southern California. And, I always leave with a nugget of something. Understanding, peace, happiness. Something.

We spent some time talking about teenagers and some specific struggles of anonymous kids and I found myself alternately missing being involved in high school ministry (something I didn't really think I'd say for at least a few more years), thinking that the teen years are literally more than a decade away for my child, and starting to wonder if everyone is sure there's not a way to freeze your kids at a young age so they don't grow up and go out into that big scary world.

I'm grateful to know moms who have kids older than mine. They seem to have found their mama groove and it's encouraging to see that the toddler years are survivable. It's possible to have more than one kid and still sleep a little bit. That eventually, I won't have to keep my eye on my child most of the time to ensure he doesn't try riding a bike down the stairs (well, my child may do that when he gets older too, just to see what happens, but today, he had no idea of the consequences).

I hope I can offer that encouragement to a mom with younger kids than mine someday.

good times, good times

2011-09-03T22:12:00.000-05:00

I love my birthday.

I mean, I really love my birthday.

I think of August 28th as my new year. I used to make a big list of resolutions each year and try to get through them all, with varying degrees of success.

This year, I just have two.

1. My yes be yes and my no be no.
2. Choose to be healthy more often than not.

I used to be known as someone who could absolutely be counted on. I don't think this is something I'm really known for anymore. I find myself meaning to do things and either doing them much later on than I meant to or just not doing them at all. I need to be that person who when I say I'm going to do something, everyone can count on it being taken care of. I have a lot of understanding people in my life, and of course having a kid can make it more difficult to try to schedule things out super specifically. But not impossible. And I need to not hide behind S when I say I'm going to do something and then flake out for whatever reason. I'm much harder on myself than I would dream of being on anyone else, but at the same time, I want to be completely dependable.

I have noticed recently that I must work out in order to lose weight and keep it off. I don't eat a lot of junk. I eat some junk, and I eat too much sometimes when I sit down for a meal. But I have noticed that regardless of how much of what I eat, if I'm not also at least walking for an hour three times a week, the scale will not budge. I need to keep making these kinds of observations and then actually following through on them. I want to have cute clothes and be strong and everything but I also just want to be taking care of myself. I don't think I can accurately say I am doing everything I can to take care of myself. So, that's my goal. Eat right. Eat better. Work out. Be strong.

And maybe write more.

recipe: Indian Chicken Curry (Murgh Kari)

2011-07-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

My house smells like an Indian restaurant right now and I am just a happy girl about it! It's about 10 WW points plus per serving (it makes at least 4, maybe more) which might be a little steep but not awful considering how freaking delicious this is!

Here's the ingredients:

2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast
2 tsp salt
2 tbsp oil
1 1/2 cups chopped onion
1 tbsp minced garlic
1 1/2 tsp minced ginger root
1 tbsp curry powder
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground tumeric
1 tsp ground corriander
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp water
15 oz can crushed tomatoes
6 oz plain Greek yogurt (Chobani for the win!)
1 tbsp chopped cilantro
1 tsp salt
1 tsp garam masala

Serve with 1 tbsp chopped cilantro and 1 tbsp fresh lemon juice

Sprinkle the chicken breasts with 2 teaspoons salt.
Heat the oil in a large skillet over high heat; partially cook the chicken in the hot oil in batches until completely browned. Transfer the browned chicken breasts to a plate and set aside.
Reduce the heat under the skillet to medium-high; add the onion, garlic, and ginger to the oil remaining in the skillet and cook and stir until the onion turns translucent, about 8 minutes. Stir the curry powder, cumin, turmeric, coriander, cayenne, and 1 tablespoon of water into the onion mixture; allow to heat together for about 1 minute while stirring. Mix the tomatoes, yogurt, 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro, and 1 teaspoon salt into the mixture. Return the chicken breast to the skillet along with any juices on the plate. Pour 1/2 cup water into the mixture; bring to a boil, turning the chicken to coat with the sauce. Sprinkle the garam masala and 1 tablespoon cilantro over the chicken.
Cover the skillet and simmer until the chicken breasts are no longer pink in the center and the juices run clear, about 20 minutes. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the center should read at least 165 degrees F (74 degrees C). Sprinkle with lemon juice to serve.

humpday happiness!

2011-07-20T23:06:00.000-05:00

A list of things making my happy...

...S's little baby curls. I think I'm going to put off that first haircut a little longer!
...kid's eat free nights. Even more when they are unexpected. So tonight, I got a full meal, S got something to eat, and we have lunch tomorrow and all I had to pay for tonight was my meal! Ye-ah!
...sparkling water
...Blue Moon beer. I think it's my new favorite.
...that we got to see the last Harry Potter movie during opening weekend. It's the end of an era.
...the mamas I keep getting to meet through all the Band of Mothers stuff. It's an amazing group of women!
...S's mysterious rash just disappearing. I guess it's a normal toddler thing sometimes. Sigh.
...breakfast with my mother-in-law the other day was nice.
...my sister sent this random box of goodies from Trader Joe's and I am now in love with chocolate covered edamame. Yay for the box, yay for a new treat!
...our NorCal trip is coming up around the corner!
...playing around with various social media.
...clean laundry
...fish tacos
...hot showers.
...sun tea made on the front porch.

...

2011-07-02T23:02:00.000-05:00

I think one of the hardest things about being a stay at home mom is that when you have a really rough day, it feels like there's nothing to show for it when it's over. You just hope you get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is better for everyone. When I had a bad day at work, I could still make my little work area look nice and I'd at the very least have a time card punched for the hours that were hard and I got to punch out and go do something else.

Don't get me wrong, I love staying home with S and I feel very blessed that I am able to. My husband works really hard to keep us afloat. But some days just kind of suck.

humpday happiness!

2011-06-22T10:44:00.000-05:00

A small list of things making me happy...

...new friends who are awesome mamas with kids my kid get along with!
...VIA from Starbucks. I wish I could get an endorsement deal. I can make one cup of amazing coffee in 90 seconds. I LOVE IT.
...the way my husband comes home and kisses me straight away and then kisses S. Best part of my day.
...S scrunches up his nose when he smiles now!
...perfecting my world famous blueberry muffins.
...oatmeal and coffee for breakfast and they way it cleans everything right out!
...talking about poop randomly and probably inappropriately.
...my cousin is having a baby!
...we are going to California in August!
...the #sexyback11 challenge.
...sun tea.
...getting to spend Father's Day with my husband and my dad. Both great fathers!
...an appointment for an eyebrow wax, a hair cut, and a massage on SATURDAY!
...encouraging emails.
...KOVE is playing a bunch of new songs that are really good.
...K getting excited about hearing a song on KLOVE that we sang at church earlier that day.
...figuring out how to get all the music I've ever purchase on iTunes onto my phone!
...making faces with S. He tries to do it back but even better, his laugh is infectious and adorable.
...doing all the Band of Mothers social media stuff.
...sparkling water!

#sexyback11: I'm bringing sexy back

2011-06-16T11:02:00.000-05:00

So there's this blog I follow off and on, called Ragamuffin Soul. Forever ago, I vaguely knew Carlos and his wife because I went to Sandals church and our paths crossed here and there. It was ages ago and I wouldn't expect either of them to remember me, but that's how I started following Carlos' blog. He has really set up a little community on the web and it's really cool. I don't participate much but read and enjoy the links and videos and whatnot. Good times online yo.

He and this other guy, Grant, decided they wanted to be in better shape so they started this challenge called I’m Bringing... Sexy Back It’s Summer And I Can Take My Shirt Off In Public Program. They asked if anyone wanted to join them in trying to be healthier this summer and over 200 people said they wanted in. So I'm part of this Twitter list of people who have set measurable goals and are tweeting, facebooking, and/or blogging about how they are making changes to get to that measurable goal by Labor Day.

My measurable goal is to lose 20 pounds. It's kind of a lot but I think if I bust my booty, I can do it. I plan on making changes in what I eat and drink and also getting more active. First of all, I want to look awesome. I do not look awesome right now. I look like a person and a half shoved in one body. I lost 60 pounds last year and then gained back 20 and I definitely have a good 100 to go. So, 20 pounds this summer. Secondly, I am in charge of this little guy who doesn't know anything about anything and I really want him to grow up thinking eating healthy meals with tons of fruits and vegetables and being active on a daily basis is just completely normal. If I make these changes now for myself and for K, then S really will grow up like this. Thirdly, I really need to be more responsible with the things God has given me. I've been thinking about this in regards to finances, but this line of thinking really applies to a lot of things I will probably write about in the next month or so. I want to have more babies and it sure would be a lot easier if I didn't have to do the regular OB appointments plus the Perinatologist appointments. There's no guarantee that losing a bunch of weight will make that happen but it certainly would make the next pregnancy easier to start out at a healthier point! It would make finding cute maternity clothes a lot more fun!

So, 20 pounds by Labor Day. I can do this!

humpday happiness!

2011-06-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

Some things making me happy...

....Band of Mothers stuff. The phone calls, the emails, the facebook, the twitter... It's really hectic sometimes but I really love it all.
...finally scheduling my appointment for a hair cut, eye brow wax, and massage that my sister bought for me a year ago!
...S looks like a little boy now, not so much a little baby!
...peer pressure, especially from my church, to be a better person in a few different ways.
...my husband who loves me inside and out.
...having gone on a fabulous double date!
...trying out new low or no calorie drinks and actually liking them.
...being soda free for six days. Sigh.... :)
...reading.
...my mom picking S up once a week and taking him home with her so she and my dad can love on him like crazy.
...texting.
...really fun plans this weekend!
...a clean house.
...a front yard that is looking pretty good!
...Geico commercials.
...Twitter.
....hot showers with good smelling shampoo and body wash.
...Plumb.
...sun tea.

humpday happiness!

2011-06-01T22:23:00.000-05:00

A small list of things making me happy...

...reconnecting with people on Facebook! Again!
...making new friends.
...S is starting to feel better, I think!
...found a Target gift card with just under $50 on it!
...clean clothes and sheets.
...a brand new mop.
...my husband's beard.
...two whole days of no soda!
...honey mustard. The Paul Newman low fat dressing is awesome, but I just like honey mustard in general.
...the way S gets super excited when you ask him questions.
...recycling.
...emails and phone calls and texts for Band of Mothers stuff.
...reading again! Real grown up books!
...my husband is drawing again!
...Twitter. (@meljamc, yo)
...looking at wedding pictures. It's better if I actually know the people but wedding pictures in general make me happy!
...making S laugh hysterically by doing something really random.
...orange and pink together
...a double date coming up on Friday!
...slowly but surely getting used to the summer heat that has decided to burst on the scene.
...sparking water. Ye-ah.
...really enjoying living in San Antonio.
...sleep!

i'll find strength in pain and i will change my ways

2011-06-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

I wanted a chocolate milkshake and a strawberry pie from Whataburger when I was on my way home tonight but I did not get either. On purpose, not just because.

I was hungry just now so I made a salad with tomatoes and some sliced almonds and some chicken and lowfat dressing.

I am really trying to give up soda completely and have made it two days so far. Which isn't a lot but you have to start small for it to add up to something eventually!

Some of the people I've met recently get together and do these insane workouts from Crossfit. And it's maybe kind of silly but I really want to do it too. But these workouts are seriously crazy and I am no where near fit. So, for now I'm trying to make better choices, give up soda, and do a lot of walking. And eventually I will get up the courage to ask if there's a way to modify some of those workouts for someone who wants to be a badass but needs some training wheels to get there!

shameless plug

2011-05-31T23:42:00.000-05:00

I don't want to be annoying about this, but I could use some new customers or some new orders from some current customers.

Go to www.marykay.com/melissacalo-oy

Put in an order. You can even attach a payment if you'd like.

I will email or call you with your actual total that will be 20% off.

If you get a friend to also place an order, you'll get 20% off plus a special gift. Two free eye colors or a free lipstick or a free lip gloss.

I'm totally down for doing parties but I will just need a little bit of notice so I can find a baby-sitter for the kiddo. As a hostess, you will get a ton of free stuff. It's actually a pretty fun couple of hours too. I do a lot of show specials and will make sure everyone who comes gets a good deal.

Email or call me any time! No order is ever too small (or too big!)

...

2011-05-31T23:39:00.000-05:00

Frosted Flakes commercial...

him: I hate that cereal.
me: Really? I love it! Haven't had it in awhile though.
him: It gets soggy too quick.
me: It's the same as like Rice Krispies or Honey Bunches of Oats or Corn Flakes.
him: All those get soggy too quick.
me: So you just don't like cereal?
him: I LOVE cereal! What are you talking about?!

snippets

2011-05-29T22:39:00.001-05:00

The thing about setting a countdown timer when I put S in bed is that he almost always stops crying before the time goes off. It's awesome because it is an actual measurement of time. For this mama, any period of crying that isn't actually measured seems to go on FOREVER.

If my car battery had to die a complete death, today was the perfect day. If my car had to refuse to start, doing so in a parking spot at a place was the perfect place for it to happen. I just put the baby in the stroller and booked it to my husband's store and we sorted it out. Lots of running around and I cannot believe what an amazing baby I have. And I only had to make one phone call to get some help getting K's car back to him! Satisfied sigh here.

I HATE COCKROACHES. HATE THEM. My house could be cleaner, but over all it's clutter more than trash. They are coming in from outside and K and I cannot figure out from where. And to be fair, it's been two over the past month but they are disgusting and huge and freak me out more than I like to admit. I am so much bigger than them and they don't even bite or anything. But still. They freak me out. I am hoping so hard I don't have a little boy who loves bugs and who will want me to hold his discoveries while he runs off to find more. Calling pest control again on Tuesday by the way.

I'm reading Bossypants by Tina Fey and I LOVE HER. I have for a long time anyway, but I am really enjoying her book. In a way I'm glad I can't really just sit down and devour it the way I used to devor books pre-baby because I'm forced to savor the pieces I can read. I like her style and I just like her. I wish I could be that cool. And funny. And pretty. Maybe it's a bit of a girl crush... Whatever, the book is awesome.

Finally got to catch up on some Oprah and really enjoyed the sit down with the Obamas. I caught his DNC key note address and have followed him since then. I like him as President. But if I could only sit and talk to one of them, I would choose Mrs. Obama with no hesitation. I have a lot of respect for her and the way she's handled things in general. Plus, I love her parenting philosophies. AND, she even told Oprah that she was wrong about her ideas of what her daughters should be expected to do! OPRAH! But yeah, S will probably be generally unhappy with the list of chores he will eventually be expected to do. But I too cringe at the thought of my teenager saying he's never cooked or done laundry. I want my kids to be productive members of society and God-seekers. I will do my absolute best to see both to fruition. I can only do so much, but I can certainly expect cleanliness and practice the ability to follow recipes with my kid(s)!

So that's what's been on my mind!

lay down your sweet head

2011-05-19T23:46:00.000-05:00

Today was such a long day with my little guy. I always love him to pieces but there are days when I would love it if I could just take a four hour nap in the middle of the day or go to the grocery store by myself.

I got snot wiped on me all day long, whining, crying, a bowl of cheerios dumped out in the middle of the grocery store and then of course more tears because there were no more cheerios... It was just a long day. I gave him a bath and he soaked my entire shirt as he was getting out.

But then I got him in pajamas and we cuddled on the couch for a little bit and he was completely and wonderfully adorable. And my patience meter filled up again (it wasn't quite empty but it was definitely lower than usual!) and we are good for another day tomorrow.

Being a mom is hard. But wonderful.

humpday happiness!

2011-05-18T21:29:00.000-05:00

A short list of things making me happy...

...lunch with my mom and my baby. They are crazy about each other and it's awesome.
...actually losing weight! Even though it's a drop in the bucket, it's a drop in the bucket!
...meeting so many completely cool moms lately.
...www.brccbandofmothers.com
..the little guy who is currently curled up in my lap, snoring.
...iced tea.
...mumford and sons
...being able to do laundry without a ginormous puddle of water on the floor!
...my amazing husband's back rubs
...the way my husband sometimes comes home and tells me he missed me during the day (especially because I miss him during the day).
...Twitter (@meljamc)
...my much shorter hair
...that insane rain we got last week!
...being able to take time to read real live books again.
...having three books that I actually own that I get to read and I'm excited about all three of them.
...making plans for my birthday already even though it's not even summer yet.
...trying out new recipes that end up being super yummy.
...my kiddo eats like a champ now!
...air conditioning
...ice cold water
...black coffee--I just kind of recently rediscovered it.

this is the stuff that drives me crazy

2011-05-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about the kinds of things I watch on tv and read.

We have a dvr and I've noticed that since we've had it, I watch WAY more tv than I ever did before. Sometimes I will record a series that looks interesting and then not be able to watch it until there's a handful of episodes on the dvr. Last week I caught up on a new show, Body of Proof, that is pretty good. I'm really glad the season finale is this week because I have to take a step back.

When S was first born and K had to go back to work and I started going places on my own with the baby, I would get irrationally afraid something awful was going to happen. I wouldn't go anywhere after the sun set because being out at night with my little baby made me super nervous and paranoid. And I would have horrible thoughts of hearing S crying and not being able to get to him for some reason. I didn't tell anyone because I thought I was crazy. It lessened over time (but there are still some places I just won't go after dark) and I found out a lot of new moms go through that.

Watching so many episodes of this show about a medical examiner made me start getting nervous that something awful was going to happen to me or my family. And I started thinking about the shows I watch and the stuff I read. I want to be influenced by positive and uplifting things. So shows about death and whatever are okay, but in really small doses. Definitely not in a five epsiode binge over two days.

And I read a lot of blogs. I use Google Reader, which I can't recommend enough... And I'm always looking for new stuff to read. I can access it all on my phone which is super handy. Awesomely, in the past few days, I've discovered that the plans for the Band of Mothers blog is to be updated several times a week and that my church has a brand new blog that a bunch of people are contributing to. Plus, the author of the book we're using for the Band of Mothers Squads right now also has a blog that she updates regularly.

This is a good start.

www.brccbandofmothers.com/blog
citychurchsa.wordpress.com
itakejoy.com

i don't want to wait for this life to be over

2011-05-16T23:08:00.000-05:00

I have noticed when I talk more about Weight Watchers and fitness efforts, I tend to be more on top of things. I've been talking to K about things but I thought maybe if I posted some thoughts that could help to.

I lost 3.2 pounds this week so yay for that! I have like a hundred million pounds to go but it's going to come off in very small increments so I just need to plod steadily along until I get there. I've struggled the past couple of months especially, thinking that I don't have time to cook things or just not having any ideas. It's always been hard for me to leave a few bites on a plate, and I have no idea why because my parents only expected us to try everything on our plates and never made us clean them. And I started drinking Dr. Pepper like a fiend again. My back is super achy all the time and I think a lot of it is my weight and also the fact I haven't been as active.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have met a ton of moms through my church which is all kinds of awesome in a variety of ways. But one thing I've noticed is most of the ones I've met that are just overflowing with activity and energy and kids are basically fit. And that's the thing, I want to be one of the moms that has active kids and is going from here to there all the time and whatever and I can't do it if I don't have the energy to do it and right now I mostly don't. I do okay but I know if I weighed less, ate better, and was more physically fit, it would certainly be a lot easier!

So tonight I made picadillo. Except I used ground turkey instead of ground beef, I measured out two teaspoons of canola oil to put in with the onions, and let me tell you, it was delicious. Still used potatoes and tomatoes and all the seasonings (minced garlic, garlic powder, salt, pepper, cumin, and a tiny dash of cinnamon) and it was super tasty and not nearly as greasy as when I've made it with beef. Definitely a keeper because even my husband who rolls his eyes when I mention using ground turkey thought it was good and not as heavy.

Small changes, here and there. That's what will get me to my goal weight!

2011-05-08T20:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day!

My first Mother's Day was really last year, but this year, I feel like a REAL mom. I feel like I've battled my way through sleeplessness, poopy diapers, tears (his plus mine, honestly), making decisions about how to raise a child, and making sure to choose my husband and show him I love him. I have a little bit of experience under my belt. It's such a tiny drop in the bucket but I feel like a mom. Last year I was still trying to get my feet under me. S was about two months old and Mother's Day was the first day of rotten painful gas for him. I spent a lot of the day walking and bouncing him while he screamed right into my ear, trying to get him more comfortable and also assuage my guilt for somehow inflicting it on him.

Anyway though, K really spent some time finding me cards from him and S. Plus, flowers, a really sweet gift AND he let me sleep in this morning. We went to church and after the service let out, I stood at the Band of Mothers booth with my cute camo hat and helped answer questions and get ladies signed up for small groups. The response was a little bit overwhelming to me so I'm excited to talk to the leader of everything this week and see what her impression is. I suspect it was a bit overwhelming to her as well because she had ordered 50 books for the campus bookstore and they were sold out by the time I was there for the 11:30 service today. I'm incredibly excited to be a part of this and that there are so many moms interested in meeting other moms and learning how to find joy and fulfillment in being a mother and protecting and teaching and loving our kids!

Yesterday I had a leadership meeting at 6:15 am and it was amazing. This is really my niche. I have so much to learn but I can serve and be fed at the same time and I am thrilled to be a part of this group of amazing women. I know that I have a need for being around other moms and learning about what the Bible has to say about raising kids and I can't be the only one. I think this is going to be a crazy time but also awesome.

I'm an excited and happy mama!

you and me, were meant to be

2011-05-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

I was adding a bunch of contacts to my phone and I opened up K's accidentally. It turns out that today, we have officially been together for five years! I am proud of us. A lot has happened during the past five years and really truly we are better than ever today. I doubt I'll remember the date that we decided to be an exclusive couple for much longer. Well, I didn't even really remember today, I happened to see it.

We had been dating for a little over a month before we had our DTR. Everyone has to do that at some point or another. Define the relationship. He started the conversation because he wanted to make sure we were on the same page. The awesome thing is he mentioned he was going to keep his options open, just in case. My heart fell a little, but I just said I would do the same thing. And he asked why and I told him, well, we need to be doing the same thing. One of us can't be committed to our relationship and the other one be looking around to see if there's a better option out there. For the most part, since that conversation we've really been at the same level of commitment.

Not to say we haven't had rough patches or there weren't times I thought we weren't going to make it. We also have work ahead of us because you have to put time in to maintain ANY relationship, but I think especially a marriage. I'm proud of us for getting to here. I'm excited for us that we have the whole future ahead of us. It wasn't love at first sight and I really had no idea I'd marry K when we first started dating. But as time goes on, I see how well suited we are for each other and I'm thankful every day for such a wonderful husband.

Yay for five years! And for over a year and a half of marriage in there!

i'm gonna bake you a pie with a heart in the middle

2011-05-06T22:05:00.009-05:00

Well, sleep training is making me a more productive mom. Instead of holding S for a couple of hours trying to get him to sleep, I'm keeping myself busy because it hurts my heart to hear him cry, even if it is a small amount of pain now to avoid a huge amount of pain later.

I made three strawberry pies for tomorrow. I made calamari and cheese steak sandwiches for dinner for me and K.

I am a tired mama.

...

2011-05-05T23:01:00.002-05:00

me: What's going on over there?
k: I'm playing a new game on my phone. It's called Fruit Ninja. If you like fruit, you'll love this game.

humpday happiness!

2011-05-04T23:15:00.000-05:00

A small list of things making me happy these days...

...C family hugs on the couch!
...Tuesday nights--my mom picks the kiddo up and I get to to go Bible study unencumbered. It's lovely!
...the Mominar I got to go to last weekend!
...my husband kisses me good night every single night.
...S is a walking fool!
...using coupons. Not like in Extreme Couponing, but in a way that keeps a little more money in our pockets.
...clean clothes.
...the Royal Wedding! So pretty!
...starting Weight Watchers again. And really meaning it (again). And doing well so far this week.
...trying to blog every day in May.
...How I Met Your Mother. Even S likes to "sing" the theme song!
...Black Russians. Can you call it a Tan Russian if you put a tiny bit of cream in it? I don't think I can drink at bars anymore.
...Sparkling water.
...Craigy Ferg

hush little baby don't say a word

2011-05-04T23:03:00.000-05:00

At S's last well baby appointment, his doctor told me I needed to teach him how to fall asleep on his own, rather than on me. She said that everyone wakes up in the middle of the night but we each know how to get comfortable again to go back to sleep. S's way to get comfortable again is to fall asleep on me, which means I have to get up and get him back to sleep. She said it wouldn't hurt him to cry and to do it now rather than when he knows real words or is in a bed he can get out of. I tried, based on my sister's experience, for five nights and it was completely miserable. Then he cried so hard he threw up and I realized I was just way out of my league and needed an actual book or something.

I kind of put it all off. My friend came to visit and that was going to disrupt the normal day to day schedule (in a wonderful way, but still) so I wanted to wait until after she went home. Then I got a book and read it and was set to go and S started really walking. The book suggested not starting sleep training while the baby is teething or if they have learned a new big skill because that really affects their sleep schedule. So, this was the week.

I've been dreading it. It is completely awful to hear my baby cry and not go to comfort him. But in this case, it has to be done so he can learn how to self soothe himself back to sleep. The book asks that you commit to one night at a time and says that most people see results in five nights. I figured I could do one night and even bargained with myself that if after two hours he was still hysterical, I'd just start again tomorrow.

We went through the normal bed time routine. Can I just say how freaking adorable he is about bath time? You can ask "Are you ready for a bath with bubbles?" and he will drop whatever he's doing and walk to the bathroom and try to open the door. I gave him a bottle (which is the next thing to go, by the way) and then we sat and chatted for a bit and then I took him to his crib. He started whimpering before I had even put him in his crib and was full on screaming by the time I was out the door. I waited five minutes, and went in. I could see his tear streaked face and he was reaching with both arms towards me. I followed the instructions and went back to the living room and set the timer for ten minutes. Same thing. I went back and set the timer for fifteen minutes. After about five minutes, it was considerably quieter. By the time fifteen minutes rolled around, it was silent. I snuck in, and sure enough, S was laying down, snoring. He looked exactly like he does when I let him fall asleep on me and then put him in the crib.

I was dreading this all of last week and it was so easy! I mean, ridiculously hard to not pick up S when he was reaching for me, but it wasn't just to be mean, but so much less crying than I was anticipating!

Do you know what this means?! I might be able to go to sleep at a decent hour on a regular basis AND sleep all the way through the night! The world is so much easier to face on more than four hours of sleep!

...

2011-05-03T17:14:00.000-05:00

me: I'm baby-free for a few hours!
k: party like it's 1999!
me: I kinda just want to take a shower and a nap.
k: I'm sure people did that in 1999.

you are true, you are true, even in my wandering

2011-05-03T16:03:00.000-05:00

K and I started going to church five or six weeks ago and actually haven't missed a Sunday since we started. There's this church down the road from the Starbucks he works at and just about all the pastors are regulars. I actually remember most of them from when I was working at that store as well. They like to have meetings there or just stop and get drinks on the way to and from places. We decided to try their church first because of the way they all are at Starbucks. No one is perfect, and we certainly don't expect them to be. But all of them are nice. And genuine. Really, those two things go a long way. When you can see that someone is trying to do the right thing in a situation as small as getting coffee and pastries on a regular basis, over a series of years even, I think it says a lot.

So when we decided we were going to go to church as a family and there are probably literally thousands of churches in San Antonio, we just decided to try theirs first and see what it was like. We LOVE it. The music is loud and GOOD. The speakers have challenged us every week but also given us something practical we can do every week. K and I talk about the Bible verses or the message through the week. We've been checking S into one year old church and although that hasn't been something he's crazy about, I think it's good for all three of us. He gets to play with different toys, meet other kids, and know that if we drop him off, we're coming back to get him.

We usually pick S up and then go back to the auditorium and chat with whoever we see that we know. I really like that part of the day as well. Everyone loves S, which is kind of like loving me. I think it's funny that everyone remembers his name and is slightly unsure of mine. I don't find it offensive or anything, because I think it's great that my little guy already makes such great impressions on people. A couple of weeks ago, one of the guys we were talking to basically told us he wasn't trying to or planning on pressuring us but he was excited to see where and how we'd serve in the church. I had already been thinking about it and I had a few ideas. Whenever I think of new things to do though, I always get stuck on what to do with S. He's too big for me to just take with me and it not be cumbersome at all. He wants to run around and explore and touch things and take things apart and put them back together. He's too little for me to expect him to sit next to me or to sit in a particular area and keep himself entertained. There's nothing wrong with any of this, but it makes it difficult to think about volunteering somewhere.

Saturday, I got to go to a woman's ministry event called the Mom:Inar. I completely loved it. It was so nice to get encouragement and feel pampered and be able to go home and feel refreshed. I'm not the only mom who struggles to keep on top of laundry! I'm not the only mom who gets nervous about making a weekly commitment to something on top of everything I'm already doing! I'm not the only mom who wants to read to my baby on a regular basis but has no idea WHAT to actually read! They are about to launch a new program called Band of Mothers and I am really excited to have a small group that is all moms. I talked to the leader afterward because I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I can help in so many different ways! I can serve and be fed at the same time, and I totally don't have to worry about S because it's going to be doing stuff with other moms so they will either understand or we will have childcare available.

I'm really excited to be going to church as a family. I'm really excited to be going to THIS church as a family. I'm really excited to dig in and get my hands dirty and help do something for other moms.

It's a good feeling.

how wonderful life is when you're in the world

2011-05-02T16:07:00.039-05:00

S woke up for an early morning feeding, so I happened to get to see Kate Middleton arrive at Westminster Abbey live. I had set up my DVR to record both the Today Show coverage and the BBC coverage so I could watch later and fast forward through the boring parts. I have to admit though, I was thrilled to see her driving through the streets and arrive live and I gasped with delight when she stepped out of the car and I saw her full dress.

I think the wedding was beautiful and they looked so happy and in love it made me tear up a little bit. I don't know them and our paths will never cross. But I was glad for the chance to be unabashedly happy about something that was covered extensively in the news. It's been awhile since there has been an event to just be happy about.

My wedding was very very small and very simple. K and I got new clothes and honestly my dress ended up being much fancier than I had originally pictured. When we decided to get married, we wanted to get some new clothes, have our immediate family with us at the court house, and all go out to dinner to celebrate and some place we didn't normally eat like The Cheesecake Factory. My mom kind of said no to this plan, but in a good way. My parents told us they had planned on paying for a wedding celebration for me like they did my sister so we should live it up a little bit. Hence the fancier than intended dress (that I got to shopping for with a friend, my mom, and my grandmother who lives out of state so that was a really special afternoon), the flowers, the limo, the photographer, and the meal at The Palm.

I remember being absolutely elated. There was so much family drama in the week before that K and I really made a lot of effort to have a wedding ceremony just for the two of us without worrying about where anyone else was or what they were doing or what they were thinking. We were all in this tiny room (the judge's chambers) but it still felt like it was just me, K, and the judge. I didn't cry because I knew that if I let one tear slip, it would be hard to get it under control. K was very handsome and I felt beautiful. I'm thankful my photographer friend offered to take some pictures for us because I love my little album. And when K and I took our marriage certificate straight downstairs to file it with the county and we got that little bit of time as a brand newly married couple doing something together, well, it was just lovely to have start to sink in and it just be the two of us.

I know that we are not as good looking people as William and Kate and we didn't have nearly the money they did for the ceremony and we had 16 guests. But I felt as happy and beautiful and giddy on my wedding day as they looked on theirs. And that's why I think it's so lovely that they shared so much with the whole world. I hope they are very happy and in love for the rest of their lives.

newsletter: month 12

2011-05-01T23:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Samson,

Sometimes when I'm at the doctor office or someone I don't know very well asks me what your birthday is, I say March 11 and then correct myself to say it's the 13th. Last year, I was admitted to the hospital on the 11th and you made your way out on the 13th. It was a bit of a long and arduous labor that ultimately ended in an emergency c-section. I remember how everything happened and can definitely retell the story, but I'm not sure how much it actually matters in talking to you.

It was a difficult pregnancy and a difficult labor but none of that was your fault. I don't intend on holding that against you. I'm just so thankful you and I were able to make it through that nine months and also this past year! When I first caught a glimpse of you, I gasped at how gorgeous I thought you were. You were ticked at being out in the open air and the team of doctors and nurses that were waiting for you wasted no time in making sure you were okay. As my team of doctors and nurses were sewing me back up, Daddy and I watched as you were cleaned up and checked out. Daddy got to take pictures and then someone haphazardly put my glasses back on my face and handed you, all nicely bundled and capped, to Daddy and we took our first family picture.

I got to hold you as they wheeled me back to the labor and delivery room where family was waiting to find out if you were a boy or a girl and what your name was. A nurse wrote "Happy Birthday Samson Luciano" on the white board in our room. And Daddy and I held you and marveled at you and each other, and the best adventure of my life started a fresh chapter.

This past year has been the simultaneously best and hardest of my life. I've gone from trying to survive to trying to intentionally parent you, even though you are just now turning one year old. I had no idea I could love like this and no clue that my heart would just grow to try to contain all the love I have for you and the new kind of love I have for your Daddy. For all the sleepless nights (and days), spit up, poop, tears (yours and mine), laundry, and other awkward times, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I was meant to be your Mama and you were meant to be my son. I have absolutely no doubt of this and am so excited to see what kind of toddler, kid, teenager, and adult you will be.

Right now, you are cruising along furniture and I think you're just going to start walking like a pro any day. In the meantime, you seem pretty satisfied by crawling like a maniac. You startle me sometimes with how fast you are! You love to get into any open door (like say the fridge) without warning so you can see what all is inside.

At your birthday party, Daddy and I got to see some of our concentrated efforts pay off. You insisted on opening up each birthday card yourself to see what was inside. Someone asked us how we taught you to do that, convinced it was a trick you learned for the party. But really, it's that we read to you so much that you not only know how books work but you are interested in them. I think you know that you'll be able to read them all by yourself soon enough but if you start trying to operate them now, you might get that ability faster. I am thrilled. I don't expect you to be the smartest kid in your class, but I do expect that you will read. I want you to be hungry for knowledge and know that the best way to find information is to read. I want you to get lost in other worlds and have a bigger vocabulary than other kids your age because you just keep reading. But for now, I just love that one of the few times you'll let me snuggle you is when you're in my lap listening and looking as I read to you.

One of my hopes for you is that you will live up to your name and be a light to those around you. I can say with certainty that you bring light to the faces of those around you now. You are a very strong little guy and I hope that as you grow up, you have more than physical strength. I hope you have strong faith, kindness, emotional stability, and strong ethics. I hope you are a healthy and productive member of society who is a God seeker. I hope I get to see you accomplish big things, in your own life and in the world.

Samson, Daddy and I will be here for you no matter what. You will be able to ask us questions and know we will tell you the truth. You will be able to come to us and tell us difficult things and know we will still love you. You will be able to turn to us in times of happiness and in times of sadness.

You are off to an amazing start! May there be many more birthdays to celebrate and may you be celebrated by as many people as you are this year on your first one. Don't ever doubt that you are significant or that you are loved.

Thanks for making me a Mama, Samson. The best and hardest title I've ever gotten to claim.

I love you.

Love, Mama

newsletter: month 11

2011-02-13T22:59:00.002-06:00

Dear Samson,

Holy crap balls, you are eleven months old! Daddy and I just got your birthday party invitations and are about to send them out. We had a really good time going through all the pictures we have of you and exclaiming about how small you used to be and what a little boy you look like now. I can hardly believe that are almost a whole year old!

You crack me up at least once a day. You know how to shake your head no but it's not always conversationally appropriate. Sometimes it is though and I'm still not sure how much of that is coincidence and how much is you really understanding and responding. You're very smart though, and you do communicate with me an awful lot for a little baby. But about the laughing. You will shake your head no just before you do something you're not supposed to. Also if you bump into something, you'll often sit back and shake your head no. Sometimes I laugh because you have just burst out with random laughter all by your little self in the middle of the room. Other times it's because you've taken my face in mine and blown me a kiss or the way you smile when you see my hair down. You're completely adorable, even when you're being a huge stinker.

You pull my hair and you steal my glasses right off my face. You spit food right back at me sometimes and you act like we're trying to poison you when we offer and encourage finger foods. Sometimes you will cry like your heart is broken because Daddy picked you up and you wanted me or vice versa. You determindly crawl into the kitchen even though we put up a baby gate and you constantly find pieces of paper to chew on even though we have to dig them out so you stop gagging. I am fascinated by watching you process things and try new ways to get places or how you play with the same toy in a variety of ways. But I'm still going to teach you how to say, "My name is Samson, and I can be a stinker" because it's totally true.

A few times in the past week, you've pulled yourself up on some furniture and then let go and stood all by yourself for a minute or two before sitting down and crawling away. Sometimes if I set you down on the floor, you'll stand unassisted for a little bit and look around deciding where to go. You cruise around the living room like a little pro and I really think you'll be walking before you turn one. When Daddy and I are walking back and forth in the hallway and you're crawling inbetween our feet, I can see you trying to process how to walk like we do. I am excited to see where you want to explore and how you will get there but I'm also a little nervous. You just are not such a baby anymore.

I see glimpses of both me and Daddy in your personality all the time, all mixed in with everything you are just by yourself. I see you lean back and take things in and react only when you really need to just like Daddy does. And I see how you watch me do something and listen to me explain it to you and then insist on doing it your own way anyway just like how I do. My biggest hope is that I can show you that it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to follow someone's example and it's okay to not always know how to do everything by yourself. I love that you are okay in a room of strangers if you can still see me or Daddy in the room with you. You're a huge charmer of strangers when we go out to eat or are running errands. I'm not sure if I have a heartbreaker on my hands or just a very friendly little guy. But I couldn't be happier that I get to just hang around and find out.

Sometimes, especially after a particularly long night, I wish that I had gotten married and had a baby when I was younger. It is a lot harder for me to bounce back after very little sleep! But overall, I'm glad that I'm your mom as a thirty year old. I have a lot more patience than I did five or ten years ago. I have a lot more confidence in myself. I trust myself more. I can see what you need better now than I know I would have been able to five or ten years ago. I'm going to make a hundred million more mistakes and you're going to yell at me and slam the door and be frustrated, but I'm coming at all this parenthood stuff from a good place. I love you like crazy and I always will.You are simply amazing.

Thank you again for making me a mama.

I love you, Samson.

Love, Mama

humpday happiness

2011-02-09T23:51:00.000-06:00

Some stuff that is making me happy...

...impromptu (kind of) coffee dates with good friends!
...making my son laugh every night by making up silly songs while I get him ready for bed.
...clean clothes.
...a nice warm house on a very cold day.
...making new mommy friends.
...my husband apparently working on some super secret Valentine's day something.
...planning date night!
...my very long hair, even though I still don't do all that much with it.
...cold beer.
...the redesign at jezebel.com
...that darth vader car commercial!
...carmex
...playing Words With Friends.
...tax refunds
...Superbowl commercials in general
...planning S's first birthday party!

2011-02-09T23:34:00.000-06:00

I have a hard time letting go sometimes.

When I first started dating my now husband, he had this friend who was very prominent in his life. She was the source of many frustrations for me and an active instigator of problems or attempted problems between me and him. Over the past few years I have gone from being blindingly angry whenever she's been or tried to be a part of my life in any way to trying to be friendly to deciding it was okay to just not want to engage any more at all. My son was born during the time that I was attempting to be friendly but since she didn't come by the hospital during our extended stay or talk to me at all about visiting or congratulate me or anything like that, I figured she had finally decided to move on. It turned out that she hadn't, and even though she and I had never talked about her seeing my son, she has decided I use him as a weapon against K's friends by not letting any of them see him. That's ridiculously untrue but you can't reason with an unreasonable person. She sent me a nasty email in October and after K called her and asked her what she was thinking, she decided to end their friendship and all communication.

I should just be glad. In the height of my frustration and anger with her, I remember thinking that I didn't want her at my wedding and I would never let her hold any of my babies. It came true... K and I with our super small court room wedding didn't invite any friends because we could barely handle all the family drama as it was and I never knew she even wanted to come see S. I'm glad I didn't have to sort out all the conflicted feelings that would have arisen in either case.

But you know what? I still want to have my say. I want to tell her exactly what I think of her and why both me and K are better off for her not being in our lives any more. I want to respond to that nasty email line by line. I want to tell her I hope her son meets someone exactly like her and that girl does everything she did to K to him. Everything. I want her to write me a check for all the times I helped K make sure all the bills were paid while they were roommates. I want to make her cry.

Truthfully I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this. But any time I do spend is more than I should.

It's over and done with, I should be able to just forget it all and move on.

you might be a mom if...

2011-02-08T23:28:00.000-06:00

I have a movie review I forgot to finish, so I'll post it maybe tomorrow... Monday Movie Reviews may just be back! Yay!

And for my actual post today... Some things I was thinking about in regards to motherhood.

You know you're a mom when...

...you don't expect to be able to poop in peace.
...you REALLY enjoy watching Sesame Street.
...baby poop, drool, snot, spit up, pee, etc doesn't faze you.
...you go to the grocery store with your hair halfway combed and are just glad you got two matching shoes on.
...the idea of sleeping in makes you wistful for a moment.
...Little People are REALLY fun to play with.
...you cheer for really random things.
...you can do almost everything one handed without a second thought.
...you find yourself talking in the third person to someone who has a tenuous at best grasp on English.
...pictures from six months ago make you tear up.

More as I think of them!

2011-02-06T23:30:00.016-06:00

I went to my parent's house to watch the commercials during the Super Bowl. To be honest, I know a fair amount about football. I just don't care about it at all. I don't want S playing it because there is literally a national fund for paralyzed high school football players. That scares the crap out of me. A freak accident can happen at any time, but it's not as much of a FREAK accident if there's a national fund already set up to support victims. Basketball, soccer, track, golf, karate, whatever else he wants is totally fine by me. Except wrestling. Same exact issue.

Anyway, K had to work and S and I loaded up the car and went over to my parent's house and ate too much yummy food and played and talked and laughed and watched some tv. And the thing that was really great to me was watching my parents interact with S. They love him to pieces and he clearly adores them as well. He's a really smart little kid and he surprises my parents with the way he plays with toys sometimes. It's great.

I love my family very much. I feel really lucky to be able to see my parents pretty much whenever I want to and I'm hoping to eventually get to know K's family in a way that allows the same kind of interactions.

Good times, good times.

i'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you

2011-02-05T23:15:00.000-06:00

I have never known sleep deprivation like I do as a mom.

I love being a mom. I love my son more than I ever knew was possible. But there are days, like today, when I would love to get back into bed and just stay there for five or six hours.

When I was pregnant, I hated it when people would tell me to make sure to get sleep because I wouldn't be able to later. First of all, once I hit the third trimester, I couldn't really sleep all that well anyway. I would just lay in bed next to my husband and listen to him breathe or snore and read blogs and whatnot on my phone. Secondly, even if I was sleeping 20 hours a day, it's not like I was storing it up in some sort of bank I could make withdrawals out of now. Thirdly, as a pregnant lady I intensely disliked when people would tell me what I was in for because I knew from my nieces and nephew that no two babies are alike, no two moms are alike, and no two home situations are alike. It just got on my nerves to have someone so knowingly tell me what things would be like especially because the most likely people to share these kinds of things didn't know me all that well.

My whole goal every night is to be in bed myself at 1 am to be able to watch/fall asleep to Friends on tv. Sometimes I make it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes, like last night, I was actually in bed several hours before 1 but just as I drifted off to sleep, the baby woke up. I walk a fine line when that happens. I want to make sure I'm awake enough to figure out what he needs but stay asleep enough that once I get him settled back in his crib I can go back to sleep myself. Sometimes that is super tricky. And some nights when I have him asleep in my arms and I lay him down in his crib and he pops right up, I pick him up with tears in my eyes because I am really that tired.

In most ways I am really glad that I waited awhile (at least compared to my family history and sister and cousins) to have my first baby. I have a lot more patience and understanding now than I did ten years ago. I have a husband who has a lot more patience and understanding of me than he did five years ago when we first met. But sometimes I wish that I still had the same energy and ability to stay up ridiculously late and get up early and be just fine. I know I could figure it all out if I was working full-time, but right now I'm thankful I'm a stay at home mom and can take naps when S naps sometimes.

let it snow let it snow let it snow

2011-02-04T22:50:00.000-06:00

San Antonio just had 65 straight hours of freezing temperatures. I realize that in many parts of the country that's not particularly a big deal, but it kind of is here in south central Texas. Last night we had freezing drizzle that turned into a layer of ice everywhere and after a few hours of that, it actually snowed. The official measurement was 0.4", which again, is not much compared to maybe most of the country, but is a big deal here! The last time it snowed was seven years ago. But about four years ago, there was a big ice storm that similarly shut the city down because things like this happen so rarely that San Antonio just doesn't have the equipment to deal with it.

When S woke up this morning, we bundled him up and went outside for pictures. This kid has had an amazing life already. He's been to another state, been on an airplane, and been in snow in Texas all before turning one year old!

Most of the snow melted by about 2 pm today, but there's still a few patches on our lawn that were sheltered by shadows all day. And part of our little sidewalk up to our house is icy tonight. We're back in the midst of a 12 hour freeze, but tomorrow's forecast of 60 is going to feel downright balmy.

pinto beans and picadillo

2011-02-03T22:31:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to lose weight and I really enjoy cooking. I've been working on making meal planning by at least the week a habit because it makes grocery store trips so much easier and cheaper. This is all culminating in a lot of really good meals and leftovers at home.

Tonight, pinto beans and picadillo with flour tortillas is what we're having. K and I are trying to get away from using the seasoning packets you can pick up even though they're super cheap. They tend to have either a lot of sodium or a lot of sugar you can avoid if you season things yourself. I'm trying to be mindful of being healthy for me and K right now but also for S to grow up eating good homemade food. I hope that I can teach him just by showing him that it's easy to eat healthy at home and still eat really good food. And also that it's important, easy, and fun to have physical activity in your life on a daily basis. Hopefully I'll get there myself on that one soon!

So anyway, pinto beans. Super easy. Super delicious. And a side benefit is your house smells amazing all day long. First, you have to either soak the beans overnight or do a quick soak where you boil them for an hour. Allegedly this helps you to not have gas when you eat them, but based on my experience with my husband last night, I'm going to say that I either didn't do it right or there's something else to add to it later to make it really non gas inducing. Then, you put them in a pot with a white or yellow onion cut in medium sized chunks, a hunk of pork fat, a jalapeno or two, and minced garlic. Cover the whole thing with water so there's about two inches of water covering it all. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat to very low and put a lid about halfway over the pot. Let simmer for at least four hours. But longer is totally fine. Check every 45 minutes to an hour to make sure there's water covering the whole mess of goodness. About two hours into it or so, I taste the broth and see how it is. I usually add garlic powder and pepper to taste. They turn out really yummy. And if you want, you can make refried beans the next day. All you do is pour leftover beans in a pan, add a little bit of oil, and heat them and mash them all up.

And picadillo. I did one pound of ground sirloin, half a yellow onion, two small potatoes, a can of diced tomatoes, and a jalapeno. You put the onion, cubed potato, and beef (you could use ground chicken or turkey if you want too) in the pan and cook it all together. Make sure all the beef is crumbled and cooked through. Season it with salt, pepper, a small amount of cinnamon, cumin, and garlic powder. When the beef is cooked, add the can of tomatoes and mix in well. Add about half a can of water and stir it all up and then cover the pan to make sure the potatoes get nice and soft. You can eat this as a taco filling, by itself, or top off a bowl of beans with it. It's delicious!

So there's my random meal tips for the day!

humpday happiness

2011-02-02T23:16:00.000-06:00

A small list of things making me happy these days...

...finally starting to actually feel better! It only took 5 days of Tamiflu and 10 days of antibiotics but I think I'm on the mend!
...a husband who wants to cuddle every night. That's not code for anything, but our sex life is great too.
...watching channel 4 news every weeknight.
...How I Met Your Mother
...planning S's first birthday party!
...this cold weather!
...having a nice cozy home to be in during all this cold weather.
...lengthy phone calls with Californian friends
...S standing next to me as I prepare his bubble bath, watching intently and with anticipation even though it literally happens the same way every night.
...being able to put a bunch more stuff in our recycle bin than in our trash bin. I'm from California, yo.
...talking about Valentine's Day plans with K
...the possibility of snow tomorrow!
...reading blogs (if you know of any good ones, let me know!)
...Top Chef All Stars
...eating better and making plans with K about how to do even better
...simmering things while it's cold outside
...Chinese food delivery
...nice and hot showers
...Dr. Pepper

baby baby baby oh

2011-02-01T22:25:00.000-06:00

Tentatively I want to post something every day this month.

Writing is very healing for me. I haven't been traumatized recently or anything like that, but writing helps me sort my head out and be able to let things go. It's been an intense year, eighteen months or so and a lot has happened. I think maybe if I can get back into posting on my blog, it'll also be easier to get back into my personal journaling.

I think this is going to be good.

should old acquaintance be forgot?

2011-01-01T17:59:00.014-06:00

Happy New Year!

I actually got to do almost exactly what I wanted to do this New Year's Eve. Everyone in my house was still a little sick, so we opted to skip any gathering and stay at home. Ki and I had a bottle of sparkling wine at midnight and since we miraculously had gotten S to sleep before midnight as well, we went outside and watched all the fireworks we could see from our porch before we got too cold and went back inside. S ended up waking up awhile later and then refusing to go right back to sleep but it was okay. Ki and I stayed up together with him and then talked way too late after he did finally go to sleep. It was nice to just be the three of us for a holiday gathering.

I love our families and I love that we have so many relatives that live right here in San Antonio. We're definitely blessed and I'm so excited that S gets to grow up with grandparents right here! He will most likely have a lovely cheering section at any event he participates in as he gets older. I got a little overwhelmed with all the holiday gatherings this year for some reason. I think that next year we will be able to strike a better balance between upholding my traditions, Ki's traditions, and creating our own traditions with S. Sometimes you have to do things the hard way before you see how you can do it a lot easier.

I think it's going to be a good year. We're really starting to get this three member family thing down and Ki and I are such a good team. I'm glad the shiny-ness of our marriage hasn't worn off yet. I suppose it will at some point, but for now, I still get a little thrill every time I hear him call me his wife or when I get to introduce him as my husband.

I have some resolutions, but I want to think about them a little more before I write about them here. But one is to definitely write more here. So, yay? :)

...

2010-12-29T20:02:00.000-06:00

I just got a new computer, thanks to my very generous parents. They upgraded and cleaned out some closets and made me and K a very nice deal. We had already started socking money away into a new computer fund so we're halfway there and because it's my parents, we already have all the new to us gear.

I get really excited about having new gadgets and technology. And I'm really excited about the new computer because I feel like I enter into the realm of Internet sharing that everyone else has been a part of for years now. YouTube. Skype. I'm just a happy girl.

...

2010-12-16T18:53:00.000-06:00

Him: I need some boxes so I can wrap your Christmas presents. Do you think they have them here?

Me: Yes, the next aisle over.

Him: Hmmm.... I'm not sure which ones to get.

Me: Why don't you tell me what you got and I'll help you get the right size of box?

Him: You're ridiculous.

Me: Just trying to help.

Him: Oh, these lingerie boxes will probably work. But I'm not going to put lingeire in them.

Me; Your loss.

newsletter: month 9

2010-12-13T22:48:00.000-06:00

Dear Samson,

I just laid you down in your crib with my fingers crossed that you'll stay asleep until at least 7 am. First you were asleep on my chest for about an hour and a half because every time I moved, your little eyes would pop open and you'd cry a little bit until I got you calmed back down and asleep. I am certain that some people would criticize the fact that I don't have you cry it out in your crib very often. You're not on a strict schedule and I don't worry very much about things like that. Sometimes when I can't get you to stay asleep in your crib I wonder if I should change things. But then I start to think about how incredibly quickly the past nine months have gone by and I just try to soak everything I can up. Right now, you will cuddle with me and sleep all over me. Right now, I am completely hysterical because I make silly faces and sounds and startle you. Right now, I can kiss you all over your sweet little face without much complaining on your end. I suspect that although I will always want to kiss you all over your sweet little face, it won't really be much longer before you revolt. So, for right now, I'm trying to savor all the times you want just me to hold you until you're relaxed enough to sleep.

Something that is great about being a new parent is getting to experience so many things for the first time again in a way. Daddy and I are so excited to have your first Christmas with you! It's going to be a lot of fun because we think you are just old enough to get the hang of unwrapping paper off of boxes and we know you're going to love the toys we got you. We got to go buy stockings for our whole little family so they'd be ready for Santa to fill on Christmas Eve. Getting ornaments out makes me so excited to see what ornaments we'll be buying for you over the years to mark accomplishments and interests. It's just all so exciting!

You are a little crawling machine who enjoys finding things that no one thought were accessible to play with. You crawl up on all fours unless you want to go really fast and that's when you drop down to an army crawl and swiftly take off, usually down the hallway at our house. You are also pulling yourself up on everything and anything you can and taking a few careful and guided steps along furniture. Sometimes you'll be in the middle of the room and it looks like you're going to just stand up without the aid of anything at all. I kind of think you can, but am glad that you always just drop back down and crawl over to something that has caught your eye. You are only nine months old. There is plenty of time for walking and running later!

I love you like crazy, little man. You are truly a fun little kid and I'm so lucky to be your mama. Here's to month 10 and I suspect the two additional little teeth in that cute mouth of yours!

Love, Mama

seven quick takes

2010-11-12T22:03:00.000-06:00

1. My little guy, who is not yet eight months old, is pulling himself up to stand where ever and whenever he can. Last night, in fact, I went to check on him in his crib because he was crying and he was standing in the corner of his crib holding on to the railing crying. The mattress is getting lowered tonight, folks. I knew that I needed to when the other day I went in to get him in the morning and he was sitting up with his hands on the rail. His learning curve startles me quite a bit. He's so deliberate with his actions and movements. It's completely fascinating to watch. P.S. He's now wearing size 18 month clothes.

2. I completely love reconnecting with people on Facebook. It makes me so happy to catch up with someone I haven't talked to in years! It's kind of tricky sometimes now though because my married name is very different than my maiden name. I quickly realized that if I kept my married name as my middle name and listed it, people would just not even try to say my married name. So I'm just Melissa Calo-oy everywhere and gently correct people when they say it wrong, or know it's me when someone is standing up saying "Uh...Melissa?" rather than Mrs. Calo-oy. But I make sure that my profile picture is me or at least as me in it so if someone happens to be looking for me, they can kind of see it's ME.

3. The losing weight thing is not going so great these days. It's not so much a plateau as it is a seeming inability to give up Dr. Pepper and not walking or exercising as much as I had been just a short time ago. I'm slowly starting back up again with walking at least once a day and taking S out so we can both get some fresh air and vitamin D. And I'm not giving up. I'm just irritated with myself. I understand that to lose weight I just need to consume less calories than I burn each day. It helps that I have jeans that fit better so I can feel when I lose a tiny bit... I don't want to go clothes shopping too much though because really, I need to lose such a significant amount of weight that I want to go shopping when it'll be a little more fun to buy clothes. And the baby stretches out the necks in all my shirts and I'm not ready to buy new ones just for them to get all stretched out again. I was thinking the other day that at S's first birthday party it would be fun to have a bunch of pictures out in a recap of the year and if I lose 30-40 pounds before March then I would get tons of compliments because it would be such a huge difference from right after he was born. Yes, I am shallow enough that this could work as decent motivation. But you know what? Already I've lost and kept off 52 pounds from the time he was born. That's nothing to sneeze at, it's just not as noticeable when you still have a lot to lose.

3. S will be 8 months old tomorrow. K and I are already daydreaming about his first birthday party. We're having it at our house and it'll be pretty low key except for the fact we are inviting a ridiculous amount of people. We won't be trying to top it when he turns 2 or anything! It'll be a BBQ or something similar with cake and whatnot and kids will be welcome of course but I don't know how many kids will actually be there. But we want everyone to come celebrate with us. It'll be so exciting for S to turn one but it'll also be so exciting to me and K that we survived the first year of being parents! Our first year of marriage was so crazy and we're starting to settle down a little bit and we feel like it's a good opportunity to be really excited about something and have a bunch of people over to be excited with us. K wants to make fliers that say "Samsonpalooza" We'll see.

4. I love Twitter and wish I knew more people in real life who used it. You can find me at www.twitter.com/meljamc.

5. The only thing I liked about my last job was on the weekends when the cooks would let me cook my own food. They showed me little grill cooking tricks like putting a little butter or oil on a bun and setting it on the grill to toast up. I think it would be kind of fun to get to cook like that all the time, with a huge grill right in front of you that was super hot. I would hate to have the hours that those guys did though. My hours as a food service operator sucked ass and they were always there when I got there and still there as I was leaving.

6. I really truly hope that one day I live in a spot where it gets cooler and stays cooler once Fall hits. Although sometimes I think with global warming that it's not going to be like that anywhere for much longer. I don't know, but the weather seems to act differently than it did when I was a kid. It's hard to say how much of that is fact and how much if that is me paying attention in a different way as an adult.

7. Sometimes at night, my husband will be snoring on one side of me and I will hear the baby snoring on the monitor on the other side of me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. They're my two favorite guys, you know.

we're like good times that haven't happened yet

2010-11-07T17:19:00.000-06:00

Last night, K and I went to go see Bob Schneider at Floore's Country Store. This is one of our favorite things to do and we really try to go see him every time he plays. We love his music and we also really love Floore's. We had even considered renting it out and getting married there, which I'm sure would have been quite the conversation fodder for my California family especially. There's boots hanging from the ceiling and a ginourmous Texas flag behind the stage. It would have been kind of awesome, but I'm still happy with what our ceremony was.

I love live music. I used to go to shows all the time and every time I get the chance now, I am flooded with memories of other live music events and the desire to add to the list as much as possible. It's tougher now. Southern California was an optimal place to live for going to shows, big and small. San Antonio is not so much. It's a big city, but generally artists go to Dallas, Houston, or Austin when they come through Texas. There's smaller venues, like Floore's, but it's trickier to get it all set up to be able to go out with the baby now. I'm basically content going to see Bob as much as we can here in Helotes and I'd like to see Dave Matthews Band and Ani DiFranco the next time they come through the state if I can. We'll see!

It's so much fun to me to watch other people enjoying the live music in various ways. There's people who crowd the stage, there's those with cameras, there's those who are so engrossed in conversations they seem oblivious to the music, there's those who dance, there's those who watch those who dance... And then watching the band is great too. Just because a song sounds great doesn't mean the band is really into it that night and vice versa. I like watching the small interactions between the musicians and sometimes the sound guy/gal.

Last night was another little milestone for us because we left S with a non-family baby-sitter. Everything went fine but as with any new thing I was a bit nervous. S was of course still up when we got home. I guess he went to sleep but then woke up a couple of hours later and was inconsolable. It just took about thirty minutes to get him back to sleep and he didn't wake up again until this morning. It's a strange thing to leave your baby at home or with someone else. I want everything to go smoothly, but at the same time there is a small piece of me that wants him to miss me a little bit. I want him to have grand adventures as a baby, a kid, and as an adult, but I want him to want to tell me about them right away. And I guess right now the version of that is him stubbornly staying awake until I get home. Hopefully soon it will just be a delighted smile and squeal when he sees that it's me in the morning. Being a mom is tricky. Hard, awesome, tiring, and fulfilling all at the same time.

Maybe we can have a regular date night again because that would be really great for me and K. Yay for free and cheap baby-sitting!

humpday happiness

2010-09-15T23:29:00.000-05:00

A small list of things making me happy these days...

...S sits up on his own now! It's adorable because sometimes he's just so darn proud of himself.
...friends that have rolled up their sleeves and worked hard to help me and K
...friends who will just listen to me sometimes
...meeting a bunch of K's family that I had never met before!
...Five Guys cheeseburger. I would happily spend an entire week's worth of bonus Weight Watcher points on one meal there.
...doing things I've never done before, and doing them fairly well!
...Dr. Pepper. This is making me way too happy actually. I need to cut waaaaay back. Sigh. :)
...thinking about things to do when a very good CA friend comes to visit at some point or another!
...how happily S will watch Wonderpets even if the show does annoy me quite a bit
...Mary Kay sales! (www.marykay.com/melissacalo-oy --hint hint)
...having plans for a hair cut this weekend!
...TWO DAYS UNTIL OUR ONE YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!
...returning things I don't need in order to get things I DO need and feeling like I somehow just got a bunch of stuff for free!
...it's actually cooling down a bit! Now if the humidity will kindly calm itself down...
...strong fingernails
...my husband, just in general

newsletter: month 6

2010-09-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Samson,

Time is really flying by, because you are six months old! That means in six months we'll be having a party to celebrate your first birthday! I better start writing down plans now so it doesn't completely sneak up on me.

You, my friend, are completely adorable. I get stopped every single time I go out in public. At least one stranger will tell me how cute you are. You've gotten a little stingy with the smiles for strangers, but I think that's actually really reasonable. People tell me that you should be a little model. Honestly, I don't even know how to go about seeing if that's a possibility. I'm fine if the only pictures we have of you are the ones Daddy and I take. And you can be as stingy with your smiles as you want as long as I still get those little grins.

Six months ago I was terrified I was going to mess something up and you would get taken away or I would get in trouble. Who or under what authority this was going to happen was a moot point. I just wanted to make sure I was doing everything right. You were so new and fragile and I was so tired and sore that somehow I felt immense pressure to make sure everything was just right. Sometimes people would offer to do things and I felt like I couldn't accept it because I had to be able to do everything myself first. I tried to be polite when I declined but now I would like to go and explain that I've relaxed and if anyone ever wants to take the carrier, me and my back will gratefully take the break. But you know, I have to say I'm glad that I was determined to get everything down. I got to practice changing diapers on you when you were newborn and you'd scream your head off but basically stay still. Now, you're much happier but also much wigglier. I promise you, there's nothing to explore on the changing table. You don't have to roll over and reach every single time.

We've got a pretty good groove going. Daddy is working two jobs and you and I hang out at home or run errands. Daddy and I are working on getting the three of us into our own place and that should happen very soon. You're such a little trooper, hanging out with me while I clean or prep for painting or whatever at the new house. And car rides have gotten much better. You can entertain yourself by moving the canopy on your car seat but sometimes you'll cry when the sun gets in your eyes. I feel like this is the first of many many things I set up for you in a specific way on purpose and you stubbornly change only to "get the sun in your eyes" again. We'll see. It's just sometimes I see so much of myself in you I want to apologize profusely. I hope I can teach you how to handle yourself sooner than I figured out how to handle myself.

You sit up by yourself now, you can get up on all fours and then accidentally push yourself backwards when you're reaching for something in front of you, you eat baby food like gangbusters, you can reach for a bottle and kind of guide it to your mouth, you know how books "work" (you look to the right for the next page to appear), you LOVE your Grover doll, and you are the sweetest snuggler I know.

September is an important month for us. It's your half birthday and it's also me and Daddy's wedding anniversary month! We will have been married for one year this Saturday! We didn't get married only because we found out I was pregnant. We loved each other very much and tried to make our wedding as separate of an event from my pregnancy as we could. We decided we wanted all three of us to have the same last name when you were born and September was kind of a cool month to have our anniversary. August is my birth month. September is our wedding anniversary. October is Daddy's birth month. November is Thanksgiving. December is Christmas. January is New Year's. February is Valentine's Day and March is your birth month. When we decided to get married, we had a few goals for ourselves. One near the top was to make sure there was always enough love in our house that you would never feel like you forced us to get married. That wasn't the case at all. I don't know how many other people understand that and it doesn't even matter much. What matters is that you, Daddy, and I all know how it really happened. You have been the best surprise I could have ever thought of and I had no idea I had all of this love in my heart. Even more unexpectedly, I love Daddy more than I ever have and I love him in all kinds of new ways because of you being in our lives.

You burst onto the scene six months ago, Samson, and there's not a day that I am not ridiculously thankful for the pure joy you have brought into my life.

I love you.

Love, Mama

humpday happiness

2010-09-08T20:23:00.000-05:00

A list of things making me happy lately!

...the ridiculous amount of rain making the skies gorgeous
...my son practicing facial expressions at very random times
...losing a little bit of weight every single week since I started Weight Watchers
...the new muscle definition in my arms, even if I'm basically the only one who can see it
...watching movies in bed with my husband
...thinking about this time last year
...my baby said "mama" the other day!
...talking to my sister on the phone and hearing a chorus of "Hi Auntie!" in the background
...the fact I basically celebrated my birthday for a month
...eating at The Cove
...planning the next trip to The Cove
...working on the house we're going to be renting

movie review monday: the book of eli

2010-09-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

The Book of Eli

Rated: R

Violence, sexual situations suggested, general unhappiness, and no one has any soap

I have this friend who told me that Denzel Washington is a good actor, but he plays the same part in every movie. He's a guy on a mission who is misunderstood and ultimately triumphs. The only movie we could think of that this is not the case is Training Day. And I have to say, The Book of Eli basically follows the Denzel Washington format.

It's post-apocalyptic America and it's miserable and communicated clearly through a monochromatic set up. Eli is on a journey westward and doing his best to survive without knowing where he can get water from, when hijackers will attempt to rob or kill him, or exactly what he will find once he gets as far west as he can get.

Gary Oldman once again plays a villainous sort who is sending out bikers in search of a Bible even though they don't know how to read. He wants to have a Bible so he can have greater control over more people. Of course, Eli has one in his possession and they meet up and it gets tricky, ugly, and a little bloody.

Overall, I would say the movie was decent. I'm glad I watched it at home rather than having seen it in a theater. The concept was interesting and I'm curious to see if there will be a sequel.

I'm surprised I haven't heard more about this movie from Christian circles because it has a pretty powerful theme and conclusion that I would think could be considered tailor made for sermons. At one point Eli says he spent so much time protecting the Bible and just reading it that he forgot to live what it said.

Five stars being I must own this movie because I NEED to watch it multiple times and one star being this movie essentially wasted my time, I give The Book of Eli three stars.

I'd be interested to hear your opinion on this one. Feel free to include spoilers in the comments as they won't be spoilers to me!

the world ends without a tragedy

2010-09-06T03:22:00.000-05:00

I miss writing.

I really do.

I miss reading too.

I, for the most part, really enjoy my life these days. There's a lot of challenges and there are a few things that make me want to bang my head on the wall because they are basically stupid situations that I am not in control of that will change for the better EVENTUALLY but nowhere near what I would make the time line be if I was in charge. But really, overall, things are good.

I am uncomfortable with the idea of people using this blog and what I post on Facebook to feel that they are caught up on my life. It's a fraction. And usually, it's not the actual big stuff.

Big stuff is messy and involves other people and is generally not appropriate for general consumption.

I had a good balance of writing regularly and sharing appropriately for awhile.

Let's see if I can get it back.

newsletter: month 5

2010-08-19T15:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Samson,

Okay, you've been five months old for almost a week. I'm not a total slacker, I've just had some trouble thinking about what I want to tell you about specifically this month. So much has happened and so much is going on! Occasionally someone will ask me if I just want to freeze you where you are right now. I don't. Every time you do something new or something adorable and I think it just can't possibly get better or there's no way there's going to be another thing for me to excitedly tell someone about, there is. I am trying to savor all the moments that I can but you're such a neat little kid that I am looking forward to your future.

For example, this month you got to start eating solids. I don't know why they say "solids" because it's about as pureed as you can get. We started with rice cereal and then after we established you didn't have any problems with it we got to add peas and now we're on green beans. One new food a week so if there's any reactions I know exactly what food to avoid in the future is so boring. It's necessary but I feel a little bad. Luckily you don't actually know that there are a million kinds of food out there and you have no idea what you're missing by not getting to have a little garlic on those green beans. Next week we'll move to the orange vegetables and after that we get to do fruits.

Daddy and I both LOVE to cook and we love to eat, quite frankly. We have grand plans for you, Samson. We want you to grow up eating American, Mexican, Japanese, Thai, Indian, and whatever else kind of food we can think of. We are always experimenting with new recipes and trying new restaurants when we can afford it and thinking of foods you can grow up with that we have regularly in our household. You often sit in the kitchen with me as I cook and I hope that's something we continue for a long time.

This month, Daddy and I got to go to a wedding. It was our first big date night since you were born and we asked Grandma and Papa to babysit months in advance. We got all dressed up and kissed you goodbye and celebrated our friends' new marriage. We had a great time and then were surprised to find you awake when we got home close to midnight! Grandma said she had gone through your bedtime routine and about three quarters of the way through, you looked up at her and realized she wasn't me and that's when she knew you weren't going to sleep. I happily took over the attempts at getting you to sleep and let me tell you my friend, it was a long night. You were exhausted but you were a little mad at us for leaving you behind. After kind of yelling for about an hour, you had yourself wrapped around my arm and finally conked out.

Just last week, Daddy and I went to a party for his step-mom. You actually were asleep when we got home. You woke up pretty early and when I went in to check on you, you actually squealed with happiness to see me. It was adorable! I changed your diaper and got you a bottle and we went to the bedroom where you saw Daddy sleeping and squealed again! I had to wake him up so he could talk to you because you were just so excited to see us both. Someday, like when you're a teenager, and you don't want to hang out with me anymore, I'll remember the little toothless version of you that literally squealed with happiness just to see me in your room.

I love you, Samson. I love being your mom. I'm regularly covered in spit up, have baby food crusted on my hands, change toxic diapers, and am getting toned arms from carrying you everywhere. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because I also get these little grins, big giggles, and nuzzles from you. Having a kid is the hands down hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're my favorite little guy, Daddy is my favorite big guy, and together the three of us are a pretty great little family.

Happy five months!

Love, Mama.

newsletter: month 4

2010-07-13T18:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Samson,

Holy crap, so much happened this month that I feel that I need to take notes during this next month so I don't forget to mention anything! There are really truly days that I put you down for a nap and could swear you got bigger by the time I pick you up from the crib again. And that's just the purely physical part of your growth. It's amazing. I feel so blessed to be able to spend so much time with you and witness all of this development. Lately, through a variety of circumstances, your dad and I have met some people that for various reasons aren't around their kids much. I could do it if the situation meant the betterment of our family in some way. But I'm so glad I just get to scoop you up in my arms every day.

You are four months old today. Although I started catching glimpses of your personality from the first time I held you, I think this past month your core has really come out. So far I'd characterize you as about as mellow as your dad for your default but you've got the same stubborn streak I do. Oh Samson, I'm sorry. For you, and for me, really.

One day I was outside cleaning the car. I had the baby monitor in the garage so I could hear you but after you woke up from your nap, Grandma volunteered to play with you so I could finish up outside. After a little bit I could hear you crying. She's pretty good with a crying baby so I stayed outside a bit longer and then I realized the other piece to the monitor was still in your room and you were in the living room and I could hear you crystal clear. I got everything off the driveway and went inside. Grandma was changing your diaper and you were SCREAMING. I talked to you and you immediately calmed down when you heard my voice. But when I picked you up, you started up with the crying again! Grandma said that I used to do the same thing. You got what you wanted, but you had to punish me a bit for getting you so upset in the first place.

I think you're teething, even though you're kind of little for that. But you produce about a ton of drool a day and constantly have your fingers in your mouth. Or a stuffed animal. Or a blanket. Actually, that's your favorite. I really like handing you a blanket or burp cloth because your intense concentration as you carefully maneuver your hands to grab a hold of it and immediately snatch it up to your chest is kind of amazing and completely adorable to watch. I'm curious to see if you stick with the blankets or eventually choose a favorite stuffed animal. In the meantime, Daddy and I are having a good time naming all the animals.

You and I have had a bunch of problems breastfeeding the past couple of weeks and I'm not going to get into all the details because you're a boy and most likely don't care at all about this. We've worked through everything, for the most part, and then yesterday you just went on strike. You just held out for a bottle. All day as I kept trying to get you to nurse and then eventually gave up and got you bottles, I debated whether or not it was such a bad thing. I could just give you formula full-time and then I could eat cheese again. I'm not sure what we're going to do quite yet actually. It's a complicated decision to make. But at the end of the night, you were laying kind of diagonally across my chest. I was rubbing your back and you sleepily looked up at me. I told you I loved you and tomorrow would be a better day and you gave me the sweetest smile of your life. It's so crazy that as a mom I can have a ridiculously rough day trying to take care of you the best I know how and feel like I'm just failing miserable and those feelings of inadequacy can be erased in the split second of your eye contact and smile. Thank you, Samson.

I'm glad I'm your Mama, even when you roll your eyes at me. Here's to the next month and more adventures!

Love, Mama

bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do?

2010-07-07T18:15:00.000-05:00

"Is it the sticker? Because I seriously am getting a new one today."

"No ma'am. You do need a new sticker, but I'll give you 20 days for that. You were speeding."

"Oh. It's a new to me car that I'm still getting used to. I guess this oughta do it."

laughter "I suppose so. Here's your ticket. Have a nice day."

humpday happiness!

2010-06-30T23:33:00.000-05:00

Just in under the wire!

A list of things making me happy...

...S's giggles! I am not particularly successful at earning them but they are a delight to listen to when the grandparents bring them out!
...the sound system in my car.
...being able to comfort my son.
...my husband busting his hump to take care of our family.
...nasal rinses.
...sparkling water, now and forevermore
...new Mary Kay catalogs in my hot little hands!
...text messages
...reading blogs on my phone
...COUSIN PICTURES!
...hanging out with my sister and our babies
...hurricane season as experienced in San Antonio
...the sound of cicadas
...tweaking Facebook privacy controls
...playing with Twitter
...my wedding band is getting looser
...I've lost a total of 54 pounds since March
...nursing my baby, even if it does mean no cheese
...green tea lemonade from the Bux
...new eyeglasses!
...new contacts!
...strong fingernails
...having good songs stuck in my head
...hot showers

seven quick takes

2010-06-25T15:53:00.000-05:00

1. Never have I known the pleasure of a hot shower like I do now, as a mother of a small child. For whatever reason, spit up doesn't really gross me out, I can handle being peed on (it's usually my fault for bad diaper placement anyway), I get extra sweaty lugging the baby carrier around, and generally get pretty gross by the end of the day. But it's really only after getting S fed and asleep that I have the opportunity to take a shower. And sometimes there's just too many other loose ends to tie up for the day for me to feel alright about taking a shower. But when I do get in there and let the hot water just pound on my head for a few minutes, it's heavenly. Eventually I'll get back to shaving my legs, doing a round of body wash, and exfoliating my face all in one shower. For now it's maybe one of those in addition to the standard shampoo and soap. I start thinking I can hear S crying and even if someone else is on the listen-out for that, it takes away some of the fun of enjoying that shower. But seriously. Best shower of my life was the first one after delivering him and now it's something that brings me a lot more joy than it used to.

2. I want to lose ten more pounds before my doctor appointment at the end of next month. I know that if I really bust my ass, I can do it. The problem I guess is how to do that exactly. Every time I nurse S, I get hungry. I have been trying to figure out when I can work out a little bit but get stuck because I can come up with a work out time and come up with a shower time, but there is a lot of stuff that happens inbetween and I don't know if I'm okay with that. I might be... But I don't know. I need to figure this out though because after that ten pounds is another 90 to go.

3. I hope K and I have all boys. If we have a girl, I won't be disappointed, but I'm just saying. I never thought I'd think anything like that. And I may change my mind depending on how many bugs I fish out of S's pockets when he gets older and I'm doing laundry.

4. My sister and her family are moving and it makes me really sad. I haven't mentioned it much because I don't really want to talk about it exactly. I don't completely understand their reasoning but I hope it goes well for them and they are happier. But I will miss her terribly. We are finally, actually, real friends. Not awful to each other, not tolerating each other, but genuine friends. And now she's leaving.

5. Which brings me to my next brief thought... I really need some more friends in San Antonio. I need more friends who are moms and can just relate to the spit up and baby clothes debates and formula vs breast feeding and wondering if you can possible continue taking this many pictures forever and does it make you not as great of a mom if you can't. I need more women to talk to about family and sleep deprivation. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. :)

6. I don't have the attention span I used to. I thought it would slowly come back, but so far not so much. It drives K crazy. I can't sit and watch a movie with him. I either need a break in the middle of it to do something else, or I have to just be doing something else pretty much the whole time the movie is on. Weird.

7. I miss my truck a little bit because it's the vehicle I'd driven the longest, but I have to say having a car rocks. The stroller is in the trunk which is so handy, and it's nice that I can offer to give people rides again. Except the driver's seat doesn't adjust so someone with short legs would need to sit directly behind me. Or maybe we can move the baby's seat over...

tick tock

2010-06-16T22:29:00.000-05:00

me: S likes music, but only the fast stuff. 96.1 is better than KLOVE right now.

my sis: That's funny. Most babies like the slow stuff.

me: I know, right? Slow stuff makes him cry. It has to be fast. Except Ke$ha makes him cry.

my sis: Yeah, I have the same reaction.

humpday happiness!

2010-06-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of things from the recent days making me happy...

...dinner with my hubby tonight!
...a chance to connect with K while we were BOTH awake, lucid, and full of things to share with each other
...dove chocolates with peanut butter
...the faint scent of milk, baby lotion, and contentment in the air when I go to sleep at night.
...a baby with a gorgeous smile
...setting goals that are daunting but still realistic
...making future plans with K
...my parents celebrating 31 years of marriage today!
...making pizzas with the munchkins the other day. Who knew they both loved pineapple that much!
...strangers telling me S is cute when we are out and about
...my amazingly comfortable bed and pillows
...sparkling water. Forevermore, my friends. Forevermore.
...having a car instead of a truck (even though I miss the truck a little)
...genuinely liking my family
...homecooked Mexican food at my mother-in-law's house
...S's one tiny little birth mark on his shoulder
...baby burps
...watching The O.C. again
...feeling hopeful about things to come rather then just stuck where I am
...all the babies in our family! My cousin just added another one on Friday!
...the way my baby niece and my son connect without words
...getting to borrow my sister's rug shampooer and attacking the cars tomorrow
...being acclimated to Texas weather and thinking 80 degree evenings are nice
...text messages
...playing Words With Friends
...feeling like I just may be able to handle starting to read actual grown up books again soon
...my parents adoring my son so much
...jeans getting too big!

don't stop thinkin about tomorrow

2010-06-16T22:07:00.000-05:00

I have three personal goals I want to work on inbetween diaper changes and feedings. I think two of them require a daily effort and the third requires at least a weekly effort.

1. I want to lose 100 pounds by this time next year. This is not an impossible task and allows me to go at a healthy rate of 1-2 pounds a week. But it is not an easy task for me to lose weight. In the past, I have lost thirty or so pounds easily and then essentially given up and gained it all back. Since S was born, I've lost 53 pounds and haven't gained anything back. I have some weeks where I haven't lost anything but at least the scale is either holding steady or going down. In order to meet my goal, I need to exercise and keep an eye on what I eat. I think making a quick announcement on this blog or on Facebook each week will help keep me accountable. And if I hit a big plateau, I'm definitely going back to Weight Watchers. We are just trying to save as much money as possible so I'm trying to go as long as possible without paying for help in this particular endeavor.

2. I want to write at least 3 times a week in an effort to get back into the habit so I can start writing my book. If for nothing else, I would like to write a detailed account of my experience as a high risk mama and my hospital stay for S's birth. After I get going on it, really going, I'll research ways to see about getting it published. I think it'll be cathartic to write it all out and finish a big project I've just given myself and interesting to see about getting it published. It's been a goal for a very long time to have a book on the shelves of Barnes and Noble. If this book isn't it, at least I'll come away from the experience having a good idea how to make it happen at some point.

3. I want a solid Mary Kay business. I'm not sure about being a director just yet but I do think it can be a source of income for my family that allows me to mostly stay home with the baby. I placed an order tonight for catalogs and samples and I have an idea of who and how to send them out. If I put some weekly effort into this, for now at least, I think it could be a very good thing. If you're interested, you can check out my web site or email me anytime. I'm very non-pushy and I know a lot about the products because I genuinely like them.

That's all I've got for now!

newsletter: month 3

2010-06-15T18:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Samson,

You've been three months old for two days now which means I'm a tiny bit behind. Being a mom is a busy job! You're currently napping, so I figure I've got just enough time to write you about this last month.

We were busy busy busy! A few things happened. I started to trust that you are mellow and flexible enough to handle more time out of the house. We've got feedings down and you are fantastically adaptable to nursing with a cover or having a bottle of breast milk or formula. Well, once I figured out that me cutting out dairy and switching you to soy formula was necessary to curb the projectile spit up incidents anyway. I figured out how to put the stroller in the cab of the truck in a way that got it in AND out easily so we could avoid worrying about sudden Texas rain storms and the stroller being in the bed of the truck. And I gained confidence in my ability to pack a well stocked diaper bag. You and I started spending more time out of the house here and there. We go grocery shopping, visit the library, and go see Daddy at work. Good times, good times. Even more exciting though is that you, me, and Daddy went to California! Before you were even three months old, you'd been on multiple flights. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Grandma came with us too, and we all stayed at Grandmommie's house. You got to meet a LOT of family, go to In-N-Out with me and Daddy repeatedly, walked around in San Francisco all day, met some of my friends, and we even got to go to an almond factory (Grandmommie lives in the almond capital of the world). Mighty Samson is a mighty traveler! I think there were points were I was more fussy about having to get back in the car to go somewhere than you were. It was great fun getting to show you off to so many people and also getting to introduce Daddy to family in California.

You are growing and developing like crazy! You've rolled over on your own three times now and I think you're starting to see how to do it on purpose. You sleep in a crib now. If I hand you a stuffed animal, you will eventually get your arms around it to hug it. You like music, but only the fast stuff. And you smile like crazy. I think me and Daddy get the most smiles out of everyone, but you are generally pretty free with those gorgeous smiles. You've got a little squeal that sometimes accompanies the smile and I think it's kind of a giggle precursor. You coo and grunt and will respond to me talking to you with sounds that make me think you understand everything I'm telling you about. Everything is happening so fast! It's exciting and makes my heart just swell with love and pride. I can't even explain that properly. It's so cliche to say, but you'll understand someday when you're a parent.

Just before we went to California, you had a doctor's appointment that included some vaccinations. I think they are really important and I myself get vaccines when they are available to me. You did okay with the actual shots and didn't have any reactions afterwards but it was still a difficult appointment for me. You're so little and you don't know anything except for what we've shown you. When the nurse came in and got your legs ready for the shots, you just thought it was another nice lady who was going to smile at you and make a big deal about how adorable you are. She did, but she also gave you three shots. She got the first two in lightening fast because it took you a second to realize what was happening. You had such a startled look on your face before you started crying in pain and surprise that it hurt my heart a little bit. I think that's a big part of being a mom that no one can really prepare me for. I have to stand by or hold your hand while you get hurt because it's better for you in the long run.

Here's to future months, Samson. There's so much more to come! And hopefully my letters will get a little less sappy and a little more funny. You give me lots of fodder with your impressive farting and burping skills but I somehow get distracted by everything else when I sit down to write.

I love you. Thank you for causing my heart to grow bigger and bigger each month so it can continue to barely contain all the love I have for you.

Love,
Mama

newsletter: month 2

2010-05-13T17:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Samson,

Today, you are two months old! You've been around long enough to make me wonder what I ever did without you but it's been short enough that I wonder how time is going by so incredibly quickly. Everyone always talks about time flying after you have kids, but I thought it took awhile to start doing that. In the past month you've outgrown clothes, gone up a diaper size, and started smiling on purpose. Daddy and I have figured out the best way to get the stroller in and out of our vehicles without cussing too much, how to stock the diaper bag, and how long you can be in your car seat before you start to temporarily lose your mind. It's been a good month!

The smile thing is my favorite though. It starts in your eyes and sometimes it takes a bit of encouragement for it to reach your mouth but when it does, it's amazing every single time. You have a little half smile (you even alternate sides) up to a full on grin complete with nose scrunch. It's adorable. You are adorable. It makes my heart so happy to see you smile! It makes me almost just as happy to see you light up someone else with your gorgeous smile. You're just quite the looker!

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be a lot calmer, more modest, or something when people say you're a cutie. I always gush in agreement! I can't help it, I could stare at you for hours, awake or sleeping. I feel a little bad when someone says you look like me and I agree, like I should be more humble or something. You are a pretty even mix of me and Daddy but it looks like you have my eyes and nose and those are pretty prominent features. We don't look exactly alike so I hope it's not conceited of me to think you're gorgeous.

In the past month, there have been at least two poop incidents that I could have done without. I don't know if it's because you're a boy, or my ineptness at diaper changing, or if other mamas just don't talk about it but it seems like we have lots of incidents that require clothes changes. I don't mind tremendously, but the afternoon I had to figure out how to take apart the car seat to get all the poop cleaned out was a bit of an adventure. Poop is poop no matter how cute the pooper is!

It's already happening isn't it. I'm mortifying you. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I'll probably stop sharing stories about your voiding habits once you're out of diapers.

We have a doctor's appointment on Monday where you will be getting some vaccinnes. I think your doctor is fantastic and I am working on a small list of questions for her. I'm looking forward to seeing how much you weigh and how long you are and where that puts you on the percentile chart. But I am not looking forward to the shots. I might cry harder than you.

The thing about being a mom is that I really do have most of my heart outside of my own body now. We have learned the hard way that you have some sort of milk intolerance and if I eat cheese or drink milk, you spit up like crazy. Regular formula gives you painful gas and we're still sorting that out. It makes me feel awful when you cry and I can't comfort you right away. I don't want you to experience discomfort in any way. It makes me nervous that although right now me and Daddy can often fix what is making you cry fairly easily, we won't always be able to do that. I am enjoying you so much right where you are now. It's all going so fast that I hope I am paying close enough attention!

I love you, Samson. I hope you always know that as well as you know it right now.

Love, Mama

humpday happiness

2010-04-14T16:34:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of happy happy things!

...thrift store shopping: 3 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of pajama pants, a hoodie for S, and an outfit for S: $16
...breastfeeding is going much much much better now. I think we've really got it down now!
...strong fingernails
...a rainy break from the ridiculous amount of oak pollen in the air
...my husband's new Elvis sunglasses
...soft broken in sheets
...S is a month old!
...folding itty bitty baby clothes
...hanging out with my sister
...pretending like my youngest niece knows how to high five and being an excited crazy lady in Starbucks with her
...walks with S around the neighborhood. Even better when my friend can join us!
...finding a post office inside a gas station not too far from my house!
...I have to say it: sparkling water
...the tingly feeling in my fingertips is almost gone!
...my wedding band is slightly loose! A drastic change from just a few weeks ago when it got stuck on my finger!
...my husband telling me that for an anniversary sometime down the road he would like to design new matching wedding bands for us
...the astounding amount of patience I have with my son without even trying
...being able to laugh heartily at poop explosions
...being able to pack up and drive places!
...having a packed diaper bag that hasn't let me down yet
...the return of Army Wives on tv!
...using the crap out of our Blockbuster online account
...playing Words With Friends on my iPhone
...my iPhone in general!

newsletter: month 1

2010-04-10T15:52:00.001-05:00

Dear Samson,

Let me tell you, handsome Samson, this last month has been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I wouldn't really trade a single moment of it and that's quite the statement when you're talking about an epidural that stopped working, an emergency c-section, getting peed on, sleep deprivation, and the realization that I now wear my heart outside my body.

I had never been admitted to the hospital before and I guess that somehow translated into a long enough stay and enough procedures to last me quite awhile. I'll just summarize and say that I had an appointment with a perinatologist to monitor your heart rate for a bit and then check on you through ultrasound. My blood pressure was high enough that when the nurse practitioner told me to straight to the hospital, there was more than a tinge of urgency in her voice. Grandma happily drove me and we met the best OB in the planet, Dr. Schwope, right at the hospital. Since you had FINALLY decided to drop head down, we decided to induce me and see what happened instead of doing a c-section straight away. About five hours after that, the first drug to get things going was administered. 43 hours after THAT, you were born via emergency c-section. With every contraction, your heart rate was dropping and because I could hear it and already loved you more than I knew how to say out loud, my heart rate was speeding up. Surgery isn't always an easy fix for something, but this one did us both good.

Your dad sat right next to my head in the operating room as the doctors and nurses did their thing to get you out of my womb and out of distress. When they lifted you out and up and carried you to where the NICU team was waiting for you, I gasped in amazement of how completely gorgeous you were! My first thought was "THAT is the baby I get to take home?!" I knew that as your mother I'd always think you were good looking, but I was astounded by how handsome you were. Chubby cheeks, squirmy, and a cry that wasn't even annoying. Daddy and I watched as the NICU team got you all cleaned up and did the tests they needed to and got you all squared away as a brand new member of society. We discussed your name for one last time to be sure and the team working on me was done putting me back together at the same time your team was done fixing you up.

Someone took a picture of the three of us before we went back to the hospital room and it's something I hate and love. I think I look completely awful but at the same time I look like someone who had just worked really hard at the last task of keeping you healthy before you were born and was transitioning into the next phase of taking care of you. Your dad was adorable in his jumpsuit and mask and I was so grateful that he was right there with me. There's a lot of unknowns ahead of the three of us, but one thing I do know is that you were conceived in love and you'll be raised in love by two people who love each other tremendously.

I got to hold you, all bundled up with your hat on, as they wheeled my bed back into my room. Grandma and Papa and Grandma J were all waiting for us. We got to announce your name to them and the nurses: Samson Luciano. Luciano after your dad and Samson because it's a fantastic name. Samson means of the light and Luciano means light from within. There's strength conveyed just by your name and you're already living up to it. There were so many things that could have gone wrong during my pregnancy and delivery and you over came all of them. You're already lifting your head on your own and you've scooted yourself across the scale at the doctor's office! You're going to keep us very busy and we're so excited to see how.

We're really excited to be your parents. We've already taken you to the library and Starbucks, each of practically equal importance in our lives. You've met almost all of your cousins. I've taken you out and about all by myself and stayed out entirely too long. We know which cry means you're hungry and which cry means "Guys, really, I've had enough. Please let me be for a bit." We are crazy about you. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed you isn't so bad when as you drift off to sleep you smile. You've grown and developed so much already! I'm trying to savor the moments but at the same time I can hardly wait to see what you're going to do next.

Thanks for making me a mom, Samson. I love you.

Love,
Mama

humpday happiness!

2010-04-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

Here's to starting to figure out what normal looks like with a newborn!

Sorry for the dead air... I'm hoping to be back here posting regularly again soon. I'm going to have to ease into it, but easing into it is probably better than not writing at all!

Here's a list of things making me happy this week:

...being able to gulp down large quanitites of plain ice water!
...sparkling water still makes me happy though
...pictures of my baby boy
...the ridiculous amounts of clothes that people have just given us for S!
...figuring out that sleeping every time the baby does doesn't really work for me
...hot showers
...going on walks around the neighborhood
...having already lost all the weight I gained while pregnant!
...phone chats with my cousin
...driving! Oh, I really missed being able to drive myself!
...baby lotion
...the new dark cherry syrup at Starbucks! An iced decaf vanilla dark cherry soy mocha is not necessarily good for you but it is FANTASTIC for your taste buds!
...not plucking my eyebrows to see what they look like all grown in
...super strong nails
...eavesdropping on Ki talking to S
...starting to get used to two hours of sleep at a time
...loading up the dvr with Friends and King of the Hill

humpday happiness!

2010-03-10T10:03:00.000-06:00

Some things making me happy from the past week...

...getting my eyebrows waxed with my sister!
...Jamba Juice
...a nice baby shower thrown by my mother-in-law
...watching my swollen feet go down just by putting my feet up
...using the crap out of our Blockbuster Online account
...having two tuners for the tv in our bedroom which means we can record one thing and watch something else AT THE SAME TIME
...finally starting to feel better from this blasted cold I got over the weekend
...my nieces and nephew in general
...my oldest niece, upon finding out about my impending c-section, saying "So you're going to have surgery to make you straight again like me?" while gesturing to her stomach
...my nephew helping take care of tissue paper during the baby shower, including removing it from a gift bag before I even had a chance to look inside
...my youngest niece waving her arms at me in delight--she's the most stoic baby I've ever even heard of so this is a pretty big deal
...the new nicknames of "Melris" and "Kilissa" for Baby C. Why didn't any of us think of those MONTHS ago?!
...figuring every day that I still don't have the baby, the cheeks may be getting a tiny bit chubbier which means there's extra room for all the kisses everyone will want to give (but no pinching! I HATED that as a kid!)
...drinking a Shirley Temple or a Cherry Limeaid
...egg salad
...SPARKLING WATER
...the Pretty and the Plain cd by JJ Heller
...having the stroller all put together and realizing how easy it is to snap the carrier in and out of the car seat base and stroller
...arming myself with helpful information about c-sections
...having a tentative baby debut day!
...feeling like I knew my baby was okay and then finding out s/he really was
...sourdough bread
...the way my husband tells me he loves me two or three times each time he calls me
...the Words with Friends game on my iPhone, especially since I am regularly playing my aunt, mom, and sister. The only drawback is you can't trash talk as well
...being able to fling myself forward with no or little help from laying on my back and how everyone is impressed every time I do it
...orange pineapple juice

love is not a victory march

2010-03-09T23:09:00.000-06:00

Kind of towards the beginning of my pregnancy, I had this day at work where I started crying and I couldn't stop. I couldn't say why it started and every time I tried to figure it out the tears would just come harder. I stayed at work for several miserable hours before finally leaving early and I went to see my OB. She asked me some questions about how I was eating and sleeping and whatnot and then took my hand and said that it as a pregnant woman it was perfectly acceptable to just lose my shit sometimes. There was a lot more to that conversation, but that was when I really knew I had chosen the right OB.

It has been roughly 32 or 33 weeks of at least one doctor appointment a week, if not more than that. I know which veins I prefer anyone to try to draw blood from and which ones I will flatly refuse to allow be tried. I am an expert at peeing in a cup, both in aim and being able to do so just about on demand. I take my blood pressure at least three times a day at home, gave up all of my known allergy cures, eat pretty healthy foods, cut way back on caffeine, and watched my center of gravity change before my very eyes.

Have you ever had to do a 24 hour urine collection? You get a big jug and you literally pour all of your urine over a 24 hour period into the jug. Even better, you need to keep it cool so that bacteria doesn't grow so that means either a spot in the fridge or some sort of ice chest or bucket for it to hang out in. It's necessary to see how much protein is in your urine and can be indicative of preeclampsia during pregnancy.

I turned in my fourth 24 hour urine collection today, as per directions from one of the offices I go to. The other office called me and said they dumped it because I hadn't done it during the right chunk of 24 hours. I got conflicting directions and basically it doesn't really matter because I have to do it over again.

Well friends, I lost my shit again today.

I understand they need the numbers to make sure I'm doing okay. A lot of the signs of preeclampsia are not things you can just see. I don't understand it all exactly but what I do get is it's important for my health and the baby's health to take all of this very seriously. All of the labs and monitoring and poking and prodding is not just to torture me and the results that have come back this whole time have been pretty good overall. I can't even express how much I love my baby and how I already feel like a piece of my heart is just exposed to the world. So it's not that any of this isn't worth it. But I am tired.

I am tired of the appointments and arguing over scheduling the next round. I am tired of waddling my way to two appointments a week. I am tired of not driving myself and feeling like I am sucking the life out of whoever (mainly my mom) has generously driven me that day. I am tired of staying inside at home but also know that going anywhere for too long completely drains any energy reserves. I am tired of people saying I will miss being pregnant because even if that's true there is no way I will be able to see it for several more months.

It was completely unreasonable for me to cry at home and then continue crying the entire drive back to the doctor's office to get a new jug. I have a maximum of one week left. I can do this. I want to do this because I can hardly wait to meet my little one. And with the timing, I'm going to be in the area of the lab anyway so who cares if I have to stop there to drop it off. I was just looking forward to a day of no appointments and no health stuff. Wednesday was my day this week to finish up the baby's room and spend some time with my husband and not be tied up with anything else. I kind of get to do that anyway, I just have to stick close to home so I can be sure to collect everything I need. And maybe convince my husband to rub my back until I fall asleep at some point in the day.

The tears that spilled down my face were a culmination of things. All the doctor appointments, the discomfort of the last few weeks, the desire to get things done paired with a ridiculous lack of energy, the well meaning (mostly) people asking if we're ready, the cold I currently have... I guess sometimes the stress in my life just has to come out through my tear ducts.

I guess tomorrow is still kind of a day off. Then Thursday will be another non-stress test and then an ultrasound and a consult with the perinatologist. And the Thursday after that, Baby C will be here and I will have a completely new set of things to learn and handle and conquer. I can do it because I don't have to do it by myself.

baby don't you cry, baby don't you cry, gonna bake a pie with a heart in the middle

2010-03-08T22:15:00.001-06:00

Today was a little bit of an adventure.

I had an appointment with my OB this morning at 10:30. It was for a non-stress test where I sit in a recliner and have a monitor strapped to my belly and a print out shows the baby's heart rate. I also hold a little clicker that looks like a Jeopardy button and press it every time I feel the baby move. I've had like ten of these between my OB's office and the perinatologist's office. The doctor needs to see a certain number of heartbeat accelerations for a certain amount of time to know the baby is doing well.

My child is quasi-cooperative during things like this. The baby moves like gangbusters at odd hours of the night. The offices are not open during odd hours of the night which is really a shame sometimes. Mostly the appointments have been fine but sometimes take a really long time because the baby is clearly moving but the heartrate hasn't accelerated enough or whatever. At the perinatologist's office, they follow up with an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid levels, to see a certain number of wiggles, and to check if the baby is making practice breathing movements.

One day at the perinatologist's office I had to lie in the recliner on my side and then switch and hold the monitor and it still wasn't quite enough. Then during the ultrasound, the baby was just sleeping and not doing the breathing motions and the technician had to watch for a certain amount of time to satisfy the requirements. I had to lay on my back, then my side, then my other side and by the time I switched the third time, I just started crying. I just couldn't keep it together anymore. It's a strange thing to not be worried about the baby exactly but to have to be so uncomfortable trying to prove to everyone else that the baby is okay.

So this morning, my mom drove me and we settled in, and everything was fine. Except I ended up on the monitor for two hours with no accelerations. My OB is amazing and straightforward and told me she was confident the baby was just fine but we needed an ultrasound to quantify it. She arranged for me to be fit in at the perinatologist's office because it would be a much faster way to go about getting the information she needed than going to the hospital. We talked about labor signs and she checked my cervix and the baby's position. She decided to schedule a tentative date for my c-section, barring no major changes.

My mom and I drove through Chick-Fil-A and then went to the perinatologist's office. I'm going to skip the whole part about how ridiculous the front desk people are because that's going in an email to the office manager after the baby is born. Heh.

I got on the table for the ultrasound and the baby wiggled a little bit and had a strong steady heartbeat and good breathing motions. And then refused to move any more. The technician jostled my belly quite a bit and the baby just continued to hang out. S/he is definitely still transverse (laying horizontally across my belly) so the c-section is definitely going to be the way I deliver. My mom and I got to watch Baby C on the monitor for twenty minutes or so while s/he didn't move much at all. After some measurements and print outs, the technician took all the newly gathered information to the doctor. Then we got the okay to just go home (after a quick stop to tell Ki in person that everything was just fine)!

I have another appointment on Thursday that will be a non-stress test and then an ultrasound to check on the baby's growth. Barring any major changes, the baby will be here by the end of next week!

Oh, I almost forgot the best part about the whole day!

My mom was driving us back home, almost five hours after my original appointment. We stopped by Ki's store so I could talk to him in person for a quick minute. At a stop light no less than twenty minutes after the ultrasound, the baby was moving so much we could both literally watch THROUGH TWO LAYERS OF CLOTHING. And as a matter of fact, the baby is moving like gangbusters right now. I am really excited to meet this child and see if all of this is indicative of his or her personality or it's just all a bunch of random happenstance for the doctor appointments.

seven quick takes

2010-03-05T21:05:00.000-06:00

It's a quick take Friday!

1. Since lately my biggest decision of the day is what to eat, I am so bored with food. Me. Seriously. I can't think of things that sound like they'd be amazing to eat or a meal that I am looking forward to eating. I eat and I'm still eating pretty healthy good but I can't tell you any other time in my life that I've been so uninterested in food. For real, I usually LOVE food. Like a ridiculous amount. I figure as long as I'm still getting hungry and eating well balanced meals it doesn't matter a huge amount but it's kind of weird.

2. Earlier this week I felt unkempt and gross. I am still supposed to be bedresting and also definitely don't have money for a spa day but let me tell you that a long HOT shower that involved shaving my legs did me a world of good. I used a scrub on my heels and washed my hair and it was just ridiculously fantastic. I'm not sure if it's cool or a little lame that a shower can provide a healthy dose of "me time." Heh, whatever works!

3. I made it to 37 weeks before my fingers got too swollen for me to be able to wear my wedding ring. I miss it. Not too much longer before I can put it back in, I don't think.

4. I've got my mind wrapped around having a c-section as much as I think I can. There's clean baby clothes and blankets and whatnot. We have a place for the baby to sleep and Ki is taking three weeks off that can start immediately with my hospital admission. I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore. We've made it to 37 weeks which is technically a full-term baby. Any day now... I would love to have it on the calendar. All I know is that I won't be carrying to term, so in the next two weeks we'll officially be a family of three!

5. I haven't decided if I need to make a separate blog for baby stuff. I am kind of leaning towards no because I am afraid this blog will just die if I do that. To be determined, I suppose.

6. I LOVE SPARKLING WATER. It is hands down my favorite drink right now. I could easily drink my 64 ounces of water a day in sparkling form and be a happy girl about it. I just wish it was cheaper somehow. Shouldn't it be cheaper than soda because there's no flavor or even sodium?

7. My youngest niece is absolutely fascinating to me. She is almost nine months old and a tiny little thing who I really think has a running commentary in her head, with real words and everything. Today my sister and I were telling her she needs to start trying to say "Auntie" and I swear she put her fingers in her mouth and then said it. I think she will conquer small countries when she grows up.

seven quick takes

2010-02-27T00:22:00.000-06:00

Friday Quick Takes!

1. I've had my iPhone for about a year, but I feel like I really USE it now. Just all of the sudden it really clicked how I could unleash some of its power to make my life a bit easier and entertainment filled. I think it's mostly that being on bed rest or just being exhausted means I'm laying down and bored and I've suddenly discovered a bunch of cool apps and how to feel comfortable browsing the web. And I'll go ahead and say I get what the appeal of the iPad is (except they totally should have named it the iSlate or iTablet) but I wont' be buying one any time soon. It would be kind of nice to have a bigger screen with the same dynamic experience to be able to really read in bed but how much longer will I be stuck slash have the time to enjoy it?

2. All I'm doing these days is hanging out at home growing a baby or going to doctor appointments to check to make sure the baby is still growing. This is supremely boring and what is even more frustrating is that although I have time and my own vehicle and whatnot, trying to venture out for much more than a doctor appointment wipes me out. And apparently when I come home and lay down again I snore loud enough for my mom to hear in the kitchen. I digress. Boring. I am bored bored bored. Also I have nothing to talk about with anyone because all I do is stay home and hope my blood pressure levels off and the baby is just fine. Not that no one is interested in that, but it doesn't make a very interesting conversation for very long.

3. In roughly less than a month, it is highly possible that my sister and I could be sitting in my parent's living room each nursing a baby.

4. I LOVE THE WINTER OLYMPICS. I get caught up in whatever sport is airing. I don't quite understand curling but I'm getting there... And I have to say short track speed skating is totally my favorite. I love getting to see the background stories on athletes and rooting for people and seeing history be made. I didn't realize there were so many winter sports that I enjoyed! Summer Olympics are an easy draw for me but I now simply and firmly LOVE THE OLYMPICS.

5. Pregnancy symptoms that caught me by surprise that I'm pretty much over: carpal tunnel syndrome, an endlessly stuffy nose, and ever expanding feet. I have high hopes that a few months after Baby C comes out to play that these will at the very least calm down. I'm really hoping my feet aren't going to stay exactly this big because it's going to be kind of difficult to find cute shoes and socks but I'm resigning myself to the idea that they won't shrink too much just in case. And the carpal tunnel syndrome really has got to go. The stuffy nose is bearable, just kind of obnoxious at night especially.

6. Bare bones honestly, I sit in my room with the tv on or a book open and my mind drifts and I start thinking about my friends. I start wondering what happened to all of them. I used to have a bunch in California and a bunch here in town and with the exception of a precious few (T and B, I'm looking at you), if I don't initiate conversation or hang out time, it doesn't happen. I understand that everyone has their own stuff going on and some schedules are less forgiving than others because I've totally been there. I just find myself wondering how much is me being overdramatic because I'm stuck at home with pregnancy hormones pumping through my system and whether or not really cleaning house on Facebook is reasonable right now. How do you ask people to please talk to you or hang out with you without just being lonely and needy? Or is that just okay sometimes?

7. I honest to God fall more in love with Ki on at least a weekly basis if not daily. Sometimes it's really specific things (him gushing over baby shoes, back rubs without being asked, his excitement about playing poker) and sometimes it's just getting to lay next to him at night or that we have matching wedding bands that we each loath taking off for any extended period of time. I had no idea that I'd marry him when I first met him or even through the first part of our relationship. But I count myself blessed every day to have him in my life, for us to have formed a family, and for there to be a baby about to join us.

humpday happiness

2010-02-24T13:35:00.000-06:00

A list of things making me happy this week...

...watching a ridiculous amount of movies.
...Facebook
...my mom buying clothes for the baby with coordinating accessories
...my husband's reaction to itty bitty baby shoes
...the amazing amount of use I've gotten out of my bath robe. Excellent purchase.
...brisket, even if I still feel hungry later on
...corn beef and cabbage
...THE OLYMPICS
...Ki's fascination with curling
...new episodes of Family Guy and King of the Hill on Adult Swim
...a handful of new maternity shirts. I may be almost done but it sure is nice to have some not the same old clothes to wear!
...the realization that if you don't pluck your eyebrows for awhile, it's unlikely anyone will actually SAY anything about it
...pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome either easing up or me getting used to it
...saving money
...sparkling water! Yay for sparkling water!
..."arguing" about baby names
...reading
...more cold weather!

insert olympic theme here

2010-02-18T14:14:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the dead air around here. I was sick with a cold for a little bit (now I just passed that around the rest of my family, what a good sharer am I) and now I'm on bed rest. I think new posts are going to be hit or miss for a little bit around here but I will try to work on it. But here's a little update anyway!

Bed rest is not as awesome as it may sound. My blood pressure had been fantastically low until last week. I take it at home twice a day and write it on a log for the doctors to see so I'm very aware of it. It just started creeping up for no particular reason. Well except for the part where I'm pregnant I guess. It didn't seem super worrisome to me because my blood pressure has definitely been higher in the past. But when I went to the high risk doctor for my weekly non-stress test, the bottom number was pretty high. I didn't really think anything of it until they came in to take my blood pressure again after I'd been sitting in the recliner listening to the baby for awhile and then I knew something was up.

So I was in the ultrasound room with my husband and sister-in-law and my favorite ultrasound technician and two people came in to tell me that because of my blood pressure I need to be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. I couldn't help it, I started crying. The baby had been super wiggly while we were doing the non-stress test and basically uncooperative and I was really tired. And also I don't know if I've mentioned this but I cry ALL OF THE TIME. Commercials, Olympic events, text messages, a passage in a book... It's ridiculous. It just took me by such surprise because despite being told at the beginning of my pregnancy that I could die or the baby could die or we could both die, things have been pretty non-eventful. Outside of the insane morning sickness that lasted two trimesters and getting put on medical leave I guess. I had started to think I was going to make it to the end without any of the awful scenarios they lectured me on at the beginning.

I've been getting headaches about every other day and although they haven't been violent, they are apparently related to the blood pressure. So I have a list of symptoms I need to call the doctor for should they pop up and I'm to spend more time laying down than up moving around. My blood pressure has to level off or go down because the next step is a hospital stay or being induced.

If I can hold on for two more weeks, the baby is considered full term. And actually the baby is doing great! S/he weighs 5 lbs 13 oz and most often you aren't allowed to take the baby home from the hospital until they hit five pounds. Also s/he has been making breathing movements for at least three weeks and has continued to grow like gangbusters, all of which indicate a happy and healthy kid in there.

It's difficult to just stay down. There are baby clothes to be washed, sorted, and put away. There are boxes in my room that need to be packed up again and taken to the storage unit so it doesn't look like such a ridiculous disaster area in there. I like to cook things that are involved. And I like to not be stuck in the house.

To anyone who is working outside the home, I'm sure mandated bed rest sounds like a fantastic idea. If I was still working, I'm sure being at home would make my blood pressure drop pretty nicely. But now I'm just at home and limited on what I'm allowed to do. The part where it's not super specific is frustrating to people around me, I'm sure. I get it and I know my blood pressure and what it means. Also, my due date isn't for five weeks and I have at least one doctor appointment a week until then so things could (probably will?) change. I'm not sure that I was officially diagnosed with preeclampsia, but I'm at least on the very edge and it's not something to mess around with.

So, all in all, I'll be at home. Visitors are fine! Especially if you want to bring some magazines, a movie, or a book for me to borrow. :) Thank heavens the Olympics are on. I think I might just try to have all my babies where the Olympics are on at the very end because it is fantastic to be able to watch so much of so many different sports I don't necessarily know anything about.

recipe: stuffed jalapenos

2010-02-05T16:27:00.000-06:00

Oh so delicious, relatively easy, and any time you make them people will be impressed. I can practically guarantee it!

KICKASS STUFFED JALAPENOS

Ingredients:
approximately 15 jalapenos from the produce section at the grocery store
16 oz of Jimmy Dean original sausage
8 oz of cream cheese
2 cups of Italian style shredded parmasean cheese

Crumble sausage and fry up in a skillet. Drain the grease after the sausage is cooked all the way through.
Combine the sausage, cream cheese, and 1 1/2 cups of parmeasean cheese.
Set aside.

Cut the jalapeno peppers in half, length wise. You may need gloves to avoid being burned by the oil from the peppers.
Depending on how spicy you want the end result to be, scoop out the insides of the peppers. The more seeds you leave in, the spicier. And there is a vein that runs through the pepper that if left in will also contribute quite a bit of heat. Scoop everything out entirely for the mildest possible result.
Spoon sausage mixture into each jalapeno half.
Sprinkle remaining parmesean cheese across the tops of the stuffed peppers.

Bake in the oven at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes. When the peppers go from bright green to more of an olive green color, they are done. The filling should be hot all the way through and the peppers should be soft rather than the firm you started with.

Serve! Excellent with a nice cold beer.

Don't expect to have any left over! I have made a small amount and I have made a LARGE batch and they will all be eaten. Make sure you allow time to bask in the compliments.

seven quick takes

2010-02-05T16:18:00.000-06:00

Friday Quick Takes!

1. I'll just start with the one that is probably TMI: I miss peeing like a normal person. I have to go to the bathroom ALL OF THE TIME but it's never for a really satisfying session. A little tinkle and that's it which is ridiculous for the amount of pressure I feel down below driving me to waddle my way into the bathroom. At night especially I don't even flush every time because I feel like it's a waste of water to only flush that much down the toilet. You know those times when you feel like your bladder is going to BURST and you go to the bathroom and you kind of wished you timed your stream because you're so impressed with yourself? I miss those days terribly.

2. Baby shower tomorrow! I'm really excited because I think it will be a fun afternoon and I like it when people gush about my baby. S/he is already adorable and it makes me happy that other people think so too. So yay for a whole afternoon of food, games, and gushing about Baby C!

3. My niece and I had a long conversation last week about how the baby pees and it comes out when I pee, but the baby won't poop until after s/he is born (hopefully anyway). I think the next question is how is that baby going to get out of me. I'm hoping my sister will head me off at the pass for this one.

4. I like to think of myself as a pretty smart girl. I will say trying to apply for any kind of government assistance is ridiculously confusing. At my first WIC appointment, they suggested I apply for everything else I could get information on because you just never know. We desperately needed SOMETHING and it ended up that moving in with my parents has filled a lot of those gaps. But, this was in November and I'm just now getting letters in the mail about different things I may or may not qualify for and none of it is particularly straightforward. Sometime I'm going to write a whole big ass entry about this because even if it makes people uncomfortable, I think they should know the whole "welfare system" sucks big time.

5. My friend Mike asked if I would like to contribute to a web site he was starting called Tangentopia. I excitedly accepted and have thought of a few things to write and post on there but have also kind of drug my feet a little bit on the actual posting. I'm such a chicken. I am super thrilled to get to write for something besides myself but it's also scary. I need to sack up and just do it. But if you don't mind, click on over there and comment on stuff. Tell us what you'd like to see there too.

6. I am pretty scared about the first six weeks after the baby is born. What is it going to be like? Will I have good instincts? What about sleep? If I have post partum depression, how will I know and how long will it last? Will I be able to stick up for myself and my child and take on the role of motherhood right away? The only thing that doesn't worry me is what Ki will be like. So I guess it's not all awful. Words of encouragement would be accepted gratefully though.

7. Superbowl Sunday is coming! I could not care less about the actual game but I enjoy the over the top commercials. Ki and I are going to the house where he plays poker every week. I thoroughly enjoy that group of guys so I'm looking forward to the company. And also the food. I have never had a bad meal at that house and will honestly rearrange my schedule if I'm invited over for something involving food. We are bringing stuffed jalapenos and something else that's safe for me to eat in case the rest of the meal is also jalapeno themed. I just haven't decided what yet. All I know is I need to BEFORE Sunday because I don't want to go near the grocery store.

humpday happiness!

2010-02-03T21:21:00.000-06:00

Wahoosie, a list of happy things from this week!

...NSTs for the baby--it's nice to sit in a room for an hour with my husband and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Good thing I don't mind since this a weekly event now!
...hot showers.
...watching tons of episodes of The Office in no particular order
...if I take my wedding ring off at night before I go to bed, I can wear it the whole day long.
...Ki thinking it was funny when I fell asleep on his chest and maybe drooled a little
...a GORGEOUS wedding present from my aunt and uncle that arrived in THREE BOXES. I cannot wait to figure out what to cook with all of my new awesome cookware!
...SPARKLING WATER
...coming up with ideas of things to post to www.tangentopia.com where I get to be an editor (as soon as I actually post something anyway)
...using my Blockbuster Online membership
...checking books out from the library
...text messages, especially when I have conversations with three people or so at a time
...long phone conversations with my cousin. It's fun being pregnant at the same time as a relative!
...being almost done with setting up the baby's room
...playing around with makeup
...the rain!
...a wonderful crazy generous gift from T arriving in the mail
...long conversations with my six year old niece
...watching my husband get more and more excited about the baby being born soon
...BABY SHOWER ON SATURDAY!
...watching Teen Mom and then reading the bulletin boards on www.televisionwithoutpity.com--I can't help myself
...Arby's
...Stand-up Show Down on Comedy Central
...my nephew asking "Auntie, can you make this baby a boy please?"
...watching High Stakes Poker on Sunday nights
...Mug Root Beer
...LOST IS BACK!
...Prilosec
...following Sesame Street on Twitter

storms will race in but you'll be safe in my arms

2010-01-28T16:15:00.000-06:00

Tuesday was the beginning of my weekly doctor appointments through the end of my pregnancy. I have two doctors monitoring me and the baby, my OB who will actually deliver Baby C and my perinatologist who has been monitoring my blood pressure and the baby's growth more specifically than my OB has. Welcome to my high risk pregnancy world... It hasn't been all awful though, outside of the first few appointments at the perinatologist office where they told me repeatedly that I could die or the baby could die or we could both die. That kind of talk doesn't mix well with a newly pregnant mama but that's a book to be written later.

My weekly visits to the perinatologist will consist of a non-stress test and a quick ultrasound. I get a monitor strapped to my belly and I sit in a big comfy recliner and press a little button every time I feel the baby move. There's a print out of the baby's heart rate and little tics for the movements I record and although they weren't very specific, I understand they're looking for a correlation and a certain number of movements. The ultrasound is to check the level of amniotic fluid, to see that the baby is practicing breathing motions, and then to see some movement from the baby as well. I think the whole thing is supposed to take an hour. Ki and I were there for almost three on Tuesday.

Baby C definitely already has a personality. I know there's a whole argument over nature versus nurture and I do think there are ways to nurture a personality, but after my experiences with my nieces and nephew, I think babies are definitely born with building blocks of a personality. I didn't know before I was pregnant that I would catch a glimpse of that personality before the baby was even born though!

Part of my baby's personality is the unwillingness to share information that is specifically being sought freely. The ultrasound tech tried at three different appointments to get a clear picture of Baby C's face and finally just printed out the two that are partially blocked by arms and hands because it was obvious it wasn't going to happen any other way. They are looking to measure specific things and my baby never fully cooperates right away. The baby won't move over the way they need to get a clear picture of what's going on. S/he is very wiggly but not always in the most cooperative way for these appointments. I see some of myself in this because I am willing to share information but I really prefer it to be on my own terms. I don't always have to be in complete control of things but I won't necessarily share EVERYTHING with EVERYONE. I used to get so mad at my mom because I'd tell her things and she'd tell my aunt and grandmother before I was ready for them to know. I think I'm going to have to watch that with this kid.

So they found a spot where the baby's heart beat could be picked up well and strapped me in and gave me the clicker. After awhile though, the baby actually flipped over and became super active. I clicked away, but the heart rate wasn't being recorded because the baby had moved so drastically. We had to stay extra long to try to find a spot where the heart rate would be picked up AND get the baby to wiggle some more. I think they only kind of got what they needed but were satisfied that the baby is obviously very active. Then during the ultrasound, the amniotic fluid level was great and the baby was making strong breathing motions. All that the ultrasound tech needed was a nice big wiggle to be able to say she saw it happen.

My husband's default mode is pretty laid back. He gets worked up about stuff and moves quickly in specific situations but default is easy going. I often wake him up and help him get going and I know there are times when I shrug his shoulders or kiss him several times that he is actually awake even though he hasn't opened his eyes yet. Apparently this is also how our child is.

The ultrasound tech used the doppler (the wand thing) to jostle my belly pretty thoroughly. Then she paused to see the baby move. S/he did not at all. So she picked a different spot and did the same jostling thing. All three of us watched the baby get shaken around a bit and so it was kind of especially funny that time when after she paused, the baby really didn't react. I wanted to laugh so hard but I was afraid the tech was going to get annoyed with me so I stifled it. She did it a third time with the same result. Nothing. There was a slight foot wiggle but that was about it. She continued to scan and the baby's heart was beating just fine and the breathing motions were still happening so I wasn't alarmed at all. Just severely amused. Finally and suddenly, the arms and legs all moved around at the same time and the ultrasound tech sighed with relief and clicked off the machine.

I'm just so excited to get to hold this little one in my arms and kiss those cheeks and see if I'm right about it not phasing him or her even a tiny bit. I hope that he or she will run to my arms when someone is jostling them around but I kind of think this kid will be able to handle it just fine at a pretty early age. I could be completely wrong but I'm just as eager to find that out.

Officially 8 weeks to go!

humpday happiness

2010-01-27T23:34:00.000-06:00

Happy things this week!

...getting to see what I think are pieces of our kid's personality already.
...coffee with my sister and youngest niece.
...being in the homestretch of my pregnancy!
...my iPhone.
...working on the baby's room.
...my OB making fun of my maternity pants.
...listening to cds I haven't listened to in YEARS.
...golden delicious apples.
...okay, actually apples in general.
...chips and salsa.
...back rubs from my hubby.
...making random Mary Kay sales.
...having gained only seven pounds through my pregnancy so far.
...ceiling fans.
...watching Teen Mom, my and actually now Ki's latest television addiction.
...cooking for my husband.
...Sweetart conversation hearts!
...carmex
...ultrasounds. :)
...crazy baby kicks.
...food in general.
...hot showers.
...long meandering walks through the grocery store where I may or may not purchase much but definitely enjoy walking around pushing the cart.
...

and when i'm left at home, i'm all alone, but i'd rather be alone with you

2010-01-25T09:52:00.000-06:00

I have to say that thinking about what I want to write about and then racking my brain for a song lyric to go with it as a title is immensely enjoyable. I kind of doubt anyone notices this little touch or knows all the songs I'm referencing but it makes me happy nonetheless. This particular one is "Alone" by Lisa Loeb, from all the way back in roughly 1995.

After the movie Reality Bites came out, "Stay" was all over the place even though Lisa Loeb hadn't officially released an album of her own yet. I didn't see the movie right away but I definitely had the soundtrack and when Nine Tails was released, I snatched it up and listened to it until I had every word memorized. The song "Alone" was always my favorite because I imagined I would meet a guy who would scour the sky for me so the stars would shine bright. I did, and I married him.

While we were finishing up the madness of getting out of the apartment, I stumbled across a small pile of cds that I hadn't realized were missing. I have a really bad habit of sticking cds in cases that they don't belong to. This drives my treasure custodian husband crazy and I am wary of taking his cds unless I know I will bring it right back inside when I come home. In any case, there was a mix cd I had made in 2005 because once upon a time people used to think I had good taste in music and someone requested a sampling of some of my favorite songs. Seeing the title didn't jog my memory as to what was included, but popping it in my truck's stereo was like greeting old friends.

I love how music speaks to my soul. When I hear a song, I'm transported back to the first time I heard it or the memory of who introduced me to that band or what was going on in my life when I was obsessively listening to that album. It makes my heart happy. There are a lot of things that make me smile even on the worst day but the three things that make my very heart happy are my husband, my baby, and a capital G good song. We'll go over the criteria for a capital G good song another day my friends.

This weekend, through various conversations, I realized that Ki and I are the strongest we've ever been and it's just such a nice solid feeling to love someone, be in love, and be loved back that I felt like it was worth mentioning. I don't think we're the traditional cutsey couple, but I also think what we have works very well. We do nice things for each other and treat each other with kindness and I just don't get tired of him.

If we have a girl, Ki will need to take her out on dates so the bar for how she expects to be treated is set high. If we have a boy, I need to do the same thing so he knows how women should be treated. And in either case, we need to make sure to continue to treat each other kindly and do nice things for each other and take our kid along so they grow up seeing how it's done. I like that although we are nervous about becoming parents and what the first few months especially are going to look like that we can plan to be intentional about so many things with our little one.

This is going to be great.

seven quick takes

2010-01-22T21:33:00.000-06:00

Seven Quick Takes Friday!

1. Being pregnant is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is physically and emotionally demanding and you don't get to just lay someplace and only be pregnant. You have the rest of life to take care of and also, the end of pregnancy is the beginning of motherhood. To say it's been a daunting experience seems to almost make light of it. With all of that said though, getting to see the extra clear ultrasound pictures of my baby's face yesterday wiped away months of exhaustion and frustration. So far I'd say, even with knowing all of the madness that comes with it, I'd definitely have another kid.

2. I really enjoy cooking. It doesn't make a big difference at this point if it's a tried and true recipe or if it's something brand new to me, I just like doing it. I made biscuits and gravy before my husband went to work today and it was immensely satisfying to me to do it all from scratch. I am thinking about making a big list of things I want to try to learn how to make and having at it.

3. Braxton Hicks contractions suck. And painless? No. It's like having a charlie horse in my belly. Even more awesome is that they tend to start late at night as I'm desperately wanting to go to sleep. The only good thing is that from the ultrasound I just had, Braxton Hicks contractions are not going to do anything besides be a pain to me.

4. It's back in the 70s in good ol' San Antonio. I was hoping winter would last a little longer. Days like today where I get hit hard by the amount of cedar in the air and it's warmer than I think it should be in January, I want to start making a list of places for us to move to. But then I remember that Ki's family is here, a nice chunk of mine is here, and we're having a baby. So San Antonio it is, for the foreseeable future. But if anyone has any suggestions on combating cedar fever, don't be shy!

5. Hot baths with Epsom salt cannot be spoken of highly enough. There's something magical that happens that makes it so your muscles relax a little more than they would with the hot water alone. There's no fun fizzing or nice smells but since that's probably not the whole point anyway, I guess it's okay.

6. Joel McHale was on Conan this week talking about his kid's strange sense of humor. He said his five year old said he could count really high so he asked him how high he could count to. The five year old said "I could count until you're dead." I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. Little kids saying things like that with no malicious intent is hysterical to me.

7. I need stuff to read! Please tell me about your favorite books and bloggers.

there's beauty in the breakdown

2010-01-21T17:45:00.000-06:00

This week I've been thinking about privacy and the Internet and pictures and my family. I don't know entirely how to handle it. I want to write and share things and don't mind if strangers read this here blog and I'd love to get comments on every entry I post. I think the problem is with the very small handful of people that I've crossed paths with one way or another that I would not like to be involved in any way whatsoever in my life having access to details about how things are going. It's selfish and kind of dumb, but I can't help it. I don't think it's entirely ridiculous for the person who called me the most abusive person they ever met and proclaimed they wanted nothing to do with me or my husband to NOT have access to our happiness in any way. I can let go of the conversation and the situation and chalk it up to ridiculousness that is beyond my control, but I don't want my baby exposed to it.

Does that sound retarded? It might. Sometimes I can't tell unless someone points it out for me.

My favorite blogger is Heather Armstrong of Dooce.com. I recently noticed that she never talks about her in-laws although she has mentioned that she lives near them. I read her blog regularly for a few years before I noticed that, so it's not conspicuous at all. I imagine it comes from a place of respect and not in an effort to not include them. When I think about writing in a long term kind of way, that's the approach I want to take. Crazy stories and funny pictures and good times shared without infringing on my entire life or the lives of those I hold dear in my life.

I'm still figuring out how to do that.

But with that said, I just can't contain my giddiness today about having got to watch my baby on a monitor with my husband by my side. Baby C was actually pretty calm for most of the ultrasound. Just at the beginning when the tech was trying to take measurements of the head, s/he was moving right along with the doppler (wand) which made the ultrasound tech laugh. I love this kid! But when she tried to get a really good clear picture of the face for us, Baby C refused to move arms and hands out of the way. This baby is completely adorable though. There are some very chubby cheeks already which I think is safe to say comes straight from Mama. I'm 90% sure the baby has Ki's nose. At one point, the tech was showing us the profile and Ki changed facial expressions and for a split second I was looking at the exact same profile in my husband and up on the monitor. The doctor said she saw my profile in the baby and I just don't know! Those cheeks may be my only claim to being in the room when Baby C was conceived.

I just want to look at the print outs from the ultrasound and show people and talk about the baby. I am supremely boring because of this. I can relate any conversation topic back to the baby or me being pregnant or almost being a mama or baby supplies. I can't help it. I'm one of the pod people. At least my husband doesn't mind. Too much at least.

I will figure all of this out about how much is too much to share and what kinds of pictures I'm willing to post for anyone and everyone to see. There's a lot of beauty in being able to let go and jump in but sometimes it's hard. I do believe I may be the fiercest Mama Bear you ever did see when it comes to my kids. And my husband too actually. Is that such a bad thing?

humpday happiness!

2010-01-20T17:23:00.000-06:00

Some random stuff making me happy these days...

...spending gobs of time with my husband doing nothing in particular.
...being out of the apartment.
...my nails are growing at super speed and strength.
...back rubs.
...my iPhone.
...ultrasound appointments!
...knowing a sort of back way to get from the house to the area of the city where Ki and I do a lot of stuff.
...reading blogs.
...looking at teeny tiny baby clothes.
...my youngest niece giving licks as kisses.
...bagels with cream cheese.
...Facebook!
...finding old mix cds and being transported in time (in my head).
...hot baths with Espom salt.
...texting, especially with my cousin and sister these days.
...my awesome sisters-in-law
...trying to cook something I never cooked before and getting good reviews.
...Conan O'Brien's monologues this week.
...using a DVR
...lazy afternoons spent curled up watching a movie.
...sparkling water. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
...compliments about my writings on this here blog.
...old pictures.
...feeling like the Melissa I once was.
...my wedding ring.
...my super wiggly baby providing late night entertainment as we watch my belly move.
...The Office.

mmmm, delicious

2010-01-19T19:41:00.000-06:00

Pot O Pinto Beans

1 pound of pinto beans, rinsed and sorted
1 yellow onion
1 cube of pork fat
1 jalapeno
1 clove of garlic peeled and cut into small pieces

First, soak the beans overnight. Just put them in a pot and cover with water and let them sit for at least 12 hours. Then rinse them off a couple of times. This will help them to not cause as much gas when you eat them. You can do a quick soak (directions will be on the back of the bag) if you don't have time. But beans just take a long time to make and the soaking overnight is worth it.

Put the beans in a large pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil and let boil for about five minutes. Turn down the heat to just under medium so it's not a rapid boil anymore but they are simmering.

Since you add all the other stuff about 30 minutes after they start simmering, this is the perfect time to start chopping. Peel and cut a yellow onion into whatever size pieces you want. I like them slightly bigger than if you were to just chop an onion. Peel and cut a garlic clove. The more fat you include in the beans, the greasier they will get. I trim a bit off to still have some fat and flavor but not much grease. Cut the pork fat into several pieces. Rinse the jalapeno off. Add everything to the simmering pot of beans and tilt a lid so it's halfway covering the pot.

Check the pot every 30 minutes or so to make sure there is liquid covering everything. If not, add some so you can avoid burning the beans.

Let it simmer for at least three hours. More really won't hurt though.

Turn off the heat, dish up, and enjoy!

This is a great side dish and also makes a good meal on its own with some corn bread or tortillas.

seven quick takes

2010-01-15T21:55:00.000-06:00

1. The earthquake in Haiti is some crazy shit. It really is, even though I try not to cuss too much on here. But a 7.0 earthquake is ginourmous and ESPECIALLY in a place not accustomed to earthquakes. It has been amazing to see the outpouring of money and desire to help from Americans, and especially those in my age group. It makes me feel a little better about humanity.

2. Have you ever heard of "hot dog sauce?" Yesterday I stopped by my husband's store and asked if he wanted anything at the grocery store because I was planning on picking up a very few items. He said he would love it if we could have hot dogs for dinner and if I could get him hot dog sauce, that would be even more amazing. I have never heard of such a thing... But sure enough, it was right next to the canned chili and there were three brands to choose from. As best as I can figure, it's like less chunky chili. You probably wouldn't want to eat a bowl of it, but it's perfect for topping a hot dog with. If you like that kind of thing that is. On a side note, I was crazy hungry so I had also made macaroni and cheese. Ki thanked me for making dinner and I just laughed and said it was like the best baby-sitter dinner ever. Next week I'll make something more elaborate or at least more grown up for us to eat.

3. My baby shower is coming up! I'm super excited and I think the invitations are adorable. I'm really looking forward to hearing from people who get them in the mail because I think they are fantastic. I'm keeping one for myself for posterity's sake. I'm registered at Babies R Us and Target, but I don't want people to think I want that specific stuff. The nursery is loosely Winnie the Pooh (not classic, the other one) and we don't have anything except two big bags of random clothes. Better deals can probably be found than getting stuff at Babies R Us especially so if you feel like getting us a gift, don't feel tied to that registry. Also, if you want to come and didn't get an actual invitation, just let me know! The more the merrier!

4. Isn't the whole late night talk show host thing on NBC CRAZY?! I really do like Conan better and have for years and I don't think this whole thing has been very fair to him. I wonder what the end result is going to be and what kind of backlash (if any) NBC will face. I know that I for one won't watch The Tonight Show if Leno gets to swoop back in. I hope this isn't the end of Conan because I really do enjoy him quite a bit. Here's hoping!

5. I know I have a great husband because today we spent the entire day together doing a bunch of really boring stuff and I had a genuinely good time. I'm a lucky girl to get to hang out with my hubby and enjoy it regardless of what activity we're actually doing. He does a great job of taking care of me even as we're part of a team trying to accomplish things. I just love him.

6. I've spent part of the week catching up on journaling about events that have taken place in basically the last month. Sometimes a bunch of stuff will happen and I'll feel so overwhelmed that I can't even write about it which ends up being a double whammy because writing helps me work things out in my head so much. I'm almost done with the catching things up part and I already feel lighter. I think I'll be up to the present by the end of the weekend and then I'm going to make it a point to write every day for a couple of weeks. Blogging almost every day and then journaling for myself is helping me get into a much better mindset. It's been a good 15 years of journaling and I still have to remind myself to do it when things get rough because that is when it is absolutely the most helpful.

7. I think I could drink a decaf venti non-fat no whip cinnamon dolce latte every day. I don't know what it is but it hits the spot EVERY TIME. Sweet but not too much so, good milky calcium, warm, and doesn't keep me up at night. I heart Starbucks. Too bad I don't have money to actively heart Starbucks.

humpday happiness

2010-01-13T15:46:00.000-06:00

Various things making me happy this week, in no particular order...

...a relatively cheap visit to Samurai last night for Ki's work Christmas party!
...our baby LOVING Japanese food.
...Carmex.
...the way Conan has been handling the whole late night talk show debacle.
...my robe.
...warming up my husband's cold feet on my legs.
...more good baby check appointments.
...sourdough bread toast with butter and a little jelly.
...Target.
...still having Target gift cards to use even if it's not for big appliances anymore.
...making our bedroom feel more like OUR BEDROOM.
...back rubs from my husband.
...ultrasound appointment next week!
...considering baby names which I don't think will really stop until the baby actually makes an appearance so we probably won't divulge the full list any time soon.
...Facebook comments.
...I'm still wearing my wedding ring because my hands haven't swollen TOO much yet.
...sparkling water.
...baby kicks, regardless of how intense.
...central heat.
...weather still being wintery even if it has warmed up a bit.
...super strength fingernails that grow lightening fast.
...my husband in general--he's such a delight to me.
...hot showers.
...almost not being sick anymore.
...hearing Baby C's strong heart beat.
...oranges.
...not running out of gas even when it seemed an impossible task to be able to keep driving to find a gas station.
...setting up the baby's room.
...Benadryl and Tylenol.

reposting for posterity's sake

2010-01-12T22:53:00.000-06:00

Excerpted from NYT
because I am impressed with how Conan O'Brien is handling all of this. He's always been my favorite late night host and I've enjoyed seeing his success grow.

====
Mr. O’Brien’s comments came two days after NBC formally outlined a plan to move “The Jay Leno Show” to 11:35 p.m. in March, elbowing Mr. O’Brien’s “Tonight Show” back half an hour. Mr. Leno seems supportive of the plan. In his statement, Mr. O’Brien rejects it outright. The statement reads:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over “The Tonight Show” in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004, I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my “Tonight Show” in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the “Tonight Show” to 12:05 to accommodate the “Jay Leno Show” at 11:35. For 60 years, the “Tonight Show” has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the “Tonight Show” into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The “Tonight Show” at 12:05 simply isn’t the “Tonight Show.” Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the “Late Night” show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard, and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of “The Tonight Show.” But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet, a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the “Tonight Show,” I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

After 16 years of making a name with his distinctive brand of intellectually silly comedy on the “Late Night” show on NBC, Mr. O’Brien replaced Mr. Leno as the host of “The Tonight Show” a mere seven months ago. He is just the fifth man to lead “Tonight,” after Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson and Mr. Leno.

just eat it

2010-01-12T22:49:00.000-06:00

Something that Ki and I absolutely love to do is go out to eat at I guess what you would call ethnic food restaurants. I can never get enough Japanese food but we also really enjoy Indian, Greek, Chinese, Mexican (does that count as ethnic in San Antonio?), and Thai. We're also pretty willing to try new things. There are foods we don't like as much as others, but there are an awful lot of "weird" things that we really enjoy.

One of the things we are most looking forward to as parents is introducing our children to a wide variety of foods. Neither of us has the most healthy background and we are working on changing our outlook on food so we can teach our kids without having to be blatant about it. Our goal is to eat delicious food that is also good for you. Another aspect of our desire is for our kids to grow up eating all kinds of cuisines without thinking it's weird or exotic. It's just food.

My parents made me and my sister try all kinds of crazy weird to us foods as kids and I have to say that I'm a better person for it. Part of it was out of absolute necessity because we lived in foreign countries and it wasn't always easy to predict what was going to be on the menu or even what the dish would actually turn out to be once ordered. Part of it was because my parents wanted us to experience new things. We weren't allowed to say things we weird, only different. And we had to try a little bit of everything so we could know if we liked it. If we didn't like it, it wasn't a big deal but it had to take an honest effort first.

Tonight was Ki's work Christmas party. The end of October through the first part of January is the busiest time of year for his store so Christmas parties are usually a little late but that's kind of awesome. It takes a little stress off the season! Tonight we got to eat at a really fantastic restaurant and most of it was covered by the store.

I've noticed that there are certain foods the baby likes and dislikes. It's a mother's intuition not a scientific process and it'll be a few years before I can really substantiate any of this but I'm standing by my thinking that I know when the baby likes something or doesn't like it. Like when I lay on my left side like you're "supposed" to, the baby kicks all crazy hard until I move. The baby does not like shrimp (which is a shame because I definitely do) and is only kind of tolerant of beef. The baby loves cranberry juice, oranges, raw squash, baby carrots, and chicken flautas. And tonight, we can put calamari at the tippy top of the list.

I was eating and enjoying my spicy calamari salad and noticed the baby was wiggling quite a bit. I just happened to switch to eating some white rice and talking and laughing for a few minutes and then back to my salad. The baby went crazy. I waited a few minutes before my next bite and the same thing! I told Ki and he didn't believe me, which I don't blame him for, so I put his hand on my belly where all the movement was happening and took another bite. Sure enough, Baby C went crazy!

As I get closer and closer to my due date, I get a little more nervous about certain things like whether we're going to have the right gear right away or if I'm going to collapse under sleep deprivation. But I get a little more excited about this baby being a toddler and then older and watching Ki with him or her. And tonight I am especially excited about how much fun we're going to have trying all kinds of foods for the first time again through our child.

I cannot tell you how much I love my little family already even though I have yet to really get to meet one third of us.

i have unanswered prayers

2010-01-10T14:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of time at the apartment trying to get things boxed up so we can just be done already. We moved in with my parents three weeks ago I think and everything at the apartment should have been done already, but it's not. There's a tiny bit more to come to the house and then about one load of stuff to go to storage. I'm sick of it all and frustrated that it takes me so long to get anything real accomplished because I'm seven months pregnant and it is taking a toll on my body.

So at one point when I need (ANOTHER) break, I picked up an old journal and started skimming through it. I have a love hate relationship with journaling. I absolutely love it sometimes. I think it's inherently valuable for me to sit with blank paper and a pen and write and get thoughts out of my head on to paper. It helps me be able to concentrate on the actual tasks at hand much better because I either see how plausible it is to take care of or I get all the stupid worries circling my brain out on paper in front of me. I like having a record of things that have happened and I like to read them later and see how I handled the twists and turns of that time or what I was struggling with that is now easy peasy and everything in between. But I absolutely hate the thought of someone else reading them.

Most of my journals are the type that I would be embarrassed if someone I knew were to stumble across them and read from cover to cover. I have been relatively boy crazy since I was a teenager and a lot of my journals are heavy on analysis of what was really meant when a particular boy said something or did something. Embarrassing. My parents and I didn't get along super well while I was in high school especially (as is the case for a lot of people, I imagine) so several of those little notebooks I filled up included some not nice descriptions of what I thought of them. Embarrassing. And actually no longer existent.

There is one entire journal in particular though that I don't ever want anyone to read. That's the one I happened to pick up yesterday afternoon and read essentially from cover to cover. It is uncensored and honest about a bunch of situations that all happened to occur within roughly the same year and I was able to push out of my mind because I wrote all about it in a safe place. I set it aside yesterday and went back to packing and just thought about whether or not I should even keep it anymore. There are far too many good and memorable things recorded on those pages to destroy it just because I don't want anyone else to ever read it.

It's that kind of writing that inspires me to keep doing it. While I don't hope to face those kinds of circumstances ever again, I am proud of myself for making it through and being okay and for having a record of it. I don't necessarily want to have another journal that I am intensely afraid of anyone ever reading, but I do want another journal that is filled from cover to cover with absolute honesty.

This pregnancy has not been like other pregnancies I've heard about. In the beginning it was the diagnosis of high risk that threw me especially since it was coupled with so many doctor appointments and check off points. When I was first just dealing with the start of an unexpected (but very happily accepted) pregnancy that was also high risk, I searched for a book to read by someone who had been through the same thing. I have my fill of medical jargon and understand what is going on but I was hoping there was a narrative style book out there that I could read and not feel so alone. I still haven't found exactly what I was looking for. I decided to write out my story after I have the baby and see if it can help someone.

I think about writing a book that is as honest as my journals have been about everything I've faced during this pregnancy as a way to reach out and touch someone else who has done something similar or to encourage someone that they can face difficulties in their pregnancy because I did and I didn't know what the hell I was doing. It gets scary fast though because as comfortable as I am writing to an anonymous audience, the thought of my mom or grandmother or one of my aunts that I don't talk to much reading all of that about me makes my stomach ache.

There's so much we keep from each other. It's not just me and not just because I'm pregnant right now. I think we all have a small collection of people we are completely honest with at all times and then there's everyone else who we dish out carefully selected snippets of information to. I'm not condemning that because I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for me to answer the question "How is your day going?" with "It'd be so much better if I could just have a really good poo session." even if that is the absolute truth. At the same time though, my sister has three kids, several of my friends have kids, and no one EVER mentioned to me that constipation could be such a huge part of pregnancy. Maybe I could have used that information at the beginning and maybe it doesn't make that much of a difference.

The title comes from the first line of the song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller and it's practically my anthem right now. A lot of people have identified with it as being an encouragement because someone close to them died. I first heard it as I was nervously driving to my first WIC appointment to see if I would be able to enroll and I just sobbed. The song made me feel as though there was someone else out there who had faced a rough situation and didn't have any answers or practical advice but could say she wasn't actually alone while she was facing things and that was the biggest thing I needed.

The idea of being able to write out my experiences as a high risk mama to be with high blood pressure, probable depression, a new husband, and no money gives me the courage to plod along with more confidence. Maybe I can write it all down, edit it, and offer it to someone else who needs to know she isn't alone.

I still don't want anyone to ever read that particular journal.

seven quick takes instead of friday fives

2010-01-08T16:33:00.000-06:00

I've been reading some new blogs and several ladies do seven quick takes on Fridays. I like it so I'm totally stealing the idea. I'd give credit but I have no idea who started it... But I think it's a nice way to end the week.

1. I was going to write a blog and use the title "Oh, the weather outside is frightful" because I suppose it kind of is. It's 28 degrees and roughly the time of day that is the hottest here in San Antonio. I love it! I wish this was normal for this time of year but I'll settle for a couple of weeks of it. Yesterday though, I had this conversation with my husband as we hurried into the doctor's office:

"It is effing cold!"
"I know! It makes me have to pee but that's okay since I have to pee in a cup as soon as I get inside."
"It just makes me want to walk faster."
"So I guess we won't be moving to Colorado someday?"
"You can. I'll visit you. In the summer."

2. My youngest niece is almost seven months old. She is currently going through separation anxiety and really prefers to be in my sister's arms but will reluctantly settle for having her in her line of vision. So as much as I want to scoop her up and cover her with kisses, I have to hold back so she doesn't get to upset. Yesterday, despite all of this, I made her laugh harder than my mom has ever seen her laugh. My sister and I helped her "tickle" me and for whatever reason, Baby Niece thought it was HYSTERICAL. The harder she laughed, the harder I would, and then she'd laugh even harder. It was awesome. I love being an aunt.

3. Last night I quasi-kicked Ki out of bed. I was horribly uncomfortable and sleepy and frustrated that the sleepiness wasn't turning into actual sleep and he mentioned wanting to get up and watch tv for a few more hours and I heavily encouraged it. I fell asleep pretty quickly after he went into another room. After awhile I woke up and reached for him and he wasn't there and it made me sad. I'm not really getting enough sleep in one shot anymore but I need a better solution than not being in bed with my husband. I guess my niece isn't the only one with separation anxiety.

4. Ki plays poker once a week. He also watches it on tv and has read a few books about techniques and tips and whatnot. My parents have also been into Texas Hold 'Em for awhile and I just always played with the munchkins instead of joining in at the table. But lately I've gotten interested in it and I've also gotten a lot better. What if I could be amazing? I suggested to Ki that we play head to head so he could practice and he really liked that idea. So we'll see it goes, and maybe at the next fish fry or crawfish boil I can play with the boys again.

5. My oldest niece is six today. She will forever be the person who turned me into the adult who says "You know, I remember when you were this small and the first time I held you and it feels like it was just a couple of days ago." I was thinking about this today and that it might be kind of fun to assign titles to more people like that. My baby will forever be the person who turned me into the adult who wears her heart outside her body. My husband will forever be the person who turned me into the adult who really truly loves someone more than myself.

6. My little baby is feeling pretty huge these days. No kicks in the ribs (yet?) but I'm feeling some definite movement on a pretty long diagonal across my abdomen on both ends at the same time. I am feeling a lot better about pregnancy, becoming a mom, and how the baby is doing these days and I'm really grateful for that. But I still want the baby to stay inside for a little bit longer. I'm hoping for a nice chunky little newborn who is healthy and ready to have cheeks and feet nibbled on.

7. I really would like to start reading like crazy again. I need suggestions. I'm open to anything! Email me or comment with some titles or just an author you like. I used to say I wasn't big into science fiction, but if it was well written I'd be game! So no limits, suggest away. :)

humpday happiness

2010-01-06T22:44:00.000-06:00

Happy happy things!

...late night West Wing marathons that my husband is interested in too!
...filling up the DVR. We will never be able to go back to a VCR
...cinnamon dolce lattes. Mmmm...
...wearing eye liner after a long hiatus.
...getting almost everything unpacked and put away.
...my husband's wild curly hair. He needs a haircut but I kinda like it long-ish when he doesn't put it in a pony tail.
...egg salad.
...baby kicks.
...cold cold cold weather.
...dress socks.
...carmex.
...text messages.
...thinking of possible baby names.
...benadryl
...cooking dinner for my parents--they get really excited about it.
...Mary Kay appointments.
...my hair is getting longer!

25

2010-01-04T21:18:00.000-06:00

What song lyric do you use for a list of 25 things about yourself? Anyway, here you go:

1. The purchase I have made so far that makes me feel most like a mother-to-be is a robe.
2. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin than I have while pregnant.
3. My truck is always a mess inside. Always.
4. Ki and I have matching wedding bands and it makes me smile, four months later.
5. Plumb is my all time favorite artist.
6. I do not have all of Plumb's cds.
7. Target is my favorite store to shop at because I can wander around and amuse myself for quite some time and also actually afford to buy something.
8. Anthropologie is still my favorite store to wander around without being able to afford a damn thing inside.
9. My husband cusses more than anyone I know.
10. You may or may not know that about him because he is fairly good at censoring himself.
11. I am so excited to see whether or not I'm right that my youngest niece is going to be an absolute firecracker when she grows up even though I also think she'll be a very small woman.
12. I love to make phone calls to chat with good friends while driving.
13. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
14. I have no idea what "when I grow up" looks like.
15. Being pregnant has shown me it is possible to have abs that are sore inside and out.
16. The baby's room theme is Winnie the Pooh. Not classic, the other one.
17. Apparently I recently started snoring.
18. It makes me really happy that Ki is so comfortable hanging out with my parents.
19. Personal investment bias aside, Mary Kay face wash and lotion is hands down the best thing I've found to keep my complexion unridiculous.
20. My favorite thing about wearing contacts is getting to wear sunglasses.
21. I like it kind of cold at night because I thoroughly enjoy snuggling into bed.
22. I wish I could go to more concerts.
23. The Baby-Sitter's Club is getting revamped and re-released and I have mixed feelings about that.
24. I have high hopes that the sudden influx of Muppets commercials means they are coming back in a big way. A new movie, a new Muppets Show, or even a new Fraggle Rock would be AWESOME.
25. I read blogs every day and am always interested in finding new really good ones.

i can't get you out of my head

2010-01-04T20:51:00.000-06:00

I got an email this weekend that I'm sad to say is still affecting me today. I will not get into specifics or even who it was from and I honest to goodness wouldn't even be able to tell you why it was sent to me anyway. But I will say that it made me sad and very angry at the same time. It's made me think about a lot of things and I'm hoping that tomorrow will be the day that I can just move on and not give it another thought.

I think the biggest change in myself over the past decade is that I've let go of my burning NEED to explain myself to everyone. I've realized that there are definitely times when I have to simply walk away and let the other person think whatever they are going to think because I will not be able to convince them otherwise. It tears at me sometimes, but it really is better sometimes to answer with silence. There have been two people in the last four years specifically that I've had to just walk away from and let them burn themselves out. I don't know why it took me so many years to realize that sometimes all I was doing was adding more fuel to the fire by trying to explain myself.

This email made me think about my point of view as a daughter to my parents and what it's going to be like to be someone's mom. I've been a little startled already to realize how fiercely protective I already am of my child and I haven't gotten to hold him or her or hear the words "I love you" or anything like that. It seems as though motherhood probably toughens you up in some ways and makes you softer than ever in others. I can see how some things will change inside me that first moment I hold my baby and I am looking forward to finding out the other changes that will happen. But one thing I know right now, today, is that I may be the fiercest mama bear you ever see.

Ki and I talk often about what kind of person we hope to raise our child to be. I want a healthy, happy, productive member of society who never forgets that other people should always treated with respect simply because they are also human. I hope we have a child who feels like they can always come to us, even if it's not a pleasant situation, because they know they will find love and support. I hope that Baby C grows up to be an adult who makes decisions based on actual informed opinion and is always willing to hear someone out even if their politics are different or anything in that realm. I'm hoping for a heart that is tough enough to withstand going through life without too many bruises and scars but soft enough to let people and places inside in a meaningful way.

I am sometimes taken aback by how much I love this kid already. When I think of some of the people I know and the way they handle relationships with people, it makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have the amazing husband I have and that we've already made decisions for our child out of love. I can't help but think that no matter how many mistakes we make about schedule making and setting rules that our love will be the biggest thing that comes through. I hope so. I would be absolutely heartbroken to know my child could treat anyone the way I was treated recently.

you're the color of the colored part of the wizard of oz movie

2010-01-02T23:16:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was talking to my good friend T and she mentioned how important it is to keep romance alive in your marriage. A little bit after that my battery died and because I was nowhere near a charger but still had stuff to do before going home, I thought about that in my self-imposed silence. I think that my definition of romance has pretty much stayed the same, but the ways in which I will accept it being expressed has changed drastically over the years.

When I was a teenager, I longed for a boyfriend at Valentine's Day because I wanted to candy and stuffed animals. Now I think it's romantic when my husband makes the bed in the morning. It's a much broader spectrum of things and actions that I consider to be romantic. The crux of the issue for me is thoughtfulness. Sometimes you can express someone is on your mind by buying them something and sometimes you can meet a practical need to express that same feeling. It depends on the situation and the person, but both work for me.

I completely adore my husband. It's not so much that I think he's perfect as it is that I just love him with my whole being and appreciate that we are better together than we are on our own. We make a great team and I'm glad I get to go through life with him. Lately especially I have found a great sense of comfort in just being in the same spot with him. It's not that I absolutely can't handle life without having my husband at my side, it's that it's so much easier when he's physically present. My core relaxes.

It's strange in some ways because I was raised to be a strong capable woman who stands on her own two feet at all times. I was given all the tools to make this possible and it wasn't presented as a ridiculous expectation but rather an easier way to go through life. I've fought many battles mostly on my own and never really had a problem living alone. But now that I'm married? I'm so grateful to have someone to curl up with at the end of the day. Especially someone who knows when I need a back rub without me having to ask and either sees how he can take some of the burden of my day as his own or asks how to.

Just a few weeks after we got married, he went with me to a doctor's appointment. I had some problems with the office at the last appointment and the office manager asked to speak with us before my actual appointment. During the conversation, a lot of things were solved or made better and it's been a good experience in that office since then. I will always remember that little conversation though because Ki said "Look, you can't treat my wife this way." That's when I started to realize what I think is the very best part about being married: partnership. I'm on a team now and sometimes I take care of him and sometimes he takes care of me and we're always taking care of each other. I'm a very lucky woman.

five things i'd like to have happen this upcoming year

2010-01-01T21:53:00.000-06:00

I imported my old blog to this here site and I think I'm going to continue some of the stuff I started a few years ago. Friday Five is a list of five things that may or may not have explanation attached to them. Without further ado, today's Friday Five!

1. A healthy baby born sometime in March. I have a feeling I will be induced because of high blood pressure or the baby's size or maybe both. I would just feel a little better if we made it at least to the month of the original due date! And boy or girl, I just want a healthy little one.

2. Ki and I getting to go away together for at least 2-3 days. No particular destination in mind, and the baby can come, but we need a little change of scenery vacation.

3. I would like to be wearing Ki's clothes by December. I desperately need to lose weight and get in shape and I think this pregnancy being diagnosed as high risk from the get go is finally the kick in the ass I needed to be balls to the wall about my efforts. I'm going to do Weight Watchers and post regularly about my efforts and results starting in May.

4. Ki needs a job that brings in more money and allows him to pursue his dreams. Neither of us has any idea what this looks like but I still think it's worth pursuing and can happen sooner rather than later.

5. I will have a rough draft of a book about being a high risk mama, depression during pregnancy, and random stuff no one talks about in regards to pregnancy. I have no idea how to shop it around or anything like that, but writing it will be beneficial to me and therefore worth at least trying and seeing what happens.

break out the party hats, i'm trying menudo for the first time tonight!

2009-12-31T21:24:00.000-06:00

2009 will be the year I got married and 2010 will be the year I became a mom and I couldn't be happier about either one. On our wedding day, Ki and I were ridiculously excited to be getting married and fairly apprehensive about how everyone was going to behave. My sister-in-law told us several times to wrap ourselves up in the love we had for each other, look into each other's eyes, and not let anyone steal our focus from starting the next phase of our lives together from us. That's my biggest new year's resolution, to live out the entire next year wrapped in the love Ki and I have for each other and our baby and to savor the good moments as we work through the tough ones.

Happy New Year's Eve! Do something nice for yourself today and tomorrow. You deserve it.

end of the year survey doohickey

2009-12-31T15:16:00.000-06:00

what did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
-- Started the process of having a baby. Got married.

did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-- I didn't really make any. I have a few in mind for this upcoming year and will write about that later.

anyone close to you give birth?
-- My sister brought Little Miss Tori-licious into the world! My friend H had her beautiful daughter. I think that's it...

did anyone close to you die?
-- Nope.

what countries did you visit?
-- None.

what would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
-- A sense of sanity.

what date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-- July 24th: I found out I was pregnant and Ki and I decided to get married. July 31st: We told our families we were getting married. Aug 24th: I met my OB and quite possibly favorite doctor ever. Sept 4th: First ultrasound. Sept 11th: All hell broke loose with family drama about my bridal shower and wedding. Sept 18th: Ki and I got married! Oct 22nd: Full anatomy ultrasound where I saw my baby's heart chambers, brain, and major organs all wiggling around.

what was your biggest achievement of the year?
-- Getting married because I was ridiculously in love and desperately wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband.

what was your biggest failure?
-- Losing my job and my husband and I having to move in with my parents.

did you suffer illness or injury?
-- Not really.

what was the best thing you bought?
-- Wedding rings.

whose behavior merited celebration?
-- Me and Ki. We're having a baby and we got married!

whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-- Mine. More depressed than appalled though.

where did most of your money go?
-- Rent, bills, the usual boring things that suck it all up.

what did you get really, really, really excited about?
-- Ultrasound appointments.

what song will always remind you of 2009?
-- 40 Dogs by Bob Schnieder

compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? -- happier
ii. thinner or fatter? -- about the same i guess
iii. richer or poorer? -- poorer

what do you wish you'd done more of?
-- Taken time to just sit and breathe.

what do you wish you'd done less of?
--Procrastination

how will you be spending Christmas?
-- Christmas Eve, Kiris and I went to my parent's house and spent the evening with them and my sister and her family. Christmas Day we went to K's mom's house. Both times were definitely good times.

did you fall in love in 2009?
-- More in love with Ki and fell in love with our little baby.

how many one-night stands?
-- None. Not my style, plus I'm very happily attached.

what was your favorite TV program?
-- The Office. Top Chef. Criminal Minds.

do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-- Nope

what was the best book you read?
-- Nothing really stands out.

what was your greatest musical discovery?
-- none

what did you want and get?
-- True love.

what was your favorite film of this year?
-- Didn't see many movies really.

what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-- I turned 29. We had Coldstone. It was very low key, what with the recent news of me being pregnant and the wedding coming up.

what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
--More confidence in my decisions.

how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
-- Ugh. None.

what kept you sane?
-- Getting to come home to a loving husband.

which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-- I barely paid attention this year.

what political issue stirred you the most?
-- Health care reform

who did you miss?
-- I don't know. I kind of missed myself. Towards the end of the year especially, I've kind of felt like a shell of myself.

who was the best new person you met?
-- Baby C

tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
-- Love can carry you through an awful lot.

quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
-- You take the high and I'll take the low,
We'll get there before you know.
We ain't got no time to waste,
We got too much life to taste.

We're like Romeo and Juliet,
And 40 dogs, cigarettes,
We're like good times that haven’t happened yet but will.
And I can tell you where we're gonna be
When the whole world falls to the sea:
We’ll be livin’ ever after, happily.

humpday happiness

2009-12-30T08:14:00.000-06:00

A list of happy things...

...cooking a whole meal with Ki for my parents.
...plain sparkling water.
...Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
...The West Wing.
...more unpacked than packed boxes in my room.
...late night movie time.
...a working and used fireplace.
...holding my youngest niece.
...how excited my parents were about their Christmas presents from us.
...Ki's hair.
...having a really good AND funny OB.
...today is the last day of my second trimester.
...chicken taquitos.
...text messages.
...Facebook comments.
...my nails growing at super speed and still being strong.
...sleep.
...back rubs.
...my bed side lamp.
...central heat.
...not plucking my eye brows every day.
...the smell of a freshly cleaned bathroom.
...the smell of fresh laundry.
...my super wiggly baby letting me know when s/he likes things I've eaten.

the thought of you there is my protection

2009-12-28T21:52:00.000-06:00

Well, a week in, I have to say that living with my parents is a pretty good deal. I mean, I knew it would be on paper I just wasn't sure if there would be a period of awkwardness or anything like that. I think all four of us are doing alright though. There are two unexpected perks that I am really enjoying. One is my parents have a water softener and two is my husband has been going to bed at the same time I do.

I have wretchedly dry skin. I have literally my entire life and it's manageable but I definitely have to use Dove soap and put lotion on all over every day. Every so often little eczema patches will flair up but it's usually directly related to weather changes or intense periods of stress in my life. None of it is a really big deal. But since I've been pregnant, my belly, back, and thighs have been itching like crazy. There is actually a syndrome that can cause excessive itchiness in pregnant ladies and I was tested for it (which is my endorsement for nothing is too small to bring up or ask about!) and don't have it. My doctor gave me a personal recommendation for a particular body wash and I tried a few lotions and basically got it taken care of.

I realize none of this is a very big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it was a pregnancy related issue I could actually do something about... Anyway...

My parents have a water softener. It is glorious. I can drink right out of the tap which means Ki's days of lugging home containers of water are at least on hold. And my skin is very very very happy. I don't even have to use the body wash to keep the moisture in! Also, it takes longer to rinse off soap in general with a water softener which means showers are extra luxurious because they have to be a little longer. My mom said I'll get used to it. I probably will, but in the meantime, it's a nice little piece of happy in my routine.

My husband is a hardcore night owl. He can exist on a normal person routine but really prefers to stay up all hours and sleep well into the afternoon. He currently has a job that affords him that opportunity so he takes advantage of it. I just can't stay up with him all the time. Most of the time I would go to bed (at a very late hour for most people's schedules) and Ki would come to bed a few hours later. It didn't bother me at all and was no point of contention. But I really like my husband. So these days when he goes to bed with me and we lay in bed and catch up about our days and whatever we've been thinking about it just makes me really happy. I like curling up with my husband or even having just our feet touching. Plus back rubs are really amazing in my life right now and since he's just right there, I can get him to rub my back a little bit every night.

There are still lot of pieces to shuffle around to get everything we need to fit just right, but I kind of wanted this to just be a happy little entry. So maybe more later...

turn on the light and reveal all the glory

2009-12-27T20:35:00.000-06:00

I don't remember if I've talked about this before, so forgive me if this is a giant repeat. When I found out I was pregnant, I dreaded the point of my pregnancy where people would want to touch my belly all the time because I don't really like it when people touch me anyway. If I know you, it's okay and I know it's weird, but I just have to ease in to a lot of things like that. People think I'm strange and I can't help it. Anyway I had absolutely NO IDEA that way before anyone could see I was pregnant that they would give me all kinds of "tips" and tell me "helpful stories." No two pregnancies are alike, even in the same woman. And if you had once kid thirty years ago, your advice may not be the most medically responsible.

Lately though, people have been telling me to enjoy sleeping now because it's going to be miserable once the baby comes along.

First of all, let me tell you that sleeping has been difficult lately. My back is constantly aching, my legs often cramp up just as I finally find a position that make my back feel better, and I can't seem to sleep in stretches of more than four hours at a time. My amazing husband snores most nights so although it is possible for me to get back to sleep, it takes awhile some nights. The baby's most active time seems to be about 2 am to 5 am and sometimes all the wiggling, jabs, and kicks literally wake me up.

Second of all, there is no sleep bank I can store "extra" hours in to draw from later.

Thirdly, I will in no way appreciate how easy I have it now until after a few weeks breastfeeding a newborn. I can think I understand, I can think I'll be prepared, I can think I know what a luxury it is to roll over and go back to sleep now, but I won't REALLY know until March and April.

Strangely, I don't even mind people's hands on my belly. People that I know at least. I love feeling my baby move around and I guess just assume everyone else should feel how fantastic my kid already is. But Baby C knows the difference between my hand and anyone else's, even Ki's, and will kind of pause in the moving around to readjust.

That's my sleepy whining for the day, folks. Tune in later for something more entertaining. :)

humpday happiness

2009-12-23T23:28:00.000-06:00

A not all-inclusive list of things making me happy...

...watching my belly move as my baby practices limbering up.
...my adorable husband going to bed with me every night this past week.
...back rubs.
...my youngest niece's way of lunging for me when I hold my arms out.
...baking cookies with the munchkins.
...getting settled into some pretty nice new digs.
...Christmas music--the hymns, not the other crap.
...mineral water.
...Pantene shampoo and conditioner. Yes, sometimes I am that shallow.
...getting my computer back up and online.
...doing a bunch of domestic type things lately. Maybe nesting, maybe just giving in.
...emailing with old friends.
...Christmas cards.
...having a dvr to use.
...cranberry juice.
...the clickity-clack of the keyboard when I'm doing a lot of typing.
...text messages.
...watching Army Wives on dvd.
...the hysterical news that my baby will be a larger than average newborn.
...talking about names with Ki.
...thinking about what Christmas will be like next year with a child.

sleep and labeled boxes

2009-12-18T06:51:00.000-06:00

My new sleep schedule is kind of messed up.

I go to bed and fall asleep for a few hours. Then I wake up and have to walk around or generally be out of bed for a little bit and after an unspecified amount of time I can often fall back asleep. Sometimes my husband is still up so I'll sit in the living room and talk to him for a bit. But if he's not up, I'll go in the living room and watch tv and lay on the couch until I fall asleep again. I don't want to keep him up with restless tossing and turning.

My perinatologist asked me if I was getting enough sleep and I said I guessed so and told her about this new schedule. She said that was fine and just to nap when I could and the hours would add up to enough sleep. I do miss the days of just sleeping through the whole night but I guess those are just gone for quite awhile. It's not completely awful... And we're going to a place that has two DVRs just for us to use and I'm excited about filling them up.

I just got up and used the bathroom and realized I couldn't go back to bed and not wake up Ki, so I'm in the living room. The West Wing is on tv in ten minutes. I moved a few boxes so I can lay down on the futon in a few minutes and just saw one that is labeled "Good books to read, for real. To the house." Instead of going back into the bedroom and kissing my adorable husband, I decided to type it here.

I love him so much!